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Bad news and a major decision


whomper
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Hey Chris. You are really taking it onm the chin...I am so very sorry for your loss and for the situation you find yourself in.

 

To answer your question, I can do so from experience. My mother suffered a catastrophic heart attack back in 1997. She spent over 5 months in the hospital. Got last rites 13 times. She began to plul out of it and had just begun her rehab (also at the hospital), when my grandfather...her father...passed away.

 

We knew there was only one option, and that was to tell mom. her spirits were OK (she was not so much depressed as she was still pretty weak), but we also knew that she had to know what happened to her father. What we did was alert the hospital staff and her team of doctors and when we broke the news to her - including telling her that she could not go to the service in her condition, the doctors were literally right outside her door, ready to jump in if needed.

 

I will also say this...although they were not thrilled with the idea of us telling her, they were not opposed to it either and pretty much concurred that she had to know.

 

On the day of the funeral, my Dad stayed behind with her in the hospital. My brothers and I attended, then went to the hospital to be with mom. She handled it very, very well, as if she knew that by her getting upset and allowing it to negatively affect her, she would be hurting her family.

 

FYI...Mom made a miracle recovery and was with us for nearly four more years. She saw one of her sons get married and have a bay and another get engaged. She wound up passing away in 2001.

 

My point is this: you know your dad a lot better than I do Chris. But I never...never...thought my mom would have had the strength to handle it as well as she did. But she did. Maybe your dad will surprise you all also.

 

Good luck. and if you need anything, just call me.

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I really see no option other than telling him. He is a man and desrevers to be able to make as many decisions as possible regardless of his physical condition. I know I'm the resident hard anus in this place but if someone didn't tell me I'd jerk out an iv and stab them in the freakin eye.

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Whomp I'm so very sorry to hear about all this. My condolences.

 

Here's the only thing I can say about your situation. Regardless of what happens after, you'll always regret not telling your dad about his brother but I doubt anyone will regret having told him the truth. Yes there is the potential for something negative to come out of telling him however you can drive yourself crazy with the "what if" scenarios. The best course of action is to do the right thing and to deal with any consequences after they have occurred.

 

Which ever way your family decides, good luck.

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First of all Whomper, I'm very sorry for your loss and the tough decision you have to make. As for telling him I think you should. No matter what happens I think he deserves to know and if it were me in that situation I would rather him be mad at the doctors for not letting him go than to be hurt that his family didn't tell him.

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At some point, we end up parenting our parents. As a result, there will come a time where mom and dad don't need to know everything right away simply because the timing is not right. Now, that's not an excuse to keep secrets, but you are looking out for your parents total well being.

 

Therefore, I think your dad should definately be told about his brother. Does he need to know NOW? I don't know...

 

Tough decision. Good luck.

 

...and sorry for your families loss...

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At some point, we end up parenting our parents.

 

while that is very true to an extent, I think it's a very different relationship. it's not an easy balance to strike, but I think we have a fundamental responsibility to care for them without treating them like children. they deserve our concern and care, but just as importantly they also deserve our respect and their own dignity.

 

I've sorta had to view all this recently in my own life, with my grandmother. she's been in a gradual onset with alzheimers. her kids live in dallas, ft smith arkansas, and san antonio. she lived in shreveport. so first they had to move her out of her house into an assisted living type place in shreveport. but then that was getting difficult, they decided she needed to be closer to at least one of her kids, so they moved her to san antonio. it's a long story I don't want to get too deep into, but in general, I have to say I have some slight misgivings about how some of the decisions went down without her input or even knowledge. but at the same time I totally sympathize with the predicament of my dad and aunts, I can't really judge them for anything they've done. and it's not my place anyway. it's just tough, and has made me do a lot of soul-searching as far as how to handle these sorts of things. there aren't any easy answers. I guess I'll just be glad my folks and my wife's are all still in their 50s, so hopefully we still have a long time before we have to confront it head on.

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Not much to add but to say how sorry I am that you're going through tough times.

 

I'm with the clan: Your dad should be told, but man will it be tough for everyone.

 

Stay strong bro.

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Wow, sorry to hear what you and the family are going thru, Whomp. My sincerest condolences to you and yours.

 

I too am in the camp that you tell him now. There are too many reasons why withholding the news would be heartbreaking to him. As others have said, part of the grieving process is often being able to grieve with other people.

 

Any chance your uncle's family could delay the services several days...it may give your dad the needed extra time to be healthy enough to travel. I'm sure everyone involved would be understanding to such a request?

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What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing ? The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ?

 

 

Absolutely. His brother is one of his connections to this world, and I can see all the kinds of conflict going on, but the type of wound he may feel if this was held from him would be to great IMO.

 

It's easy to say as I am not in your situation, but is the perceived gains from not telling him worth having your dad live the rest of his life angry with everyone he loves and trusts over this situation?

 

EDIT: You are in the prayers as always. Strength from Faith. Sometimes it's all you can grasp onto.

Edited by Caveman_Nick
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What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing ? The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ?

 

If my brother died and no one told me, it would have a permanent negative impact on my relationship with everyone who kept the secret. The main reason for telling him is not to attend the viewing--the main reason for telling him is that it is his brother. Tell your father with the expectation that this is going to hurt him but you know he can handle it. People tend to live up to our expectations.

 

And truly, I'm sorry for this loss.

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. Regardless of what happens after, you'll always regret not telling your dad about his brother but I doubt anyone will regret having told him the truth.

 

 

I can not express to you all how appreciative I am for all of your opinions. As usual I got insight and clarity and viewed things from perspectives that I had not thought of before. So many things that were said hit home . The above quote drove the nail for me.

 

My mom spoke with the Doctors and the rehab pyschiatrist and they all agreed we should tell him. Me , my brother and my brother will tell him tonight. My older brother will probably be the one to tell him. I offered to do it but he said he wanted to. They said they could arrange an ambulet tomorrow if he wants to attend the viewing. Visiting hours end at 8:30 at his place but they said a male member of his family can sleep their tonight if we wanted to keep an eye on him. I am going to stay with him as long as he needs me there. My wife and kids are there now and he is having fun with my girls.

 

Please keep my dad in your thoughts and prayers and thanks again for being there for me.

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I can not express to you all how appreciative I am for all of your opinions. As usual I got insight and clarity and viewed things from perspectives that I had not thought of before. So many things that were said hit home . The above quote drove the nail for me.

 

My mom spoke with the Doctors and the rehab pyschiatrist and they all agreed we should tell him. Me , my brother and my brother will tell him tonight. My older brother will probably be the one to tell him. I offered to do it but he said he wanted to. They said they could arrange an ambulet tomorrow if he wants to attend the viewing. Visiting hours end at 8:30 at his place but they said a male member of his family can sleep their tonight if we wanted to keep an eye on him. I am going to stay with him as long as he needs me there. My wife and kids are there now and he is having fun with my girls.

 

Please keep my dad in your thoughts and prayers and thanks again for being there for me.

 

Good luck Chris, with everything. We're here for ya bro, and if you need anything, I'm 30 minutes away.

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I definitely wish you and your family well in this situation....this is a very tough decision to make and I understand the thinking that this could be just enough bad news to put him over the edge at a tough time like this...

 

but when he does recover, he will likely hold this grudge against you and/or anyone who has kept this from him...

you just have to tell him and hope for the best....you just have to realize that how these scenarios play out are out of your hands and you just have to play your position when times like these occur..

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It's pretty much all been said..you have to tell him.

When my Dad died, we didn't tell his mother, but her senility was severe and she lived in Cali.. Totally different circumstances.

My best to you and your family in these trying times. Stay strong, my friend, and help your Dad the best way you can, as I know you will.

May God Bless.

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