DMD Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Some of these made me chuckle ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's oscar meyer. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery stick and then stuck a carrot up my ass!?" She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain. Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"! The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?" The Choirboy replies... "flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Definite mother-in-law joke) Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in five seconds or less." The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Charley had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," said the wife. "I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Charley, hit the ball, drag Charley . . . " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You Work in Corporate America If... - You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. - Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. - Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. - Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. - You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes. - When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. - You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. - You learn about your layoff on CNN. - Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. - You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. - Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. - You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. - It's dark when you drive to and from work. - Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. - Communication is something your group is having problems with. - You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor. - Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet. - Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home. - Art involves a white board. - You're already late on the assignment you just got. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunther Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 (edited) After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.." I liked this one the best... for some reason. Edited December 8, 2006 by Gunther Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nogohawk Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Good stuff ... what a way to start Friday morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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