What the hell do I do?

[cdrudge]

The first thing you need to do is remove your son from this equation. It sounds like your son is being used as the reason for the differences between you and your wife, and he doesn't deserve that. Remove your son from this situation and then think about how you would deal with this situation. Don't make your son a pawn in the differences between you and your wife. Your son deserves to be loved as a human being and for what he truly is, and not to be treated as the prize in this war with your wife! Your son should not be any part of this situation!

That's much easier said then done. If a child wasn't involved, divorce and/or completely severing ties is easy (excluding the possibility of alimony). Cyclones at least would have the opportunity to move on if he so chooses.

 

However with a child one side can use that as leverage against the other side. With what we've been told, there doesn't seem to be reason why shared custody wouldn't happen. This would mean that they would have to live in the relative vicinity of each other as well as be in frequent contact. Frequent contact or shared custody just invites all sorts of possibilities of continued harassment, even turning the child against him.

 

I don't see how you can just remove his son from his equation...he's an integral part of both sides of the equation unfortunately. He doesn't deserve a lot of the negative things that may happen, but unfortunately he will be.

[The Irish Doggy]

Get a good divorce attorney. Now. I could not be more serious. Your wife is threatening a move away. She is threatening to keep your son from you. You are too close to the situation and you don't see how serious this is. Get a good divorce attorney. Now.

 

Could not agree more.

 

You've tried to work things out. She's not having it. You need someone with experience in these things on your side.

[Chief Dick]

1. Get a divorce lawyer.

2. Follow his advice.

3. Do NOT talk to her church elders. What you say to them could be incriminating, and they are now witnesses and could be used against you.

4. Not sure how old your son is, but if he's old enough to understand, say to him: "Son, I love you. Your mom and I are having some problems, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, or what she says about me, I love you more than you will ever know, and that I will NEVER abandon you."

5. Document everything.

6. Do not try to fight or reason with her. Swallow your pride and natural reaction to lash back. Now is not the time.

7. Explain to your boss immediately what is going on. You need to head off any issues at work BEFORE they happen.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Chief Dick

[TimC]

You need to go to court and get everything in writing instead of this verbal agreement BS. My SO and her ex went years with verbal agreements and they are nothing but trouble (unless you are the .000001% that have a nice tidy break-up, but you aren't). Once we got everything in writing from a court order, all the BS stopped in our case. They make it as ironclad as possible.

 

Get the best lawyer you can. A cheap lawyer will cost you a million times more money in the long run.

Edited December 2, 2009 by TimC

[Kid Cid]

1. Get a divorce lawyer.

2. Follow his advice.

3. Do NOT talk to her church elders. What you say to them could be incriminating, and they are now witnesses and could be used against you.

4. Not sure how old your son is, but if he's old enough to understand, say to him: "Son, I love you. Your mom and I are having some problems, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, or what she says about me, I love you more than you will ever know, and that I will NEVER abandon you."

5. Document everything.

6. Do not try to fight or reason with her. Swallow your pride and natural reaction to lash back. Now is not the time.

7. Explain to your boss immediately what is going on. You need to head off any issues at work BEFORE they happen.

This pretty much encapsulates all the good advice you've been given in this thread. All I can say is that you're priorities need to be 1) Not letting this woman ruin your life and 2) not letting her ruin your son's life, in that order. You cannot protect your son if your life is in shambles because of her.

 

This is obviously really hard because you still recongnize those good qualities that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Unfortunately, it seems if those qualities have been completely swamped by this overwhelming compulsion to get you back into her church.

[TimC]

Or you could just go back to Church and fake the whole Church thing like most Americans do.

[Scorcher]

[quote name='Chief Dick' date='12/2/09 2:46pm' post='3035779

 

4. Not sure how old your son is, but if he's old enough to understand, say to him: "Son, I love you. Your mom and I are having some problems, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, or what she says about me, I love you more than you will ever know, and that I will NEVER abandon you."

 

6. Do not try to fight or reason with her. Swallow your pride and natural reaction to lash back. Now is not the time.

7. Explain to your boss immediately what is going on. You need to head off any issues at work BEFORE they happen.

 

 

 

Much better stated than I did.

[Square]

This is where you start. You need arrangements for custody, visitation, & support. Anything you give her now may or may not be considered a gift. You will owe her alimony / spousal support for a # of months/years, and this clock hasn't started until the courts are made aware. And get it in writing that neither of you can move out of the county (or whatever area range you agree on) without giving up custody to the other.

This.

 

It doesn't sound like you want anything to do with this woman other than to have things settled with custody & support. I think most states allow you to have some kind of agreement where neither of you can move a certain distance. Every day you are not talking to an attorney about your options, you are adding to the problem. This current situation cannot sustain itself and some legal advice/action should provide you with some light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck bro, take it one day at a time.

 

BTW, I've got some good books/websites if you do try to recover with your wife (she sounds crazy to me so I'm not recommending anything... you just never know). My situation worked out differently than yours but people are people and you'd be surprised how common relationship problems are. Drop me a PM if you guys get this custody arrangement worked out and later on decide that you'd like to give it another shot.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Square

[darin3]

There's some great advice posted here already so all I can do is send my prayers. You may want to end this peacefully, but it doesn't sound like she will allow that. Get a good lawyer & talk to the church elders as has been suggested.

Agree...

[Thews40]

Or you could just go back to Church and fake the whole Church thing like most Americans do.

 

Most who have never been involved in Mormonism don't understand its grip in situations like this. Look up "New Order Mormon" and you'll find there are many that take this path of faking it ...it would drive me insane.

 

I have some friends, but my entire family still lives up in Northern Ontario and I'm here in Kentucky. Its been a really tough thing. A few months ago I met a woman who was going through a divorce too, but my wife found out about her and harassed her too to the point where she won't talk to me anymore because of it. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Most nights I sit at home by myself and just work or watch TV. I just want it all to be over.

 

I don't know how old you are Cyclones but I found myself in a pit of despair at 30. What you're dealing with comes with a load of guilt and the threat of Satan taking control over you for choosing to believe what you want to believe. After finding out that booze could make me sleep, I also realized it was a fake out and wasn't helping. Since I couldn't sleep, I worked out every day to the point of exhaustion, usually for 2 hours. I'd tape "An evening at the Improv" and watch them on the couch while I fell asleep, and while it was usually for only a few hours I would laugh which really did help. After 6 months of hiding in my shell and not missing one day working out, I snapped out of the funk and was in the best shape of my life. I guess the moral of the story is to know the storm and eventually it will pass. The actions of your wife cannot be explained by me or anyone else, as vengeance blaming you for choosing what you want isn't a breach of trust issue in a marriage... but it is to her. I know a lot about this and have spoken to many in your shoes, but the little things that change brings will help get you through it. Life sucks sometimes, so find positive things no matter how small they are.

[dmarc117]

Most who have never been involved in Mormonism don't understand its grip in situations like this. Look up "New Order Mormon" and you'll find there are many that take this path of faking it ...it would drive me insane.

 

 

 

I don't know how old you are Cyclones but I found myself in a pit of despair at 30. What you're dealing with comes with a load of guilt and the threat of Satan taking control over you for choosing to believe what you want to believe. After finding out that booze could make me sleep, I also realized it was a fake out and wasn't helping. Since I couldn't sleep, I worked out every day to the point of exhaustion, usually for 2 hours. I'd tape "An evening at the Improv" and watch them on the couch while I fell asleep, and while it was usually for only a few hours I would laugh which really did help. After 6 months of hiding in my shell and not missing one day working out, I snapped out of the funk and was in the best shape of my life. I guess the moral of the story is to know the storm and eventually it will pass. The actions of your wife cannot be explained by me or anyone else, as vengeance blaming you for choosing what you want isn't a breach of trust issue in a marriage... but it is to her. I know a lot about this and have spoken to many in your shoes, but the little things that change brings will help get you through it. Life sucks sometimes, so find positive things no matter how small they are.

 

 

thews?

 

http://www.onewaysystem.com/images/olimpia...orian_yates.jpg

[Thews40]

thews?

 

http://www.onewaysystem.com/images/olimpia...orian_yates.jpg

Not so much ...I went through this over 15 years ago.

[rocknrobn26]

There's some great advice posted here already so all I can do is send my prayers. You may want to end this peacefully, but it doesn't sound like she will allow that. Get a good lawyer & talk to the church elders as has been suggested.

 

+1

Get a lawyer and stay away from the elders, unless the lawyer suggs that, which I doubt.

[TimC]

But are your other 8 wives okay with it?

[CaP'N GRuNGe]

But are your other 8 wives okay with it?

 

OK, that was pretty darn funny.

[Double Agent]

Ask Jesus...

All she does is text you a lot? Get a grip man. If shes crazy, take your kid and go to the police. Otherwise deal with it.

 

I still cant believe people think the earth is 10-12 thousand years old...

 

Good advice from everyone except this monster truck aficionado.

[Jimmy Neutron]

I :heart: god people.

 

I wouldn't exactly call her a god person - she's not doing anything the lds or any other church or god teaches. Her failings are her own.

 

Cyclones - keep the evidence and get a lawyer. Unfortunately, that's not going to keep your son near you if she's hell bent on making you miserable.

[Riffraff]

Cyclones... do what Chris Chambers did (minus the affair part)

Chris Chambers - WR, Kansas City Chiefs

 

John Wilkens, of the San Diego Union-Tribune, reports Kansas City Chiefs WR Chris Chambers' former mistress, Stacey Bernice Saunders, has been charged with 11 misdemeanor counts for allegedly stalking and harassing Chambers' family. Saunders is due in court Jan. 19 for arraignment, according to San Diego District Attorney's Office spokesman Paul Levikow. Chamber's wife told San Diego police in April that Saunders was harassing her with phone calls. Chambers requested a temporary restraining order against Saunders two months later, characterizing the calls, text messages and e-mails as "abusive, vulgar and irrational." Chambers acknowledged having an affair with Saunders, but his request for a restraining order was dropped when neither showed up for a hearing in late June.

[pig devilz]

So, just a little background - I've been posting here for a long time and most of the regulars probably know me and know that I'm Mormon (or was.) Over the course of the last year I've stopped going to Church and as a result my wife and I have been separated for about 7 months. It has been very bitter - at first we agreed to move on but over the last 3-4 months I have dealt with daily threats from her about saying things to my employer to try and get me fired, moving away with my son if I don't start going back to Church, etc. She calls and texts me dozens of times a day whether I am at work, home (we live in separate apartments now) or somewhere else. Its getting difficult to function at my job with all the stress - I have tried to reason with her but she won't back off at all. We have a verbal agreement on custody right now but many times she will drop him off and then text me a few minutes later stating that I'm keeping him for longer than we agreed on and that its up to me to figure out how to get him to school, pick him up, etc. (I work about 60-70 hours a week and she hasnt worked for 7 years.) Her latest tactic is to ask for a higher maintenance payment and if I disagree, she threatens to move or keep my son away from me. I'm really at the end of my rope here - is there anything I can do legally to stop the calls and texts? My boss has started asking me recently if anything is going on with me because my performance at work has been suffering due to this. The thing that most perplexes me is that if I lose my job it means no money for her or my son either as I am the only one of us working and my child support and maintenance payments are the only thing that will sustain them until she gets a job. I'd appreciate any feedback here...I'm about at the end of my rope.

 

Having been through a similar situation, that ended where it had to end, in a court room, I highly suggest you get a lawyer.

This is a scary step, I know. You will be drawing a line in the sand. You may even look like 'the bad guy'.

Well, when your is kid involved, maybe you need to make that stand for him. That is your decision to make.

Some men don't take that stand and 9 times out of 10 they lose BIG. Money, but more important, time with their children.

 

Ask friends, co-workers for referrals of a lawyer. Then interview them and pick the one who has the most fight. He or she will be your

mouth in court, you won't get to say much.

 

Drop the girlfriend. It will only get you in deep trouble down the road. A smart lawyer will play that up and you will look very bad

to a judge.

 

Courts, in general, and definitely in my case and State, care MOST about the children. Their well being, safety and provisions.

Any threats she makes that involve your son ( keeping him from you, not returning him, etc) should be documented and backed up as best you can. They will make a difference to a judge.

 

Tell your boss what is going on if you don't think it will get you fired. He/she can be your ally down the road and possibly be a witness (hope it doesn't get that far) or at least write a letter for the record and the judge to see.

 

One thing to check out at the court house is, see if they have a 'lawyer for the day'. Lawyers do pro bono (free, for the public good) work and give advice to people exactly like you. It's short term advice, may help you move along in your decisions and will certainly get you some education on the matters you face. They can give you advice on how to get the harassment to stop so you can work.

Also check on Family Services at the courthouse. They can play a mediation role between the two of you and may be able to get you

a custody schedule, in writing, if you both can agree.

 

Verbal agreements, especially involving custody and the child's well being, are taken very seriously by the courts. She is using

your son as a chip. They do not look favorably upon that kind of behavior from separated parents.

 

From what you write above, I'm sorry to say, this doesn't sound like it is reconcilable. So take action. Stop letting her irrational and

irresponsible behavior dictate your life. Think of your son. Do all you can do to protect him and keep him. Now is the time.

Two most important things to do (after speaking with a lawyer): 1. secure a custody schedule through the courts. 2. stop the harassment so you can work.

 

I think you have a lot going for you, you just need to act. Lean on your friends and family for support, advice and guidance.

And by all means possible, hire a lawyer. Tomorrow.

 

All the best. You can do this.

[polksalet]

From what I understand of the Mormon faith she cannot achieve her "Goddess/God Queen" role in the afterlife if she is not married to a committed Mormon. Even though this a totally alien (no pun intended) set of beliefs for most religious people, in her eyes this is a pretty severe limitation. This also means that your son can't play the Jesus/Lucifer/Messiah/Devil role when you become the creator of your own celestial realm. In essence you are dooming her to eternity on earth with Me, Muck, Azz, Ghandi, Mother Teresa and the other billions of morons who have not submitted to the universal truths.

 

I really have no advice other than keeping every bit of info she sends and hiring a good (NON LDS) divorce attorney. I have a feeling this is going to get a lot more interesting before it calms down.

[Jimmy Neutron]

From what I understand of the Mormon faith she cannot achieve her "Goddess/God Queen" role in the afterlife if she is not married to a committed Mormon. Even though this a totally alien (no pun intended) set of beliefs for most religious people, in her eyes this is a pretty severe limitation. This also means that your son can't play the Jesus/Lucifer/Messiah/Devil role when you become the creator of your own celestial realm. In essence you are dooming her to eternity on earth with Me, Muck, Azz, Ghandi, Mother Teresa and the other billions of morons who have not submitted to the universal truths.

 

Not really. It sounds like she's got more to worry about behavior wise than being married to an active lds man. She may be fixed on a small part of doctrine and ignoring the very base of the faith.

[HowboutthemCowboys]

Some good advice in this thread. My opinion? Get a good lawyer. Get a good lawyer. Get a good lawyer. Now.

[buddahj]

Some good advice in this thread. My opinion? Get a good lawyer. Get a good lawyer. Get a good lawyer. Now.

agree with above quote

[masterwing]

Or you could just go back to Church and fake the whole Church thing like most Americans do.

 

My girlfriend just asked me why I was laughing.