piratesownninjas Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 So my "friend" is getting a seperation which will more than likely end in a divorce. My "friend" has a year and a half old son, and is really the only thing I care about in this whole thing. Everything that's worth a damn that's mine was mine before the marrige. All of the cool crap that we bought was bought for her and I don't care anything about it... Just curious if anyone with knowledge or experiance with going through a divorce with a kid involved can point me in the right direction and what to expect from the whole thing. Any help would be appreciated at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fingfootball Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Im sorry to hear this too. One thing is if she tells you to move out, dont do it unless you want to. Moving out is kinda handing the keys to her. Far as the youngin' goes, I wouldnt settle for less than half the time with him. We do a week on and a week off. It works pretty good. I really didnt care about the material crap either. But I kinda caved when it came to dividing up our money, I was just so digusted at the time I wanted to get it over with. In hindsight I wish I would have thought about two or three moves ahead instead of just trying to get it done. Either way just remember that things always work out. Might not be the way you first invision it, but it always works itself out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 lawyer up. That's not to say things need to be contentious, but you'll want to make sure someone is looking out for your interests. You're the dude, which means you're already at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to custody and other kid-related stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpwallace49 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 lawyer up. That's not to say things need to be contentious, but you'll want to make sure someone is looking out for your interests. You're the dude, which means you're already at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to custody and other kid-related stuff. +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowboutthemCowboys Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 sorry PON. get the best lawyer you can find Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 lawyer up. That's not to say things need to be contentious, but you'll want to make sure someone is looking out for your interests. You're the dude, which means you're already at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to custody and other kid-related stuff. this. good luck to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bushwacked Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 lawyer up. That's not to say things need to be contentious, but you'll want to make sure someone is looking out for your interests. You're the dude, which means you're already at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to custody and other kid-related stuff. Another agree on this. Sorry to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Another agree on this. Sorry to hear. Yep, and PON's son is a year and a half old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tosberg34 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) So my "friend" is getting a seperation which will more than likely end in a divorce. My "friend" has a year and a half old son, and is really the only thing I care about in this whole thing. Everything that's worth a damn that's mine was mine before the marrige. All of the cool crap that we bought was bought for her and I don't care anything about it...Just curious if anyone with knowledge or experiance with going through a divorce with a kid involved can point me in the right direction and what to expect from the whole thing. Any help would be appreciated at this point. Sorry to hear this PON. I hope it works out as best as it can for you and your son, but I'd agree that you'll need to lawyer up. Edited June 29, 2011 by tosberg34 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Sad situation. Like others said...lawyer up the best you can afford. Everything will be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loaf Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 lawyer up. That's not to say things need to be contentious, but you'll want to make sure someone is looking out for your interests. You're the dude, which means you're already at a competitive disadvantage when it comes to custody and other kid-related stuff. yep. and good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Also wanted to add that the first couple years of being a parent is very stressful on the marriage. Don't know your circumstances but don't give up hope on the marriage working out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gopher Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Very sorry, PON. I don't have any experience (or advice) in this area, other than just be careful... What you say, what you do, and what you agree to can come back to haunt you. As tough as it is, sometimes, just make sure you don't do/say something you might regret. As the father of a 9-month-old, as much as I'd like to say I can imagine what you're going through, I really can't. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it. You'll be in my thoughts/prayers, and let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polksalet Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Once you decide to split it is a business arrangement and should be handled as such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cliaz Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 2 things that are strictly only my opinion and nothing more: 1. No matter how ugly and nasty it may get take the higher road and keep reminder her that a child is involved. I was three when my parents went through it and it scarred me emotionally for life. Make sure the both of you are in sync with this one and never, NEVER speak ill to the child about the other and vice versa. Now that sounds like pretty commonly known advice but you'd be surprised how easily body language and attitude transfer to a child in this type of situation. As horrible as it may be to swallow if the choices are her getting full custody verses a nasty, ugly divorce and both of you getting joint, take the higher road for the child's sake and work on it after the fact. A fathers first duty is to protect his children even at the expense of a father's own comfort. It is far better (in my opinion) for a child to grow up thinking that their father didn't want full custody of them then for them to grow up screwed up over an ugly divorce with both parents going back and forth over this and that. Again (and i stress this), nothing else matters right now than the child. Screw money, screw how much child support someone has to pay, screw it all. 2. Take a lesson from the Sopranos and call all of the divorce lawyers around you and make appointments. You don't necessary have to go to each initial meeting but if you call first there would be a conflict of interest when she calls and she'll have to go else where (at least it sounded right, not sure if this is true) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dutch Oven Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I do domestic work and custody issues are pretty static from state to state. Pm me if you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Talk to the lawyer BEFORE you move out. Moving out can show the court that the wife is the sole provider of care for your children. So live in the basement or get an agreement going where the kid spends a week with her and the next week with you at your apartment. But DO NOT move out and let her take care of the kid by herself for months and then go to court and try to sell that you split the parenting 50/50. Typically the lawyers will give you free advice over the phone so just find one or get a recommendation and then talk through your options before you agree to something that puts you at a further disadvantage. If you want advice on trying to make the marriage work, I'd head over to marriage builders dot com and read some of the articles and forums. GL man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piratesownninjas Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Talk to the lawyer BEFORE you move out. Moving out can show the court that the wife is the sole provider of care for your children. So live in the basement or get an agreement going where the kid spends a week with her and the next week with you at your apartment. But DO NOT move out and let her take care of the kid by herself for months and then go to court and try to sell that you split the parenting 50/50. Typically the lawyers will give you free advice over the phone so just find one or get a recommendation and then talk through your options before you agree to something that puts you at a further disadvantage. If you want advice on trying to make the marriage work, I'd head over to marriage builders dot com and read some of the articles and forums. GL man. She's gone to her parents for the time being and taken my son with her. I haven't seen him since Sunday. I'm trying to get her to let me have him for the fourth of July weekend, which I pulled a lot of strings to get out of work to spend a holiday with him. I work in booze sales, so holidays are really critical times for the business. She's staying with her parents for the forseeable future, as she quit her job when we married, and took on several "fun" jobs that were supposed to be emotionally rewarding or fulfilling or whatever, but financially gives her little. In the last three years shes had 5 jobs. I have to take care of everything financially. Does her temporarily moving in with her parents show that she's the sole provider, or hurt her cause? Does her inability to find a job and stick with it, along with being financially dependent on myself or her parents help or hurt her cause? I don't care about the money split as it's something that I could recover from regardless of the division of it. None of the "stuff" matters. Any "stuff" that I'd like to keep was mine prior to the marrige, so she can have all the stuff that was collected over the marrige. I just know that I can't get by with seeing my son every other weekend. If she would agree to 50/50 custody, or even 60/40 Id accept it. I just can't see him 4 days a month. And thanks to everyone with the posts of support. I'm not really talking about this to anyone in my everyday life outside of a friend and my parents. The support and well wishes really mean a lot to me. Thank you. Edited June 29, 2011 by piratesownninjas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 And thanks to everyone with the posts of support. I'm not really talking about this to anyone in my everyday life outside of a friend and my parents. The support and well wishes really mean a lot to me. Thank you. Thats the best part about this place sometimes. Its easier to speak freely to a bunch of anonymous knuckleheads than it is to your close friends sometimes. I dont have much to offer aside from my best wishes that this ends amicable and with a setllement that you can live with on all issues. Good luck brother. I remember in previous divorce thread Kevin L had some very insightful information. Hopefully he will check in. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddahj Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Thats the best part about this place sometimes. Its easier to speak freely to a bunch of anonymous knuckleheads than it is to your close friends sometimes. I dont have much to offer aside from my best wishes that this ends amicable and with a setllement that you can live with on all issues. Good luck brother. I remember in previous divorce thread Kevin L had some very insightful information. Hopefully he will check in. +1 well said Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 My experience sounds very, very similar to the road it sounds like you're going to be heading down - even the age of our kids at the time - a year and a half. In my case, fast forward about 17yrs. That child is now going to college in the fall and over time I learned that there were a lot of things I wish had been included in my divorce decree that at the time I didn't know to ask for. PM me if you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matt770 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 NEVER speak ill to the child about the other and vice versa. A big +1 on that one. To say my mom threw my dad under the bus would be an understatement. Now, granted, he didn't pay court-ordered child support and did move 900 miles away when I was in the 4th grade, giving up weekly visitation, but still. All I ever heard was what a loser he was, and that sticks in your head. Might have been better for me to come to that conclusion on my own, which I have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NAUgrad Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 She's gone to her parents for the time being and taken my son with her. I haven't seen him since Sunday. I'm trying to get her to let me have him for the fourth of July weekend, which I pulled a lot of strings to get out of work to spend a holiday with him. I work in booze sales, so holidays are really critical times for the business. She's staying with her parents for the forseeable future, as she quit her job when we married, and took on several "fun" jobs that were supposed to be emotionally rewarding or fulfilling or whatever, but financially gives her little. In the last three years shes had 5 jobs. I have to take care of everything financially. Does her temporarily moving in with her parents show that she's the sole provider, or hurt her cause? Does her inability to find a job and stick with it, along with being financially dependent on myself or her parents help or hurt her cause? I don't care about the money split as it's something that I could recover from regardless of the division of it. None of the "stuff" matters. Any "stuff" that I'd like to keep was mine prior to the marrige, so she can have all the stuff that was collected over the marrige. I just know that I can't get by with seeing my son every other weekend. If she would agree to 50/50 custody, or even 60/40 Id accept it. I just can't see him 4 days a month. And thanks to everyone with the posts of support. I'm not really talking about this to anyone in my everyday life outside of a friend and my parents. The support and well wishes really mean a lot to me. Thank you. I'm going through the same stuff right now. Be careful when you get a lawyer involved. I've seen so many screwed up visitation agreements it makes your head spin. If you can swing it try to do 50/50 as it's important for the child to see both parents, and also will decrease what you have to pay her each month in child support. Divorce and separation are different in many states, so start searching the internet on what your rights are. Things will get very emotional and can get extremely argumentative. Be the bigger man and walk away when you feel like you just can't communicate about finalizing the separation agreement. For the first 4 months of my separation we did nothing but yell at eachother. Everything is different now and we can talk and work through things. Don't give in to just whatever she wants because of things emotionally being difficult. Take some time and think through things. Now is the time to lean on friends and family. You will be okay, it's just hard right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 So sorry to hear this PON. Just remember the lawyer works FOR you. Lawyers tend to ratchet up the animosity while trying to get their client the "best deal." If it doesn't have to get that ugly..don't let it! With your son only being so young, you have some unique challenges in all this. I'd encourage you to maybe think outside the box a little if possible. It really doesn't do any good for the child if both parents have to work so much to keep separate residences that your son would be in daycare more than with a parent. So a 50/50, one week on, one week off wouldn't really work very well at this time in his life, IMO. Fight for the 50/50 joint custody...absolutely! But it sounds like in your line of business, Thursdays thru Saturdays are probably very busy. Since he's still a toddler and not in school, think about suggesting maybe Sunday nights through Weds. or something like that. I don't expect your wife will want to live with her parents indefinitely. So take a page from KevinL and plan for further down the road. What if in 3 or 4 years either of you gets a job offer in another state? Or a transfer? None of us know where life will take us in the next 16 years up front, but leave room for negotiations and some absolutes. You want to be a part of your son's life. That can't happen if a judge decrees she can move out of state and take your son with her. As unfair as I think it is, be prepared to get screwed in the courts, PON. Judges still tend to skimp on father's rights, especially with young children. Being the breadwinner, they'll try to make you pay alimony AND child support, even if they grant 50/50 joint custody. And especially because he's the age that he is, needing 24 hour supervision and not in school yet. It sucks. I never understood how 50/50 translates to 50/50+alimony+child support. Take the high ground....yes....just have a little foresight and don't let yourself get screwed either. She's moved into her parents' home for now...it's also important to keep a fairly good relationship with them. They can make your life hell, even if she doesn't. Realistically they are NEVER going to take your side over hers....but maybe there doesn't have to be sides. Always think of the child. Sounds like you do even now. This just sucks...I'm so sorry you are going through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 sorry to hear this, man. hang in there, and know there are folks here you can lean on. like sarge I agree with the advice to get a lawyer on your side asap, but whoever you bring on should be made perfectly aware that he is there so you don't overlook anything and to talk you through the ramifications of each possible step, not necessarily to begin putting the screws to her. maybe he even lurks in the background for a while. if the time to start putting the screws comes, it will be apparent and you will be prepared. I guess the old advice, hope for the best, prepare for the worst is applicable. cliaz' bit about putting the kid's interests above everything else is spot on -- that is the moral imperative that can be your beacon through all of this upheaval and uncertainty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.