Guest Azazello13 Posted May 15, 2002 Share Posted May 15, 2002 Today's Denver Post Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - Brer Sharks, defeat them Brer Avs in Game 7, poke them in the eyeballs, pull their ears so hard that their toes hurt, jackhammer their noses and ram your sticks against their ribs; I don't care what you do with them, but, for Lord's sakes, just you don't fling them Brer Avs into that briar patch in Detroit. The Sharks must win. The Avalanche must lose. Let San Jose go on and be humiliated, harangued, harassed, conquered, crushed and trash-compacted in Detroit. The Avs don't need that aggravation. Shark versus Octopus. Perfect. They can sushi-whip each other into the ice. The Avalanche had a nice run. Let it end at The Can tonight. Please don't throw the Avs into that briar patch. The Avalanche has no wherewithal whatsoever to play the Detroit Red Wings. Alfalfa didn't want to fight Butch. Why would Our Gang want to stick their tongues out at the Red Wings? One national magazine recently blessed the Red Wings as THE GREATEST TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY. A team so great you have to use capital letters. A team so fierce you have to get the women and children off the streets and behind locked doors when it comes to town. A team so awesome opponents' skates shake before the first faceoff. A team so magnificent the Hockey Hall of Fame will have to construct a separate building to house the dozen players' busts. The 2002 Red Wings' wing. It's better to be dead than Red, and it's better to lose benignly to the San Jose Sharks than have to defy T.G.T.E.A.I.T.H.O.H. You can't beat the Red Wings; you can't join them; you can't get out of their way. You can only not play them. So, Sharks, don't lob the Avalanche into that briar patch. The Red Wings have those old favorites the Avs always dreaded playing - Steve Yzerman, Brendan Shanahan, Sergei Federov, Kirk Maltby and Nicklas Lidstrom. Don't those guys ever retire? They were joined in 1999 by Chris Chelios, a monster on the Chicago Blackhawks team the Avs had to confront in the postseason. Then, this year, Detroit grabbed Luc Robitaille, who was on that Los Angeles Kings team that took the Avs to seven games in the playoffs last year. They've got Anna Kournikova cheering them on. Give us a break. Saving the best for last, as if the Detroit Red Wings didn't have enough to make grown men weep, they added goaltender Dominik Hasek. Of course, they have THE GREATEST COACH IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY, Scotty Bowman. He's even got the press scared to death. In Detroit's most recent playoff series, Bowman pushed around a radio reporter from St. Louis. He already had been fined $10,000 during the Vancouver series for shoving a reporter from a hometown newspaper, the Detroit Free Press. I don't want any part of Bowman. Or those calamari-flipping Red Wingnuts, THE GREATEST FANS IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY. Why would the Avalanche players deal with grief when they can be playing golf and enjoying the mountains this weekend? There's no use in dropping four straight in the Western Conference finals to this legendary team that has won two whole consecutive playoff series. Sources claim the Red Wings' names already have been permanently carved into the Stanley Cup. Why not? They're invincible. Sure, they lost the first two games of the playoffs - at home - but, then the Canucks were shredded like an Enron memo. The Red Wings won four in a row. The St. Louis Blues. Forget them. The Red Wings were wildebeest on Simba. During the regular season, the Avalanche lost three of four games, including the two in Denver, to the Red Wings. What's changed all of a sudden? While the Avalanche has been struggling to turn back the Kings in seven games and now has been pushed to the brink by the Sharks, the Red Wings are sitting in Detroit resting, plotting and picking their teeth. Plus, Detroit wants revenge against Colorado. The Red Wings were dusted in the first round last year by the Kings, who went on to lose to the Avalanche, which went on to win the Stanley Cup the Red Wings felt belonged to them. Just as in 2000 when Detroit had its artificial heart ripped out after the Avalanche won the series in five. Just as in 1999 when Detroit had its transplanted heart ripped out after the Avalanche won the series in six. Just as in 1996 when Detroit had its original heart ripped out when the Avalanche won the series in six and then the Stanley Cup. Bowman's very mad. He's never bested upstart coach Bob Hartley in a playoff series. Detroit, which led the NHL with 116 points while the Avalanche didn't reach 100, will have the home-ice advantage, the bookmakers, the Canadian hockey analysts and all of Hockeytown behind it. No way can Patrick Roy keep up with Hasek, Joe Sakic equal Shanahan, Rob Blake be stronger than Chelios, Peter Forsberg be as beautiful as Kournikova or the rest of the Avs match up with Rest Wings. The Avs ought to surrender tonight. They don't want to be heaved into that mean old nasty Detroit briar patch. (Wink, wink.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furd Posted May 15, 2002 Share Posted May 15, 2002 Butthead: "That guy looks old." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redwings.cup Posted May 15, 2002 Share Posted May 15, 2002 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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