spain Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Joke Bag: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too." she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Guy comes home and finds his wife packing. "Where are you going?", he says. "I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I just found out that I can get $250 for what I give you for free!" He starts packing too. She says, "Where are you going?" "Vegas," he says. "I want to see how you'll live off of $500 a year!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 After retiring, RocknRobn went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. RR looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. RocknRobn told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So Robn opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed his Social Security application. When RocknRobn got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle. For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A guy goes into a bar after work for a drink. Sits at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there, he looks behind the bar and notices a barrel FILLED with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "Hey, what's the deal with that barrel?". The bartender replies, "Don't even worry about it pal, it's bad news". The man insists to know what the deal with the barrel is. Finally the bartender gives in and tells him, "Ok, to start you need to put your hundred dollar bill in the barrel. First, you have to go fight our bouncer". The bartender points toward the door at a giant bouncer in a black suit. "You have to knock him out in the fight. If you survive that, I'll give you a key to the back room. In that room is a pitbull. You have to bring me out one of the dog's teeth. Then, if you somehow can get through that, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs you must have sex with. If you survive all 3 of those tasks, the entire barrel of money is yours". The man shakes his head and says, "Forget it". A couple of hours go by and the man has had a lot more beers then he intended. Getting up his beer nerves he shouts out and slurs, "I'm going for the barrel!!!" He gets off his bar stool and throws his money in the barrel. Goes to turn around to head towards the bouncer but is so drunk that he trips and falls sending his beer mug sailing through the air which hits the bouncer square in the face knocking him out cold. The entire crowd starts cheering the man on as he manages to get back to his feet. He grabs the key from the bartender and stumbles towards the back room with the pitbull. He closes the door behind him and for the next half hour all the crowd heard was the man screaming and the dog barking and going crazy. Suddenly the noise just stops. Fearing the worst, the bartender begins to walk to the room figuring he will find the man dead. Just then, the door swings open and the man comes out bloody and beaten and with torn clothes he blurts out, "Ok... now where's this old woman who's teeth I have to pull?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A doctor and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says in as stern a voice as possible, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, slamming down her knife and fork. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more big Mercedes in the garage for you and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Rob?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 An old drunk decides to change his ways. He wakes up Sunday from an all night bender and decides he's going to go to church. He walks to the church and finds out they're going to the river for baptisms so he decides to go. They go down to the river and the preacher comes up to him and asks him if he's ready to find God, the drunk says yes. They walk out into the river and the preacher dunks him in the water and pulls him up and asks him "Did you find God?" The drunk replies "No". The preacher dunks him again, pulls him back up and asks him the same question, to wit the drunk replies no again. The preacher is starting to get flustered at this point and dunks him and holds him under for longer this time. He pulls him back up and asks him again "Did you find God?" The drunk replies" Preacher, are sure this is where you lost him ?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 The other night I heard a knock at my door. I answered it to find a six-foot cockroach on my doorstep. It threw me across the room, then it left. I was stunned!! The next night, the doorbell rang again. The same cockroach was standing there. Before I could do anything it punched me in the stomach and left. The following night, the same thing happened and the cockroach kneed me in the groin (stop laughing it bloody hurt!!) and bit me behind my left ear. Yesterday I went to see my doctor to get my injuries treated and asked him, "What can I do?" "Not much," my doctor said. "There's just a nasty bug going around." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar. He announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. But the Texan just shrugs and says, "That's about average down home, folks." "Like I said, My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? "Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So .... how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "17 pounds! " The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Know Your State Motto Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: No, You’re Looking for Hell. It’s Two Doors Down ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Kinda Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: The Chemicals aren’t THAT Bad In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids…We’d Like to Remember Them ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...NOT! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: Experience Sterling and Discover Kansas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People And Only Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: That Drunk Cajun Wackos Thing Is Just Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Warren Buffet Sleeps Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Cover Us Every Four Years…Now Go Away! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Loved The Musical…But It Don’t Sound Like Me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: We Nevah Surrendahed, Sir! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Where Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Mix It Up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Where Nerds Run Free and Caffeinated! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Dick Cheney’s Not Home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 After retiring, RocknRobn went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. RR looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. RocknRobn told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So Robn opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed his Social Security application. When RocknRobn got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too." He is not old enough to collect SS benefits yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Then there was the midget psychic who escaped from jail. A small medium at large. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 More to come later... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 The Russian wrestling team came to America looking to win every match to be played. The largest Russian on the team, a real heavy weight known for creaming all his opponents, had a move called The Mongolian Death-grip. When it was the heavy-weight American’s turn to take on this huge Russian Bear, the coach told him to be careful, and “Whatever happens, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death-grip!†The referee gets the 2 warriors together, bang goes the bell and in less than 30 seconds the American is wrapped into a pretzel, victim of the Mongolian Death-grip. The coach is tremendously disappointed, turns away from the match shaking his head. He knows the poor American is a goner. All of a sudden, the crowd erupts with cheers and applause. The coach turns around and can’t believe his eyes! The American has pinned the Russian and 1, 2, 3 he wins the match! As the American approaches the coach, the coach screams, “Oh my God, how did you get out of the Mongolian Death-grip? No one has every gotten out of that hold before.†The wrestler replies, “Well coach, you see, there I was, all twisted up like a pretzel. I was really hurting, it was tough to breathe and I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer. I looked up and there they were, the biggest set of testicles you have ever seen, only inches away from my mouth. Figuring I had nothing to loose, I just reached up and bit down as hard as I could!†The coach replies, and THAT is how you overpowered the Russian huh? “Yep replied the wrestler. You’d be amazed how much strength you can generate when you bite your own nuts!†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Puddy gets home late one night and his wife, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 How do you piss off a female archeologist? -give her a used tampon and ask her what period its from.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there already. Johnny says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Johnny - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Johnny - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Johnny - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Johnny - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the closet together. Johnny - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Johnny - "I have a Wilson fielders glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?" Johnny - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch. Johnny says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Johnny -"$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. Johnny says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... there's no point in you coming in for that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middleof catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a pe anut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 An American tourist goes on a trip to China While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do?My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGrunt Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 A doctor and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says in as stern a voice as possible, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, slamming down her knife and fork. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more big Mercedes in the garage for you and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Rob?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.