DMD Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Maybe you have not heard one or two of these... ------------------------------------ My wife left me... I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping. When I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "But that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back. ---------------------------------- Interesting Psychological Fact... A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire. Further studies in this area have been canceled. ---------------------------------------- Latest scam, this one is real. Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots of Chicago. Two good looking young women come! up to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself into the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday... ---------------------------- A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary ! Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we do not sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They then looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "! Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." ----------------------------------------------------------------- > When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. > Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. > If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. > Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. > Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent > There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. > There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. > It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. > When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." > Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. > Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. ------------------------------- A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too." ----------------------------- Bob had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the Stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far From humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got Groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on His door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some Local folks. Thank you." As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can Drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely Gonna be some fightin', too." "Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!" "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the Way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us." ------------------------------ The Gun Fighter In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man, who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day, seated at the bar. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?" Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' something' here - got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much" -------------------------------------------- The man was laying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgical procedure. A young, student nurse came in to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, aremy testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his weeener in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The patient pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "Ar e -- m y -- t e s t -- r e s u l t s -- b a c k?" ------------------------------------------------ The Old Poodle A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ------------------------------------------------- These came from a jeep message board. This is a bumpersticker which examines the disdain that Jeepers have for Hummers. --------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biggamer3 Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 (edited) I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "But that's what the beer was for!" this line is gonna be a classic line from now on i count wait to use it on some chick Edited June 20, 2006 by biggamer3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaP'N GRuNGe Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Still one of my favorites... Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuke'em ttg Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 ...every Chuck Norris fact makes ya laugh..... .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nogohawk Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Great ones DMD ... I think I use some of them on my co-workers! on the chili joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRU SOLDJA 22 Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 > When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. > Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. > If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. > Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. > Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent > There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. > There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. > It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. > When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." > Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. > Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, now they are known as the islands. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light, NOT because he's scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can blow a bubble with beef jerky. all time fav : Chuck Norris once got in touch with his feminine side, and got her pregnant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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