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Could use a joke or two today...


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When you're from the country you look at things a little differently..........


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.


'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.


'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'


'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'


'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? ' No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'


'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'


The boy considered that for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'




A cop shows up at the door of a family. What appears to be a ten year old opens the door smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. The cop asks if his folks are home?

The kid says, what do you think?

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Anyone hear that the guy who wrote the song "The Hokie Pokie" died?


They had trouble putting him in the coffin cause every time they put his right foot in... he put his right foot out.

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There was a terrible car wreck where a husband and his wife were killed. However, before the woman died she gave birth to twins, a girl and a boy. The nearest relative was the womans brother Joe and he was assigned the task of naming the children. However, he was a little slow and everyone was afraid he would botch the naming of the children. After much thought Joe named the girl "Denise." Amazed at the beautiful name everyone could not wait to here the boys name. After 2 days the decision was made. Joe named the boy, Da nephew. :D





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Three quarterbacks, Manning, Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question... God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says,"I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"



A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."



My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."



A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.

"He says you're gonna die."

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If you receive an email from the Department of Health

telling you not to eat canned pork

because ofswine flu............


Ignore it.


It's just Spam..





Two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.


(that'st the only blonde joke I know that isn't like1000 yrs old)

Edited by BeeR
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Two midget buddies, Bill and Bob decide to take a vacation In Vegas. They check into a hotel and get separate, adjoining rooms. After freshening up they go downstairs and start partying in the bar and casinos. They hook up with two normal size wimmens and head back to their respective rooms. Unfortunately Bill has partied a little to hard and it becomes apparent that he is flaccid and unable to perform. His date leaves and he remains lying on the bed unable to sleep. In his depression all he can hear is his buddy Bob next door apparently having a great time. All night long, all he hears is his buddy saying, in a loud voice is, ONE......TWO.......THREE......HOOYEAH , ONE.....TWO.....THREE......HOOYEAH. Over and over, all night long.


The next morning they meet for breakfast and describe their previous nights experience. Bill gave his :D sob story about being impotent while his buddy listened intently. Finally Bill is done and Bob is like :wacko: and says...Man, you think you had it bad. I spent all night just trying to get on the bed. :D

Edited by slambo
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Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

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When having to come up with a name for the new auto company (now know as Nissan but formerly as Datsun) the name committee was put under the gun. The president demanded the name be selected soon. The head of the committee asked :how soon do we have to have the name?" The president said "by 9:00 tomorrow morning." The committee head exclaimed, "Dat soon?"



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