The 25 Most Annoying SuperBowl Party Guests...

[irish]

This may or may not have already been posted here. However, for those who haven't seen it, enjoy...

 

25 most annoying SB party guests

 

1. The aforementioned fan who does not understand why teams don’t score more touchdowns.

This clown can be either male or female, and will begin speaking at any point when the score is not approaching 81-79. Which means always. Worse, there is always someone who seconds this opinion with a brilliant and nonsensical endorsement. "Yeah, why don’t they score more?" One appropriate response would be, "Because the football team is missing out on your offensive genius."

 

2. Girl with an exposed thong.

Inevitably she will sit right in front of you and you’ll think you’re clubbing in South Beach. The thong will be something ridiculous, like leopard print or have a saying like, "I'm a kitten ... make me purr," which will be true but distracting. Of course this girl will lean forward on a pillow or something and you’ll miss several important third down plays because you are trying to keep your wife or girlfriend from noticing your obsession with the exposed thong.

 

3. Guy with a hat turned sideways.

Please, oh God, please could you not just turn your hat either forwards or backwards? Is that too much to ask? If you feel like it, ask this guy if he’s dancing in the half-time show or meeting Kevin Federline’s posse post-game.

 

4. Wife who brought the sugar-free sugar cookies.

And now you have to pretend to be impressed by some sugar substitute that you’ve never heard of. Oh great, now the sugar cookies taste like bread dipped in a bird-feeder. Man, these are great.

 

5. Guy who feels compelled to say three minutes into the game, "(Insert team’s name here) just didn’t come ready to play."

Really? I’m pretty sure the Super Bowl didn’t sneak up on either team. It’s not like Aaron Rodgers was out shopping at Home Depot earlier that morning and then he suddenly realized, "Oh man, it’s the Super Bowl today, I better get to the stadium."

 

6. The fan who works at Denny’s and complains about how much the players get paid ... then suggests he or she could do their job.

Right, of course you could. Despite misconceptions that most players arrive in the NFL after proving themselves somewhere in college football, they actually get discovered as short-order cooks making Grand Slam breakfasts in Hoboken, NJ. Good point, run a post route and don’t come back.

 

7. Guy who draws sweeping conclusions from any and every play, particularly those that occur early in the first quarter and when the teams are separated by a single score.

"I’m telling you Green Bay just can’t handle Pittsburgh today," he will say. Easy there Nostradamus. I’m pretty sure that four-yard off tackle play for a first down midway through the first quarter hasn’t defined the game.

 

8. Guy in the Dan Marino jersey.

There is always a guy in a Dan Marino jersey.

 

9. Boyfriend of girl with exposed thong.

He will be constantly eyeballing every other guy in the place in a kind of territorial way. He also will attempt to cuddle with his girlfriend so that her mid-riff bearing sweater can attempt to reconnect with her low-riding jeans. The cuddling will be unsuccessful.

 

10. Guy who confidently asserts, "It’s about time for the halfback pass," on first and ten from inside their own five.

Dude, give up on the halfback pass. If one team actually runs the halfback pass in said situation, just stand up and leave the game. Halfback pass guy is going to be emboldened and you really don’t need to or want to hear him demanding the double reverse on fourth and goal.

 

11. Guy who says, "He’s gonna score," every time a five-yard gain occurs.

Easy there hombre. There are players who aren’t on the screen. If this starts to get really annoying (and it will) start picturing this guy out drinking at the bar. For him, foreplay begins the moment any girl accidentally bumps into him standing in line at the bathroom.

 

12. Guy who calls for the quarterback to be replaced midway through the second quarter with the score something like 10-3.

"I’m just telling you (insert quarterback’s name here) is just not getting it done." You always have to love this guy. It doesn’t matter how many regular season games the starting quarterback has won or that no healthy starting quarterback has been replaced in the Super Bowl in either of your life times. Guaranteed, this guy has a message board name like Pantyraidingqbstuffer48. Feel free to ignore everything he says ... if you can. If not, log on to his favorite message board and choose as your own name Pantyraidingqbstuffr48. Gleefully destroy his message board "credibility" post by post.

 

13. Woman who is overly obsessed with the raffled scoring grid.

"Oh, and if the game finishes with a score of 3-2, Suzy will win. Yay, Suzy." Lean over to this woman, who I guarantee will be named something like Ronda, and give her the most difficult logic puzzle you can think of that incorporates the raffled scoring grid. Something like, "Ronda, if Pittsburgh scores one-half of the points that Green Bay scores in the first quarter but three times as many as Green Bay scores in the second quarter and each team alternates scores of 7, 3, 2, 3, 7 in the second half, whose square would win if there is a safety by Pittsburgh in the final minute?"

 

14. Guy who compares this game to his high-school game in New Mexico circa 1984.

Yeah, sure. The approximately three base defenses and three pass plays (screen right, slant, screen left) your team ran in those days really offer an outstanding template for the Super Bowl. I’m surprised Mike Tomlin didn’t request the game film.

 

15. The person who spends the entire game cheering for ridiculous things like how many times a punted ball bounces or number of times players tap each other on the butt.

Make this fun for everyone. Start counting the number of times this person touches his or her hair, crosses his or her leg or eats a pretzel. Have Ronda keep a chart if necessary.

 

16. Guy who shows up wearing wristbands.

What, did he just step off a jet and come straight to your place from the Australian Open? At a crucial moment in the game, feel free to lift his arm and mop your brow with his wristbands. I mean, that’s what wristbands are for right?

 

17. Guy who keeps saying, "I can’t tell if the Seahawks are in the dime or the nickel," while the Seahawks are on offense.

They’re in the quarter ... please shut up.

 

18. The foreign dude who is studying abroad and keeps saying, "American football is only the second most popular football in the world."

Maybe so, but it’s the most popular football in this house and this country. Go have a strudel ... and take the metric system with you.

 

19. Woman who parades her fat kid around the room and says, "When Tommy grows up he’s going to play football."

Just because your kid is fat doesn’t mean he is going to play football. In fact, chances are, he’s just going to be fat. Please move him from in front of the television screen and tell him to put down the bowl of cheese-puffs.

 

20. Person who announces they only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, talks throughout the game broadcast and then shushes everyone during the commercial breaks.

Does this even require any analysis? Shun them ... or stone them during half-time.

 

21. The insider.

This person will have the most ludicrous connection imaginable to one of the teams. He/she will say they share a refrigerator repairman with Hines Ward yet will insist all night with some tidbit of knowledge like, "Hines Ward’s sub-zero had cornmeal inside," will determine the outcome of the game ... according to the refrigerator repairman.

 

22. Guy who is absolutely certain that, "(Insert coaches name here) doesn’t want to win."

You’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m sure the coach has been working 100-hour weeks since June so he can lose the biggest game of the year. Solid analysis ... go back to telling us about your new call-center job please.

 

23. Woman who says something like, "I don’t understand why the Steelers have such ugly colors ... black and yellow, yuck."

Because their primary market isn’t prissy broads drinking martinis at Super Bowl parties. Please be quiet.

 

24. Couple that gets into an argument over how many beers the guy is drinking.

This means the guy is going to drink twice as many more beers as he otherwise would have. Whatever you do, don’t offer to make this guy a Lemon Drop.

 

25. Guy who makes everyone who doesn’t care about football uncomfortable by telling someone else’s kid to shut up when they are running around the house screaming.

This will probably be your friend ... and it might be you. Take a tip from ClayNation and during a commercial break flash a $100 bill at the kids. Then go outside and hide a $5 bill in the most difficult place imaginable. Then tell the kids it was a hundred and whomever finds it gets to keep it. An hour later when someone finds the five, say, "Someone else must have hid that. My hundred is still out there."

 

 

Edited to make it fit this year's matchup.

Edited February 5, 2011 by irish

[HowboutthemCowboys]

19. Woman who parades her fat kid around the room and says, "When Tommy grows up he’s going to play football."

Just because your kid is fat doesn’t mean he is going to play football. In fact, chances are, he’s just going to be fat. Please move him from in front of the television screen and tell him to put down the bowl of cheese-puffs

 

[loaf]

the most annoying partier is the one who wins squares in the 1st, 3rd and overall score

[Menudo]

26. PiratesOwnNinjas

27. bpwallace49

28. smithjam

29. Big John

30. tosberg34

31. The 13ers

32. Fatman

33. budlitebrad

34. Chavez

 

[kpholmes]

8. Guy in the Dan Marino jersey.

There is always a guy in a Dan Marino jersey.

 

Every Superbowl Sunday when I was younger...

[tazinib1]

26. PiratesOwnNinjas

27. bpwallace49

28. smithjam

29. Big John

30. tosberg34

31. The 13ers

32. Fatman

33. budlitebrad

34. Chavez

 

 

 

26. The "Analyst". This guy calls out every play, usually after the snap and gloats that he knows what he's talking about. This is also the guy that calls "Pass Interference" on a flag dropped behind the line. We all know its holding, but this guy is screaming Pass Interference. He'll try and pre-call a play once in a while "They need to get the ball to Jordy Nelson" and bingo, it happens. This is when you wanna peel the skin off your face.

Edited February 5, 2011 by tazinib1

[loaf]

35. Steelers fans

[detlef]

That was completely unfunny. Really. Almost every list like that I've ever seen at least makes me chuckle at some point, even if they're totally lame. Maybe that one would have at some point had I the where-with-all to keep reading after the first 10 or so, but I simply didn't have it in me because they were all completely lame.

 

I don't know, I've probably gone to a SB party all but 2-3 years since I've been old enough to have any idea what the hell is going on. And I haven't been choosy, either. It's not like I'm always sitting down with the absolute coolest people alive (though my good friend Mike who's party I've gone to the last 5 or so years and am going to tomorrow never disappoints, both in quality grub, libations, and good folks, I digress). I don't know. While I do think it's lame for some dude to wear his cap sideways, I guess I just don't think it would ever register enough for me to put in one of these silly lists.

 

If I were to make a list, perhaps I'd make a list of lists that were stupid and didn't need to be written. And I think if I were to do so, I'd find my lead-off.

[buddahj]

No. 8 is priceless

[loaf]

That was completely unfunny. Really. Almost every list like that I've ever seen at least makes me chuckle at some point, even if they're totally lame. Maybe that one would have at some point had I the where-with-all to keep reading after the first 10 or so, but I simply didn't have it in me because they were all completely lame.

 

I don't know, I've probably gone to a SB party all but 2-3 years since I've been old enough to have any idea what the hell is going on. And I haven't been choosy, either. It's not like I'm always sitting down with the absolute coolest people alive (though my good friend Mike who's party I've gone to the last 5 or so years and am going to tomorrow never disappoints, both in quality grub, libations, and good folks, I digress). I don't know. While I do think it's lame for some dude to wear his cap sideways, I guess I just don't think it would ever register enough for me to put in one of these silly lists.

 

If I were to make a list, perhaps I'd make a list of lists that were stupid and didn't need to be written. And I think if I were to do so, I'd find my lead-off.

#36. Detlef

[irish]

That was completely unfunny. Really. Almost every list like that I've ever seen at least makes me chuckle at some point, even if they're totally lame. Maybe that one would have at some point had I the where-with-all to keep reading after the first 10 or so, but I simply didn't have it in me because they were all completely lame.

 

I don't know, I've probably gone to a SB party all but 2-3 years since I've been old enough to have any idea what the hell is going on. And I haven't been choosy, either. It's not like I'm always sitting down with the absolute coolest people alive (though my good friend Mike who's party I've gone to the last 5 or so years and am going to tomorrow never disappoints, both in quality grub, libations, and good folks, I digress). I don't know. While I do think it's lame for some dude to wear his cap sideways, I guess I just don't think it would ever register enough for me to put in one of these silly lists.

 

If I were to make a list, perhaps I'd make a list of lists that were stupid and didn't need to be written. And I think if I were to do so, I'd find my lead-off.

 

 

That's cool, to each is own. Some were lame though. I thought 2,4, 8, 9, 16 and 19 were pretty funny. And then there were a few that I have seen happen for myself and so it registered as I was able to connect-

 

-For instance, I went to a SuperBowl party one time and one of the guys there played high school ball and used to get pretty fired up comparing his playing days, especially the more he drank, so I was laughing my ass off at #14.

 

-Most of the women in my family represent #20.

 

-One of my brothers tries to put a last minute pool together every year like #15. You know, who wins the coin toss, is it heads or tails, who gets the first 1st down, who scores first, who calls the first timeout, etc...

Edited February 5, 2011 by irish

[Menudo]

1. Guy who is way too excited for the halftime show.

 

Overheard: “I can’t wait for the Black Eyed Peas! Ten bucks says they open with ‘I Gotta Feeling.’ I hope there’s some sick surprise, like Bon Jovi playing a mashup with them. That would be tight!”

 

2. Guy who still thinks commercials are the best part and forces laughter at trite beer ads to prove his point.

 

Overheard: “Cedric the Entertainer just chose Bud Light over his hot girlfriend! HAHA! CLASSIC!”

 

3. Degenerate gambler glued to his phone/laptop, betting on every play and prop bet.

 

Overheard: “click click click click. YES! click click click click. Penny Lane!”

 

4. Guy who won’t shut up about his office pool and how he almost won it last year.

 

Overheard: “Dude, I was this Penny Laneing close! This dork from accounting beat me by one point, and he doesn’t know ANYTHING about football. I was so pissed, bro!”

 

5. Girl who hates football, but cheers for her dickhead boyfriend’s team because he’s a manipulative prick who makes her beg for validation.

 

Overheard: “Look, honey, they’re making a touchdown kick! Please love me.”

 

6. Guy who coaches youth football and eagerly breaks down the game’s strategy for the rest of us mere pedestrians.

 

Overheard: “See, the Packers want to score before halftime, but they don’t want to leave TOO MUCH time on the clock and give the Steelers a chance to score, too. I did the same thing against Springfield in the playoffs. I wasn’t gonna let little Jimmy Burke burn me again!”

 

7. Guy who saw Drew Brees at the airport and thinks he’s overrated because “he’s not that big.”

 

Overheard: “I’m telling you, he’s MAAAYBE 6’1” with shoes. He wasn’t even the biggest guy in the terminal. I saw him in line at Jamba Juice, and I totally could have tackled him from behind, but his kid was there and I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

 

8. Guy who spews esoteric football terms, but can’t explain what they actually mean when pressed.

 

Overheard: “They need to use zone blitzes to counter those delayed slip screens!”

 

9. Desperate girl with no self-esteem who pretends to love football and beer so guys will think she’s super cool and fall in love with her.

 

Overheard: “I’m TOTALLY addicted to football! Most girls spend weekends shopping and working out. Not me. I’d rather chill and watch sports. And I make the BEST game snacks!”

 

Extra point: She has no idea which teams are actually playing in the game, and the only football players she can name are the ones involved in tabloid gossip.

 

10. Fat ass who just came for the snacks.

 

Overheard: “Dude, you can’t eat wings without blue cheese! Ever dip pizza in ranch? It’s phe-NOMINAL!”

 

Extra point: Will try to flirt with the no-self-esteem girl. Unfortunately, she’ll eventually realize how little he knows about football and that even she can do better.

 

11. Guy who already has the Packers’ offense solved because he’s “crushed them on Madden a million times.”

 

Overheard: “Dude, all you need to do is collapse the pocket with the nose tackle, then switch to the blitzing linebacker and knock the diaper dirt out of Rodgers with the Hit Stick button.”

 

12. Socially awkward guy who tries too hard to fit in by overreacting to mundane things.

 

Overheard: “Offsetting penalties?! We’re all Penny Laneed!”

 

13. Guy who thinks his terrible team is one key draft pick away from winning next year’s Super Bowl.

 

Overheard: “I already booked my flight to New York for the draft! We were 4-12 last year, but we were SO CLOSE to being 12-4. Three of those losses were by less than four points, and the refs basically handed two more to the other team. If we snag that right guard from Notre Dame, we’ll be unstoppable!”

 

14. Guy who high-five rapes everybody, even when celebration isn’t warranted.

 

Overheard: “That’s a 4-yard gain, right up their ass! Don’t leave me hanging, bro!”

 

15. Guy who tries to teach the token hot girl about football because he thinks she’s impressed by his condescending tutorials.

 

Overheard: “See that guy with the ball? He’s trying to throw it to one of those little fast guys before the other team tackles him. That’s called a sack. Don’t worry; I didn’t really understand football until I made captain in high school.”

 

16. Guy who thinks his (obviously premeditated) sexual puns are hilarious.

 

Overheard: “Time to penetrate the end zone! LOL! They should double-team the tight end! HAHA!”

 

17. Obese slob who thinks he could be an NFL lineman because he’s “heavier than those guys” and “used to wreck shop in JV.”

 

Overheard: “People always ask if I play football because I’m such a big guy. I wear 5XL T-shirts. Most of these guys are only 3XLs. I weighed 350 in high school. I would have gone pro if coach didn’t bench me because of my asthma.”

 

18. Guy who hangs on every word the broadcasters say, praying they’ll misspeak so he can ridicule them.

 

Overheard: “Did you hear that? He just said this is Roethlisberger’s third Super Bowl in six years. This is his seventh season. Penny Laneing morons!”

 

19. Guy who is SO Penny LaneING INTENSE about football that you BETTER NOT Penny LaneING TALK to him when his team has the ball!

 

Overheard: “Shut the Penny Lane up, everybody! I want to hear Rodgers’ audibles and all the offensive-line calls! This is the Super Bowl, not Penny Laneing happy hour!”

 

20. Guy who spent the last two weeks memorizing obscure stats to casually rattle off.

 

Overheard: “Yeah, Rodgers is pretty good, but his passer rating is only 78.2 when rolling to his left in domed stadiums.”

 

21. Guy who wears a zany wig, shoulder pads and face paint because he’d rather prove he’s a die-hard fan than comfortably enjoy the game.

 

Overheard: “What do you think of my outfit? I spent two weeks putting it together. I can’t wait to post these pictures on Facebook!”

[caddyman]

That was completely unfunny. Really. Almost every list like that I've ever seen at least makes me chuckle at some point, even if they're totally lame. Maybe that one would have at some point had I the where-with-all to keep reading after the first 10 or so, but I simply didn't have it in me because they were all completely lame.

 

I don't know, I've probably gone to a SB party all but 2-3 years since I've been old enough to have any idea what the hell is going on. And I haven't been choosy, either. It's not like I'm always sitting down with the absolute coolest people alive (though my good friend Mike who's party I've gone to the last 5 or so years and am going to tomorrow never disappoints, both in quality grub, libations, and good folks, I digress). I don't know. While I do think it's lame for some dude to wear his cap sideways, I guess I just don't think it would ever register enough for me to put in one of these silly lists.

 

If I were to make a list, perhaps I'd make a list of lists that were stupid and didn't need to be written. And I think if I were to do so, I'd find my lead-off.

Yes...I agree. Lame. Kind of like your snooty little thread about the guy that asked if you were open. Lame.

[Chavez]

26. PiratesOwnNinjas

27. bpwallace49

28. smithjam

29. Big John

30. tosberg34

31. The 13ers

32. Fatman

33. budlitebrad

34. Chavez

 

 

 

Any REAL man would have posted this in poetical form.

[Menudo]

Any REAL man would have posted this in poetical form.

 

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue.

We're getting number 7,

So Flock all of you.

 

[Scooby's Hubby]

i am gonna try number 25 tomorrow. no chit.

[Chief Dick]

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue.

We're getting number 7,

So Flock all of you.

 

 

Man, I was going to keep the Victory Pants in the closet because I didn't want to affect the game, but I may just break 'em out for the Packers now.

Edited February 6, 2011 by Chief Dick

[Menudo]

Man, I was going to keep the Victory Pants in the closet because I didn't want to affect the game, but I may just break 'em out for the Packers now.

 

Hey, I gave a Please, leave the pants in the closet, let fate play itself out. Didn't you see all of the Back to the Futures ? Your pants have power to change the way things are supposed to happen. With great power comes great responsibility.

[Cunning Runt]

That was completely unfunny. Really. Almost every list like that I've ever seen at least makes me chuckle at some point, even if they're totally lame. Maybe that one would have at some point had I the where-with-all to keep reading after the first 10 or so, but I simply didn't have it in me because they were all completely lame.

 

I don't know, I've probably gone to a SB party all but 2-3 years since I've been old enough to have any idea what the hell is going on. And I haven't been choosy, either. It's not like I'm always sitting down with the absolute coolest people alive (though my good friend Mike who's party I've gone to the last 5 or so years and am going to tomorrow never disappoints, both in quality grub, libations, and good folks, I digress). I don't know. While I do think it's lame for some dude to wear his cap sideways, I guess I just don't think it would ever register enough for me to put in one of these silly lists.

 

If I were to make a list, perhaps I'd make a list of lists that were stupid and didn't need to be written. And I think if I were to do so, I'd find my lead-off.

 

This. I thought it was completely unfunny also.

[detlef]

I thought 2,4, 8, 9, 16 and 19 were pretty funny.

But they weren't. I'll give you the Marino Jersey guy, mostly because he actually exists. But the sweatbands guy? Really? Have you ever been to a SB party and some dude showed up with sweatbands on? Who the hell are you partying with? Or some chick with a thong showing and her d-bag boyfriend who wants to fight you and snuggle her? I guess I'm lucky. Pretty much every party I've been to are just a bunch of people having a good time and watching the game.

 

Honestly though, dude lost me on #1. I knew right then and there that, even if he managed to stumble upon something that resonated, he'd be sure to eff it up.

[alexgaddis]

2. Girl with an exposed thong.

Inevitably she will sit right in front of you and you’ll think you’re clubbing in South Beach. The thong will be something ridiculous, like leopard print or have a saying like, "I'm a kitten ... make me purr," which will be true but distracting. Of course this girl will lean forward on a pillow or something and you’ll miss several important third down plays because you are trying to keep your wife or girlfriend from noticing your obsession with the exposed thong.

 

This girl will not be at my party...

[Chief Dick]

2. Guy with an exposed thong.

Inevitably he will sit right in front of you and you’ll think you’re clubbing in South Beach. The thong will be something ridiculous, like leopard print or have a saying like, "I'm a kitten ... make me purr," which will be true but distracting. Of course this guy will lean forward on a pillow or something and you’ll miss several important third down plays because you are trying to keep your wiener from twitching because of your obsession with the exposed thong.

 

This guy will be at my party..

 

fixed for accuracy

[Seahawks21]

Now Menudo's list was pretty funny, and didn't even throw any dirt. Too much time on your hands, but well done, sir.

[Menudo]

Now Menudo's list was pretty funny, and didn't even throw any dirt. Too much time on your hands, but well done, sir.

 

Ah, I should have quoted it to give it credit. I found it on the innerwebs, I didn't write it.

[Bier Meister]

Ah, I should have quoted it to give it credit. I found it on the innerwebs, I didn't write it.

 

 

np menudish.