This IS funny....

[rocknrobn26]

Long read but worth it IMHO...

 

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami

Herald.

 

 

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the

colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one

point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,

reassuring and patient manner.

 

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,

because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription

for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to

hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now

suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of

America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In

accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;

all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of

powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with

lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is

about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes

about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like

a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may

experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,

but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the

MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you

wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much

confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink

another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your

bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have

not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing

occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if

I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like

that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood

and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led

me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a

little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you

put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually

naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was

already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in

their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I

pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to

the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You

would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,

where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not

see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there

somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

 

 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began

hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that

could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had

to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading

for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because

I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was

yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next

moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and

that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder

of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite

humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments

made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

there?'

[cliaz]

...as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

That's about right. Lord, I hate getting these done. But when you are done, you get to sit in a waiting area to be released and there are other people in there with you. You kind of sit there for a while farting up a storm with other complete strangers. It was funny as hell to see women try to hold them in and you get that machine gunfire fart. That's awesome. Farts are so freaking funny, I don't care what anyone says. A good fart with power and force is a hilarious sound. I like lesbians, too.

[HowboutthemCowboys]

that's awesome!

[BeeR]

That's about right. Lord, I hate getting these done. But when you are done, you get to sit in a waiting area to be released and there are other people in there with you. You kind of sit there for a while farting up a storm with other complete strangers. It was funny as hell to see women try to hold them in and you get that machine gunfire fart. That's awesome. Farts are so freaking funny, I don't care what anyone says. A good fart with power and force is a hilarious sound. I like lesbians, too.

lmao

 

I missed that because I told them I was fine to drive and they were stupid enough to believe me. I don't remember driving but although I had arranged for the rest of the day off, I was so stoned I drove back to work. Funny to me now but boy was I pissed at the time, esp because I knew there was no way I could drive all the way home at the time. I mostly dozed off either at my desk or in the john.

[buddahj]

That's about right. Lord, I hate getting these done. But when you are done, you get to sit in a waiting area to be released and there are other people in there with you. You kind of sit there for a while farting up a storm with other complete strangers. It was funny as hell to see women try to hold them in and you get that machine gunfire fart. That's awesome. Farts are so freaking funny, I don't care what anyone says. A good fart with power and force is a hilarious sound. I like lesbians, too.

You make me laugh.

[Square]

When are you supposed to get these done again? 50? Please god don't say 40. Someone help me out with how much longer I can ignore the fact that sooner or later I have to do one of these.

[cliaz]

When are you supposed to get these done again? 50? Please god don't say 40. Someone help me out with how much longer I can ignore the fact that sooner or later I have to do one of these.

 

 

Depending on family history really. That's why I got 'em in my 30s. It's not so bad. The bad parts are the prepping for it. When you go in to actually have the camera inserted, you get ready, they say they are administering the drug....and then you wake up and it feels like no time at all has passed.

[Square]

Depending on family history really. That's why I got 'em in my 30s. It's not so bad. The bad parts are the prepping for it. When you go in to actually have the camera inserted, you get ready, they say they are administering the drug....and then you wake up and it feels like no time at all has passed.

Hmm... I don't know of any family history. Damn it, I turn 31 in less than 4 weeks. I was really hoping I had a decade or better. The article was funny though. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

[bpwallace49]

That's about right. Lord, I hate getting these done. But when you are done, you get to sit in a waiting area to be released and there are other people in there with you. You kind of sit there for a while farting up a storm with other complete strangers. It was funny as hell to see women try to hold them in and you get that machine gunfire fart. That's awesome. Farts are so freaking funny, I don't care what anyone says. A good fart with power and force is a hilarious sound. I like lesbians, too.

 

[cliaz]

Hmm... I don't know of any family history. Damn it, I turn 31 in less than 4 weeks. I was really hoping I had a decade or better. The article was funny though. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

If you don't have a family history and your internal medicine doctor doesn't see a reason why you need one, you shouldn't have to get one before age 40. Though, I highly, HIGHLY recommend getting at least one in your 30s. Colon cancer is a sneaky one. And since it can easily metastasis to your lymph nodes, prostate, testicles, liver, pancreas, and (usually) right lung before moderate to severe symptoms show, you should make a habit of getting one done every 2 to 3 years regardless. More so if you do not eat a lot of fiber and do eat a lot of meats and processed foods. Alcohol too.

 

Plus, you get to take a day off to crap your soul out then go to an office where five people are paid to root around in your turd cutter. I mean, seriously, they might be a doctor, an anesthesiologist, and a couple of nurses but ultimately, they deal with sh!t and buttholes.

 

The anesthesiologist I have had for my three is hilarious. The first time, when he was injecting me with the knockout juice, he made an off comment about just like in prison. The second time he bet me $100 i couldn't count to 10 after he administered the knockout juice. I remember hitting the number 4 and then waking up with a scrape of paper on my bed that was an IOU for $100 from me to the practice (obvious joke).

[cdrudge]

I was going to send this to a co-worker after a conversation about cystoscopy the other day and wanted to send the original article. The original article has more content, mostly more serious in nature, but still is a good thing to read if you are trying to get someone stubborn to go have the procedure.

[keggerz]

i have NOT read this yet but I will say this, THERE IS NOTHING FUN OR FUNNY about a colonoscopy...well actually the prep is the tough part...I slept thru mine like a baby

Edited February 24, 2010 by keggerz

[Chargerz]

When are you supposed to get these done again? 50? Please god don't say 40. Someone help me out with how much longer I can ignore the fact that sooner or later I have to do one of these.

I recommend the first colonoscopy (or sigmoidoscopy) at age 50 unless there are risk factors for colon cancer (positive family history; past history of polyps, etc.). The time interval for ensuing scopes is ten years unless polyps or other abnormal findings are seen with the first one.

[Square]

I recommend the first colonoscopy (or sigmoidoscopy) at age 50 unless there are risk factors for colon cancer (positive family history; past history of polyps, etc.). The time interval for ensuing scopes is ten years unless polyps or other abnormal findings are seen with the first one.

So once at 50 and if its ok, you have another at 60? That's not so bad. I'm sure it sucks but that wouldn't be so bad. Besides, they might have better drugs in 20 years.

[cliaz]

A soothing salve such as petroleum jelly applied after cleaning the anus will improve patient comfort.

 

All kidding aside, this is a good wiki on It

[Controller]

I recommend the first colonoscopy (or sigmoidoscopy) at age 50 unless there are risk factors for colon cancer (positive family history; past history of polyps, etc.). The time interval for ensuing scopes is ten years unless polyps or other abnormal findings are seen with the first one.

 

Hey Doc,

 

Any idea if people who have skin tags (e.g. in armpits) are more likely to have polyps in their colons? I had several skin tags removed several years ago, and now worry that there is a connection.

[cliaz]

Hey Doc,

 

Any idea if people who have skin tags (e.g. in armpits) are more likely to have polyps in their colons? I had several skin tags removed several years ago, and now worry that there is a connection.

 

 

An interesting question. I wouldn't imagine there would be an increased likelihood since the cells in the colon and the skin are different but I am not a doctor. I did a search and couldn't find anything really significant.

 

I developed my first ever skin tab about 3 months again. I thought I had a wart and went to the doctors and he told me it was a skin tag.

[bpwallace49]

Hey Doc,

 

Any idea if people who have skin tags (e.g. in armpits) are more likely to have polyps in their colons? I had several skin tags removed several years ago, and now worry that there is a connection.

 

Seriously asking ,. . . how does armpit skin tags make you worry about your colon?

[cliaz]

Seriously asking ,. . . how does armpit skin tags make you worry about your colon?

 

 

If the body is susceptible to abnormal growths, such as a skin tag, then it is possible that a polyp may develop elsewhere. I'm assuming that is the logic he went by.

[Clubfoothead]

Pretty much nailed it. Amazingly enough, colon surgery is done through the abdomen, just below the belly button. You can still see the 3 scars from the scope. Fortunately for guys, the old treasure trail will cover the scar from just below yer belly button to just above your junk. Not really a viabel alternative for the ladies.

[Chargerz]

Hey Doc,

 

Any idea if people who have skin tags (e.g. in armpits) are more likely to have polyps in their colons? I had several skin tags removed several years ago, and now worry that there is a connection.

There is no connection.

[Controller]

If the body is susceptible to abnormal growths, such as a skin tag, then it is possible that a polyp may develop elsewhere. I'm assuming that is the logic he went by.

 

Yes, that was my thinking. Also, I read somewhere that some preliminary research in this area seemed to find the possibility of a connection, but now I can't find where I read that.

[Big John]

Just had my first colonoscopy today. Had the MoviPrep too and my rear end was nuclear.

 

At the room, it was rap music. But no sedation since I didn't have anyone to look over me, so I was awake for the procedure. Once the doctor started inserting the tube, it was only about 15 minutes until he finished and finished removing it. It felt funny but otherwise it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

 

And there was a TV monitor where I could see the image of the camera. Looked odd and did not feel the same way the pictures were indicating.

 

But he took a couple polyps and will get the results in a couple weeks.

[Chargerz]

But he took a couple polyps and will get the results in a couple weeks.

I'll be praying that they're both benign.

[rocknrobn26]

Good luck on your final results.

BTW...this post is useless w/o pics.