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Poop!


darin3
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Man, I think there's something wrong with me.  There are times I can't even go 15 minutes without having to take a dump (and a greasy nasty one at that) after eating a meal.

 

Got any good poop stories?  I have a good one that I'll tell later in the thread.

 

Go!

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On 10/11/2021 at 4:31 PM, Gopher said:

There are some epic poop stories over at FBG.  Evilgrin, I believe, shared one of them.  You could probably find them by doing some sort of poop search.  :unsure:

 

Yeah I had posted in that thread, and for some reason I can't find it.  I think they zapped it.

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It was right around 1999-2000ish and I was living in the Bay Area, CA.  One of my best college friends lived up there with his wife and we hung out a lot.  My buddy's cousin played hoops for Contra Costa College (a JC) in the area.  Well, they were in the playoffs and we went to all their games.  One night they were slated to play across the bay in South San Francisco against one of the best JC's in the nation.  So we decided to make a whole ordeal of it... go to dinner, get beers, then drive to the game and whoop it up.  Both me and my buddy are elite ish-talkers and would always rile up the opposing fans with our nonsense.  

 

So we decide to hit up Zachary's, a well-known pizza joint in Berkeley, right by the Cal campus, for dinner and pre-game beers.  For those of you not keen to what kind of pie they serve, it's thick-crust Chicago style, so with crushed tomatoes slopped all over the top.  Now, even as a younger lad, tomatoes had always done a number on my stomach, but I didn't expect what was to come.

 

We took our time, slammed several beers, ate a ton of 'za, and then decided it was time to head across the Bay Bridge to get to the game on time.  Well, as luck (or lack thereof) would have it, it was starting to rain, and like most weekend nights, the traffic going into the City was nuts.  So we were stop-and-go from Berkeley all the way across the bridge. 

 

Right about halfway onto the bridge, my stomach started to gurgle a bit.  A few minutes later, it was happening.  I had to roll down the window 'cuz I was starting to get the sweats.  At a few points, I had to press down hard with my foot onto the floor of the vehicle we were in to create enough pressure so that the poo wouldn't come exploding out.

 

Once we got over the bridge, I begged my buddy to pull off in SF real fast so I could take a massive dump. It was imminent.  He said to hold it, because we were already running late because of the rain/traffic.  Eff.  So I sweat more, and his wife and her friend in the back made me roll the window up cuz the rain was coming down harder now.  So there I was, stomach gurgling, sweating my azz off, pressing my feet down into the floor and just hoping I didn't destroy my buddy's seat.

 

We finally make it to the JC campus and I literally yell "PULL OVER" to my buddy as we get into the parking lot of the gym.  I hoist myself out of the vehicle, making sure I didn't let much pressure go out of my poophole.  I waddle as fast as I could to the ticket window and bought my way in.  I ask the lady where the bathroom is and she proceeds to tell me "down those stairs".  WHAT?  I now have to somehow waddle down a flight of stairs to get to the can.

 

I navigated the stairs and fortunately found an empty stall.  I yanked my jeans and drawers down as fast as possible, and before my sweet cheeks had even hit the toilet seat, it was like a volcanic eruption of liquid poo.  It was noisy, smelly, and lasted for a good 5-6 minutes.  The sweating subsided and I felt a sense of relief like I had never felt before.  I waited another few minutes ... just to be sure.  Got myself together and headed up to watch the game.

 

Buddy's cousin's team ended up beating that studly other team, and man were we talking some major ish.  I told my buddy I was THIS close to crapping in his car and he was like "well why didn't you tell me!?!?!"  Seriously!?!?

 

Poop.  Gotta love it.

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Some years ago in fall I was on a motorcycle ride by myself. I felt the need to take a leak so I pulled over in this park I was familiar with that had bathrooms. Nope, too late in the season bathrooms are closed. Its not too crowded, and they were rather primitive to begin with. So I walk further from the water where some people were picnicking and fishing, find a tree, and start to relieve myself. When suddenly I have the urge to fart, but it feels more like a shart, and I don't want to soil my riding pants.

 

I try to finish pissing, and check my pockets for some napkins or such, yep got some of those. Zip and make my way further from people behind a larger tree where I can quickly drop my pants and squirts away... I wipe up, drop the soiled stuff in a trash can (or maybe I just dropped them there) and went back to the bike in search of something to wash my hands with. 

 

Another time riding I needed to piss and decided this spot on the side of the road looked good, no houses too close out in the country. As I'm going (a major whizzer from morning coffee) I see this quad coming up the dirt driveway from a home, a guy with his young boy going to check the mail. No way I can stop now, I try to move so I'm more out of view but my bright gear surely stood out among the landscape. 

 

Always carry something to wipe with, and Purell. And know where the good bathrooms are. So many rest areas on back roads have closed and since COVID hit you cannot rely on any fast food places to be open, gas stations are best but even then, it could be busy or being cleaned (happened once on a ride and some of my friends went to piss behind a dumpster in the parking lot, in a pretty urban setting not some place in the sticks. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Took my wife to see a show in Atlantic city. We decided to drive home that night because we had something going on the next day . AC is about 2 hours from my house. We pull over at a rest stop and I get a coffee at Burger King to try and keep me awake as its pretty late. 

 

Fast forward to us being about 25-30 minutes from home. I am on the garden state parkway and I get a rumbling that wont be denied . I let out a couple of test farts and I realize right away that I am in imminent danger . I see a rest stop . The beginning of this rest stop is actually a state troopers head quarters . I pull in , knowing there is about  93% chance that I am not making it to a facility. I basically am almost striking oil. I pull the car over right in front of the state troopers hq. I drop my drawers and squat all the way down with my back pushing against a tree so I can keep my pants and feet away from the splatter. I erupt in a massive shock and awe of diarrhea . Troopers are actually driving past me but cant see me as my back is against the tree. I look in my car and my wife is in tears laughing so hard. I miraculously got none on my pants or feet or body  . Got home shortly after and showered up. That coffee must have been laying there for 12 hours. I was totally fine after that 

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45 minutes ago, whomper said:

Took my wife to see a show in Atlantic city. We decided to drive home that night because we had something going on the next day . AC is about 2 hours from my house. We pull over at a rest stop and I get a coffee at Burger King to try and keep me awake as its pretty late. 

 

Fast forward to us being about 25-30 minutes from home. I am on the garden state parkway and I get a rumbling that wont be denied . I let out a couple of test farts and I realize right away that I am in imminent danger . I see a rest stop . The beginning of this rest stop is actually a state troopers head quarters . I pull in , knowing there is about  93% chance that I am not making it to a facility. I basically am almost striking oil. I pull the car over right in front of the state troopers hq. I drop my drawers and squat all the way down with my back pushing against a tree so I can keep my pants and feet away from the splatter. I erupt in a massive shock and awe of diarrhea . Troopers are actually driving past me but cant see me as my back is against the tree. I look in my car and my wife is in tears laughing so hard. I miraculously got none on my pants or feet or body  . Got home shortly after and showered up. That coffee must have been laying there for 12 hours. I was totally fine after that 

 

Quickest reaction I've ever seen from a food item was a friend of mine on a motorcycle trip. We stopped at DQ for a treat, and their soft serve machine wasn't working right, stuff was real watery. They got it working better and got us our cones. About 30min down the road my friend is nowhere in site, I pull over and wait......still nothing. I turn around and see his bike parked on a gravel shoulder, but no sign of him. Find a safe place to turn around and come back, by then he's coming up from the hillside and tells me that ice cream tore right thru him giving him the squirts. (We all know to carry some napkins, tissue paper, hanky or something for emergencies. Mine is in my pants pocket, happened once at a porta-pot there was no TP.)

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  • 3 weeks later...
14 hours ago, darin3 said:

Man, certain fast food makes me poo weird.  I think there's something wrong with my insides. Had McDonald's for lunch, and ugh... 30 minutes after I'm done I'm already ready to blow it out of my pooper.  Liquidy gross. Thought I'd share.

 

Taco Bell used to be the same way for me, cannot recall the last time I ate there, maybe 15-20 years ago. McD is more a breakfast spot for me, prefer just about anything else to McD. Even when I worked in the office I rarely ate fast food, even less often now, mostly when traveling or when I just don't have anything at home. If I want a quick decent burger at a reasonable price I'll go to Stake N Shake, or a local chain called Mr. Hero that makes a tasty burger.

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15 hours ago, darin3 said:

Man, certain fast food makes me poo weird.  I think there's something wrong with my insides. Had McDonald's for lunch, and ugh... 30 minutes after I'm done I'm already ready to blow it out of my pooper.  Liquidy gross. Thought I'd share.

Stop eating fast food.

 

:lol:

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3 hours ago, League_Champion said:

I can only poop at home or in a Hotel. Is the weird? I can't be the only one. 

 

I had a friend who was like that, very uncomfortable pooping away from home, even at another private home, hotel etc, 

 

I wouldn't have survived the last decade or so if I was like that. 

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