Trip to India

[isleseeya]

read it and made me laugh :

 

 

The trip

A few months ago I decided to take an exotic vacation with my wife betty of 20 years . We looked through numerous brochures and came up with India . I know you are saying he must be crazy but my wife promised me a good time ( wink , wink ) if in fact the vacation was not going as well as planned . My wife was always fascinated with India , which I think is because she got coffee from 7-11 in the mornings on the way to work , and she became friendly with the owner , singh bibi singh .

Here we go :

The flight – okay I wish I had a lot of money because I would definitely fly business class or first class , however Betty convinced me that flying 18 hours in coach would be fine as I could sleep most of the trip . Did not turn out that way . We sit in the back of the plane and immediately realize there will be big problems as the man sitting in front of me weighs in the neighborhood of 400 lbs , with beads of sweat on his forehead the size of Olives. He sits down and immediately the tray in front of me flies down and smacks my knees and the magazines going flying everywhere . He turns to apologize but I can not understand a word he is saying and a huge glob of sweat hits me on the tip of my nose . My wife says relax honey , you will be sleeping soon ..so I wish . I start to ease into my chair and realize that directly to my left are a set of twins , probably about 3 years old . I smile at them and they both proceed to throw their toy cars at my forehead . Quickly I duck and the matchbox cars end up hitting betty on the side of her head . Betty begins to yell at me believing I antagonized these two monsters …She gives the cars back to the boys , smiles at them and ofcousre this time they smile back . Finally the plane , jampacked with people ( mostly natives to Calcutta ) takes off …The stewardess who looks like cousin It from the Munsters gives us emergency evacuation procedures in Indian and then in English . I can honestly say I understood the directions better in Indian ….Now I finally think I will get some rest as we cruising comfortably at 35,000 ft . The fasten the seatbelt light goes off , and suddenly at least 14 people walk towards the back of the plane to use the rest room which is situatued no more than 4 feet behind me . As each person leaves the lavatory and opens the door , I get a whiff of a smell I really can not describe. If I had to I would call it the smell of 100 dead bums , mixed with the sweet stench of urine , finished off with the odor of NBA players feet after an overtime Game . ..Betty looks at me oblivious to this smell as most women are and says do not worry honey you will be sleeping soon …I manage a nervous smile , as my nostril hairs begin to burn into dust .

After two hours of this torture , my sense of smell is gone , my head is spinning , my ears are ringing , my left leg is twitching and I think I lost the feeling in my tongue . However the food is coming and somehow I think it may help me get my mind off the garbage dump I am stuck in ….Here comes my tray …and away goes my appetite . I can not begin to explain what my food looks like but I believe I once saw a Monet” painting that comes close . I look at it more closely and I can honestly say I have no idea what is the main course and what is the dessert . Finally I ask the steward ( what did you expect – stewardess ) if he can be kind enough to tell me what I am about to eat . He smiles and says it is a traditional Indian treat of cured & aged goat , leek and raisins , and side dishes of sweets . I ask what kind of sweets , he laughs and walks away …. I am hurting bad right about now ..I leave my food alone while Betty munches it down telling me that I should try new things ..I tell her good idea , and I will take her up on her offer next time I meet a woman at the bar ..She calls me an ass and sticks another spoonful of sweets ( what the hell is that stuff ) in her mouth …I order 3 scotches , and am told I can only have two ( per person ) , I tell them one is for my wife , and ofocurse Betty “sweet tooth “ says no I really do not want one …okay give me two then , and if possible a shot of Drano to help end this misery . The stewardess says “Drano” , I say forget it and give me the 2 scotches please ..They come , I drink them faster than you can blink and finally think I will be able to get my rest ..The cattle line to the bathroom dies down and I begin to close my eyes …6 minutes later , I know because I have my watch on ( not a good idea however to wear a watch on an 18 hour flight ) , the friendly twins begin screaming and crying …I look at them and optimistically believe their parents will quiet them down soon ..Fat chance as the mom and dad are eating the damn goat and talking amongst themselves . The screaming continues , and what makes this such a special moment is the kids are screaming in Indian ..which sounds like a dozen pigs exploding …I put the pillow over my head and hope with all my might that I will be able to hear quiet …three hours later it is quiet but the bathroom is completely destroyed …I think a call to the EPA would help but I decide to once again try to sleep …close my eyes and boom , I hear noise which sounds like 100 violins playing all at once out of tune ..I see now that the movie has begun playing in the plane and ofcourse it is in Indian and very , very loud ..I wish these kids would start screaming again …it is hopeless ..Betty says the movie looks good , and I say how the hell would you know ? ..she calmly says , I can feel it …well I can feel that I blew my vacation right out the window …The movie goes on and on …approximately 4 hours long …At this point I am so tired I begin to drool …. Finally movie ends , lights out and I believe I will sleep …wrong again …My 400 lb friend in front of me gets up to go use the bathroom . Thankfully I can stretch my legs for the first time in 12 hours ..every bone in them cracks …Mr Sweaty finally gets into the lavatory and I begin to hear sounds that I thought only existed in hell . I heard groaning , humming , a cat meowing , a balloon popping …I thought for a moment that I actually saw a green fog come out from under the bathroom door ….suddenly I get hit with a smell that literally pushes me off my chair and causes me to temporarily lose consciousness . I am gagging , dry heaving and wishing I had a parachute ..after 30 minutes of complete chaos and brutality , my big man comes out looks at me , smiles and nails me with another glob of sweat in my right eye …. My wife who has been sleeping for at least an hour starts to snore ..I want to punch her right in the face ..I hold off and decide to try and sleep …Finally I am sleeping …I begin to have my first dream , when I feel the plane landing ..I look at my watch and it is clear I have slept all of 32 minutes …My wife smiles and says we made it …not so bad baby ..I clear my throat , phlegm hits the rough of my mouth and I almost spit in her hair …I control myself and smile back ..Betty goes to use the bathroom ( God bless her ) ..As she is in there , I start to think how much she is going to owe me in the bedroom ( wink , wink ) and I say at least I have that to look forward to …she comes out and we are about to disembark the plane ..she whispers to me , do you think they have a pharmacy here ( my first thought was condoms ) , I say probably why ? she says I got my period

Welcome to India !

Thank you &

[isleseeya]

WOW what a trip!!!!! can you give me the name of your travel agent???? I got to fly those friendly skies !!!!!

 

 

 

it was not me ..i have hard enough travelling on a plane 5 hrs let alone 18 +