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Anyone Who Has Lost A Loved One


Menudo
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Sorry, don't mean to bring things down, but one of my favorite things about this place is the ability to vent and hear other people's thoughts who have gone through similar things.

 

As some of you may remember I lost my Father back in early June. My Dad and I had a very unique relationship. We were best friends. We spoke on the phone everyday. Many joked that we shared the same brain. If I thought something was funny, I couldn't wait to tell it to my Dad, because I loved to hear him laugh. I miss talking Steelers, Pirates, Penn State, and Fantasy Football with him.

 

Anyway, to the point of this, immediately after Dad died, I was surprised at how strong I was able to be. I am an emotional guy, but I just felt some inner strength, because I had to be there for my family. In the next month, it was tough, I really struggled and was having a very hard time. Then things started to feel better for a while. I started noticing that I would go long periods of time without thinking of my Dad as much. This continued for a few months, and I was actually surprised at how well I was doing. Of course I missed him, but I was impressed with how strong I was dealing with things.

 

Over the last 3 weeks, things have gone downhill fast. I have really been struggling. I have been tearing up and sometimes downright crying. When I go to my Mom's house, I tear up immediately, because I can see my Dad sitting there and how excited he got when he saw me walk through that door. Now, on my drives home from work, I ofte get the lump in my throat and sickness in my stomach, as I think about missing the daily calls to my Dad. I also feel slighted that I am only 31 years old, and will have to live the rest of my life with the void that is missing. It has really been hurting a lot lately. I do have a great family to lean on, and I can call my Mom and sister, or talk to my wife and I do feel a lot better.

 

Tonight, I found out that there is a very good chance that I am going to get a huge promotion at work. It came unexpectedly and I was so excited. I called my wife, my mom, and my sister, as I was so excited, but then it hit me that the one person I wanted to call isn't here anymore. I talked to him out loud, but it just hurts, because I want to give him the good news.

 

Anyway the point of this is, are there others there who have dealt with a tough loss like this. Is it normal to go from feeling very sad, to getting better, and then going completely backwards again. I am just struggling a lot more here over the last few weeks, and it is causing me a bit of depression. If it doesn't feel better soon, I may need to go talk to a Professional. Anyone who can share any experience and/or advice it is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks to the members of the Huddle for giving me this great place to vent. I know I annoy some of you at times with my Steeler homerism (yes, I admit it), but I get it honestly from my Father. I really have grown to appreciate this place more and more as time goes on. Thanks for listening....err.....reading. Take care.

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i don't know what normal is menudo, but i can tell you that i share what you are going through. my older brother died unexpectedly last year - he was 39. his heart gave out in his sleep. we've had a long and sometimes rocky history, but we were never as close as we were the few years before his death. during that time he opened my heart to become a christian and help me take my first steps. sometimes i think god kept him alive long enough to do that and then called him home ... i don't know. but i can tell you that as soon as i saw your thread title, the wave crashed over me again realizing that he is gone and it's hard to even type this without tearing up.

 

life goes on and it's easy for the activities of the day to take over and then you find yourself not thinking about it for days or even weeks, but then out of nowhere you will see or hear something and it comes right back.

 

i've found incredible solace in prayer and through my faith. i pray that i'll see mike again one day and will be able to thank him for what he did for me. i focus on the good times we had and try to live a life that would make him proud of me.

 

hang in there and remember how your dad would want you to carry on ...

 

and congratulations on the promotion!

 

p.s. i still like carson better ... :D

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The simple answer--what you are experiencing is normal. There will be times when things feel better and times when they suck. There will always be some pain and hurt there. I'm convinced that when you lose someone close, there is always a hurt that doesn't completely heal.

 

However, if your feelings of depression, bereavement, etc start to be overwhelming and significantly impact your job, your relationships, etc--getting professional help is a good thing.

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The simple answer--what you are experiencing is normal.  There will be times when things feel better and times when they suck.  There will always be some pain and hurt there.  I'm convinced that when you lose someone close, there is always a hurt that doesn't completely heal.

 

However, if your feelings of depression, bereavement, etc start to be overwhelming and significantly impact your job, your relationships, etc--getting professional help is a good thing.

 

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Very nice post untateve.

 

I lost my step dad last February. It is interesting what things can trigger emotions. Going to my mom's place, seeing his photographs, certain shows or movies that he used to really like and I had seen them many times with him. Talking when our family gets together and I can swear I hear his laughter at times.

 

There was a song that was getting quite a bit of air time at the time of his death. While rushing to Dayton this song played a couple times along the way and it just really hit me and I literally bawled when I heard it. Every once in a while I hear that song and it just tears me up. I feel like an ass because I can't remember the name of the song or who sings it.

 

I'm glad that I had told him, many times, that I loved him as if he was my real dad and he was 100x the father to me than my real dad ever was.

 

As Tony also said, hang in there and remember how your dad would want you to carry on.

 

Congratulations on your promotion.

Edited by Gunther
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Menudo, my thoughts and prayers are with you.  (& untateve obviously knows what he is talking about)

 

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What he said.

 

My old man died when I was 18, which has now been 18 years ago. There are times even now where I have real conflicting emotions about him, some good and some bad. My brothers and I had some real hard times growing up.

 

Times do get better, and it's important you never forget. Because who you are and what you do is a direct reflection of the man. So pass on the good, and let go of the bad.

 

Peace will come eventually.

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I can't relate, as I've been blessed with health in my family, and my parents are 70 and 65 and retired and having a great time living in Florida. All I do know is that I don't how I'll be able to deal when that time comes.

 

That being said, congratulations on your promotion, and I'm sure that no one is prouder than your Dad whose watching over you from a better place.

 

All that being said, I sincerely hope that your new job keeps you extremely busy so it will leave you with less time to post Steeler drivel here at the huddle. :D

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I haven't had to experience losing any one so close, so I haven't really the words. I wish you the best of luck and congratulations with your new job. Just know that your dad is looking down upon you and wouldn't want you to feel sad and instead i'm sure he's as proud as heck. :D

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I haven't experienced what you are going through but it sounds like you are going through normal emotions. You can not control when the feelings of sadness come upon you. Just hang in there and know that you Dad is looking over you and is with you every day. I am sure he is very proud of you. Remember all of the good times and treasure the time that you had with him. He sounds like a great man.

 

Best of luck to you Menudo.

 

If you need anything at all let me know. You can PM me at any time.

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Menudo im sure your Dad is always in the back of your head and I think certain things will bring out your emotions to the surface once in a while. It may be that we are starting to talk about the holidays a little or because of the promotion you are going to get.Your mind automatically wants to share what you are passionate about with him. In my heart I truly believe you are still sharing all of these things with him . When you are at a very emotional place and feeling vulnerable maybe going to visit him in his place of rest would help you. Remember you can always talk to your friends here. Ive always liked the way you handle yourself on these boards. My thoughts are with you.

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Menudo, I haven't ever lost anyone in the sense that you are talking about, but after my sister was in her accident, I did go through a wide range of emotions like you are speaking of and still do at times. Although she is still alive, it is still difficult at times, because of the state of her condition leaves her where she can not talk, walk, or do much of anything other than be moved from her bed to a wheelchair and back. So to me in a way it is like I have lost her. But I too think the things you are feeling are normal, its just part of the process of dealing with the loss of a loved one. However, like untateve said, if it gets to a certain point where it is in control of your everyday life, seeking some professional help probably wouldnt be a bad idea. Congrats on the promotion and best of luck.

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Menudo, I don't know if it helps, but I have found in my work that many people go through something quite like you're going through right now. Soon after they've lost someone, people have more 'visual' support from people, and they steel themselves for how painful their loss is. Time passes though and the supports are a little more distant and your guard drops somewhat. Then you start to feel the loss more deeply. You've accepted it intellectually but the heart takes longer. You're also approaching 6 months after your dad's death and that's frequently a low point for folks. The holidays are approaching and that too can add to the difficulty of adjusting to life without him.

 

I don't know how your family handles their holiday traditions, but it might be a good idea to change them a bit this year or plan something a little lower key. Be gentle with yourself and others and give yourself permission to have those sad days.

 

Hang in there. :D

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Menudo I'm sorry to hear about the sadness you are feeling right now, but I am sure it is normal having gone through what you have. I believe all of the feelings good and sad are very important to the healing process, and I don't believe there is a specific time in which you should be "over it". Just remember that you loved each other very much and it's OK if you you feel better, you shouldn't feel guilty about having times that you don't think about his passing. He would want you to work through the sadness and to do your best to keep positive and move forward. And like you said you have an excellent family to lean on so use those outlets and in doing so you may even bring some peace to your family members.

My best wishes are with you and your family.

 

I agree this is a wonderful place to vent and personally I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts on your situation. Keep strong and congratulations on your promotion :D

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Menudo,

 

All of these posts have been excellent. I'll throw in my support and what little I know. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss and wish it would be easier or less painful for you. Given your close relationship with your father, what you're going through is completely normal. It is common to have grief that waxes and wanes. As Czarina said, six months is a common time for feelings of loss to reemerge. Combine this with the holidays and you should not be surprised.

 

My advice FWIW. Assuming you're not giving a presentation for a multi-million dollar deal at Mars, don't try to hold your emotions and "be strong." That was appropriate during his funeral and in your job. However, don't keep your feelings bottled up.

 

As unta said, you only need to worry about it if it begins to impact your personal or professional life. If that happens, get help. If you need help deciding if it is impacting you abnormally, you can look for the appropriate symptoms in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or PM me.

 

Congrats on the promotion. Enjoy the Steelers, the holidays, and your family. Hang in there.

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Thank you so much for the responses. It really does help to be able to vent and to also read others thoughts. As for the promotion, it isn't a definite thing yet, but it looks like it is going to happen, which is a surprise to me, which makes it even more exciting. Thanks again everybody for the kind words. This place is great. :D

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My father died of a stroke when I was 11, my brother commited suicide when I was 20, and my mother died of breast/lymph node cancer when I was 25. Shortly after, I met my wife, and her parents. I was never looking for replacement parents/family, but her mom & dad were everything to me. I grew up in a very rigid and strict German family, where showing emotion, hugs and kisses, just didn't happen.

 

But with my in laws, everything was about laughing, and sharing good times together, and learning about life along the way. My father in law died 3 years ago of a rare strain of pneumonia, and it was like losing my father all over again. My mother in law died this past April, after a 10 month battle with brain tumors. But throughout both of their struggles, the family grew even closer.

 

We bought their house, and all the memories that go with it. We moved in about a month ago. My point is this. As much as it hurts to not have them with us anymore, not a day goes by that I don't think of them, or am reminded of them in some way. But instead of grief, I feel joy, knowing that they are all together in a better place, watching over all of us. And as much as I miss them all, they will forever live in my heart, until I join them.

 

So cherish the memories of your dad. It keeps you connected. And know that he is proud of you, and will always love you.

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My father died of a stroke when I was 11, my brother commited suicide when I was 20, and my mother died of breast/lymph node cancer when I was 25. Shortly after, I met my wife, and her parents. I was never looking for replacement parents/family, but her mom & dad were everything to me. I grew up in a very rigid and strict German family, where showing emotion, hugs and kisses, just didn't happen.

 

But with my in laws, everything was about laughing, and sharing good times together, and learning about life along the way. My father in law died 3 years ago of a rare strain of pneumonia, and it was like losing my father all over again. My mother in law died this past April, after a 10 month battle with brain tumors. But throughout both of their struggles, the family grew even closer.

 

We bought their house, and all the memories that go with it. We moved in about a month ago. My point is this. As much as it hurts to not have them with us anymore, not a day goes by that I don't think of them, or am reminded of them in some way. But instead of grief, I feel joy, knowing that they are all together in a better place, watching over all of us. And as much as I miss them all, they will forever live in my heart, until I join them.

 

So cherish the memories of your dad. It keeps you connected. And know that he is proud of you, and will always love you.

 

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Wow. Thanks for sharing Deacon.

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My father died of a stroke when I was 11, my brother commited suicide when I was 20, and my mother died of breast/lymph node cancer when I was 25. Shortly after, I met my wife, and her parents. I was never looking for replacement parents/family, but her mom & dad were everything to me. I grew up in a very rigid and strict German family, where showing emotion, hugs and kisses, just didn't happen.

 

But with my in laws, everything was about laughing, and sharing good times together, and learning about life along the way. My father in law died 3 years ago of a rare strain of pneumonia, and it was like losing my father all over again. My mother in law died this past April, after a 10 month battle with brain tumors. But throughout both of their struggles, the family grew even closer.

 

We bought their house, and all the memories that go with it. We moved in about a month ago. My point is this. As much as it hurts to not have them with us anymore, not a day goes by that I don't think of them, or am reminded of them in some way. But instead of grief, I feel joy, knowing that they are all together in a better place, watching over all of us. And as much as I miss them all, they will forever live in my heart, until I join them.

 

So cherish the memories of your dad. It keeps you connected. And know that he is proud of you, and will always love you.

 

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Thanks for the post Deacon, this place (tailgate) is a much better place since you arrived.

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Thanks for the post Deacon, this place (tailgate) is a much better place since you arrived.

 

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Agreed..Deacon is good people.

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Seems like a good deal of great advice ... especially Deacon's ... I haven't experienced the loss to the same degree since I haven't lost anyone close to me yet, but the wife and I have gone through 5 miscarriages which are nothing near losing someone you have grown up with and experienced many things together with. But those feelings of sadness were still present, especially since the first of them happened right around midnight on Christmas day the first year we were married. So there hardly is a Christmas that goes by without thinking about it. But we have been blessed with two healthy kids and that kind of takes the sting away. However, there are still times where the separation of death or loss is fealt and it is never a good feeling. For me personally there is a hope I have of knowing that something better is coming. I wish and pray the same hope for those of you with loss through your struggles as well.

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I talk to my dead grandfather all the time. I'm wearing an old torn flanel shirt of his today, in fact. It has a tear in the left sleeve.

 

When we were helping my grandmother box up some of his old clothes to go to Goodwill there was a little list of chores in the pocket of this shirt. It read:

 

Chris (my cousin) - rake front yard

Kevin (my little brother) - paint back deck

John (me) - find hiding spot

 

My grannie let me keep the shirt, she kept the note.

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