Flogging the dog...

[Coffeeman]

He was so drunk, he was literally

 

playing hide the wee sacred president

 

 

(But I thought BUSH was the POTUS...)

[Selly]

Some quotes from Wikipedia:

 

* "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." ~ Woody Allen, Annie Hall

 

* "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it" ~ Truman Capote

 

* "If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!" ~ Lenny Bruce

 

* "I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something." ~ Dave Attell

 

* "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen

 

* "Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work." ~ Karl Kraus

 

* "Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed." - George Carlin

 

* "The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly." ~ Sigmund Freud

 

* "Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners." ~ P. J. O'Rourke

 

* "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." ~ Lily Tomlin

 

* "If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much." ~ Mark Twain

[Skrappy1]

She seemed like a shy girl when they met, but a few drinks later, they were plowing the nether trophy.

 

The film shocked audiences nationwide with its frank depiction of two men unlocking the Polish cactus.

 

I couldn't believe my best friend was actually warming up the technicolor biscuits.

 

This is not an appropriate place for running down the red cactus.

 

Alone once again, she retired to the bedroom and began making the bald flounder.