St Patty day jokes

[BeeR]

Just under the wire

 

 

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jeez, that looks like Sean" to which Paddy waved his hand and said "Nooo, Sean was taller than that."

 

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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp and to the amazement of both, a genie came forth! This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought at all, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest Guinness brew brewed.

 

The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances....

 

Michael looked at Patrick and said in disgust, "Nice going Patrick; now we're going to have to wee in the boat!"

 

 

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A young Irishman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender says "sorry lad, no animals allowed at the bar." The man goes "but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and came running and jumped in the pool and saved my son!"

 

"Well " said the bartender, "sure'n this pig is very special indeed! I'll get him a drink."

 

"Oh by the way, I noticed he is missing a leg, what happened there?"

 

"Well" said the young man, "when you got a pig this special, you don't eat him all at once"

 

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Mr O'Flaherty was ill but the doctor was puzzled and couldn't figure it out. "I'm sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be the drinkin."

 

"Don't worry about it," the man says, "I'll come back when you're good n sober."

 

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," the other man says. The first man says "Where ye from lad?" "Ireland," says the other.

 

The first goes "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course!" says the second.

 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland ye from?" "Dublin," he says. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "sure'n I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did ye go to now?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

 

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!! A fine day it 'tis. Have another!"

 

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. The barkeep goes "Oh the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

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Mr and Mrs Flanagan live way out in the hills and never go to doctors, but one day Mrs. Flanagan feels very sickly and so goes to the doctor who says he'll need a urine specimen to do more tests.

 

Mrs. Flanagan goes home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. What on Earth is urine specimen?"

 

Mr. Flanagan, also being unlearned in such things, replies "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do." So Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest!

 

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

 

"Well" she says, "I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'piss in a bottle, woman' so I said 'Go sh** in yer hat!!' and the fight was on."

[rocknrobn26]

 

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."