Sweetlips Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!" "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her!" Frantic, the son calls his sister who explodes into the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cliaz Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 that's awesome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 What If Santa Had PMS? Have you ever wondered what Santa would be like if he had PMS? 1. Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy. Dear Teddy, What, like you dad's doing to quit banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the mean time and let's see if you can build up a family with those. Santa. 2. Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas. Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one Sega!ty day a year, I send toys to all you little f*ckers! Santa. 3. Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody. Love, Sarah. Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetlips Posted December 13, 2006 Author Share Posted December 13, 2006 What If Santa Had PMS? Have you ever wondered what Santa would be like if he had PMS? 1. Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy. Dear Teddy, What, like you dad's doing to quit banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the mean time and let's see if you can build up a family with those. Santa. 2. Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas. Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one Sega!ty day a year, I send toys to all you little f*ckers! Santa. 3. Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody. Love, Sarah. Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetlips Posted December 13, 2006 Author Share Posted December 13, 2006 A yearly favorite..... CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE SLIGHTLY DISTURBED __________________________________________ 1. Schizophrenia ... Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder ... We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia ... I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic ... Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic ... Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid ... Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder ... Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder ... You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder ... Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells 11. Tourette's ... Have yourself a Merry Flocking Christmas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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