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spain

My 4th of July Roadtrip to Chicago!

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We load the family up in the car every July 4th weekend and road trip it to visit my wife's family in her hometown of Chicago Illinois. You see, my wife is a Yankee. And although my 2 young children have lived everyday of their young lives south of the Mason Dixon Line, they are alas, half a dam Yankees. I know a mixed marriage like this violates the Old Testament prohibtion against being "unequally yolked", but I married her, funny ChiCAgo accent, and all. Lots of things that dont mix come to mind: The Montaques and the Capulets; The Hatfields and McCoys; Oil and water; Paris Hilton and underwear; Lindsay Lohan and a sober night at home; The Cincinnati Bengals and proper behavior; Bill Clinton and fidelity; George Bush and Nuclear Physics; Richard Simmons and cunnilingus; you get the point. Anyhow, we have been together a long time and despite our differences things have worked out well. We have a great family and a good life and every year we take our annual pilgramige to the north country to visit my wives kith and kin. Its certainly not my idea to go see those funny sounded bastages. But if I ever want to get laid again in life, I have to bite the bullet and load up the family truckster a la The Griswolds.

 

So, we get in the car and begin our drive from God's Country aka Nashville, Tn to the "Land of the Butcher from Springfield" aka Illinois. This one trip alone tells me everything I need to know about why the Yankees started the War of Northern Aggression. We start out our trip driving through the beautiful countryside of middle Tennessee and southwestern Kentucky. The terrain is a lush green forest covering rolling hills with the occasional lake and river thrown in. Mind you, we are in the midst of a 100 year drought that has us down about 10 inches or rain for the year. Thank you Mr. Peppermint or Al Gore or whichever one of you America haters is responsible. But the drive is still absolutely gorgeous! Unitl you cross the state line over into Illinois.

 

Illinois is 9000 miles of bad road running through never ending cornfields. Seriously, once you leave the greater Chicagoland area, you are in the middle of a cornfield. No trees. No hills. No mountains. No lakes. No scenary. Nothing but miles upon miles upon miles of corn. The land is flatter than a 3rd greater and about as interesting as a Meryl Strep flick. Interstate 57 is a series of potholes connected by a severely beaten path. A stage coach ride across the open west couldnt be any more jolting. And to add insult to injury, their is a speed trap about every other mile. Although the speed limit is a maddening 65, surpassing that speed under the circumstances is laughable! It is absolutely brutal to drive that deer trail masscarading as an interstate!

 

So, we get a late start after work on Tuesday. I wanted to get away by 3:00 but didnt get done at work and it was after 4:30 when we finally left the Motherland. Stopped to eat at some place in Paducah Kentucky. Then drove all the way to Champaigne-Urbana before stopping for the night. DVD players in cars are the best thing since boob jobs. The kids can watch movie after movie after movie. We only stopped a couple times. The Hampton Inn in Urbana is no great shakes but that is definitely a cool old little town. The people are very friendly, you would mistake them for southerners if they didnt talk so dam funny. Got up this morning and drove on in to the big metropolis of Naperville, Illinois. Went to a July 4th party all day and am drunker than Otis Taylor in the Mayberry Jail on Saturday night. More later!

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DVD players in cars are the best thing since boob jobs.

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

Have fun and what year does Seminoles get an invite?

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Interstate 57 is a series of potholes connected by a severely beaten path. A stage coach ride across the open west couldnt be any more jolting. And to add insult to injury, there is a speed trap about every other mile. Although the speed limit is a maddening 65, surpassing that speed under the circumstances is laughable! It is absolutely brutal to drive that deer trail masscarading as an interstate!

Couldn't agree more. I-90 is just as bad. You cross from Wisconsin into Illinois and the road goes from normal to a series of moon craters you need an ATV to get out of. On top of that, once you get within 30 miles of Chicago, there's f'n toll booths on the Interstate, charging you an arm and a leg for the honor and privilege of wrecking your car on the disintegrated pile of rubble they call a road. You have to pass through about six of these things before you get to Chicago. Who gave Illinois the right to charge for driving on a Federal road and why doesn't Illinois spend the money it thieves off you on fixing the damn thing?

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Couldn't agree more. I-90 is just as bad. You cross from Wisconsin into Illinois and the road goes from normal to a series of moon craters you need an ATV to get out of. On top of that, once you get within 30 miles of Chicago, there's f'n toll booths on the Interstate, charging you an arm and a leg for the honor and privilege of wrecking your car on the disintegrated pile of rubble they call a road. You have to pass through about six of these things before you get to Chicago. Who gave Illinois the right to charge for driving on a Federal road and why doesn't Illinois spend the money it thieves off you on fixing the damn thing?

I-90 is a tollway starting about 3 miles south of the Wisconsin state line.

 

Apparently Illinois had to decline federal money for these roads to make them toll. Toll money was to pay for the roadways themselves. But that was long ago and alot of the tolls are now revenue producers for the state and commsioners.

 

And IDOT has a hugh polirical problem with the design and upkeep of roads. It is thought that IDOT is missing a vowel.

 

BTW, the Chicago skyline toll bridge was recently sold from the City of Chicago to a private company is on a route that was supposed to be I-90, but was never approved as an interstate, so I-90 has an official gap where the bridge and western spur are.

Edited by Big John

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i woke up this morning and there was this god awful stench encompassing the city. smells like the south. :D

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Illinois is 9000 miles of bad road running through never ending cornfields. Seriously, once you leave the greater Chicagoland area, you are in the middle of a cornfield. No trees. No hills. No mountains. No lakes. No scenary. Nothing but miles upon miles upon miles of corn. The land is flatter than a 3rd greater and about as interesting as a Meryl Strep flick. Interstate 57 is a series of potholes connected by a severely beaten path. A stage coach ride across the open west couldnt be any more jolting. And to add insult to injury, their is a speed trap about every other mile. Although the speed limit is a maddening 65, surpassing that speed under the circumstances is laughable! It is absolutely brutal to drive that deer trail masscarading as an interstate!

 

and yet, their roads always seem to be "under construction". i put that in quotes, because you never actually see anyone working, you just see lots of tore up roads and orange obstacles and the like. and of course traffic jams :D

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On top of that, once you get within 30 miles of Chicago, there's f'n toll booths on the Interstate, charging you an arm and a leg for the honor and privilege of wrecking your car on the disintegrated pile of rubble they call a road. You have to pass through about six of these things before you get to Chicago. Who gave Illinois the right to charge for driving on a Federal road and why doesn't Illinois spend the money it thieves off you on fixing the damn thing?

 

kansas, of all godforsaken states, does this as well. maddening. it's one thing to charge a toll on a road that goes over a bridge that cost a lot of money to build, or a road in a hugh city like chicago where maybe you want to try and ease congestion in some areas (or you can at least make that argument). but slapping tolls on the only road that goes through the state, where their construction costs consist entirely of plowing a straight line through a friggin wheat field? plus, there are speed traps everywhere, and i know for a fact they will write you a ticket for going 7 mph over the limit. i truly hate that state. :D

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After sobbering up from the all day pool party we went to see the fireworks in downtown Naperville. Welcome to Pleasantville! This is white bread America right here. Peckerwood City. I have seen 1940's era Romantic Comedies with more diversity than the Naperville crowd last night. No wonder all these Yankees are for Affirmative Action. To them it means when someone with a Kraut ancestry gets passed over for a less qualified person with a Wop or Pollock ancestry! Actually, Naperville is similar in alot of respects to the town I live in, Franklin, Tn. This is really a great place to live and the people are very friendly

 

Took my kids to the fireworks show with almost disasterous results. My son, Coop, is 3 years old and doesnt quite understand the concept behind the 4th of July celebration. So, I explained to him its when we declared our independance from those dentally challenged people called the Redcoats. I thought he understood me until we get to this big open field where hundreds of people have gathered to watch the fireworks show. I gave Coop a couple of sparklers and lit them. He immediately took off running and launched himself into a bunch of people sitting on a blanket on the ground. We didnt know these people from Adam by the way. The sparklers are burning them, their blanket, and all their belongings as they scramble to get up and away from that maniac of a son of mine. He just kept screaming "Bonzi" at the top of his lungs as he tried to burn these people, who he later told me were "Redcoats", to death with his sparklers. I run over and grab that little ankle bitter and apologize profusely to a clearly shaken group of people. I bring him back over to our blanket where my wife and mother in law are appalled at this little future serial killer that we are raising. They are just standing their staring at me like its my fault. Now, I must admit that I throw a handsome pup! Coop is absolutely adorable with big brown eyes, dimples, and just an incredible affect on people. I aint sayin that because he is mine and looks and acts just like me, I am saying it because its true. Ive already told him that its not as easy being an incredibly handsome male in this world as people make it out to be. Anyway, to compound the tragedy, when I get back to the wife and mother in laws disapproving glares, I make the mistake of saying, "Well, he dont get that from my side of the family". Little did I know that one small comment like that can preclude any possiblitiy of getting your wick dipped for at least a week!

 

More later...

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would have been more fun if he he ran in there yelling "the south shall rise again."

 

 

 

:D .............. a little zoolander in the making?

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Now, I must admit that I throw a handsome pup! Coop is absolutely adorable with big brown eyes, dimples, and just an incredible affect on people.

Just out of interest, what does your cable guy look like?

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Just out of interest, what does your cable guy look like?

:D

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I took the whole family to the beach yesterday! 10 of us entered the water and all survived! Believe it or not, Naperville, Illnois has a beach. Well, its not so much a beach as it is an old rock quarry that the they slapped some concrete around and filled with sand and water. And using good old Yankee ingenuity, put a couple life guard shacks up and some dipping dots kiosks and charge folks $10 a piece to swim there! Dont get me wrong, it is a fun place and totally unexpected in downtown Naperville. But $10 sounded a little steep for me. So, I approached the cashier and said in my best "Deliverence" voice; "Do yall have a cheaper rate for a family of rednecks from Tennessee who are on welfare but have a gun collection that rivals that of the United States military, but with better accuracy rates on our shooting?" She was a little shaken and blurts out "I can let you in for $5 a person." I said "deal" as she took my money with trembling hands and an "Oh my Friggin God" look on her face! I guess she just isnt used to people being so friendly like us southerners are!

 

Illinois is a little behind the times, and that is saying something since its coming from a hick from Tennessee. So, for all you men up north let me quickly introduce you to a concept called very simply: "Back Waxing". Its not that painful and you can actually get that wool sweater you are wearing removed with a lazer. I dont know why the idea of "manscaping" hasnt reached the great white north yet but there are some hairy ass men up here. Seriously, you fellas need to invest in a razor and start trimming that rats nest growing on your backs. If your back is that hairy, I cant even imagine yall trying find your little dick-doo's with all that hair surrounding your junk! I guess since yall can only be outside 2 months a year due to the cold weather, you dont think about how nasty yall look mascarading as a Saquatach. But you do. And a little Jenny Craig action wouldnt hurt you either you fat f*cks! Jesus H Christ! There were plenty of Shamus swimming around yesterday. Fat, dumb, and hairy is no way to go through life men of Illinois. Think skinny and smooth instead of obese and furry.

 

We are taking the whole family to the Lincoln Park Zoo today. I seriously doubt the animals there will have as much body hair as what I saw from the men of Naperville yesterday but I will let you know. More later...

Edited by spain

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I took the whole family to the beach yesterday! 10 of us entered the water and all survived! Believe it or not, Naperville, Illnois has a beach. Well, its not so much a beach as it is an old rock quarry that the they slapped some concrete around and filled with sand and water. And using good old Yankee ingenuity, put a couple life guard shacks up and some dipping dots kiosks and charge folks $10 a piece to swim there! Dont get me wrong, it is a fun place and totally unexpected in downtown Naperville. But $10 sounded a little steep for me. So, I approached the cashier and said in my best "Deliverence" voice; "Do yall have a cheaper rate for a family of rednecks from Tennessee who are on welfare but have a gun collection that rivals that of the United States military, but with better accuracy rates on our shooting?" She was a little shaken and blurts out "I can let you in for $5 a person." I said "deal" as she took my money with trembling hands and an "Oh my Friggin God" look on her face! I guess she just isnt used to people being so friendly like us southerners are!

 

Illinois is a little behind the times, and that is saying something since its coming from a hick from Tennessee. So, for all you men up north let me quickly introduce you to a concept called very simply: "Back Waxing". Its not that painful and you can actually get that wool sweater you are wearing removed with a lazer. I dont know why the idea of "manscaping" hasnt reached the great white north yet but there are some hairy ass men up here. Seriously, you fellas need to invest in a razor and start trimming that rats nest growing on your backs. If your back is that hairy, I cant even imagine yall trying find your little dick-doo's with all that hair surrounding your junk! I guess since yall can only be outside 2 months a year due to the cold weather, you dont think about how nasty yall look mascarading as a Saquatach. But you do. And a little Jenny Craig action wouldnt hurt you either you fat f*cks! Jesus H Christ! There were plenty of Shamus swimming around yesterday. Fat, dumb, and hairy is no way to go through life men of Illinois. Think skinny and smooth instead of obese and furry.

 

We are taking the whole family to the Lincoln Park Zoo today. I seriously doubt the animals there will have as much body hair as what I saw from the men of Naperville yesterday but I will let you know. More later...

I should take offense to this, but some of it is true. At least it's not as bad as the last time I was in Tennessee and every person working at the Subway was missing at least 5 teeth. :D

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Let's see, Spain......

You shave your privates,

You shave your back,

You like to look at skinny men rather than fat men, but MEN nonetheless,

AND you wear pink......... :D .................Does the word closet mean anything to you? :D

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Let's see, Spain......

You shave your privates,

You shave your back,

You like to look at skinny men rather than fat men, but MEN nonetheless,

AND you wear pink......... :D .................Does the word closet mean anything to you? :tup:

 

And all this time we thought he preferred four legged mammals of the woolen variety :D

 

who knew?

 

 

 

 

:doh:

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