Question for Parents

[Menudo]

Tell her to get out there and score a few goals and proceed to show off her bicep everytime she does something good.

 

(I'm talking to you Santonio. Hey Sailor! New in town????)

 

That was so fricken annoying. I really hope he stops that....quickly.

[Menudo]

I think you were a bit too harsh. I think the first thing you should have done is told her that you were a bit disappointed by her effort in the game, and asked if something was bothering her (couldn't concentrate, not feeling well, etc.) Then tell her that you will always be proud of her just for having the guts to play sports, but, it is hard for you to watch her, knowing that she isn't putting her best effort in. I definitely think you went too far with the grandparents threat, but, live and learn.

 

By the way, I'm not putting you down in anyway for what I consider mistakes that you made. My dad was very hard on me with sports. It all came from a good place, as he knew how much sports meant to me. He put in hour after hour pitching to me, throwing football with me, or getting wrestlers and coaches to help me become a better wrestler. There was nothing he wouldn't do, as he knew how much it meant to me. However, he was very tough on me when he felt I wasn't meeting my potential or giving my best effort. He would often later apologize for being so hard on me, but, would tell me that it is so difficult for him to not comment, when he sees me not giving it my all. He said he knew how bad I wanted success, and he knew I wouldn't achieve it if I didn't give 100% each time out there. All in all, I know he meant well, but, I want to learn from his mistakes, as well as, learn from the great things he did. I want to be there to support my child and give him constructive criticism, but, try to do so without hurting his feelings, as my Dad did mine.....often. I know how difficult this is going to be, and I'm guessing I will make mistakes along the way as well.

 

Writing this post and asking for opinions shows that you care. Read people's thought and opinions and learn from it

[Jimmy Neutron]

"Disappointed" is a big word to drop on a kid. I'd save that for the real screw-ups. I think it's OK to talk about her performance, but I'd start with a question like, "How do you think you played today?" Maybe she wasn't feeling well, had her feelings hurt about something so she wasn't focused....

[Czarina]

"Disappointed" is a big word to drop on a kid. I'd save that for the real screw-ups. I think it's OK to talk about her performance, but I'd start with a question like, "How do you think you played today?" Maybe she wasn't feeling well, had her feelings hurt about something so she wasn't focused....

Exactly. IMO it should never really be about "you" the parent. That just tells me that your ego was bruised because your daughter wasn't dominating the game "as usual."

[Brewer]

I think you were too harsh.

 

I've coached youth soccer for about 20 years (excepting a brief hiatus when my first son was born, until he was old enough to play).

 

Every child has an off game. At least once a season, a team will have an off game. For whatever reason, they don't move well, don't hustle, make silly mistakes, etc.

 

I call my team (and my children) on this when it happens. I clearly tell them that it's obvious that they did not give their best effort. I would never tell a child I was disappointed in them and I would never tell my child that if they aren't going to try harder, I'll tell their grandparents to not bother coming to see them. Put bluntly, your saying this was an over-reaction and I think you owe your daughter an apology.

 

I would say that I was disappointed in her effort (note: Their is a subtle, but significant difference in being disappointed in your child vs disappointed in her effort) because I know that she can do so much better. I would also let her know that it's normal to have an off game once in awhile. I would then tell my child how lucky she is to have a second game today in which her grandparents are attending to so that she can show what a great soccer player she is. In saying things this way, I let my child know that it was clear that she didn't give her best effort while at the same time providing encouragement/praise for the player I know my child is.

 

+1 I'm coaching a girls U10 team this fall. If I see a lack of effort, I take her out of the game, and then ask her if she knows why she came out. They almost always do. Give them a few minutes, put them back in and see the difference. The kids usually realize when someone is taken out for lack of effot. The embarassment with their team mates is usually enough.

 

I would have left the grandparents out of it. They aren't a bargining chip or form of punishment. If they are disappointed in something that their grandchild did, then they can tell the kid.

[chiefjay]

Wow this hits pretty close to home. I have an 8 year old that plays hockey and has a tremendous amount of potential and quite frankly is pretty darn good right now. (insert Grits comment here) He's big, fast and strong but at times he's lazy and doesn't try hard although this year he's more consistant with his effort.

 

I've been much harder on him in the past then what Perch talked about but saying similar things. "I don't care if you lose, make mistakes, etc... all I want you to do is try hard, skate hard, etc..." , as long as you do that then we're good but when you don't then I won't be happy and I won't say "you played a good game" which is what they want to hear sometimes.

 

But over the years I have learned some things. Yes years as he's been playing since about 4 and I have two older boys. I realize now that he's not going to be on his "A" game every time out, practice or games because yes I expect good effort at practice too. I realize that he is 6,7, and now 8 years old as Darin stated and I also realize he's not going to be Gretzky or Crosby or Lidstrom.

 

What I've learned most though is the way to communicate. A nice discussion about his effort, maybe some of the things he could have done better, the level of effort and speed he played with today, etc... Doing this over an ice cream or slurpee.

 

He definately reacts better to that then my yelling at him. Yes I've done that before and regretted it afterwards.

 

It's hard, in today's society where a lot of things are, "did you have fun, well that's all that matters" I'm not in to that soley. I expect a solid effort. In hockey, soccer, baseball, whatever other sport or activity and most importantly school work and behavior. Yes a big part is having fun, them wanted to go to practice and games and heck maybe even go in the backyard and shoot pucks or hoops or balls or whatever.

 

Kids sports, gotta love it.

[SteelBunz]

Andrew! You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! You're intensity is for sht! Win! Win! Win!

I'm gonna tape your bunz together.

[chiefjay]

I think you were a bit too harsh. I think the first thing you should have done is told her that you were a bit disappointed by her effort in the game, and asked if something was bothering her (couldn't concentrate, not feeling well, etc.) Then tell her that you will always be proud of her just for having the guts to play sports, but, it is hard for you to watch her, knowing that she isn't putting her best effort in. I definitely think you went too far with the grandparents threat, but, live and learn.

 

By the way, I'm not putting you down in anyway for what I consider mistakes that you made. My dad was very hard on me with sports. It all came from a good place, as he knew how much sports meant to me. He put in hour after hour pitching to me, throwing football with me, or getting wrestlers and coaches to help me become a better wrestler. There was nothing he wouldn't do, as he knew how much it meant to me. However, he was very tough on me when he felt I wasn't meeting my potential or giving my best effort. He would often later apologize for being so hard on me, but, would tell me that it is so difficult for him to not comment, when he sees me not giving it my all. He said he knew how bad I wanted success, and he knew I wouldn't achieve it if I didn't give 100% each time out there. All in all, I know he meant well, but, I want to learn from his mistakes, as well as, learn from the great things he did. I want to be there to support my child and give him constructive criticism, but, try to do so without hurting his feelings, as my Dad did mine.....often. I know how difficult this is going to be, and I'm guessing I will make mistakes along the way as well.

 

Writing this post and asking for opinions shows that you care. Read people's thought and opinions and learn from it

 

Your post is interesting Menudo. I find myself being like your dad sometimes.

 

Let me ask you a couple of questions to help me a bit better.

 

I assume you appreciated the type of feedback he gave you in terms of your effort or technique or what not but you wish he would have done so in a different manner? Is that accurate?

 

One more thing, if he would have been more even keel, level headed about all of those items do you think you still would have been as good an athlete or in the long run does it not matter because none of us are pros?

 

Lastlly, did his rough style help you achieve successes in other parts of your life, mainly your work life?

 

Kind of heavy questions. Just curious your thoughts.

[Menudo]

Your post is interesting Menudo. I find myself being like your dad sometimes.

 

Let me ask you a couple of questions to help me a bit better.

 

I assume you appreciated the type of feedback he gave you in terms of your effort or technique or what not but you wish he would have done so in a different manner? Is that accurate?

 

Very accurate. He would get angry and the disappointment was all over his face. The timing always sucked too, as he would handle it pretty quickly after the match or game. I wish he would have waited a while and then had a discussion about it. He knew how much it meant to me to not only to do well for myself, but, to make him proud. I loved him more than anything and strived to put that proud smile on his face. When he got upset with me, it hurt my feelings. Just a note on this, this is a guy that, years earlier when I wasn't any good, would celebrate a 4th place trophy. However, when I got good and he got used to 1st place trophies, 2nd place was never good enough, and I knew it. If I gave the effort, but still lost, he wouldn't lecture me, but, he couldn't hide the disappointment.

 

One more thing, if he would have been more even keel, level headed about all of those items do you think you still would have been as good an athlete or in the long run does it not matter because none of us are pros?

 

This is a tough one for me. I definitely over-achieved. I wasn't that athletic. I wasn't slow, but, certainly didn't have great speed. I didn't have hops or natural athleticism. I worked for everything I got, and ended up as the MVP of my high school football & wrestling team. I was all-state in wrestling and the captain of my D3 college football team. Not phenomenal accomplishments, but, for me, I think I hit my ceiling of what I could get to. Now, to determine whether his attitude towards me helped, that is a tough one. I would say what helped more was the fact that he was never too busy to work with me on sports or anything else that I wanted to improve in. He would go to any length necessary to help. I guess his pushing me had a positive influence, because I did work hard, mostly for myself, but, I'd be lying if I didn't say that making him proud wasn't another motivation. I still think he could have accomplished those things, without hurting my feeling so much when I was young.

 

Lastlly, did his rough style help you achieve successes in other parts of your life, mainly your work life?

 

Another tough question. My dad definitely help mold the person I am, no doubt about that. However, as to his rough style with me, it's hard for me to say. I wish I could give you a more clear answer, but, I just don't know. I know that when I got older, my Dad always told me that he wished he would have been able to hold back his comments and wouldn't have been so tough on me. Easier said than done though, and I worry that I could fall into the same trap.

 

Kind of heavy questions. Just curious your thoughts.