keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 My sister called me this morning and was basically in tears on the phone. The issue is my 17 year old nephew(was diagnosed with ADD or ADDH or whatever many yrs ago and was on ridelin(sp?) not sure if he still takes it). Supposedly he is running with a "Bad" crowd. My sister and her husband had him drug tested(my cousin is an RN and did the test) and he came up positive for Josh Gordon, Cocaine and Opiates FWIW they live in southern NJ(bridgeton area) about an hour from Philly(he isnt going to philly(he cant pass his drivers test) and hanging out and buying drugs or anything like that...at least not that they know) but they say he is getting very aggressive and abusive(mainly words) but last nite they had to call the state police because the situation almost erupted physically my sister wants to send him to counselling but they say that because he is older then 15 he would have to consent and he wont... they looked at trying to send him to a rehab facility but were told he had to be 18 and the ones for minors would only take him if he had a record (yeah lets not offer help in advance) so I told my sister I would see what I could find out...she also asked if me and my wife could take him for a couple weeks to try and at least let the situation calm down a bit(we live around 350 miles south of my sister in VA)....Anna and I would gladly take him for a couple of weeks but I also dont know if that is the correct thing to do....if he were to spend a few weeks with us he would accompany me to work and he wouldnt be out doing whatever it is he wants to do(he wont have a car)... What if anything can we do or should we do? TIA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_bone65 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 That is a tough situation there Keg. It would probably be good for him to get away and stay with you guys, but then again he could go right back to the same crowd/activites as soon as he gets back home again. I will just offer my thoughts and prayers for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down Goes Frazia Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 unfortunately @ 17..... most boys feel they're indestructable. The Josh Gordon is one thing.... but the blow & the other are a whole different ball game. sometimes people need to bottom out before they can get help & get better. and there's NO WAY he'll progress in a treatment facility unless he wants to be there @ wants help. he needs a few days in jail to see where he's headed if he stays on the path he's on. there's nothing more sobering than standing before a judge & having him tell you the maximum sentence for your offense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 he needs a few days in jail to see where he's headed if he stays on the path he's on. there's nothing more sobering than standing before a judge & having him tell you the maximum sentence for your offense. unfortuately thats what the state police said last nite...they said this was his free pass the next time they will take him in(they did cuff him) the part that sucks is you want to try and help someone from going to jail or getting a record because that will haunt them for a long time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 You could contact a Juvenile Justice lawyer in New Jersey and ask him about any local programs like scared straight or teen boot camp, etc. That might sound extreme, but given the seriousness of your nephew's behavior (escalating to the point where the police were called) it sounds like he might need something to shock him into really deciding to change his life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down Goes Frazia Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Anna and I would gladly take him for a couple of weeks but I also dont know if that is the correct thing to do....if he were to spend a few weeks with us he would accompany me to work and he wouldnt be out doing whatever it is he wants to do(he wont have a car)... don't do it.... that's just a bail out for him & he will take advantage of you..... not to mention make your life miserable. they need to kick his ass out on the streets & tell him to get a j-o-b to support himself & his habit. giving him a roof while he's do'in this kinda stuff is only enabling him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Rough. I think it's a good idea to get him out of his situation, but are you really comfortable taking on a potetially physically abusive situation (if that's what she was afraid of)? Would he go with you? At 17, he might just say screw it, and take off either from his parents house or yours... That's a tough age to try to discipline at. The kid is so close to being able to run his own life that it may be too late to keep him from making his own bad decisions. I've seen it get ugly at that age before. This may be an incredibly bad idea... but if he needs a record to get help, the parents could do that. My wife is a counselor for troubled kids around that age (for the county), and she deals with kids occasionally who have had their parents turn them in. I'll get her opinion on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down Goes Frazia Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 the part that sucks is you want to try and help someone from going to jail or getting a record because that will haunt them for a long time life's a b*tch sometimes... plain & simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 You could contact a Juvenile Justice lawyer in New Jersey and ask him about any local programs like scared straight or teen boot camp, etc. That might sound extreme, but given the seriousness of your nephew's behavior (escalating to the point where the police were called) it sounds like he might need something to shock him into really deciding to change his life. i failed to mention that they dont offer a scared straight program anymore(the originial one that was on TV was from Rahway in NJ) and there arent any boot camps....they did find a boot camp in FLA but its $30K/yr and they can't afford that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clubfoothead Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 drug testing and calling in troopers on one's own kid when there is no voilent behavior? They should first decide if they want to treat him like a kid or adult. If they want to treat him like an adult then he needs to get the boot for not following their rule. If they want to treat him like a kid with the drug tests and stuff then they should expect him to throw temper tantrums and not call the cops when he does. I turned 18 in boot camp. Sounds like that's the best place for him to as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 while the nephew isn't constenting to treatment, i think it's a good idea for the parent to see a therapist- 1. to help them deal with him. 2. as consultation on what options they have. they might be able to sell it as "someone for you to talk to" vs. "someone you have to see." would be nice to get him in even if it's just for a provisional diagnosis. time away from his environment could be great for him. positive connections with constructive adults, work, and positive activities could help pull/push him in the right direction. 3 weeks is a little short to expect hugh changes though..... needs these on a consistant basis for a decent amount of time. other thoughts: what would he bring into your house? would he be using? what type of "friends" would be coming over? how will you guys react if he starts behaving that way with you two? my best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 Rough. I think it's a good idea to get him out of his situation, but are you really comfortable taking on a potetially physically abusive situation (if that's what she was afraid of)? They just want to get him out of the situation while they look into options to handle this...I know that he would not be abusive towards me, we have always had a good relationship Would he go with you? At 17, he might just say screw it, and take off either from his parents house or yours... That's a tough age to try to discipline at. The kid is so close to being able to run his own life that it may be too late to keep him from making his own bad decisions. I've seen it get ugly at that age before. This may be an incredibly bad idea... but if he needs a record to get help, the parents could do that. My wife is a counselor for troubled kids around that age (for the county), and she deals with kids occasionally who have had their parents turn them in. I'll get her opinion on this. thanks...and you can hit me up on AIM too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 while the nephew isn't constenting to treatment, i think it's a good idea for the parent to see a therapist- 1. to help them deal with him. 2. as consultation on what options they have. I will recommend this to them they might be able to sell it as "someone for you to talk to" vs. "someone you have to see." would be nice to get him in even if it's just for a provisional diagnosis. time away from his environment could be great for him. positive connections with constructive adults, work, and positive activities could help pull/push him in the right direction. 3 weeks is a little short to expect hugh changes though..... needs these on a consistant basis for a decent amount of time. he could easily spend the rest of the summer with us if that would help but again not so sure its the correct path other thoughts: what would he bring into your house? would he be using? what type of "friends" would be coming over? how will you guys react if he starts behaving that way with you two? he doesnt know anyone down here and there wouldnt be any friends to come over...he would be with me 100% of the time(remember I own my own biz)....as for what he would be bringing I cant answer that...i dont think he would be able to sneak anything in without me knowing....he isnt a junkie or anything like that...but rather partying hard recreationally with a bad crowd...he has never acted up with me or towards me and dont ever see him doing so but i guess anything is possible my best. thanks FWIW I might just let him read this thread too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 it is admirable that you would take him in to try and help, but given his history, i think he needs more professional help. don't put your family at risk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 drug testing and calling in troopers on one's own kid when there is no voilent behavior? They should first decide if they want to treat him like a kid or adult. If they want to treat him like an adult then he needs to get the boot for not following their rule. If they want to treat him like a kid with the drug tests and stuff then they should expect him to throw temper tantrums and not call the cops when he does. I turned 18 in boot camp. Sounds like that's the best place for him to as well. I beleive that they asked him if he was doing any drugs and he denied and they asked to test him(but I will confirm that with my sister) The escalation that almost turned to violence that precipitated the police being called was because he was told he couldnt go out that nite(again I think that is the story but will confirm) I know that my sister and brother in law are just really scared that something will happen to him and they only want the best for him...have they been perfect parents? I am sure they havent but they love him very much and just dont know how to handle the situation...but I know they truly just want to help him not fall into a horrible fate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 he doesn't need to be a junkie to find ways to get drugs and sneak them in (users- and young ones- are crafty like that). he might meet new "friends" in your neck of the woods... and he might gravitate towards like-others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunysteelfly76 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 They just want to get him out of the situation while they look into options to handle this...I know that he would not be abusive towards me, we have always had a good relationship Consider this: Right now his parents are the enemy. If you side with them you will also become the enemy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cliaz Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 1. Those bootcamps for teens. Though you ahve to pay, they are fantastic at straightening up kids. 2. Find a scared straight program with the county/state prison. Trust me, they will make sure he is scared straight. 3. A hope house. They are free and decent. 4. Remove him from that element. Get him on the medication. 5. Have an outsider talk to him - a lot of times it helps to have a non-family/involved member talk to him 6. Good old fashion a$$ whooping. If he wants to be treated like a man and thinks he has stones, whoop him like a man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 You could contact a Juvenile Justice lawyer in New Jersey and ask him about any local programs like scared straight or teen boot camp, etc. That might sound extreme, but given the seriousness of your nephew's behavior (escalating to the point where the police were called) it sounds like he might need something to shock him into really deciding to change his life. like club said... they may need to get hard on him..... without a record it will be nearly imposable to get him anyhelp without paying threw the nose.... is he in school still????? they may have some ideas.... if its like here in the midwest all the programs that made it threw the first 3 years of GW are packed to the gills with the the hard core kids.... no room for the starters or the line walkers.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down Goes Frazia Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 6. Good old fashion a$$ whooping. If he wants to be treated like a man and thinks he has stones, whoop him like a man. ...... then send him to the field to pick cotton. a father physically beating up his 17 year old drug addict son will get them nowhere.... except maybe the dad joining him in jail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I am not a counselor, nor do I play one on TV. I didn't even sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night. That being said, it sounds like there's more going on here than just your typical teenage acting out. Perhaps family counseling would be a good place to start. Taking the kid out of the environment won't solve a thing. It's too easy to find drugs any where you go. The fact that the tests show opiates means that he's headed down a real bad road already. Opiates are not social/party drugs. They are a "I'm trying to blot something out" type of drug. You have to get to the root of the problem (read: reason for wanting to do drugs to begin with) before you can even suggest a solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Misfit Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 drug testing and calling in troopers on one's own kid when there is no voilent behavior? They should first decide if they want to treat him like a kid or adult. If they want to treat him like an adult then he needs to get the boot for not following their rule. If they want to treat him like a kid with the drug tests and stuff then they should expect him to throw temper tantrums and not call the cops when he does. I turned 18 in boot camp. Sounds like that's the best place for him to as well. I'm completely unqualified to speak as a parent. But as a jagoff anti-authoritarian kid myself, and as one who's had these kids in one form or another in juvenile court, club's opinion strikes me as a pretty good take on things. I even like the military option. You can't give a kid a drug test and then do nothing -- that's just asking for trouble. You'd better be prepared to take away stuff, or liberties, or even turn him in. Obivously, don't know the history, but one interpretation of him being diagnosed with ADD as a child is that the parents have been willing to excuse bad behavior instead of correct it. The kid may just be taking advantage of that as much as he can. Don't know 'em, and I'm not one to blame parents for everything ... but sometimes, either a lack of discipline or meaningful attention is the root of this stuff. If that's the case, maybe taking him off their hands for a little while isn't such a bad idea. A respectful, non-judgmental relationship with an adult may be just what he could use right now. It's just hard -- don't judge him, because he's getting that now (what he probably sees as experimentation with life is what his parents have him labeled as being a "bad kid") but don't take any crap off him, either, which he's dishing out now. I don't see how juvy court could be much help. At 8-12, they can be great help. In Ohio, if he committed any meaningful crime, he'd be treated through the adult system at 17, anyway. Best of luck, whatever happens. There's never a "right" answer to these things. You just keep trying and hoping that something sticks before he does something really self-destructive. The hopeful and truthful answer, though, is that most of the time, the kid just grows out of it. Sometimes the worst thing you can do through this "experimentation" phase is overreact. Many people were drug-addled pricks as kids, myself included, and most of us turn out okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 i would tend to think that taking him in at your place is probably a good idea right now, as long as that's something YOU want. gets him away from that element, if nothing else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I'm completely unqualified to speak as a parent. But as a jagoff anti-authoritarian kid myself, and as one who's had these kids in one form or another in juvenile court, club's opinion strikes me as a pretty good take on things. I even like the military option. You can't give a kid a drug test and then do nothing -- that's just asking for trouble. You'd better be prepared to take away stuff, or liberties, or even turn him in. Obivously, don't know the history, but one interpretation of him being diagnosed with ADD as a child is that the parents have been willing to excuse bad behavior instead of correct it. The kid may just be taking advantage of that as much as he can. Don't know 'em, and I'm not one to blame parents for everything ... but sometimes, either a lack of discipline or meaningful attention is the root of this stuff. If that's the case, maybe taking him off their hands for a little while isn't such a bad idea. A respectful, non-judgmental relationship with an adult may be just what he could use right now. It's just hard -- don't judge him, because he's getting that now (what he probably sees as experimentation with life is what his parents have him labeled as being a "bad kid") but don't take any crap off him, either, which he's dishing out now. I don't see how juvy court could be much help. At 8-12, they can be great help. In Ohio, if he committed any meaningful crime, he'd be treated through the adult system at 17, anyway. Best of luck, whatever happens. There's never a "right" answer to these things. You just keep trying and hoping that something sticks before he does something really self-destructive. The hopeful and truthful answer, though, is that most of the time, the kid just grows out of it. Sometimes the worst thing you can do through this "experimentation" phase is overreact. Many people were drug-addled pricks as kids, myself included, and most of us turn out okay. I'm sorry did I laugh out loud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down Goes Frazia Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 i would tend to think that taking him in at your place is probably a good idea right now, as long as that's something YOU want. gets him away from that element, if nothing else. recipe for disaster, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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