theprofessor Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 That, just because I don't come home crying over how effed up my week was, doesn't mean that I don't give a crap. It's just that I've just gotten dragged through the drama and crap and don't have any more to give. I've done what could be done about it and now have to hope my decisions pan out. But there's nothing more I can do about once I leave it for the day. That I don't want to relive it just so she's in the loop. Because I don't have what it takes to do it. I can relate to these feelings as I feel the same way much of the time. Without boring you with the details, I live a life where I have a ton of responsibility with various family issue's, as well as working in a high pressured sales environment. There are many times where I just feel overwhelmed and when I probably should talk to my wife so I can get the support that I need, instead, I shut down and internalize it. Because honestly I don't want to discuss it as sometimes it adds to my feelings of being overwhelmed and sometimes I hate regurgitating the same thing verbally that in my mind I've already dealt with and have decidied how I will handle it. If that makes sense? I think there are times and situations when it's OK to hold things close to the vest and times when I would feel lost and alone if I couldn't bring it to my wife and get the support I need. More times that not, I feel better after going to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I should preface this post by saying I am a problem solver....my first reaction to difficult news is not, "OMG the sky is falling!!" My first reaction is to dissect a problem and figure out a way to weather it and/or make it work. And to be prepared in case the worst happens. Being a woman, I cannot disagree with most of you that women and men tend to think differently. But don't make the mistake of lumping ALL men or ALL women into the same behaviors. You chose your life partners for various reasons and YES....you are partners and should both be informed on big decisions/worries, etc. BUT......it's incredibly naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. If you've found that in your relationship, you are INCREDIBLY lucky....congrats! But for most people, there is usually a need to find another good friend to bounce some things off of once in a while. It doesn't mean you don't eventually discuss it with your SO....it just means you have someone else who you trust and has some insight that you can tell your worries/anger/hopes/solutions to. One who doesn't just slough it off and say, "it'll be alright....you're worrying about nothing." One who doesn't create MORE worry for you. One who can be supportive and offer true advice and helps you put things in perspective before you lay it on your spouse. Most of the time it's not the actual news that rattles your partner, it's the way you present it. If you haven't sought out a good friend to help you organize your thoughts about whatever is bothering you, it may tend to come out more panicky and dire than you intended (or really is) to your spouse. Hence the reactions a lot of you are getting. Don't get me wrong here....it's absolutely true that some people just don't handle bad news or change well. If that's the case then you REALLY need to gather your thoughts and fortitude before you sit them down and tell them.....lol. You can also try steering the conversation to let them know you expect some constructive input from them.....not just emotional panic. You aren't trying to "share" the worry, you're trying to share the solution and outcome so you can feel like you weathered it together. Just my two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEC=UGA Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I should preface this post by saying I am a problem solver....my first reaction to difficult news is not, "OMG the sky is falling!!" My first reaction is to dissect a problem and figure out a way to weather it and/or make it work. And to be prepared in case the worst happens. Being a woman, I cannot disagree with most of you that women and men tend to think differently. But don't make the mistake of lumping ALL men or ALL women into the same behaviors. You chose your life partners for various reasons and YES....you are partners and should both be informed on big decisions/worries, etc. BUT......it's incredibly naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. If you've found that in your relationship, you are INCREDIBLY lucky....congrats! But for most people, there is usually a need to find another good friend to bounce some things off of once in a while. It doesn't mean you don't eventually discuss it with your SO....it just means you have someone else who you trust and has some insight that you can tell your worries/anger/hopes/solutions to. One who doesn't just slough it off and say, "it'll be alright....you're worrying about nothing." One who doesn't create MORE worry for you. One who can be supportive and offer true advice and helps you put things in perspective before you lay it on your spouse. Most of the time it's not the actual news that rattles your partner, it's the way you present it. If you haven't sought out a good friend to help you organize your thoughts about whatever is bothering you, it may tend to come out more panicky and dire than you intended (or really is) to your spouse. Hence the reactions a lot of you are getting. Don't get me wrong here....it's absolutely true that some people just don't handle bad news or change well. If that's the case then you REALLY need to gather your thoughts and fortitude before you sit them down and tell them.....lol. You can also try steering the conversation to let them know you expect some constructive input from them.....not just emotional panic. You aren't trying to "share" the worry, you're trying to share the solution and outcome so you can feel like you weathered it together. Just my two cents. A lot more rational than what I would expect from a woman... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 A lot more rational than what I would expect from a woman... And this is why I never would have married YOU. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muck Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 An addendum to my earlier post: * Get the perspective of a friend who knows you well. * Get the perspective of a subject matter expert. * Tell your spouse the situation and the suggestions of the friend and the subject matter expert. If you've been keeping her generally up to speed along the way, she should be able to be helpful to you. Muckette knows nothing about running an investment company, but I've been amazed at how excellent she is at getting to the heart of an issue and helping me think through it. Even when the situation is really not any fun. That's not to say she's not emotional or a worrier from time to time, she is (like we all can be), but if we end up living in a cardboard box somewhere because something (or a string of somethings) went horribly wrong, I'd want her to be with me, not by myself. And, I figure that if 'we' are making the big decisions and she (or I) never feel blind-sided by something (that's not health related), we're going to be just fine. ...again, I may tell my story some day. Today isn't that day. Good luck to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Lots of good posts in this thread! Muck is wise......and incredibly blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEC=UGA Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 And this is why I never would have married YOU. A LOT more rational than what I would expect from a woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrumjuice Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 It's simple, detlef need to adopt a baby and learn what real problems are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 And this is why I never would have married YOU. That and the fact he's a toothless banjo-playing hillbilly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEC=UGA Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 That and the fact he's a toothless banjo-playing hillbilly. I still have my molars. You wanna sit on my lap while I pick out a tune for ya, sweet cheeks? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrumjuice Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 have you told her that sometimes, she needs to be the rock to anchor you to shore If I let my life partner be my rock, I'd end up homeless and addicted to heroin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Lots of good posts in this thread! Muck is wise......and incredibly blessed. Was that you that came on to him at that bar that time? I was wondering if he told the truth about the way that ended up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 BUT......it's incredibly naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. Naivety is in the eye of the beholder I would say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Naivety is in the eye of the beholder I would say. Are you saying that she is naive saying Muck is blessed because she hasn't held enough? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Are you saying that she is naive saying Muck is blessed because she hasn't held enough? No... I am saying that she is wrong that it is naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. It is possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramhock Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I do the worrying & its only about finances. She pays the bills, so knows where we stand. What helps me is when I hear her laugh from another room. So just keep placing her favorite sitcom DVD in the player. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 No... I am saying that she is wrong that it is naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. It is possible. I agree completely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furd Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Sticking to personal matters. I will never, ever willingly seek reassurance from, or demonstrate self-doubt to, my wife, friends or family. Talking about those topics with them is not going to be a productive excercise, for them or me. I have at times sought invaluable professional counseling from which I have learned a great deal. I recommend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 No... I am saying that she is wrong that it is naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. It is possible. Which is why I followed it up with this statement, because I know it IS possible for some. If you've found that in your relationship, you are INCREDIBLY lucky....congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Was that you that came on to him at that bar that time? I was wondering if he told the truth about the way that ended up. Muck and I did meet for a beer when he came through Columbus. We talked business and FF and I'm certain no one 'came on' to anyone. I hope you were just making a joke, Perch. I was only trying to say that Sky and Muck and HR are incredibly lucky to have found someone that CAN be everything to them.....confidante, helpmate, financial wizard, strong shoulder, best friend, lover, wife and whatever other label they need to assume. I think you can see by this thread that this situation is the minority, not the norm. Every relationship is unique because the partners are unique. I used the word naive because I think everyone goes into marriage thinking this is what they've found. Most find down the road that they need a different person to talk to sometimes about life circumstances, etc. Counselor, best friend, business friend, sister, Dad.....whoever. NOT necessarily instead of their spouse...just someone to help them get a handle on it before they talk to their spouse. Like I said before......just my two cents. A different perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 "If you've found that in your relationship, you are INCREDIBLY lucky....congrats!" Yes....yes you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Sticking to personal matters. I will never, ever willingly seek reassurance from, or demonstrate self-doubt to, my wife, friends or family. Talking about those topics with them is not going to be a productive excercise, for them or me. I have at times sought invaluable professional counseling from which I have learned a great deal. I recommend it. And this is why I don't usually join in on these type of discussions. I never, ever, willingly sought reassurance from anyone other than my wife. Had no problem showing self-doubt to her either. She was the same with me. Talking about those topics with her was refreshing and always productive. It appears that there are few here that enjoy that kind of relationship with their wife...and that is alien to me. I couldn't imagine a life with someone that not only didn't have my back, but to whom I couldn't talk openly with about any subject any time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 No... I am saying that she is wrong that it is naive to believe that one person can be absolutely everything to you. It is possible. I agree completely. make it one more on this bus And this is why I don't usually join in on these type of discussions. I never, ever, willingly sought reassurance from anyone other than my wife. Had no problem showing self-doubt to her either. She was the same with me. Talking about those topics with her was refreshing and always productive. It appears that there are few here that enjoy that kind of relationship with their wife...and that is alien to me. I couldn't imagine a life with someone that not only didn't have my back, but to whom I couldn't talk openly with about any subject any time. agree, 100% Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furd Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) And this is why I don't usually join in on these type of discussions. I never, ever, willingly sought reassurance from anyone other than my wife. Had no problem showing self-doubt to her either. She was the same with me. Talking about those topics with her was refreshing and always productive. It appears that there are few here that enjoy that kind of relationship with their wife...and that is alien to me. I couldn't imagine a life with someone that not only didn't have my back, but to whom I couldn't talk openly with about any subject any time. Well, I don't think that you understood what I was trying to say. This has nothing to do with my wife - a wonderful, educated, well meaning, compassionate woman who more than "has my back" and would discuss anything with me for as long as I wanted to discuss it. Or my friends or family, who, for the most part anyway, would do the same. Its about what you are looking for and the process of finding it. The issues that I had/have were only resolved by talking to a professional. I probably could talk to my wife, your wife, my friends, your friends until doomsday and not have reached the understandings that I have today. Its simply not possible, as they lack the knowledge and skill to have done so. So while talking to others may help me on a temporary and perhaps superficial level, I needed something a little more to sort out and adjust things. I think that you do people a disservice if you suggest that there is something wrong with their marriage or their spouse if they do not feel comfortable or do not desire to discuss certain issues with them. Everyone's situation is different. Edited January 25, 2011 by Furd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think that you do people a disservice if you suggest that there is something wrong with their marriage or their spouse if they do not feel comfortable or do not desire to discuss certain issues with them. Everyone's situation is different. I tried very hard to NOT say that there was something wrong with their marriage. I know that every situation is different. I know that every marriage is different. I was just responding to your statement. I just couldn't have lived in a marriage the way others do is all. Totally alien to me...other people's marriages. Just impossible for me to give marriage advice to anyone ever...or answer questions about marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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