Inlaw Suite

[KevinL]

My mother (age 84) has aged to the point where she cannot live on her own. She doesn't need round-the-clock nursing care but she does need someone to look after her, including meals, laundry, medicine reminders, etc. Since spring, she has been in a unique home-based assisted living facility.

 

I have 7 siblings so you might think this would be easy, but all of the other 7 either are single and work, both spouses work, or have children out-of-state and make frequent trips.

 

My wife does home day-care but does not work outside the home. So we are in the unique position of being able to have someone home with Mom most of the time.

 

However, with 7 kids, our house is pretty full, and we only have a half-bath on the first floor.

 

We are considering building an in-law suite onto the back of our house. Bedroom, bath, closet. Estimate is $31,000. We can't afford this, but my mom could. By not having to pay for the assisted living facility, she could recoup the expenses in less than 1 year.

 

We have begun discussing this with my siblings and have been getting positive responses.

 

One issue is Medicaid. At some point Mom will run out of money. If her health takes a turn for the worse and she requires full time nursing care, this could happen within 5 years. It is our understanding that any expenses within the past 5 years will be reviewed and may have to be reimbursed.

 

Specifically, paying for an addition to her son's house, even if she lives in the addition and saves money compared to the current assisted living costs, may be looked upon unfavorably.

 

The other issue is location. Mom is in the town where she has lived pretty much her entire life. Of her 8 kids, 5 live within 5 miles. Moving to my house would be 45 minutes away. Closer to my sister, but farther from the other 6. However, of the 5 that live nearby, there are 2 that visit almost daily in support. They both are ok with her moving farther away and thus would feel less of an obligation.

 

Mom spends most of her time either watching tv, or looking out her window to see if any of her kids are coming to visit her.

 

So at my house, she would have less interaction with most of the family, in exchange for constant interaction with my brood of 7. While her current assisted living situation is a home-business, she really does not interact any more than necessary with the family that runs it.

 

Does anyone have any experience or advice in this area?

[SEC=UGA]

My mother (age 84) has aged to the point where she cannot live on her own. She doesn't need round-the-clock nursing care but she does need someone to look after her, including meals, laundry, medicine reminders, etc. Since spring, she has been in a unique home-based assisted living facility.

 

I have 7 siblings so you might think this would be easy, but all of the other 7 either are single and work, both spouses work, or have children out-of-state and make frequent trips.

 

My wife does home day-care but does not work outside the home. So we are in the unique position of being able to have someone home with Mom most of the time.

 

However, with 7 kids, our house is pretty full, and we only have a half-bath on the first floor.

 

We are considering building an in-law suite onto the back of our house. Bedroom, bath, closet. Estimate is $31,000. We can't afford this, but my mom could. By not having to pay for the assisted living facility, she could recoup the expenses in less than 1 year.

 

We have begun discussing this with my siblings and have been getting positive responses.

 

One issue is Medicaid. At some point Mom will run out of money. If her health takes a turn for the worse and she requires full time nursing care, this could happen within 5 years. It is our understanding that any expenses within the past 5 years will be reviewed and may have to be reimbursed.

 

Specifically, paying for an addition to her son's house, even if she lives in the addition and saves money compared to the current assisted living costs, may be looked upon unfavorably.

 

The other issue is location. Mom is in the town where she has lived pretty much her entire life. Of her 8 kids, 5 live within 5 miles. Moving to my house would be 45 minutes away. Closer to my sister, but farther from the other 6. However, of the 5 that live nearby, there are 2 that visit almost daily in support. They both are ok with her moving farther away and thus would feel less of an obligation.

 

Mom spends most of her time either watching tv, or looking out her window to see if any of her kids are coming to visit her.

 

So at my house, she would have less interaction with most of the family, in exchange for constant interaction with my brood of 7. While her current assisted living situation is a home-business, she really does not interact any more than necessary with the family that runs it.

 

Does anyone have any experience or advice in this area?

 

I have a great spot behind the house for about a 6 car garage and could put a killer MIL suite on it and that is what the MIL wants me to do... For that very reason I have refused to build a garage until such time as my MIL no longer has a desire to live near me her daughter and the grandchild.

 

Other than that, sounds like a tough situation. You should always do what makes you and her most comfortable. Talk to her about all the pros and cons... talk with your wife about all the pros and cons. This needs to be a decision not taken lightly. If you can help her to feel that you are facilitating her rather than taking care of her, that is your ultimate goal, no one wants to be a burden.

[Savage Beatings]

My parents did this for my Grandmother. It was not easy on them, but they don't regret it. Where it became awkward was in the Kitchen... my Grandmother wanted to feel useful and so would like to help by making some meals, etc., but it was my Mother's Kitchen, and it wasn't easy for her to have someone else there doing the things that she liked to do for her husband/family. But that's just anectdotal. Just keep in mind that the daily routine will be a big adjustment for everyone (and could put a strain on your marriage). That said, I think it is a wonderful thing for us children to do for our parents if we can. Family doesn't end after High School or College. Good luck and God bless!

[Perchoutofwater]

I think the biggest issue is you working out the financial situation with your mother and your siblings. Once you have that resolved to everyone's satisfaction I think this would be great for your mother and for your children. My only two concerns would be with your wife and with your siblings. You need to make sure your wife is fully on board with it, and not just saying she is because she thinks it is the right thing to do, and you need to know upfront what you siblings all think about it and the financial situation.

 

I know that when the time comes this is something we will be doing as well. My wife an I have already talked about it, and there is no way she is going to let her father, or either of my parents go into a facility unless they require medical assistance that we are unable to provide at home. Obviously your heart is in the right place, now you just need to make sure everyone else's is too.