Joke Bag to Lighten the Mood

[spain]

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila. He downs them all one after the other.

 

bartender: holy Sega! man, what happened to you?

 

Man: I'm celebrating my first B.J.

 

bartender: Well, if thats the case, have one on the house.

 

Man: Well, if 7 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, i doubt 8 will.

Edited March 7, 2007 by spain

[spain]

There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. Six people (one woman

and five men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted

island.

 

Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get

really lonely --sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement.

All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has

her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.

 

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for

five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and

the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every

week.

 

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!

 

Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad,

the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad,

really bad, and the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so very bad

that...

 

they buried her.

[spain]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

 

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

 

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

 

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"

[spain]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

 

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

"This bull mated 120 times last year.

" The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

 

"This bull mated 365 times last year."

 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,

"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

The husband looked at her and said,

 

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.

[spain]

A man walked into a bar that was going out of business. The bartender told him, "We don't have much left, but tell me what you want and I'll see what I can do."

 

"Jack and coke," said the man.

 

The bartender fished around under the bar for a minute, pulled out an apple, and placed it in front of the man. "What the hell is this?" asked the man.

 

"Take a bite and see."

 

Amazingly, the apple tasted like Jack Daniels. "But where is the coke?" the man asked. "Spin it around, it's on the other side," replied the bartender.

 

Sure enough, the other side of the apple tasted like coke. He was blown away.

 

"Ok...vodka tonic next," said the man, eager for a real drink this time.

 

The bartender went back under the bar, looking around for a minute, and produced another apple. The man was a little irritated, but still curious. He took a bite, and it tasted like tonic water!

 

"Spin it around, the vodka is on the other side," said the bartender.

 

Sure enough, the other side tasted like vodka.

 

The man got a mischievous grin on his face. "You know, you could make a fortune if you could make these taste like Veronica."

 

The bartender smiled and went back under the bar. The man was wrought with anticipation. After a minute, the bartender placed yet another apple on the bar in front of him.

 

The man raised the apple to his lips and took a bite. He then spewed it out, shouting, "This tastes like Sega!!"

 

"Spin it around...."

[H8tank]

Who says the mood needs anyone foking with it chimpy?

[alexgaddis]

A man walked into a bar that was going out of business. The bartender told him, "We don't have much left, but tell me what you want and I'll see what I can do."

 

"Jack and coke," said the man.

 

The bartender fished around under the bar for a minute, pulled out an apple, and placed it in front of the man. "What the hell is this?" asked the man.

 

"Take a bite and see."

 

Amazingly, the apple tasted like Jack Daniels. "But where is the coke?" the man asked. "Spin it around, it's on the other side," replied the bartender.

 

Sure enough, the other side of the apple tasted like coke. He was blown away.

 

"Ok...vodka tonic next," said the man, eager for a real drink this time.

 

The bartender went back under the bar, looking around for a minute, and produced another apple. The man was a little irritated, but still curious. He took a bite, and it tasted like tonic water!

 

"Spin it around, the vodka is on the other side," said the bartender.

 

Sure enough, the other side tasted like vodka.

 

The man got a mischievous grin on his face. "You know, you could make a fortune if you could make these taste like Veronica."

 

The bartender smiled and went back under the bar. The man was wrought with anticipation. After a minute, the bartender placed yet another apple on the bar in front of him.

 

The man raised the apple to his lips and took a bite. He then spewed it out, shouting, "This tastes like Sega!!"

 

"Spin it around...."

 

How did he get the apples to do that!...

[spain]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,

so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys

applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew

a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good

job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him. She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as

she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly

by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired!"

[spain]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of 99 pence.

 

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

 

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!

[spain]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating

peanuts. He'd toss

>them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

>

>

>In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a

question, and as he

>turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He

tried and tried to

>dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

>

>

>He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of

trying they became

>worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they

were ready to go out

>the door, their daughter and her date arrived home

from the high school

>prom.

>After being informed of the problem, their daughter's

date said he could

>get the peanut out.

>

>

>The young man told the father to sit down, then

proceeded to shove two

>fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

>

>

>When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

>

>

>The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

>

>

>The young man insisted that it was nothing and the

daughter took the

>young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

>

>

>Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and

said, "That's so

>wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's

going to be when he

>grows older?"

>

>

>The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,

our son in-law."

[spain]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

 

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

 

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

 

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

 

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and op en upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

 

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus"!

[spain]

A University of Michigan professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

 

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies

[spain]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

"House" for instance, is feminine:

"la casa."

 

"Pencil," however, is masculine:

"el lapiz."

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that

"computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"),

because:

 

 

1. No one but their creator

understands their internal logic;

 

2. The native language

they use to communicate

with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes

are stored in long term memory

for possible later retrieval; and

 

4. As soon as you make

a commitment to one,

you find yourself spending

half your paycheck

on accessories for it.

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded

that computers should be Masculine

("el computador"), because:

 

1. In order to do anything

with them, you have to turn them on;

 

2. They have a lot of data

but still can't think for themselves;

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[spain]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

Yes. "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" Yes."

And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so am azed, he says, "I suppose

a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some Veronica?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a Rosie O'Donnell."

[HowboutthemCowboys]

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked

> in

> > the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his

> > head.

> > -

> > In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to

> start

> > working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his

> problem.

> > -

> > The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an

> > examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to

> > Jesse, and told him to drink it all.

> > -

> > Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull

> > Sega!!"

> > The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse........ You were a quart low."

[spain]

1. What do you call a cupboard full

of lesbians?

 

 

A licker cabinet.

 

 

 

 

 

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

 

 

A Klondyke.

 

 

 

 

 

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with

guns?

 

 

Militia Etheridge.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear

make-up at the same time?

 

 

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with

Mary Kay on their face.

 

 

 

 

 

5. What do you call two lesbians in a

canoe?

 

 

Fur Traders.

 

 

 

 

 

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

 

 

A Lickalotapuss.

 

 

 

 

 

7. What do you call a lesbian with long

fingers?

 

 

Well Hung.

 

 

 

 

 

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres

drowned?

 

 

She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

 

 

 

 

 

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

 

 

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

 

 

 

 

 

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....

 

 

Lick-a-likes.

 

 

 

 

 

11. What's the definition of confusion?

 

 

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

 

 

 

 

 

12. What's the difference between a Ritz

cracker and a lesbian?

 

 

One's a snack cracker, the other's a

crack snacker.

 

13. Why did it take the two lesbian carpenters so long to build thier house?

 

Because every joint was tongue and groove

[spain]

new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in

the African desert.

 

During his first inspection of the outfit,he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know,there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."

 

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this,but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

 

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

 

 

 

"No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town

where the girls are."

[spain]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

 

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh". The husband, rejected, turns over.

 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[spain]

MARRIAGE COUNSELING

 

A man and woman were having marital

problems so they went to see a

marriage counselor.

 

The counselor, in an attempt to find

some common ground from which to

begin his analysis said, "Tell me

about anything the two of you have in

common."

 

The husband spoke up and said, "Well,

neither one of us sucks dicks."

[spain]

Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

 

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

 

He turns to the astonished patrons.

 

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

 

Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute.

 

"Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

 

In return for witnessing this Spectacle,

Each of you will buy me a drink."

 

The crowd murmured their approval.

 

The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

 

The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped.

 

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer

bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head.

 

The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

 

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard

with the beer bottle!"

[spain]

Skinny Dippin.......

 

An elderly man in Shasta County had owned a large

 

farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice --

picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shape and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked ..............or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

 

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

[spain]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

"Dad, what is the

difference between 'potentially' and

'realistically'?" The father

thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your

mother if she would

sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask

your sister if

she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars, and then, ask

your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a

million dollars. Come

back and tell me what you learn from that."

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you

sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied,

"Of course, I would!

We could really use that money to fix up the house

and to send you

kids to a great university!"

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would

you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh

good heavens! I

LOVE

Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a

heartbeat. Are you

nuts?"

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would

you sleep with

Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the

brother replied. "Do

you

know how much a million bucks would buy?"

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then

went back to his

dad.

 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the

difference between

'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

 

The boy replied: "Yes.

 

'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million

dollars, but

'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a

future

congressman.''

[spain]

There were two whales swimming in the ocean one day. The male, Tommy, spots a ship and immediately recognizes it.

 

"Hey Stephanie," he says to his female companion, "That ship is the same one that harpooned my brother a few years ago. I want to avenge his death."

 

He explains that they'll both swim under the ship and blow as hard as they can through their blowholes, which should capsize the ship.

 

They do this and it works as planned. Sailors are screaming for help and frantically swimming in the water.

 

Tommy says, "You know, I'd really feel a lot better if we ate them. After all, they did kill my brother".

 

Stephanie responds, "Look Tommy, I agreed to the blow-job. But there's simply no way that I'm swallowing seamen."

Edited March 7, 2007 by spain

[spain]

mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks, "Mommy,how old are you?"

 

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

 

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

 

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

 

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

 

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

 

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

 

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

 

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

 

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

 

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

 

Because you got an F in sex."

[spain]

3 women were to be honoured at the womens rights convention for things they have achieved with their relationships.

 

First Austrailian women stands up in front of 10,000 woman and speaks. When I got home from work one day, I said to my husband John that he is to help around the house more. 1st day i didnt see anything. 2nd day I didnt see anything but the 3rd day the dishes were done. 10,000 woman stand up clapping & cheering ovation.

 

2nd American women stands up in front of 10,000 woman and speaks. When I got home from work one day, I said to my husband Harold that he is to help around the house more. 1st day i didnt see anything. 2nd day I didnt see anything but the 3rd day the laundry was done. 10,000 woman stand up clapping & cheering ovation.

 

3rd an Irish women stands up in front of 10,000 woman and speaks. When I got home from work one day, I said to my husband Shamus he is to help around the house more. 1st day i didnt see anything. 2nd day I didnt see anything but the 3rd after the swelling went down I could just see out of my left eye!!!