US Economy Grinds to a Halt

[Azazello1313]

WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

 

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

 

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we...if we..." said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this -- this so-called 'money' -- really matters at all."

 

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

 

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it -- the money, our whole economy -- it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

 

U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.

 

link

Edited February 17, 2010 by Azazello1313

[bpwallace49]

I looove the Onion . .

[Ursa Majoris]

U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.

 

[Avernus]

Ben Bernanke = Jerry Maguire

Edited February 18, 2010 by Avernus

[I Like Soup]

The Romans had it right, just whoop dat ass...

[TimC]

We could invade Switzerland and steal their stuff. Boy, would they be surprised. I mean just pound them into the ground with everything we have. All the nukes aimed at one spot would be soooo sweet.

[dmarc117]