cliaz Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 sorry if this has been posted before: All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience: 1.Occupied. 2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one. 3.Poo on seat. 4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride. Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'canes2004 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Post of the year. Mark it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Why was i expecting polk to post that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big F'n Dave Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 "The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MojoMan Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 (edited) Love that anecdote. For more, see poopreport.com Edited January 24, 2006 by MojoMan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 That's some good stuff. I can fart on demand in restaurants for the idiots on the cell phone next to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'canes2004 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 "My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. " Poop mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I can fart on demand in restaurants for the idiots on the cell phone next to me. 1285030[/snapback] You are one talented dude!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Poop particles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NAUgrad Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Holly crap!!! My face hurts from laughing so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Crap that was funny! I'm sitting here in my little cube neighborhood doing my darnedest not to laugh out loud! Holy jeez!!!! :LMAO: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundaynfl Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Laughed so hard I cried! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sores Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma See....I guess I am more critical than most when it comes to diatribes like this. Whomever wrote this, I presume it is an anonymous post from a blog or something, tried too hard for me. They used the words "eldritch" and "miasma" within 16 words of each other. They lost me at that point. It was no longer funny or anecdotal. This is the same problem I have with Stephen King. While a universally admired writer, I just can't read his stuff. He is alway trying too hard for me to enjoy his writing. I would give this a C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big F'n Dave Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 See....I guess I am more critical than most when it comes to diatribes like this. Whomever wrote this, I presume it is an anonymous post from a blog or something, tried too hard for me. They used the words "eldritch" and "miasma" within 16 words of each other. They lost me at that point. It was no longer funny or anecdotal. This is the same problem I have with Stephen King. While a universally admired writer, I just can't read his stuff. He is alway trying too hard for me to enjoy his writing. I would give this a C. 1286313[/snapback] Don't hold it against others if you have to look up "miasma" and "eldritch." It's not as if they're uncommon. I use miasma three or four times a day. You're just pissed that your avy vanished, aren't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flip_Side Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 LMAO!!! HILARIOUS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DKF Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 darn that had me rolling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
REZ Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Don't hold it against others if you have to look up "miasma" and "eldritch." It's not as if they're uncommon. I use miasma three or four times a day. You're just pissed that your avy vanished, aren't you? 1286331[/snapback] his avy didn't seem bad. not as bad (good??) as a few others. How come it went away? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deacon Bill Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Thanx for starting my morning with a good laugh cliaz. Too funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGrunt Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 Post of the year. Mark it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayItAintSoJoe Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I normally don’t read posts that long but I couldn’t tear myself away. I laughed, I cried, hell, I think I even farted. Great post! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 It IS a classic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Linguist Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Well done sir, well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I didn't read it but I've dropped a few cell phones into toilets by accident. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Happy anniversary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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