Irish Jokes

[bpwallace49]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

 

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

 

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

 

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

 

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

 

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the

Bloody thing up.

 

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart"

 

 

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

 

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree,then another, then another.

 

 

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

 

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

 

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about"

 

 

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

 

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

 

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

 

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

 

"Here boy" he replies.

 

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

 

 

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

 

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

 

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

 

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

 

…………… ………….. ……………….

 

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats"?

 

 

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat"

[rocknrobn26]

[Bier Meister]

irish walks into bar.

 

 

gil put it there.

[buddahj]

[Chavez]

Fellow walks into a bar in Scotland, local asks him where he's from.

 

"Ah'm from Texas."

 

"Ah, what do ye do there?"

 

"Ah'm in oil, doin' real well. Heck, every mornin', I eat breakfast, then get in mah car, put the gas pedal to the floor, and by lunchtime I still ain't reached the end of mah property."

 

The Scotsman says "ah, lad, I have me a car like that too!"

[BeeR]

Fellow walks into a bar in Scotland, local asks him where he's from.

 

"Ah'm from Texas."

 

"Ah, what do ye do there?"

 

"Ah'm in oil, doin' real well. Heck, every mornin', I eat breakfast, then get in mah car, put the gas pedal to the floor, and by lunchtime I still ain't reached the end of mah property."

 

The Scotsman says "ah, lad, I have me a car like that too!"

Scottish aren't Irish FYI.

[BeeR]

Two Irish married guys are out drinking:

 

One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

 

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a Strawberry Fields Forever?"

 

"She always pretends she's asleep."

 

 

(OK so it's not really an "Irish joke" but neither are the others so phlblblt)

Edited February 15, 2011 by BeeR

[Rovers]

Paddy goes into the confessional.

 

He says "Father, I just can't keep me 'ands off me wife. After 10 years of marriage, I just can't help me'self. She bends over to git some spuds and I have to have 'er right there on the spot."

 

Priest says "Paddy, it's woonderul you still have so much passion for yer wife after ten years of marriage. What's the problem?.'

 

Paddy: "The manager at the food market objects, Father."

[Redfish]

Englishman, Irishman, and a Scot are in a bar. The Limey orders each of them a beer. He looks in his mug and sees a fly. He calls to the bartender, "My good man, there seems to be an insect in my ale. Could I 'ave another?".

 

The Scot looks in his beer and sees a fly as well. He looks around, shrugs his shoulders, and quaffs it in a single pull

 

The Irishman looks in his beer, sees the fly and careens into a screaming rage. He plunges his hand into the mug, pulls out the fly and begins to shake it ferociously, screaming "Give it back!"

[Chavez]

Scottish aren't Irish FYI.

 

 

It's all Celtic.

[BeeR]

Englishman, Irishman, and a Scot are in a bar. The Limey orders each of them a beer. He looks in his mug and sees a fly. He calls to the bartender, "My good man, there seems to be an insect in my ale. Could I 'ave another?".

 

The Scot looks in his beer and sees a fly as well. He looks around, shrugs his shoulders, and quaffs it in a single pull

 

The Irishman looks in his beer, sees the fly and careens into a screaming rage. He plunges his hand into the mug, pulls out the fly and begins to shake it ferociously, screaming "Give it back!"

Now THAT'S an Irish joke!

 

 

It's all Celtic.

Which is relevant because....

 

PS try explaining to a real Irishman or Scot how they're "all the same."

[Rovers]

Englishman, Irishman, and a Scot are in a bar. The Limey orders each of them a beer. He looks in his mug and sees a fly. He calls to the bartender, "My good man, there seems to be an insect in my ale. Could I 'ave another?".

 

The Scot looks in his beer and sees a fly as well. He looks around, shrugs his shoulders, and quaffs it in a single pull

 

The Irishman looks in his beer, sees the fly and careens into a screaming rage. He plunges his hand into the mug, pulls out the fly and begins to shake it ferociously, screaming "Give it back!"

 

Now see, at that point after the Limey asked for another, the Irishman would have thrown his insect into the Limey's beer. You clearly don't understand the whole mick-limey dynamic.

[ray96]

It's all Celtic.

all celtic? are u sure for that??

[Redfish]

Now see, at that point after the Limey asked for another, the Irishman would have thrown his insect into the Limey's beer. You clearly don't understand the whole mick-limey dynamic.

 

I'm half Mick and half Scot, so I just know we are all crazy. And we all hate the Limeys.

[Chavez]

PS try explaining to a real Irishman or Scot how they're "all the same."

 

They all wear them skirts, blow those horrid bagpipes, hate the English, drink a shirt-ton....why sweat the small stuff?