Sign in to follow this  
detlef

How to be a tool

Recommended Posts

1) The first time the waiter comes to your table, tell them that you want to talk to the owner or manager.

2) When said owner or manager comes over begin the following conversation:

 

"I wanted to ask you because waiters are typically full of chight."

"Well, you're lucky because <<enter waiter's name>> is actually one of our best waiters so you won't have to worry about that. But how can I help you?"

"Does your bartender know how to make a drink?"

"Absolutely"

"I mean, really. Does your bartender know how to make a drink?"

"Certainly. We take great pride in our entire drink program."

 

Now, while you've already outed yourself as a bit of a vinegar bag, you can still save some cred if you actually ask for some bad-ass cocktail... But you don't.

 

"OK then. I'll have an Absolut Martini, very, very dirty, and tell him to shake the hell out if."

 

So, in other words, you want to start with a brand of vodka that is recognized by basically anyone who knows spirits to be a complete Madison Ave brand that is all hype. Fine enough juice, of course, but certainly not worth calling. But that's cool, because once you've added a ton of olive juice, it's going to taste like seawater anyway, so I guess it doesn't much matter what brand you go with. Watered down seawater, mind you, because "shaking the hell out if it" is going to inundate the drink with tiny bits of ice. Which is fine in sweeter drinks, but generally frowned upon for martinis. Glad you made sure our bartender was up to snuff. :wacko:

 

Now, I'm in the business of serving you whatever drink you'd like. But be a big boy and just tell the nice waiter what you want and he or she will be happy to bring it to you. You don't need to make a big effing production, especially if you're basically asking the bartender to ruin your drink.

 

Oh, and after the bartender dumps a full ounce + of olive juice from the garnish station in your drink. Be sure to send it back because it's not dirty enough. I chight you not. By the time he re-made the drink, it was at least 1/3 olive juice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
But how much should he tip?

 

:wacko:

As soon as he sits down, he should put a bunch of singles out on the table & tell the server that this is his tip. Any mistakes & he'll start removing the singles.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
As soon as he sits down, he should put a bunch of singles out on the table & tell the server that this is his tip. Any mistakes & he'll start removing the singles.

 

I do that with my wife.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I do that with my wife.

 

 

yeah, she does like that. :tup:

 

 

:wacko:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that is beyond tool. he a nihilist, dude! (Lebowski) actually, maybe more like a narcissist

Edited by Scooby's Hubby

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
that is beyond tool. he a nihilist, dude! (Lebowski) actually, maybe more like a narcissist

How 'bout a dick. That would seem to cover it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a maroon. Funny thing though having been in the biz I would have said something to Mr. Duecewaffle if I was within earshot of him while I was dining. Make him eat his bluetooth or something for good measure.

Edited by Hugh B Tool

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
"OK then. I'll have an Absolut Martini, very, very dirty, and tell him to shake the hell out if."

 

You should have had your bartender strain the martini down his ass crack into the guys glass.

 

Then you take it to him and say: "Our bartender made this extra dirty, just like you like it, sir. "

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
What a maroon. Funny thing though having been in the biz I would have said something to Mr. Duecewaffle if I was within earshot of him while I was dining. Make him eat his bluetooth or something for good measure.

Yeah or what if you were out for a drink with some buddies and this guy is a friend of one of them who joins you.

 

"Dude, are you freaking serious?"

 

You should have had your bartender strain the martini down his ass crack into the guys glass.

 

Then you take it to him and say: "Our bartender made this extra dirty, just like you like it, sir. "

:wacko: That's bad, really bad. Dirty Martinez (though a Martinez is already a drink)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ever see that classic movie where the old lady is bichin at the young guy for a turkey sandwich, so he goes behind the counter and has intercourse with the carcus and tearin meat off it for her sammich and then the special sauce and he smiles over the counter at the old bat :wacko:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ever see that classic movie where the old lady is bichin at the young guy for a turkey sandwich, so he goes behind the counter and has intercourse with the carcus and tearin meat off it for her sammich and then the special sauce and he smiles over the counter at the old bat :wacko:

 

No, but Road Trip had the scene where Horatio Sanz as the cook rubbed the French Toast all over his genital/anal area after it was sent back......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ever see that classic movie where the old lady is bichin at the young guy for a turkey sandwich, so he goes behind the counter and has intercourse with the carcus and tearin meat off it for her sammich and then the special sauce and he smiles over the counter at the old bat :tup:

 

:wacko: not ringin any bells :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

at least you only had to deal with him for a few hours. think about what this tool's family has to go through daily.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
at least you only had to deal with him for a few hours. think about what this tool's family has to go through daily.

And then there's that. In fact, I wondered whether his date thought it was as cool as he did. I mean, good for her if she did, they're made for one another.

 

"Last night, John just laid down the law for the manager of the restaurant. God that made me hot."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
And then there's that. In fact, I wondered whether his date thought it was as cool as he did. I mean, good for her if she did, they're made for one another.

 

"Last night, John just laid down the law for the manager of the restaurant. God that made me hot."

 

 

holy crap! he pulled that on a date?!

 

 

 

"yeah babe. i'll go out with you, but you better be nicknamed hoover."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
holy crap! he pulled that on a date?!

 

 

 

"yeah babe. i'll go out with you, but you better be nicknamed hoover."

He was there with a woman. Could have been a "date" could have simply been dinner out with the wife, which, I suppose is also a date.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He was there with a woman. Could have been a "date" could have simply been dinner out with the wife, which, I suppose is also a date.

 

 

high magnitude dooosh.only person i associate with like that is wiegie, and only because he is a natural drink rest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
high magnitude dooosh.only person i associate with like that is wiegie, and only because he is a natural drink rest.

:wacko:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
:wacko:

 

 

see. and he has a little chip on his shoulder as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.