Brent Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 (edited) Has anyone here been the victim of a cheating spouse. And what did you do. Take them back, or walk. My story - Ive been with my wife 15 yrs, we have a 13 yr old daughter, 7 year old son, and a 5 yr old daughter. I found out on July 5 of this yr that my wife had been having an affair, with one of her co-workers. What is ironic, is I also worked at this company as well until last November, and knew the guy. At a 4th of July party, I got a text message that seemed odd, it had no number associated with it. My wife told me I should go to ATT.com and see if the number shows up there. So around 1 AM, when we got back home, I went to ATT.com and there was no number there either. But as I was backing out, I noticed on my daughters phone line, she had 3000 text messages, which was a ton, but for a teenager, seemed to fit. I had about 300 text messages, usually back and forth with my wife, and then my wifes phone has 1500 text messages. I thought that was odd, who was she texting so much. So I clicked on her number, and I noticed she was texting someone back and forth right now for the past 10 minutes. And the strange thing about it, the number showed to be our home phone number. Im thinking, how can you text a home phone, and on top of that, all my kids are staying with friends, so there is no one home but her and I. So i clicked on the blue hyperlink, which is the number, and a box pops up. Its an alias box, where you can name friends, family etc. But instead of putting a name in this box that shows up online or on your bill, she populated this box with our home phone number. Immediately I called the number, and it went to voicemail, and I recognized the voice and name. I immediately confront her, and she says she is helping this guy out, he is going through a divorce and is suicidal. So the next day, I look this guy up on his home phone, and sure enough his wife answers. I ask her if her and her husband are having problems, she says no way, better than ever. At this point I tell her we have a problem. I looked at past phone and text records and there are hundreds of each ranging from day time stuff during working days, to 11 Pm to 1 AM almost every night once Ive gone to bed. She tells me there have been strange ATM withdrawls on his payday, that he cant explain, which she believes was a gambling habit. She tells me he is out of town at his brothers house, and invites me over to compare notes. When I get there, I see he has 2 daughters 12 and 8, and a attractive wife who is shaking she is so scared her worst fear is true. Well we compare cell records and show during the day there are work phone calls to each cell almost every day, but every other Friday, there are cell phone to cell phone calls for like 10 minutes, then nothing for 2 hrs, then another cell to cell call for 10 minutes. This is strange for several reasons, first its the only days they talk cell to cell, which means they are both at lunch at the same time, and almost a 2 and a half hr lunch at that. So we look at the bank records, and magically there is $80 ATM withdrawls just after the 1st phone call. Its now painfully obvious, the ride to the hotel in seperate vehicles, talking the way there, he gets cash, then they talk 2 hrs later while each driving back to the office. So we know now its an affair. And it looks to go back all the way till December, 1 month after I stop working for this company. Tina, the other mans wife confronts her husband later that day with the evidence and she threatens to leave the state with his girls, where her family lives, if he doesnt tell the truth. Dude sings like a canary. At the same time, I confront my wife and she denies anything but being a good friend, and feeds the gambling problem ATMs he is doing. It isnt until Tina the other wife calls me and says, he told her everything, that my wife finally breaks down. But she denies everything until I already know the facts from them. Not only that, but this started 3 yrs earlier than we thought, July 04. But according to him, it was spread out to one time, then they wouldnt talk for weeks, even months, then it would happen again, then same thing. At first it seemed to be every time I pissed her off, she would tell him, and he would prey on that for sex. Tina called me and said her husband wanted to talk to me, he wanted to apologize. I said sure put the POS on the phone, and he was already listening in. He said he preyed on her vulnerabilty early on, said he tried having sex with her every other Friday since 04, but she wanted no part of that, and she felt guilty after each of the 7 encounters from July 04 to this past December. If I didnt know better, I would have thought my wife put him up to saying all this, but his wife is actually on the phone listening to her husband tell me, he preyed on her. And told her he loved her, told her he would leave his wife for her, etc. I was in shock the other woman would even consider taking him back, but this has happened with them before 8 yrs earlier. She left her husband for cheating during her pregnancy of their 2nd daughter, and then took him back 6 months later after he begged her he would never do it again. And she is taking him back again even after all of this. This past December me and my wife were having serious problems. After I left the company and started my own business, money got tight, and my wife was spending/charging more than ever, when we simply didnt have it. We fought daily over money. so I started filling my free time with other activities so I wouldnt have to fight every day. I played softball Sunday nights and coached my sons soccer on Tuesday and my daughters soccer on Thursday. I added 2 more nights of softball Friday and Monday, and started playing poker every saturday night, leaving only Wednessday as a night I had to come home before my wife was in bed, or close to bed on the soccer nights. We had talked about divorce, she was on anti-depressants, and said she was lonely all the time. I neglected her,because I was so mad about the spending, and the constant fighting. This is when she said he said all the right things, and she started to believe he was serious about loving her. She would question why if loved her, and he got to the point he would say I love you, Yes I do, as a way to stop her from asking after he said it. Supposedly he told my wife he had moved out already from his wife, and they stopped having sex in February, but his wife said that was a lie. He never moved out, and they had sex twice a week. He told me, he was sorry, dont leave your wife, she loves you, I just filled her head with lies, oh and please dont kill me. I laughed. I moved out immediately, took my clothes, and stayed at a extended stay place for 15 days. She left love notes on my car, voice messages all day long, text my phone until it almost blew up, saying how sorry she was. Begging me to come back home from the first day I left. I would only see my kids during the day, before she got home, because I didnt want to see her. That became hard, and last Thursday I went back home. But Ill tell you this, I cant seem to get past what she did. Ive stayed at my office 3 nights in the past week, because I get so mad, I have to leave. Last night is one of those nights. Im not sure what I want. I have 3 kids I love dearly, and if I leave her, I will be a full time dad, only part of the time. I came from a broken home and know how hard that was on me as a kid, and said Id never do that, but I never thought my wife would have an affair either. Ive been to 2 counciling sessions, and basically agree Im 50% of the problem with my marriage, but 0% responsible for her actions. Im told Im a classic alpha-Male, which means I only give as much attention and emotional needs as I need. Part of me wants to work this out, but Im not sure I will ever be able to get past her affair, no matter how much counciling, praying, etc... So Im just curious from my huddle breathren, has anyone been through this before, and how did they handle it. If they went back, how long did it take before they got past things. Did you go back, and then couldnt handle it and then leave. PM me if you dont want to share your story here. I know I wrote a book above, but I wanted honest feedback. And I wanted to answer most questions in the post. Thanks in advance Longtime Huddler who created this new account for some privacy. Edited July 31, 2008 by Brent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 1st of all, sorry man. just a sh1t situation. all i can say is lawyer up now, without telling her. you have no idea what she is doing behind your back. you dont have to use him and hopefully never have to. but u need to find out your rights and what to do to protect yourself in the event it gets ugly. good luck bro! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Front Row Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Wow. Sorry to hear it B. I don't have any wisdom to offer , just know your kids didn't do anything to deserve this mess . Try to get out of you own head & take the high road if you can. I hope better days are ahead for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEC=UGA Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 (edited) Dude, my condolences, this is as bad as a death of a loved one... I don't know what to tell you, I've never been through this before. I will say one thing and it is right there in your story, if they cheat once, they will do it again. The cheating male in this instance had done it before, in my opinion, so might your wife. ETA and I agree with DMARC you better lawyer up and fast, don't listen to this BS from her about, "oh I'll be nice, we'll do it fairly", she will take your ass to the cleaners. I had a friend of mine, he wanted to play it nice, his wife loved him, she wasn't the vindictive type, shi t, she got vicious, took everything and then some. Edited July 31, 2008 by SEC=UGA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brent Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 1st of all, sorry man. just a sh1t situation. all i can say is lawyer up now, without telling her. you have no idea what she is doing behind your back. you dont have to use him and hopefully never have to. but u need to find out your rights and what to do to protect yourself in the event it gets ugly. good luck bro! Oh I did this already. Im using one of my State Senators sons, who happens to live in my town. He said basically if you want a Divorce, he prefers I wait 30 days before filling, as my emotions will change 100 times in the next 30 days. he says its common to react immediately, which is also why there is a 60 day waiting period to finalize things, because people change their minds. But I have the best attorney in my county, no question about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlanta Cracker Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Wow that sucks. I've never been down that road and hopefully never will. My only thought would be for the two of you to try to figure out what will make both of you the happiest long term looking forward. Your kids will be happiest if the two of you are happy regardless whether you live together or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DisplacedMercs Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Wow that sucks, DMD... errr Brent. Good thing you lawyered up. DId you drain the joint accounts yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildcat2334 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 wow- heck of a story, sorry to hear it bro- I have never been married, no kids - so it is hard to know exactly what you are going thru. BUT I have dealt with cheating quite a bit over the years, both my side and their's. For me, I don't think I could ever get past this and get back with her, I am stubborn and would be done. the difference maker for me is that it is a long, drawn out affair with feelings, and she lied thru her teeth to you up until the bitter end. For me, that is different than something that may have happened a few times, and in a short period of time due to some tough times, or something specifice happening. just my personality, but if past g/f have a long-drawn out affair - I am out the kids obviously are the tough part, but I just don't think I could get past it - good luck, you will know what the best move is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballjoe Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Just want to say that I am sorry you are going thruogh this. I have never had anything like this happen to me and hope I never do. No one can really tell you what to do. I would suggest that if you do decide to stay together you both go to counseling, she finds a new work place and her time away on her own would be very limited. You would have to know where she is at all times. Right now she cannot be trusted and it may take many years for you to trust her again, if you ever do. I would also seek the advice of an attorney just to weigh your options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrTed46 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Dude so sorry to hear that poopy. The only advise I give to all my friends who go through something similar to this is: Take everyones advise with a grain of salt. People will react or give advise on the facts they know...people dont know how you feel inside your heart. People tend to always KNOW what to do but when it happens to them they are left crippled. You really have to dig into yourself and see how YOU want to handle it from here. Its very easy for me to post...leave the cheating B****...but in reality its not easy. All I ask is to listen to everyones advise but please know that they are all biased and dont know all the facts. I hope for the best my friend. Find yourself before you choose a path. Every human variable will influence your decision here not just the words in your post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Oh I did this already. Im using one of my State Senators sons, who happens to live in my town. He said basically if you want a Divorce, he prefers I wait 30 days before filling, as my emotions will change 100 times in the next 30 days. he says its common to react immediately, which is also why there is a 60 day waiting period to finalize things, because people change their minds. But I have the best attorney in my county, no question about that. hopefully you never have to use him. i have a few friends that are going thru it now and that have gone thru it. guys get the raw end of the deal most of the time. hopefully it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 dude. my first thought halfway through was "this b*tch is gonzo...don't let the door hitya". I'm glad to say I have never been in quite that spot. I don't know what the hell I would do. how can you ever trust her? and how do you know all of her contrition and apologies aren't motivated by fear of losing the kids, not having as much money or a place to stay, etc. if she is kicked out? I guess all you can do is go with your gut. do you love her? does she love you? is there something worth rebuilding? I don't envy your position, bro. good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have been married for 9 years, I have 2 kids, if my wife ever cheated on me it would be the end of our marriage. The rest would have to work itself out somehow. I would do everything I could to get custody of my children, but would let them have plenty of time to see their mother. I know that there would be a lot more to it, but those are my feelings in a nutshell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 really sucks brent... this is one of those things hat won't go away quickly... you will go through a roller coaster of emotions. i say stick with the counseling to help you stabilize things and figure out exactly what you want from the marriage/your wife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Take everyones advise with a grain of salt. People will react or give advise on the facts they know...people dont know how you feel inside your heart. People tend to always KNOW what to do but when it happens to them they are left crippled. You really have to dig into yourself and see how YOU want to handle it from here. Its very easy for me to post...leave the cheating B****...but in reality its not easy. All I ask is to listen to everyones advise but please know that they are all biased and dont know all the facts. I have never been in your situation. I am sorry you are. I have been married for 8 years and I would think I would leave. But to be honest, I have no idea. I think Ted nailed it. I doubt if anyone knows what they would do and NOBODY knows what you should do. The only other thing I would ask is if your kids are better off with you and wife together in a bad situation with no trust and dying love or if they would be better off in a split. I cant answer this either as my parents are still together and to the best of my knowledge, faithful. But maybe some others can offer some insight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiegie Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I wish I had advice to give to you, but I don't. Like the others suggested, it was a good idea to get a lawyer. It would likely also be good to stay in counseling no matter what you end up doing. (And for what it's worth, I probably wouldn't tell any of my friends or family what your wife did just in case you do decide that you want to stay married to her.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-Scorp Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 First of all I'm sorry you have to go through this. Something very similar happened to my best friend. My only suggestion is to at least look at marriage counseling, as you admitted that you may have been responsible for trouble with the marriage. No condoning her affair at all. You coming from a broken home gives you knowledge of what your kids may have to go through and if you can save the marriage you save them emotional issues. You may never be able to forgive your wife for what she did, but at one time you were in love and the relationship did work. Everyone changes/grows and it is how we deal with those changes that causes us to succeed or fail. Good luck with whatever you choose and make sure the kids know you love them and this is not about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piranha Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I can relate somewhat Brent. I have also been the victim of a cheating wife. Just over 10 years or so ago,with a bartender no less. Granted we were young, and weren't married very long, but we were high school sweethearts. I heard through a friend actually, basically because she couldn't keep her mouth shut about it. Finally when I confronted her, she denied, denied, denied... Until I just wore her down. For a while, she actually had me feeling bad for accusing her. We have a daughter together, so after some time we decided to try to make it work again, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't trust her, I was always worried every time she went out somewhere, and I was literally sick to my stomache most of the time. I had to leave her. So I did. We were (and still are ) very amicable and fair when it comes to my daughter, who is now almost 14. We split everything right down the middle, as far as finances for my daughter, and time with her. We switch every Friday. We each own our own homes, and live in the same town now which is good for her. It all seems to be working very well for her, she gets amazing grades and she is just overall a great, smart kid. I am now recently engaged to my true soul mate, someone (ironically) I never would have met if it wasn't for my ex. So I have to say in my case, us splitting up was the best thing for me. Bottom line is, you have to follow your heart and think about if you will ever be able to trust her again. If you guys run into some pitfalls in the marraige again, will she be looking for comfort again from whoever is willing to give it to her. Best of luck to you, and just know that it'll get easier as time passes, whatever you decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muck Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 A few things: 1) I've never been in this situation. 2) Find out who the most vindictive divorce attorneys are in your area (maybe, even look outside the county for some really heavy hitters if you have the money) and get them on retainers too, so she cannot use them. 3) Spend some time with counsellors. 4) See your pastor / rabbi / priest by yourself first, and then with your wife. 5) To save your marriage, you will have to be significantly more emotionally available. If you and your wife get a divorce, you'll probably have to be more emotionally available for any woman in the future that you'd want to have a relationship with, too. Therefore, it may be a good idea to try this with the woman you have now, rather than the woman you may have down the road ... 'cause you'll have to do this either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 just to clarify, im not saying get a lawyer to go for the divorce asap. you just want to protect yourself if it does go that route. working things out and staying together are the best thing you can do for your kids imo. plus asking a lawyer how to protect yourself if something happens down the road is good too. what if you get back together and 5y from now you finally realize its best to split. talking to a lawyer now can put you in a much better position for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hat Trick Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 This would be my worst nightmare. I don't really have any advice other than to trust your heart. I am sorry you are going through this and it has to just tear you up hour by hour, day by day. I know for myself having two kids it would be extremely tough to go either direction. I was raised in a broken home too so I know how you felt/feel about that angle. I would never have wanted to ever have to deal with this either as would any person. I really don't think I'd stay cause I wouldn;t ever be able to get over the fact that someone was with my wife and she betrayed me in the worst possible way. I wouldn;t be able to trust her for a very long time and that would lead to other problems. Reading on your situation it sounds like she does love you, but that just isn't enough, she has to respect you too, and she didn't for YEARS. Hug and kiss those kids everyday like there is no tomorrow! Good luck bro! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dutch Oven Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 2) Find out who the most vindictive divorce attorneys are in your area (maybe, even look outside the county for some really heavy hitters if you have the money) and get them on retainers too, so she cannot use them. This actually isn't bad advice, but you don't have to get them on retainer, just set up a consultation and then your wife cannot use them because it would be a conflict. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 ok, nothing excuses what she did. again ... nothing excuses what she did. but dude ... We fought daily over money. so I started filling my free time with other activities so I wouldnt have to fight every day. I played softball Sunday nights and coached my sons soccer on Tuesday and my daughters soccer on Thursday. I added 2 more nights of softball Friday and Monday, and started playing poker every saturday night, leaving only Wednessday as a night I had to come home before my wife was in bed, or close to bed on the soccer nights. what did you expect? you both need to be putting aside your own individual needs and be thinking about what is best for the kids at this point. you both screwed up ... you in how you treated your wife and she in how she responded. so now it's time to think less about you and all about your kids. it's obvious they are better off with both parents in their lives each day, but not if you two are not able to find a way to coexist that is not destructive to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am sorry for your situation. I am angry after reading your story. I have never been in this situation and have no advice except for this: DO NOT beat yourself up over being "50% responsible" for the problems in your marriage. That might be true and generally is. That makes your marriage just like almost every other marriage out there. There are all kinds of damage that can be done by men and women to their relationship with actions small and large. Having an affair is like no other single thing one spouse can do to another, because it goes directly to the heart of what two people sacrifice in order to build a married life together. The other person never, ever gets any % of a free pass for that regardless of who owns what % of the marital problem blame. Unless both people are cheating, but that does not seem to be the case. There's a bond of trust that covers mind, body, and spirit around the relationship a husband and wife have. That's emotional and sexual. The breaking of that trust is very hard to recover from. While this may be a question you do not want to answer, have you ever cheated? It might not lessen the pain now, but I think it matters in deciding how you want to go forward. Only you can decide if you want to forgive her, and only then can only you decide if you can and how you will manage. I am sorry you need to go through with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 (edited) ok, nothing excuses what she did. again ... nothing excuses what she did. but dude ... what did you expect? you both need to be putting aside your own individual needs and be thinking about what is best for the kids at this point. you both screwed up ... you in how you treated your wife and she in how she responded. so now it's time to think less about you and all about your kids. it's obvious they are better off with both parents in their lives each day, but not if you two are not able to find a way to coexist that is not destructive to them. This pretty much sums up how I feel. You both messed up. I'm not excusing her for what she did, but you pretty much voided her out of your life. Women need affection and to feel appreciated. As you said, this guy knew her situation and preyed on her. It sounds like she loves you and wants to work things out. I don't know....it's a difficult situation and I'm sure more confusing than I can imagine. Without it actually happening to me I can't say for sure what I'd do. But for the sake of your kids you need to try to work things out IMO. That is if you truly love her. ETA: I'm sorry for your situation and I hope everything works out for the best for you and your kids in the end. Edited July 31, 2008 by Sam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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