dmarc117 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy oh poopy, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I Have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting oh poopy-faced from all the beer. _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or Other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. lady dog is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I oh poopy myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass wi! th a snow cone! _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like oh poopy to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ____________________________________________________ CHILI # 8 JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 An oldie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABearWithFurniture Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. First of all this can't possibly be true as Texas chili has NO beans in it...both these judges would be tarred and feathered, and then sent to live in Oklahoma or some other prison for such statements... Secondly there aren't any vegetarians in Texas either...at least none that will admit it in public. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 First of all this can't possibly be true as Texas chili has NO beans in it...both these judges would be tarred and feathered, and then sent to live in Oklahoma or some other prison for such statements... Secondly there aren't any vegetarians in Texas either...at least none that will admit it in public. what he said. and texas chili usually ain't all that hot either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I use pinto beans in my chili, and it is spicy enought to break a Mexican out in a sweat. Don't know if it is Texas chili or not, but it is made in Texas, the same way my mother and grand mother made it, and they were both native Texans as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABearWithFurniture Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Don't know if it is Texas chili or not... or not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 lowest form of whiteman is......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABearWithFurniture Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 lowest form of whiteman is......... Don't you have some young minds to traumatize?... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddy Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Oklahoma borders Texas. I think H8 has an Oklahoma chili recipe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Country Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 :cliaz: "I just made some spicy chili in the bathroom... get your big spoons ready" :cliaz: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Oklahoma borders Texas. I think H8 has an Oklahoma chili recipe. I knew someone would go down that road... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABearWithFurniture Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Oklahoma borders Texas. I think H8 has an Oklahoma chili recipe. "beans optional" takes on a whole new meaning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MojoMan Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Question: Is the heat of the gas escaping at the port proportional to the Scoville index of the ingested chili product? Edited September 20, 2006 by MojoMan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codwagon Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? Because the northern states really suck? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABearWithFurniture Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Because the northern states really suck? Northern 'state' = Oklahoma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Don't you have some young minds to traumatize?... u meen mould Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? because of all the really fat people weighing it down and holding it in place? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Northern 'state' = Oklahoma According to ABWF, it is in the northeast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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