cliaz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 These are copied from an email I received and are not originals... ==================================================================== ================================================= A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." ==================================================================== ================================================= Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a Get Back?' ... and she's always sound asleep." ==================================================================== ================================================= It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." ==================================================================== =============================================== What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? Come on now, it's not hard. ==================================================================== ============================================= A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat." ==================================================================== ============================================= Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to Penny Lane her!" "Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?" ==================================================================== ============================================== A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!" ==================================================================== ============================================= A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" ==================================================================== ============================================== A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." ==================================================================== =============================================== A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!" ==================================================================== ================================================ On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!' ==================================================================== ============================================== This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." ==================================================================== =============================================== Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddahj Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 The hard day getting into heaven----> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Offensive jokes: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian BJ? You know she's going to swallow. _________________________ Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. __________________________ What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall. __________________________ I like my women like I like my bourbon, eighteen years old and mixed up with coke Edited January 25, 2011 by Square Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ______________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up Those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me That I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to Take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer… Always something more Important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for A short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish Cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and Proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 Mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the Weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly Undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now With a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify My age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and Come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she Processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ Copied from here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smithjam Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) I copied from an email. I did a search but I'm not the brightest bulb. My apologies. I deleted the original post. Edited January 30, 2011 by smithjam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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