Jokes

[spain]

A young cowboy walked into a seedy looking little cafe in a west Texas town. As he sat down at the counter he looked over at an old cowpoke that was sitting looking into his bowl of chili. After the old guy sat there for a few minutes without eating any the young cowboy asked him if he could have it. The old cowpoke pushed the bowl down the counter and said sure help yourself.

The youngster dug in with vigor till he got down to the bottom of the bowl where he saw a dead mouse. Upon seeing the mouse he puked right back into the bowl.

The old cowpoke looked over at the youngster and said, yep, that's as far as I got too.

[spain]

A private investigator was hired by a San Diego bank to track a suspect in a recent robbery and recover the money. The investigator tracks the culprit over the border Mexico and apprehends him. Upon realizing that the suspect cannot speak English, he goes to the phone book and hires an interpreter.

 

When the interpreter arrives be begins his interrogation. He repeatedly asks through the interpreter for the location of the stolen money, but gets nothing. Finally, out of frustration PI puts his revolver to the supects head and demands one last time, "Tell me where the money is or I'll shoot". The interpreter relays the question. To which the supect finally replies, "Senor, the money is hidden in the courtyard of the Plaza Hotel 12 paces due west from the fountain". The translator then relays to the investigator, "He says he is ready to die like a man."

[spain]

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

 

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

 

After the marriage, Friday came. She prepared to light the Sabbath candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex." So they did.

 

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

 

They went to bed after prayers to get ready for the Sabbath. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

 

After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

 

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?"

 

She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."

[spain]

A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted is "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[spain]

Love, Lust, and Marriage

 

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.

LUST: When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

 

LOVE: When sex is called "making love".

LUST: When sex is called "doing it".

MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

 

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

 

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

 

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

 

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.

MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

 

LOVE: When nobody else matters.

LUST: When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

 

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST: When you like to see each other naked.

MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

 

LOVE: When you share everything you own.

LUST: When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

 

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."

LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

 

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

 

LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling."

LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?"

MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper."

[spain]

A new young monk was assigned to an abbey where the main task was hand copying old manuscripts and dispursing them worldwide to the religous faithful. Upon entering the abbey and finding his workspace, the young monk noticed that the manuscript in front of him was not an original, but was indeed an old, old copy of the original. The young monk approached the Abbott with his concerns on this issue - "Abbott" said the young monk, "would it not be wise to make each new manuscript an exact copy from the original? If one mistake has been made in the original copy, the error would be spread around the world and perpetuated indefinitely." The old Abbott thought for a moment and said "My son, I see that you bring up a good point, but I must tell you that the original copies we make our manuscripts from have been in use for hundreds of years. I seriously doubt that an error would have gone unnoticed for that amount of time. But still you have a valid point and I will check the original personally." With that the old Abbott went down into the bowels of the abbey into the locked and secretive vault where the original was kept. A few hours pass and the young monk begins to be concerned as the Abbott has not returned yet. He creeps down the stairs towards the vault and hears horrible moans and thudding noises. As he enters the vault he sees the old Abbott standing in a corner, the original manuscript flung to the floor. The old Abbott is banging his head into the hard stone wall and all the time repeating "They forgot the R, how could they miss the R?" The young monk rushed to his side and asked what was going on, to that the old Abott turned and said, "the word was supposed to be celebRate!"

[spain]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunning young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"

[spain]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.

Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

 

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

 

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

 

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

 

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.