nuke'em ttg Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 glad i don't have any advice, but i agree with Club, if ya need help with tacos lmk. Good-luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 First off - PON, I'm very sorry to hear about what's going on. I hope everything works out for you, especially regarding your son. Secondly, the 2 posts above by Club and nuke'em make me feel good being a huddler and show the character of this place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piratesownninjas Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Agreed. I have no idea what PON is going through, and sure he must have thought about all of this, but I love what my daughter has done for the Wench's and my marriage over the years. Its easy to pridefully walk away, but when you have something bigger to think about. It keeps the knee jerk reactions to a min and gives time to cool down and work through things. This is not to say that they haven't put the time in until this point, just an observation about my wee one's effect on my own marriage. I assure you that pride is not involved in this with me. I've put my life on hold for nearly a year. We discussed what the problems were in the marriage, and what we could each do to remedy it. I've done everything I can possibly do, but it wasn't good enough. It's to the point that all I get from her and her family is just nastyness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piratesownninjas Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Secondly, the 2 posts above by Club and nuke'em make me feel good being a huddler and show the character of this place. I appreciate all of the support from everyone. It does mean a lot to me. And yeah, the huddle is a good group of guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Without reading all the replies, this struck close to home for me as I went through a divorce with a son a year and a half old. He's now 19 so I do think I can offer some perspective. Probably the biggest advice I can give, and it can be hard to swallow, is to make your decisions based on what's best for your son and not necessarily what you think is either fair or best for you. For example you might want to fight for custody 182 days a year. Maybe you can make that work, but is that really what's best for your son or what you think is best for you? Another example is holidays. My decree said we alternate Christmases, but I knew my ex's family had a tradition of having a huge gathering Christmas Eve so I let her have him every Christmas Eve. That meant I never got to see him walk down the stairs to see what Santa brought Christmas morning but it also meant he got to stay involved in the tradition on his mom's side and that was more important to me. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I think I did a pretty damn good job dealing with it. My motto throughout the whole thing was "I'd rather lose the battles but win the war". The war to me was being an involved dad whose son knew he was loved by his dad. If it meant taking it on the chin from his mom over visitation, money, what have you, then I took it on the chin. That's not to say always - not a chance on that - but there are things that really are small - like visitation. I felt, so what? I missed a day of my visitation so he could do such and such on his mom's side. I felt it was more important for him to have experiences than to be with me because a divorce decree said he was supposed to be. I'm gonna be his dad his whole life. What's a day here and there. Just stay involved and make your decisions based on the child and not yourself. That's my advice. It's not easy, but now after having gone through it, it wasn't so hard either. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Way to man up, cunning runt. I gotta respect you for taking the high road. This shows great wisdom on your part: I felt it was more important for him to have experiences than to be with me because a divorce decree said he was supposed to be. I'm gonna be his dad his whole life. What's a day here and there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Way to man up, cunning runt. I gotta respect you for taking the high road. This shows great wisdom on your part: I gotta agree. Part of the reason I like CR (despite us disagreeing on several subjects) is because he reminds me of some of my good friends. He can be wrongheaded but he has some values and tries to do what's best. CHIPS AHOY! like that is solid and not a lot of people do that. And I disagree with PON all the time (ninjas would totally own pirates.. Just saying) but I hope you all the best man. I've had a glimpse at what that chit would look like and it's not easy for anybody. I hope things work out reasonably and you can make it work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matt770 Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 First off - PON, I'm very sorry to hear about what's going on. I hope everything works out for you, especially regarding your son. Secondly, the 2 posts above by Club and nuke'em make me feel good being a huddler and show the character of this place. +1 I don't have any money but I hope things work out dude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiegie Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 My parents divorced when I was 6. I have never had any doubt that my dad loved me, but because he took an attitude that was quite a but different than CR's, it caused me a lot of pain growing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gilthorp Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I'm sure you are in a profession that you are considered an expert. I'm also sure you aren't an expert divorce lawyer. My advice would be like the others here. You should allow yourself the comfort of talking with an expert in this subject. I have had many friends and family around me go though divorce, some in the past, some recently. At least in my state, the men get the royal screw job 100% of the time, and if for one second you wouldn't think your current wife wouldn't be looking to better her situation, you are wrong. You need to protect yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowboutthemCowboys Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I'm sure you are in a profession that you are considered an expert. I'm also sure you aren't an expert divorce lawyer. My advice would be like the others here. You should allow yourself the comfort of talking with an expert in this subject. I have had many friends and family around me go though divorce, some in the past, some recently. At least in my state, the men get the royal screw job 100% of the time, and if for one second you wouldn't think your current wife wouldn't be looking to better her situation, you are wrong. You need to protect yourself. I'm with Gil. Pay the lawyer...cover your ass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinL Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Make sure the parenting agreement puts some limits on how far away she can move. That is the biggest mistake I made several years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby's Hubby Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) I'm with Gil. Pay the lawyer...cover your ass PON, not to pry, but many of my friends have gone through divorce. It is in your best interest to have a lawyer. A judge will order her to stay in town and not move. You need your rights as a father to be protected. There is a whole slew of bad things she can do to you. There are so many "little things" that need to be resolved and I find it next to impossible for you to cover all your interests in writing, yourselves. Believe me, she may be playing "nice" now, but once the divorce is final things change. You must have all your rights protected in writing by attorneys/judge. You do not want to go through the "hell" part of a what she may try to pull. The part about her family getting "nasty" is what scares me. They will try to take the law into their own hands if you are not careful. Best of luck in your resolution, I hope this works out for you in a peaceful manner. Edited March 28, 2012 by Scooby's Hubby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 ...... A judge will order her to stay in town and not move..... This is true.....to a point. That language is typical in most divorce decrees, but you need to toughen it up as KevinL suggested. The language generally goes on to say, if not there specifically, then elsewhere in the decree, that the judge can modify terms of the agreement if its determined to be in the best interests of the child to do so. This almost happened to me. My wife was doing just fine financially locally, but was offered a promotion in NC - about 700 miles away. She wanted to take it, but I told her I'd fight her tooth and nail if she did. I didn't believe it was in my son's best interests to be removed from his dad's life. My lawyer said it would be hard to force her to stay here if she were presented this professional opportunity when she was the sole custodial parent and as such, if she wanted to push the issue, she'd probably win. I'm sure there is more stringent language that can be written in so long as it is mutually agreed upon - such as there must be explicit mutual consent for one party of the other to move more than "x" miles away. Thankfully she believed I would do exactly what I said I would and fight (and I would have) so she stayed local. Talk about a huge sigh of relief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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