15 year old nephew coming to live with us

[paulzale]

I have seen some helpful stuff posted here, so I decided to put this out there and see what kind of advice I can get, since I have ZERO experience in this!

 

My wife and I are around 40 without any kids of our own. We have pretty big families on both sides that live about 2 hours away from us. My wife's youngest sister (still about our age) is in the National Guard. She has volunteered to go to Haiti and is supposed to be called up for active in October/November for a 1 year stint in Afghanistan. She has 3 kids, 1 is 17 and in high school, but lives with another aunt and uncle. The other is 19 and just graduated and will be going to college this fall. The youngest is 15 and he stayed with us for 2 weeks this summer while she was on her 2 week summer training. We discussed his living with us when she leaves this winter and told her we would like to discuss it with her more and come to a decision together. Well she since volunteered for the trip to Haiti and asked him where he would like to live, either us or the other Aunt/Uncle his sister lives with. He chose us and we were informed about this via text message on Friday night. Needless to say my wife and I are excited and worried at the same time. He will be a Freshman in high school, so the timing is about as good as it gets to be switching schools. His mother is not very detail oriented and really doesn't have a plan for the next 18 months, other than going to Haiti and then Afghanistan. I am very detail oriented and have a ton of questions and expectations for this.

 

This is my plan: Meet with her over dinner over on Friday and discuss "her" plan, "her" expectations etc. Outline our expectations and questions we have. My wife and I then leave for a week's vacation. This gives her a week to think about all we talked about. When we return, I think another meeting is in order to get us all on the same page and then have a sit down with our nephew to go over everything and make him feel apart of this.

 

My question to the huddle is what all should we discuss with my sister-in-law? I have the following so far:

 

- Insurance

- Power of Attorney

- Level of Authority over Nephew

- Visitation with his father (is very limited now to maybe Christmas for a week and 2 weeks in summer, he lives 6 hours away and has alcohol issues, hence not an option for long term care)

- What if he doesn't like the school?

- What is her plan for her return in Dec. 2011/Jan. 2012 (i.e. he has 18 month in high school with us, will she move to our area or relocate him back to where she currently lives?)

- Storage for her belongings

- Cell phone bill

- His current child support (I feel bad bringing this up as money is always a touchy subject and we need it less than her, but...)

- Other 2 children and who manages their finances, especially the college bound one

- My wife and I travel a bit for work, so how do we manage the occasion when we are both out of town at the same time?

- TV in bedroom or not?

- Bedtime

- Discipline

 

I have tons of stuff racing through my head and want to try and talk through most of it up front. I will update my list when I come up with more.

 

Thoughts are appreciated.

[tazinib1]

I have some pretty good experience with this as I'm ex military and the wife is currently in. At one point we were both active and out to sea at the same time and gave legal power of attorney over to my mother for our daughter. The questions you have listed are a fantastic start. When I wake up alittle bit, I'll revisit this thread and list some other things that are pertinent.

Edited July 12, 2010 by tazinib1

[Kid Cid]

I have seen some helpful stuff posted here, so I decided to put this out there and see

- Insurance

- Power of Attorney

- Level of Authority over Nephew

- Visitation with his father (is very limited now to maybe Christmas for a week and 2 weeks in summer, he lives 6 hours away and has alcohol issues, hence not an option for long term care)

- What if he doesn't like the school?

- What is her plan for her return in Dec. 2011/Jan. 2012 (i.e. he has 18 month in high school with us, will she move to our area or relocate him back to where she currently lives?)

- Storage for her belongings

- Cell phone bill

- His current child support (I feel bad bringing this up as money is always a touchy subject and we need it less than her, but...)

- Other 2 children and who manages their finances, especially the college bound one

- My wife and I travel a bit for work, so how do we manage the occasion when we are both out of town at the same time?

- TV in bedroom or not?

- Bedtime

- Discipline

 

I have tons of stuff racing through my head and want to try and talk through most of it up front. I will update my list when I come up with more.

 

Thoughts are appreciated.

OK take this with a grain of salt because I don't have children, but if I were in your shoes, I would expect that while the mother can offer some guidance, Structure of his day is pretty much in your hands. That means the television decisions, bedtime, etc. are yours. It is after all, your house and you should set the rules for it. That would include discipline for any transgressions on your watch.

 

As far as the money is concerned, those may be hard questions to ask and harder conversations to have, but I believe that you are correct in addressing them up front.

 

I would also be leery of putting yourself out in front of the financial issues of the other siblings. Their lives are structured in such a way as they should not impact you. Make sure that you leave it that way.

Edited July 12, 2010 by Kid Cid

[muck]

Dating / curfew

 

Church / no-church / religious-stuff

 

Job responsibilities / no job

 

Extracurricular vs. study time

[paulzale]

OK take this with a grain of salt because I don't have children, but if I were in your shoes, I would expect that while the mother can offer some guidance, Structure of his day is pretty much in your hands. That means the television decisions, bedtime, etc. are yours. It is after all, your house and you should set the rules for it. That would include discipline for any transgressions on your watch.

 

As far as the money is concerned, those may be hard questions to ask and harder conversations to have, but I believe that you are correct in addressing them up front.

 

I would also be leery of putting yourself out in front of the financial issues of the other siblings. Their lives are structured in such a way as they should not impact you. Make sure that you leave it that way.

 

 

I agree on the rules stuff, but wanted to get others opinions. The other siblings, while we are not obligated to them, I want to know the guidelines to see what she expects and that way we aren't caught in the "I thought you'd know" situation!

[paulzale]

I have some pretty good experience with this as I'm ex military and the wife is currently in. At one point we were both active and out to sea at the same time and gave legal power of attorney over to my mother for our daughter. The questions you have listed are a fantastic start. When I wake up alittle bit, I'll revisit this thread and list some other things that are pertinent.

 

Thanks

[paulzale]

Dating / curfew She is pretty lax here, but the dating us up to her, while I would like to be in charge of the curfew. I am thinking midnight on Friday/Saturday nights

 

Church / no-church / religious-stuff Good question as I have made the "assumption" we are on the same page, but need to clarify

 

Job responsibilities / no job I think it would be good for a part time gig, but will ask

 

Extracurricular vs. study time Hoping he gets involved in sports or other school activity

 

Thanks

[cre8tiff]

The important thing to realize when taking in children you have not raised is to put all the cards on the table at the front end. Set the expectations, and especially FOLLOW THROUGH. 15 is a tough time for kids. Especially those whom you are not the natural parent, but through no fault of thier own, find themselves living with strangers.

 

You must also understand this isn't a room mate. This is a child that will need parenting. This child may be a perfect angel. Or they may be the debbil. Either way, his is a teenager, and that means you will fight with him regardless. It may even get really tough with experimentations of the various things that turn parent's hair grey at an early age. You will need to be tough and stick to your guns. And above all, you and your wife must SUPPORT EACH OTHER. This can put a strain on a marriage the like of which you may not have experienced before.

 

This may sound very negative to you, but trust me, as a foster parent, I have been in this situation quite a bit. There will be a honeymoon period where all goes great, but once that is over, you will have to shoulder the burden of being a full-time parent. That is going to be hard for you two. So enter into it with open eyes. And always persent a united front.

 

Oh, and yeah, all that legal stuff needs to be in place, just in case.

[cre8tiff]

Thanks

 

Midnight for a 15 year old to be out of the house? Way too late IMHO.

 

The lax part I would be wary of. The prior two weeks was likely not enough to show how indulged this kid may be.

[paulzale]

My eyes are open and he is a fairly good kid, I am guessing he has already tried pot and booze, I know he chews and we have talked about that. I have high expectations, but know the road will be rocky at times. My one concern is that my wife plays a little toward the emotional/feelings side and tends to be a little more lax than me, but I think that balances us out. Just need to remember to discuss things between the two of us. Any ideas on this too?

[paulzale]

Midnight for a 15 year old to be out of the house? Way too late IMHO.

 

The lax part I would be wary of. The prior two weeks was likely not enough to show how indulged this kid may be.

 

OK, when I was growing up in the 80's, it was 11 from 16 on only the weekends and 10 if I was allowed out at all socially during the week. Any thoughts on 15, 16, 17, and 18 curfews?

 

As far as the lax lifestyle he is used to, I have talked with him about expectations and predictability, and that is why my wife an I set rules for our house. He seemed to respond well, but 2 weeks ain't long!

[Rovers]

I think you are quite right about asking about the ground rules. His mother has already established these things, and any radical change in his degree of independence and discipline is sure to cause problems. Too many new freedoms could spell trouble, as would being much more strict than what he is accustomed to. 15 can be a rebelious age. Not knowing the child makes it harder to offer advice. Has he been a good student? Has he gotten into many scrapes with his mom or authority figures? Is he strong headed? Does he tend to obey and respect the rules and boundaries his mother has sert for him?

 

Answering these questions, even for yourdelf will help you in deciding for instance, how to handle it when you and your wife must be unavoidably out of town at the same time. Personally, I would be very nervous about leaving him unsupervised beyond a day. Kids will be kids. Has he gotten into trouble like raiding the liquor cabinet? If not, being alone just might be his chance to satisfy his curiousities.

 

I'd also like to know why he chose you and your wife vs. another family hosehold where he would be with a sibling. That would answer some of the questions I have. Might he think you and your wife would be easy targets, meaning he thinks he could take advantage of you? If he has always been a very well behaved kid, many of these questions would be of less concern.

 

The legal stuff is easy. Asking for some stipend for child support is reasonable. If his mom can't afford much, don't ask for much, but something is in order here.

[ljbrun]

Kudos to you for agreeing to this!

 

Do you know of any kids his age in your neighborhood? Perhaps you could ask a couple of the parents about what is the norm for your neighborhood. Not to copy, but to understand to what he'll be comparing your rules. Keep in mind that the rules that other parents are enforcing are not just made up this morning, rather they've evolved over the years.

[paulzale]

I think you are quite right about asking about the ground rules. His mother has already established these things, and any radical change in his degree of independence and discipline is sure to cause problems. Too many new freedoms could spell trouble, as would being much more strict than what he is accustomed to. 15 can be a rebelious age. Not knowing the child makes it harder to offer advice. Has he been a good student? Has he gotten into many scrapes with his mom or authority figures? hard to tell as she is pretty lax and makes excuses, we will be stricter, but offer reasons behind what we doIs he strong headed?No Does he tend to obey and respect the rules and boundaries his mother has sert for him?mostly, but she doesn't ask much

 

Answering these questions, even for yourdelf will help you in deciding for instance, how to handle it when you and your wife must be unavoidably out of town at the same time. Personally, I would be very nervous about leaving him unsupervised beyond a day. Kids will be kids. Has he gotten into trouble like raiding the liquor cabinet? If not, being alone just might be his chance to satisfy his curiousities. I don't think an overnight would be a good idea, too much to happen. Family is too far and I don't trust most of them. I think we will have to manage our schedules better given our added responsibility

 

I'd also like to know why he chose you and your wife vs. another family hosehold where he would be with a sibling. That would answer some of the questions I have. Might he think you and your wife would be easy targets, meaning he thinks he could take advantage of you? If he has always been a very well behaved kid, many of these questions would be of less concern. Honestly, he said he would have greater opportunities with us and the school than he would with the other relatives (small town, drugs/booze are an issue there). I think he has made a mature decision based on what his reasoning is and to be honest, whenever (the 2 weeks and several other weekends before) he has stayed with us we have setup guidelines/rules and he responded well. I am saying this, but know he isn't perfect, he is 15 and can be mouthy and will push the rules. I know I did and my wife really did!

 

The legal stuff is easy. Asking for some stipend for child support is reasonable. If his mom can't afford much, don't ask for much, but something is in order here.

Edited July 12, 2010 by paulzale

[Rovers]

Just saw the most recent posts, but after my last post. He's 15 and he chews? That tells me a lot right there. No way can he be trusted being left alone unsupervised. It sounds like he has been given few boundaries by his mother. Where does he get the $ and who buys his tabacco? I think you will have your hands full. I suggest a lock on the liquor cabinet. I suggest that money, even coins be placed somewhere he can't get to it. He should have enough money to enjoy himself, but not so much he can afford any pot or booze. You can't stop him from these things, but you can make it more difficult for him to get.

 

I think midnight is too late for a 15 year old. 11 should be the latest. At 17, then maybe midnight. With hold the right to nix any new friends he might make if they are troublemakers. Encourage him to hang out around your house with his friends. That means making your house a fun place to hang out. Video games, food, soda well stocked, etc. Be friendly with his new friends. Make them feel welcome. Give them a place to hang out that doesn't make them feel they are constantly being watched. (although you can still keep an eye on things)

[paulzale]

Just saw the most recent posts, but after my last post. He's 15 and he chews? Your assessment is pretty spot on, but I think he does this because it is accepted as normal where he lives (farm country) I don't agree with it and plan to address it. When he stayed with us for 2 weeks, it wasn't allowed in the house.That tells me a lot right there. No way can he be trusted being left alone unsupervised. It sounds like he has been given few boundaries by his mother. Where does he get the $ and who buys his tabacco? I think you will have your hands full. I suggest a lock on the liquor cabinet. I suggest that money, even coins be placed somewhere he can't get to it. He should have enough money to enjoy himself, but not so much he can afford any pot or booze. You can't stop him from these things, but you can make it more difficult for him to get. I agree and am very OCD so I notice things that change from time to time. I am not saying he won't test us, but I can make it difficult for him. Good news is my wife works from home when she is in town and I have a flexible schedule so he wouldn't be home long in the afternoons

 

I think midnight is too late for a 15 year old. 11 should be the latest. At 17, then maybe midnight.Good news, 11 p.m. is curfew by local ordinance for anyone under 18! With hold the right to nix any new friends he might make if they are troublemakers. Encourage him to hang out around your house with his friends. That means making your house a fun place to hang out. Video games, food, soda well stocked, etc. Be friendly with his new friends. Make them feel welcome. Give them a place to hang out that doesn't make them feel they are constantly being watched. (although you can still keep an eye on things) Already got this, have a huge basement, with big screen HDTV, XBOX360, Foosball, killer stereo etc. Hey I am nearly 40 without kids, so disposable income goes here. Have almost 20 neices and nephews and they all love to come and hang out at our house for the weekend due to my "toys"

[driveby]

Lots of good info here so far.

 

I might add/echo that is is very important to be strict but fair. 15 year old kids expect to be treated as adults, if he can handle that responsibly, treat him as such but emphasize with young adult rights come responsibilities. It's easier to start out as a bit of a hard ass and then loosen up than go in laid back and then tighten up. And be honest and up front. Kids have a great BS detector. Even if you make a poor decision, if you're sincere and he see's you are doing so in what you honestly believe is his best interest, he may not like it but he most likely will respect and understand it. Make sure to make him feel part of the family but give him space when he needs it, you don't need to show him a good time 24/7 to try to make sure he enjoys living with you.

 

And most of all just follow your best instincts. If he's a good kid everything else will fall into place. Good luck.

[tazinib1]

Ok first of all let me commend you for doing this. It is people like you and your wife that makes life alittle easier for our Military men and women who do not have a spouse to take care of there children while on deployment. This is going to change your life as essentially, you are adopting a son for 18 months.

 

First and foremost you need a power of attorney. These forms and procedures are readily available for you sister-in-law at her duty station. She can get the ball rolling and have the proper documents signed and ready before she leaves.

 

Next, make sure you know what school he will be attending. Depending on your laws/rules in the area you live, you more than likely will have a couple schools to choose from. Take him for a few days and let him visit each of them, talk with the principle and see what school he would like to attend. If he is into sports,music or what not, one school might suit him better. Let him choose...if you can.

 

Make sure, when he decides on his school, that you get listed on his contact card. If you or your wife is not, you cannot pick him up, take him to the doctors etc etc.

 

Find out if there is a military hospital in your area. If there is a medical emergency, he is covered. If not, find out what his military insurance covers and go from there. There are usually medical health clinics sub-contracted by the military to take care of dependents. Make sure you know any pertinent medical issues with as well...allergies,medications etc etc etc.

 

Make sure he has an up to date military ID card for medical, commissary and other benefits he is entitled to.

 

Ask the sister-in-law what her financial situation is regarding her children. You might want to ask her to set up a direct deposit to your account to take care of every day needs for him such as clothing, allowance and other expenses.

 

Understanding the fathers visitation situation is paramount as well. Even though you will now be considered his guardian, the father still has rights. You should meet him as well and if you find out he's an Adam's Apple, don't let that interfere with his visitation. Sometimes the best thing for a child that has been separated from his parents, are his parents. Be that a weekend here and there or whatever. He will feel at times like he is unwanted. Justified or not that is a common thing that happens to children who's parents are away for that long of a time. Let the father and him know that you are not a barrier between them. Very important.

 

Besides the normal parenting stuff which I'm sure others will address more in detail, the only other "legal" item I can think of that came up when my mother was taking care of our daughter while we were at sea was TAXES. Since you will be the legal guardian, you need to convey to both parents that you will be claiming him on your taxes. I'm pretty sure all you need is the military Power of Attorney for that...you might wanna check with a tax expert though as the laws might have changed.

[peepinmofo]

Aside from everything everyoone has posted, if you have a gun of any kind, I would be sure to get it locked up if it isnt already. Make sure if he knows about it, he has ZERO access to it. Of course, if you dont have one, then nevermind.

[paulzale]

No, gun, whew!

 

Oh, best of all I get to introduce him to fantasy football and live scoring on Sunday afternoons then watching Monday night games and hoping for someone to "not make points" or along those lines!

[peepinmofo]

No, gun, whew!

 

Oh, best of all I get to introduce him to fantasy football and live scoring on Sunday afternoons then watching Monday night games and hoping for someone to "not make points" or along those lines!

[paulzale]

Ok first of all let me commend you for doing this. It is people like you and your wife that makes life alittle easier for our Military men and women who do not have a spouse to take care of there children while on deployment. This is going to change your life as essentially, you are adopting a son for 18 months.

 

First and foremost you need a power of attorney. These forms and procedures are readily available for you sister-in-law at her duty station. She can get the ball rolling and have the proper documents signed and ready before she leaves.

 

Next, make sure you know what school he will be attending. Depending on your laws/rules in the area you live, you more than likely will have a couple schools to choose from. Take him for a few days and let him visit each of them, talk with the principle and see what school he would like to attend. If he is into sports,music or what not, one school might suit him better. Let him choose...if you can.

 

Make sure, when he decides on his school, that you get listed on his contact card. If you or your wife is not, you cannot pick him up, take him to the doctors etc etc.

 

Find out if there is a military hospital in your area. If there is a medical emergency, he is covered. If not, find out what his military insurance covers and go from there. There are usually medical health clinics sub-contracted by the military to take care of dependents. Make sure you know any pertinent medical issues with as well...allergies,medications etc etc etc.

 

Make sure he has an up to date military ID card for medical, commissary and other benefits he is entitled to.

 

Ask the sister-in-law what her financial situation is regarding her children. You might want to ask her to set up a direct deposit to your account to take care of every day needs for him such as clothing, allowance and other expenses.

 

Understanding the fathers visitation situation is paramount as well. Even though you will now be considered his guardian, the father still has rights. You should meet him as well and if you find out he's an Adam's Apple, don't let that interfere with his visitation. Sometimes the best thing for a child that has been separated from his parents, are his parents. Be that a weekend here and there or whatever. He will feel at times like he is unwanted. Justified or not that is a common thing that happens to children who's parents are away for that long of a time. Let the father and him know that you are not a barrier between them. Very important.

 

Besides the normal parenting stuff which I'm sure others will address more in detail, the only other "legal" item I can think of that came up when my mother was taking care of our daughter while we were at sea was TAXES. Since you will be the legal guardian, you need to convey to both parents that you will be claiming him on your taxes. I'm pretty sure all you need is the military Power of Attorney for that...you might wanna check with a tax expert though as the laws might have changed.

 

Thanks, didn't think about the taxes. I may shoot you emails from time to time to ask questions about military stuff in between trade talk! All great information here.

[Rovers]

Paulzale, I would also like to commend you and your wife here. You demonstrate what "family" is all about.

 

One thing I didnt mention.... chores.

 

I might suggest something like this: he picks up after himself, he does his own clothes washing, and takes the garbage out. For that he gets minimum allowance. Then, it's work/reward. Wash the car, another 5 bucks. Mow the lawn, another $X. (mowing might be in the mandatory category).

 

When I was growing up, my best friend's dad used this system. I thought it worked really well. My old man thought I should do all the extra stuff for nothing, other than to help out. Of course, the old man beat me, so I wasn't real inclined to help him any, but that is another story.

 

I think the work-reward thing is a good idea. Any other opinions on this?

 

Oh, and geeze.... let him pick out his own clothes when shopping. (not talking $100 Nikes) Kids want to dress the same way other kids do. He'll want to fit in with his new friends, and as silly as it is, things like clothes make a difference. God help you with the rap music though...

[driveby]

I agree with Rovers regarding the chores with one caveat; If he gets heavily involved with extra-curricular activities and such in school you might think about cutting back the "for pay" chores.

 

My son was in band, played sports and maintained an A average while taking AP and Honors courses in High School. He didn't have a lot of free time, (And when he did we wanted him to spent time with his friends and us enjoying life) so we agreed that if he maintained his A average and kept in good standing with his coaches and band director, and did his mandatory daily chores; picking up after himself, mowing the yard if asked, etc. - we would "pay" him via an allowance for all the time he dedicated to band, practice and studies.

 

I think that worked out well for us.

[paulzale]

Getting a good list going for discussion Friday. Chores is another one. I was one that had to do whatever asked by my parents, but didn't get an allowance, but was rewarded with car insurance and gas money. I had a job for the dates and other expenses. I like Rovers ideas balanced with driveby's suggestions. The good news is that I can fire my lawn service and pay an allowance and still be money ahead there, bad news is I know he'll make up for it in other areas. I gotta broach the subject of driving too as he can get his learners permit this fall. Insurance, teaching, etc. all are now on the list!