Joke of the Day

[Perchoutofwater]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a ... See Morepowerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

 

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

[Perchoutofwater]

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry partially funded by the Stimulus Package has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man differs depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example, if she is ovulating, she tends to be attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.

 

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.... See More

 

No follow-up studies are expected.

[Jimmy Neutron]

 

[SEC=UGA]

Good stuff.

[buddahj]

[nuke'em ttg]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. � � � � � �

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she

asked "Is my time up?" � � � � � � �

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to

live." � � � �

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had

someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she

had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of

it. � � � � � � � � � �

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. � �

� � � � � � �

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?" � � � � �

 

 

 

 

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[Perchoutofwater]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , Our glasses are so

cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.

 

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer,

Throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make

glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

 

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

 

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

She says, 'In Texas, we have so many illegal aliens that

we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'