Shouldn't the parents step in?

[Azazello1313]

do we know her level of tardness?

 

I am slightly embarrassed I laughed out loud at that.

[detlef]

"confront" the kid? I don't see why it needs to be confrontational. it's a simple matter of saying, "I need you not to call me while I'm at work unless it's some kind of emergency", and telling her she's busy sometimes when the kid wants to come over or whatever. yes, 12 year-olds are often not so great at establishing boundaries by themselves, and they rely on the adults in their lived to help them with that. my point in saying that your wife should talk to her directly is that it can be helpful for the kid's emotional development to sometimes learn stuff like this from people other than her parents. all I'm really trying to say is it might be a good idea to look at the situation and treat her like a young person with her own agency, rather than the kid of those annoying schmucks across the street who don't control their kid.

1) I think just saying we're busy over and over doesn't teach the girl squat. So that seems like a total half-assed solution. The talk that she needs to get is about not constantly pushing the boundaries of what people will tolerate. "Can't today? OK, how 'bout tomorrow? Oh, busy then? What about Thursday?" That sort of thing. That's the lesson she needs to be taught or she's going to push people away.

 

2) Given our suspicions about the fact that she may have a learning disability, I think it's highly reckless to jump into that conversation. You know not the one where we just keep pushing her off until she gets tired of coming by, but actually work on her recognizing what she needs to learn. At least wait until after we've spoken to her parents. That's one I think needs to come from mom and dad.

 

Yet you seem to think that, maybe talk to the parents, but certainly talk to her. And that seems completely backwards.

 

Oh, and if you read a single thing I wrote in this thread and actually thought I would consider "confronting the kid" in the manner you implied...

Edited July 26, 2011 by detlef

[Big Country]

I think I know what happened.

 

 

When she came over the last time, she asked you "Hot enough for ya?"

 

 

Ever since then, you can't stand the sight of her and are trying to push her away.

[BeeR]

I bet this family is black. Irresponsible parenting is a black thing.

 

 

 

 

 

j/k

 

 

To sum up:

 

- neighbor kid hangs out too much @ your place

- parents too lazy/stupid to at least ask if she's overdoing it and/or reel the kid in some

- this sets you/wife up as "the bad guys" if you push the kid away so you're going to approach the Griswalds

- you're still miffed that they didn't do their job as parents

 

Fair?

Edited July 26, 2011 by BeeR

[Square]

To sum up:

 

- neighbor kid hangs out too much @ your place

- parents too lazy/stupid to at least ask if she's overdoing it and/or reel the kid in some

- this sets you/wife up as "the bad guys" if you push the kid away so you're going to approach the Griswalds

- you're still miffed that they didn't do their job as parents

 

Fair?

Hey, we finally found a use for BeeR! He can start an account as Detlef's editor.

[Bier Meister]

Hey, we finally found a use for BeeR! He can start an account as Detlef's editor.

[BeeR]

I have found many uses for beer.

 

And pass.

[McBoog]

I can tell from this you and your wife are both good people. The type you would want for a neighbor.

 

Because of some of the experience I have had professionally, I am going to "twist" this a little.

 

Good people like you can get in a bind very quickly. All it takes is one wrong word, look or wrongly interpreted act and you are suddenly cast in a very different light.

 

That one day that this little girl really "needs" the company of your wife could be the very day that you have to turn her away. No matter how nicely, she could go home very upset, etc. Be it sad, angry, or a vast array of other emotions, a simple, "I didn't like how Mr. and Mrs, Detlef treated me!"

 

Treated you how? What did they do? The course from here could run in many different directions and most of them are not good.

 

I am not saying that you should not associate with the child, BUT you should open an honest line of communication with her parents before any "misunderstandings" could occur. You have to protect yourself. It is a sad reality in a way, but neither are we living in the 50s or 60s anymore. I was looked on VERY suspiciously (and rightly so i guess) by some when I was a childless head coach of a Pop Warner football team. I had one parent ask flat out why I invested so much time if I didn't have a kid involved.

 

All it would take is ONE ugly misunderstanding and suddenly "Mr. Detlef is that old guy that likes to have young girls in his house!"

 

I know that this is not the case and the fact that you are bringing it here and are open about it is evidence that you care about the kid and you don't want to hurt her.

 

You also have to look out for yourself and the Mrs as well.

 

I agree that the parents should be the ones to control and monitor the situation and I guarantee that my kids would not be coming over until I knew darn well who you are and that they weren't being a "bother". But, in this case as it seems to have gone on for a while, the wise choice here is for you to nicely and diplomatically open those lines of communication yourself.

[bpwallace49]

I can tell from this you and your wife are both good people. The type you would want for a neighbor.

 

Because of some of the experience I have had professionally, I am going to "twist" this a little.

 

Good people like you can get in a bind very quickly. All it takes is one wrong word, look or wrongly interpreted act and you are suddenly cast in a very different light.

 

That one day that this little girl really "needs" the company of your wife could be the very day that you have to turn her away. No matter how nicely, she could go home very upset, etc. Be it sad, angry, or a vast array of other emotions, a simple, "I didn't like how Mr. and Mrs, Detlef treated me!"

 

Treated you how? What did they do? The course from here could run in many different directions and most of them are not good.

 

I am not saying that you should not associate with the child, BUT you should open an honest line of communication with her parents before any "misunderstandings" could occur. You have to protect yourself. It is a sad reality in a way, but neither are we living in the 50s or 60s anymore. I was looked on VERY suspiciously (and rightly so i guess) by some when I was a childless head coach of a Pop Warner football team. I had one parent ask flat out why I invested so much time if I didn't have a kid involved.

 

All it would take is ONE ugly misunderstanding and suddenly "Mr. Detlef is that old guy that likes to have young girls in his house!"

 

I know that this is not the case and the fact that you are bringing it here and are open about it is evidence that you care about the kid and you don't want to hurt her.

 

You also have to look out for yourself and the Mrs as well.

 

I agree that the parents should be the ones to control and monitor the situation and I guarantee that my kids would not be coming over until I knew darn well who you are and that they weren't being a "bother". But, in this case as it seems to have gone on for a while, the wise choice here is for you to nicely and diplomatically open those lines of communication yourself.

 

Good stuff here . . .

 

and are you sure she isnt an illegal alien trying to get you to adopt them for some kinda backdoor amnesty? You should ask for papers next time . . . for real.

[McBoog]

Good stuff here . . .

 

and are you sure she isnt an illegal alien trying to get you to adopt them for some kinda backdoor amnesty? You should ask for papers next time . . . for real.

 

[Big Country]

Good stuff here . . .

 

and are you sure she isnt an illegal alien trying to get you to adopt them for some kinda backdoor amnesty? You should ask for papers next time . . . for real.

 

 

And that is a euphemism for ......

[bpwallace49]

And that is a euphemism for ......

 

Take it as you will.

 

And deeply probe what you know of detlef.

[detlef]

And that is a euphemism for ......

Sometimes it's a good idea to stop and think about the subject in question and then ask oneself "Should I make this joke or not?"

 

Just sayin'

[detlef]

I can tell from this you and your wife are both good people. The type you would want for a neighbor.

Because of some of the experience I have had professionally, I am going to "twist" this a little.

 

Good people like you can get in a bind very quickly. All it takes is one wrong word, look or wrongly interpreted act and you are suddenly cast in a very different light.

 

That one day that this little girl really "needs" the company of your wife could be the very day that you have to turn her away. No matter how nicely, she could go home very upset, etc. Be it sad, angry, or a vast array of other emotions, a simple, "I didn't like how Mr. and Mrs, Detlef treated me!"

 

Treated you how? What did they do? The course from here could run in many different directions and most of them are not good.

 

I am not saying that you should not associate with the child, BUT you should open an honest line of communication with her parents before any "misunderstandings" could occur. You have to protect yourself. It is a sad reality in a way, but neither are we living in the 50s or 60s anymore. I was looked on VERY suspiciously (and rightly so i guess) by some when I was a childless head coach of a Pop Warner football team. I had one parent ask flat out why I invested so much time if I didn't have a kid involved.

 

All it would take is ONE ugly misunderstanding and suddenly "Mr. Detlef is that old guy that likes to have young girls in his house!"

 

I know that this is not the case and the fact that you are bringing it here and are open about it is evidence that you care about the kid and you don't want to hurt her.

 

You also have to look out for yourself and the Mrs as well.

 

I agree that the parents should be the ones to control and monitor the situation and I guarantee that my kids would not be coming over until I knew darn well who you are and that they weren't being a "bother". But, in this case as it seems to have gone on for a while, the wise choice here is for you to nicely and diplomatically open those lines of communication yourself.

In full disclosure, I do have vegetables planted in my front yard. I just want to get that much out in the open.

 

Thanks for the response and, trust me, all of that has crossed our mind. Unfortunate, really, in the same way you can't give out cookies at Halloween anymore. But it is the way it is.

 

Diana tried to call yesterday but couldn't get a hold of mom. The kid stopped by again yesterday evening insisting "I just wanted to say 'hi'". She grilled me on when the next time would be cool for a visit, asked if she could come by and feed the dogs in the morning, and I had to put my foot down there.

 

"Assume all mornings are out. If you and Diana make plans to go to the market or something, that's fine. But mornings are our time."

 

Progress, but still half-assed IMO. It doesn't address the core issue. Because, sure, we can carve out certain times where it's absolutely not cool, but, unless we address the main issue, that just means we can 100% on having her show up each and every moment that is not strictly crossed off. And that's not really the point.