Question for the parents/coaches out there

[geeteebee]

My second son, who is in first grade is playing flag football for the first time in a YMCA league. He is having a blast and is by far the worst kid on his team. He is six years old and is the yougest kid on the team since most parents in the school district hold their kids back. (They won't admit it, but I assume it is for sports later on as the kids don't appear to have behavioral or learning problems.) Carter is not real coordinated and hasn't shown a real interest in learning about the game. I can't get him to watch college or pro games with me. Defense is really hard with him because he's slow and very tentative about getting hurt. If he decides to stick with football, I could definitely see him as a lineman, but in flag football there are no linemen. Also, in this league, the coach plays quarterback.

 

So here's the deal. 6 kids play at a time and invariably we have 7-9 show up each game. Carter is always out to start the game and depending on when the coach remembers to sub, he'll go in for the second half of the first half (there are no quarters). He will also sit out part of the second half. I'd estimate he plays a little less than half the game. When he is in the game, the coach will have him hike the ball to him a couple of times and that is about it. The coach is very focused on winning each game and makes sure the 3-4 good athletes on the team get 90% of the touches, with some of those kids not coming out at all in many games. I could understand if this was a select league or older kids, but that's not the case here.

 

Jeez, I hate sounding like one of those whiny parents who think there kid is a star in the making, and if I do, I don't mean to. I just want my kid to continue to have fun. So I am wondering how I should handle this. Carter has started to ask me why he is always sitting out and I've given him all of the standard, "well the coach is focused on the team and doesn't always remember there are people sitting out" or "everybody has to take turns" but he is catching on to the fact that some kids don't sit out. I really don't want him to lose interest in the sport and I've seen poor coaches do that to kids.

 

There are only a couple of games left in the season and I'm not one to rock the boat, but I have thought maybe I should whack the coach upside the head and remind him these are 6-7 year olds who need to be learning values about team sports (after all that is what the YMCA is all about). My wife, who is not into sports at all, has started to get pissed because it happens game after game and she thinks I ought to talk with the coach. Most of the other teams we have played have had a system for subbing in players, like if you touch the ball, you get subbed for on the next play and I know for a fact our coach has seen that because he has commented on why that isn't a good system.

 

I've also thought of calling the Y and letting them know that this guy shouldn't be coaching in the future unless he has a little more training, but don't really like the thought of ratting him out. The coaches are all dads who volunteer their time so I hate the thought of telling somebody who has given a lot of time to something that they suck at it. It is easy to critique from the sidelines and I don't want to come across as an ungrateful tool who thinks he has all of the answers.

[Chief Dick]

I think something like this may be appropriate to say to the coach:

 

"I understand my son isn't the best player on the time and I understand why you sit him more than the other kids, but he's asking me at home why he doesn't get to play as much. Seeing as how they are 6 years old, he would appreciate getting the same playing time as the other kids. "

 

And if he's an ass about it, you have my permission to kick his ass.

[Skilly]

This is easy: at 6-7 years old, every kid should play the same amount of time, period. If the coach isn't doing this then he shouldn't be coaching. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that it's not an established rule. It might be, and the coach may be ignoring it.

[westvirginia]

That's a toughie. First, it obviously matters to your son or he wouldn't have mentioned it. How mature is the boy? Can he handle something along the lines of "If you want to play more you need to get better"? And if it matters to him you can help him get better. I know it's just fun at the Y and all, but that's obviously what it boils down to, at least with this coach. I know it's awful to watch any injustice happen to your kids, but life just isn't fair sometimes. I also wouldn't worry about "ratting the coach out". It's not like you're sending the law to his house because he wants to smoke a doob on Saturday nights after the kids are in bed. I'd talk to the powers that be, if for no other reason than to get some clarification on the goals for the teams/coaches. You don't want to sour your kid on football, but at the same time, if football isn't that important to him then how far do you want to take this?

[westvirginia]

I think something like this may be appropriate to say to the coach:

 

"I understand my son isn't the best player on the time and I understand why you sit him more than the other kids, but he's asking me at home why he doesn't get to play as much. Seeing as how they are 6 years old, he would appreciate getting the same playing time as the other kids. "

 

And if he's an ass about it, you have my permission to kick his ass.

 

 

This is easy: at 6-7 years old, every kid should play the same amount of time, period. If the coach isn't doing this then he shouldn't be coaching. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that it's not an established rule. It might be, and the coach may be ignoring it.

 

These are both good answers. Chief Dick is wise.

[The Mucca]

Most youth leagues have playing time requirements, might want to check with the Y and there rules.

[Bier Meister]

as a wwj(julio)d, this belongs in another forum.

 

 

 

 

 

read through this later... my best

[millerx]

I think something like this may be appropriate to say to the coach:

 

"I understand my son isn't the best player on the time and I understand why you sit him more than the other kids, but he's asking me at home why he doesn't get to play as much. Seeing as how they are 6 years old, he would appreciate getting the same playing time as the other kids. "

 

And if he's an ass about it, you have my permission to kick his ass.

This IS the best way to handle it. And I'm guessing this might be the reality check the coach needs to see the error of his ways. If not, you have my permission to kick his ass also.

[Cunning Runt]

Tough one. I happen to have just got done coaching in a Y flag football league. 3rd and 4th grade for me.

 

I told the kids from outset that I want them to have fun, but I most definitely want to win. And ya - some of the kids played a little less than others (not a lot less, but a little) and absolutely the best kids got the ball 80-90 percent of the time. Just the way it is. The kids had a great time - especially when we won the league championship in a nail biter.

 

Granted your kid is a little younger, so not quite the same.

 

If someone would have called me out on it, I would have suggested that they take the time to coach next time instead of being the one who had to call everyone each week, coordinate practices, figure out who could do what, put them in the proper places, teach them, etc...

 

It ain't easy coaching 'cause feelings do get hurt sometimes, but in the end, my goal was to find the balance in keeping everyone involved but winning at the same time. I believe that team success is more meaningful to kids, at that age anyway, than what specific role they may have played.

 

Again though, at your boy's age it's a different story. My 5yr old also played this year and your boy sounds a lot like mine. Sat out a lot. I could care less. He's gotta pay his dues is the way I look at it and if he's unable to contribute in a positive manner, I think it's too much to ask of a coach (keep in mind it's just a volunteer parent, not a paid coach), to really worry about your kid or someone else's for that matter. He's by nature going to want the kids on the field that are paying attention and able to do what little he asks of the kids. Mine didn't have the attention span. I didn't blame the guy a bit for having my boy on the sidelines a majority of the time.

[twiley]

This is easy: at 6-7 years old, every kid should play the same amount of time, period. If the coach isn't doing this then he shouldn't be coaching. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that it's not an established rule. It might be, and the coach may be ignoring it.

Exactly what I was thinking, the coach needs to go - it's the Y for pete's sake not some select team.

[yo mama]

I don't know that there is a right answer here, barring rules about how much playing time each kid is supposed to get. I'd certainly talk to the coach, but it may ultimately be his call. Are you really going to beat up a volunteer coach for (mostly) playing his best players? If your kid was getting zero playing time, that'd be one thing. But this ain't that.

[CaptainHook]

If someone would have called me out on it, I would have suggested that they take the time to coach next time instead of being the one who had to call everyone each week, coordinate practices, figure out who could do what, put them in the proper places, teach them, etc...

 

It ain't easy coaching 'cause feelings do get hurt sometimes, but in the end, my goal was to find the balance in keeping everyone involved but winning at the same time. I believe that team success is more meaningful to kids, at that age anyway, than what specific role they may have played.

ding ding ding

 

I also coach youth football. assistant coach on a first-second grade team last year, coach on a first-second grade team this year. It is incredibly difficult to teach, manage playing time, manage parents, arrange schedules, etc.

 

With only two games to go, I'd let it slide. If the kid is playing half the game, that's not bad. That is the rule in our league. Of course, ours is tackle football, and you have kids playing all positions. It is very difficult handling a child that is struggling with the game. The coach may have real feedback on why he doesn't play as much, and what you can do to help. Sometimes parents don't see what the coach sees in practice. For example, I had kids on the team that would routinely talk back, not follow instructions, or not pay attention. They played less.

 

And I cannot stress enough, volunteer to be a coach next year. It'll completely change your perspective.

 

If you can't do that, work with your son in the back yard on off days. You'll be surprised how much that can help.

[millerx]

At ages 5-7 it isn't about the winning... it's about learning the game and appreciating it. I'm a coach of 6-7 year old kids in soccer, and the goal of any coach at that age (in any sport) should be to make it as much fun as possible so that they want to come back to it the next season. For god sakes, they barely know the rules of game at that age. I, for one, would feel awful if I turned a kid off to a sport at that age because I'm too wrapped up in making sure we go undefeated. As they get older and progress, then, you can break their spirit by benching their worthless asses. Competition in sports is great! ...but they have to understand what the competition is first.

Edited November 5, 2009 by millerx

[Ziachild007]

ding ding ding

 

I also coach youth football. assistant coach on a first-second grade team last year, coach on a first-second grade team this year. It is incredibly difficult to teach, manage playing time, manage parents, arrange schedules, etc.

 

With only two games to go, I'd let it slide. If the kid is playing half the game, that's not bad. That is the rule in our league. Of course, ours is tackle football, and you have kids playing all positions. It is very difficult handling a child that is struggling with the game. The coach may have real feedback on why he doesn't play as much, and what you can do to help. Sometimes parents don't see what the coach sees in practice. For example, I had kids on the team that would routinely talk back, not follow instructions, or not pay attention. They played less.

 

And I cannot stress enough, volunteer to be a coach next year. It'll completely change your perspective.

 

If you can't do that, work with your son in the back yard on off days. You'll be surprised how much that can help.

 

Couldn't have said it better.

[BeeR]

This is easy: at 6-7 years old, every kid should play the same amount of time, period. If the coach isn't doing this then he shouldn't be coaching. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that it's not an established rule. It might be, and the coach may be ignoring it.

Disagree. I think the answer lies somewhere between what you're saying and the "stars" playing almost the entire time. ie the best players should get more playing time, but not to an extreme degree, and every kid should play and I don't mean just a few snaps. Sure it's important to have fun and get playing time, but it's not too early for them to learn that when you're playing a game, winning DOES matter to an extent also (in fact don't think they don't already know that), and the better you are at something in an organized sport, the more playing time you're likely to get (unless you've got a poor attitude, and I'd sure like to see kids get taught that lesson early too). PS yes I have coached little lg football and it was the "Mites" (6-8 yrs old roughly).

Edited November 4, 2009 by BeeR

[geeteebee]

Thanks for all of the replies, gents. I find the differing opinions very interesting and one reason why I haven't said anything as of yet-I know there is more than one side to this. I still haven't decided what, if anything, I'll do, but the comments have helped me understand his thinking. And to those guys who are/have coached I know it can be a pain in the arse, which is the primary reason I haven't said anything.

 

On another separate, but realted topic, does anyone have any experience with Upward sports? I am trying Upward basketball with another one of my boys and have been told it is the best program for kids who are trying out a sport for the first time. He's really looking forward to it.

[dmarc117]

6-7yo need to just have fun. that coach is a monster truck aficionado. winning becomes important later on.

[i_am_the_swammi]

At age 6-7, while we may indeed try to teach kids that 'winning isn't important", they do indeed understand that they are trying to win. They watch sports on TV, play board games, contests at school, games in gym class, etc. And sadly, they know for sure which kids are helping their cause, and which kids aren't. And I am sure your coach realizes this, too.

 

Ask yourself this: which would you rather counsel your son on? Not getting enough playing time, or being teased by the other players that he is the one that cost them the game? Kids can be rough when they know which of their peers cost them a win.

 

Sounds harsh, and its not fair, but its reality.

 

ETA: sp fix

Edited November 4, 2009 by i_am_the_swammi

[The Holy Roller]

Having been on both sides of the situation my take is this: kids your son's age need to have fun. Any coach putting winning above participation is grossly missing the point at this age. The suggestion about being a coach is also a great one. Think about doing that for your son next year.

[matt770]

I have a thought about this and a related question, as someone who does not have kids.

 

What if he told the kid that the coach is supposed to give everyone the same amount of playing time, but he's not doing it because he's a bad coach, and in life you have to deal with bad teachers and bosses, and that's just how life works? Your challenge in life is to navigate these negative situations, turn them to your advantage when you can, or just learn to survive with a smile when you can't. So, show this coach that you're still going to try your best and have a great time when you are in there.

 

Too much for a 6-year-old to take in? And a danger that the kid will blab that daddy said he's a bad coach?

 

I don't disagree with talking to the coach directly, except that many times in life this isn't an option. Maybe teach the kid now that life isn't always fair, isn't meant to be fair, and great people excel despite the fact that it's not fair.

[KevinL]

On another separate, but realted topic, does anyone have any experience with Upward sports? I am trying Upward basketball with another one of my boys and have been told it is the best program for kids who are trying out a sport for the first time. He's really looking forward to it.

 

I've heard only great things about upwards basketball around here.

[Savage Beatings]

Next time you see him, walk up with your hand extended like you are gonna shake his hand. He will instinctively put out his hand to meet you. But just before you grab his hand pull back and kick him square in the nuts. While he is squirming in pain on the ground tell him to play your son more. Then shout out loud for everyone to hear, "It's ok son, he's going to give you more playing time now." You have the option to kick him one more time before walking away.

[isleseeya]

i coach soccer for my son and softball for my daughter

 

and i believe you haev all the right in the world to go to the coach and discuss with him...Chief Dick originak post and wording was perfect

 

I do not understand how this can be viewed as difficult when you consider these are 6-7 year olds ... it should be all about trying to give kids equal or close to equal playing time ..

 

later when kids are older and or we are talking about competitive sports , i can understand a different set of opinions on this but for 6 year olds i dont see it that way

[i_am_the_swammi]

later when kids are older and or we are talking about competitive sports , i can understand a different set of opinions on this but for 6 year olds i dont see it that way

 

So when the not-so-good-kid messes up a play, and the other team scores a goal, and his teammates shoot him dirty looks or worse, and this kid now doesn't want to play.....what should gee tell his son?

 

I think, even at this age, its easier to explain to his son that sometimes, the people who are better at things get perks/more playing time. Solid lesson for life...the better performers get more pay/more leeway, etc. If the conversation is presented the right way, it could positively prompt the boy to want to find out what he is good at (music, karate, whatever) and strive to excel at it.

 

Much easier conversation to have than trying to console a kid who now knows he is not very good and his friends/teammates have made fun of him.

[westvirginia]

So when the not-so-good-kid messes up a play, and the other team scores a goal, and his teammates shoot him dirty looks or worse, and this kid now doesn't want to play.....what should gee tell his son?

 

I think, even at this age, its easier to explain to his son that sometimes, the people who are better at things get perks/more playing time. Solid lesson for life...the better performers get more pay/more leeway, etc. If the conversation is presented the right way, it could positively prompt the boy to want to find out what he is good at (music, karate, whatever) and strive to excel at it.

 

Much easier conversation to have than trying to console a kid who now knows he is not very good and his friends/teammates have made fun of him.

 

OMG, Swammi is right. That's why I think it's a toughie. Never too early to teach your kid "You want more playing time, if it's worth it to you, then get better." Achievement is still (mostly) rewarded in this country whether that's physical or mental, and that's a lesson kids should learn sooner rather than later. Along with the lesson of "dealing" with the fact that you won't be the best at everything, and that's OK.