Some St. Patrick's Day Jokes For You

[Chargerz]

Enjoy! Happy St. Paddy's Day!

 

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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name.. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.

Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

 

***********************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

 

************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

 

**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

 

**************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..'

 

**************************************************************

 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

[cre8tiff]

[The Holy Roller]

 

[Big John]

I was reading "Paddy" as "Puddy"

[Hugh 0ne]

I was reading "Paddy" as "Puddy"

 

Q: How many Puddy's does it take to change a tire?

 

A: Two: one to call AAA and one to whine about the grease on his skirt.

[Hugh 0ne]

Puddy's story:

 

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

 

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

 

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

 

It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.

 

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

 

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

 

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

 

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

[T_bone65]

Puddy's story:

 

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

 

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

 

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

 

It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.

 

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

 

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

 

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

 

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

 

[i_am_the_swammi]

Why was my joke deleted? I ask, not to complain, but to understand what I did wrong.

 

maybe it just wasn't funny

[Hugh 0ne]

Why was my joke deleted? I ask, not to complain, but to understand what I did wrong.

 

Post it again.

[Double Agent]

Why was my joke deleted? I ask, not to complain, but to understand what I did wrong.

 

There's nothing funny about cancer and the Holocaust.

[irish]

Post it again.

 

OK...

 

LordOpie's St. Paddy's Day joke-

 

Q: What's the difference between St. Paddy's day and Cinco de Mayo?

 

A: No one wants to be "Irish"

 

 

No worries LordOp, what's funny is funny. I understand why those who went ahead and deleted this originally did, however, it's funny stuff.

 

 

 

ETA: Happy St. Paddy's day to all.

Edited March 17, 2009 by irish

[Jimmy Neutron]

Had to add my favorite Irish joke:

 

The French President is sitting in his office when his

telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice

said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County

Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are

officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the

Lisbon treaty!'

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied,

 

'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's

calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next

door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the

pub. That makes eleven!'

 

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have

100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr.

 

Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some

infantry equipment!'

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozyasks.

 

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and

Murphy's farm tractor.'

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I

have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll

have to get back to you.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

 

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get

ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's

ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and

four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his

throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers

and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by

laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we

last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will

have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top

o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform

you that we have had to call off the war.'

 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy.

'Why the sudden change of heart?'

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a

few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided

there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Chargerz]

 

Good one, Jimmy!!!

[The Holy Roller]

Good one, Jimmy!!!

 

Indeed, indeed!

[SheikYerbuti]

An older Irishman walks into a bar he's never been in before and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He sits at the bar and takes a sip out of the first one, then a sip of the second, then a sip of the third. He repeats this until all 3 beers are gone. The next week he comes back and again orders 3 beers. Remembering him from the week before, the bartender says "You know, if you order those one at a time they'll be colder, and won't lose the head". The Irishman says "Excellent advice, my good man, but my 2 brothers have moved away. . .one to America and one to England. We've agreed to all drink this way in honor of each other, so that no matter how far apart we are, we'll always share a round of beers in spirit."

 

And so this continued for years, until one night the man came in and only ordered 2 beers and began alternating sips between the 2 pints. The bartender, seeing this, goes over to the man and says "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss." The man was confused for a minute and then realized what the bartender meant. "Ooooh, no. It's not that at all. You see, my doctor has told me to quit drinking so I've had to cut myself out of my regular night out with my brothers".

[Hugh 0ne]

Good one, Jimmy!!!

 

No doubt.