Putting an elderly relative in a nursing home

[bigmike4969]

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend and I took in her grandmother. Just to give you some background, before she moved in with us, she had been living on her own for quite some time (she lived next door to my girlfriend's parents) and was taken to the hospital for retaining water in her legs(she has congestive heart failure). After the hospital stay and a couple of weeks in a rehab facility, she moved in with us.

 

When she first moved in, she was in good spirits and had her faculties there (for as much as an 89 year old person can)...she was able to get around good with a cane/walker, ate food and could hold a conversation. Lately, though, we are seeing a big decline in her well being. She gets confused easily, does not eat much (if at all), has "bathroom accidents" more and more frequently, and sleeps most of the time. She now uses her walker exclusively to get around, which is fine but when she does she maybe takes a few steps then stops to catch her breath (or leans over on it as if she is falling asleep) then after a bit she resumes. There are other noticable changes that we see in her as well (i.e. forgetting how to put in her hearing aids and false teeth).

 

She had a doctor visit a week ago and she has lost almost 30 pounds since moving in with us. The doctor said that if she does not eat, she will have to go back to the hospital. They think that the reason she is not awake alot is due to the fact that she does not have any energy, a result of not eating or moving around. The doctor knows that we try to feed her, she just wont eat, or if she does eat, it is maybe a bite or two then she is finished. And we try to get her to move around the home but she gets so tired easily that for her to come out of her bedroom and to the dining table is a chore. Since the doctor visit she has been eating more, but it is not much. And it varies from day to day on how much she will eat.

 

We have considered that maybe it would be better for her to be in a nursing home. There she would get the proper care she needs (I am not saying my girlfriend or I are not helping her; my girlfriend has become a full time "nurse" for her since she moved in). Add in the fact that we both have full time jobs (my job also includes off shift and weekend time) so there are days where she is at home alone for 8 plus hours, and we constantly worry about her being alone. We tried the route of having a nurse visit her but it did not seem to work out well. We were also taking her to a "senior day care center" twice during the week, to not only get her out of the house but to also interact with others and not be bored. We are no longer doing this either because the last few times she went she basically slept the entire time there.

 

We talked with my girlfriend's mother (her gram's daughter) and she also thinks that maybe it is time to consider a nursing home.

 

At the same time, we feel guilty about putting her in a home because we sorta feel like we are giving up on her. We dont know if it is the right thing or not. Last night, we were talking about how we are going to approach her with the news that she may be moving into a home. My girlfriend is freaked out because she thinks that her grandmother will be upset with her and whatnot.

 

Have any of you gone thru this, and what advice can you give?

 

Thanks.

[darin3]

Just my opinion, but you should be commended for what you've already done and should not feel bad about providing her with the care that she absolutely needs, even if that means moving her into a home. She obviously needs round-the-clock care, something I assume that you're simply not set up to do.

[TimC]

We recently put the SO's Mom in an assisted living facility. We knew we couldn't handle taking care of her and she loves it. It's more of an apartment with vans that take them to places and has a nurse at their beck and call if she needs 'em. Of course, her Mom likes to be taken care of and have everything provided for her so she enjoys the peace of mind. It also puts our mind at ease knowing that if anything happens, there will be a professional there for her. She's fallen twice in the past year and broken hips before this move. If one of us were to stay home with her full-time, we may feel differently.

 

I wish you the best. It's a tough situation. It'd make the situation better if she wanted to go.

[MikesVikes]

You've done a good thing by bringing in her grandmother to care for her. Since you are the one that is living with her, you probably know better than any of us regarding what you should do now. It sounds like you are concerned for her health during the times she is alone. It definetly sounds like a nursing home would be a great option for her now based on your descriptions.

[Swampnuts]

She is failing to thrive @ home and is having more and more difficulty with daily function from your description. A nursing home would be safer for her and easier for her as well. You guys are great for having taken her in, but if she's declining that fast than something is amiss.

 

There's a big difference between "dumping" someone in a home and placing someone there because they need it. Many elderly people fail to thrive later in life because life simply becomes too hard. Dressing, eating, attempting to use the bathroom all become a huge chore. Nursing homes make all these necessities easier on them.

 

The most important thing is that she's cared for safely. Does she have any advance directives regarding her end of life care? My fear is if she returns to the hospital, they might try to place a feeding tube.

 

She's lucky to have you guys!

[BeeR]

We tried the route of having a nurse visit her but it did not seem to work out well.

I'm curious to know what that means-? ie wouldn't that be similar (but obviously not the same) as a nursing home? Just thinking if the same problems might arise.

 

We talked with my girlfriend's mother (her gram's daughter) and she also thinks that maybe it is time to consider a nursing home.

Don't take this wrong, but any particular reason your girlfriend's mother can't take her of her? In fact isn't this really her responsibility?

 

Anyway agree w/what others said; props for doing all you have already. If you feel this is best, don't beat yourself up about it. She's clearly in need of more care than it's reasonable to expect you to do.

Edited July 7, 2010 by BeeR

[Sunday Couch Potatoe]

The wife and I are actually doing the same thing for my 95 year old grandma and 93 year old aunt(sisters obv.). Only difference is we are moving in with them. Grandma was fine 3 months ago until she had a leg injury and was hospitalized and then went to a nursing home for rehab. She declined immensely in the nursing home because of all the noise and restless hours there. We decided to take her home and move in as it is her wishes to stay in her home until her last day. My wife doesn't work so obv. it is alot easier for us to care for them all the time. She has made huge strides since coming home and is walking without anything most of the day and a cane when she's a little tired. My recommendations to you would be to research the places that might house her. Be sure they are reputable and won't add to her discomfort in any way. Also check and see if her medical will pay for all or some of her stay. My grandmas allowed her 90 days of free care and then a 90 day extension if needed. After that it was 180.00 a day which for various reasons could be a strain on all involved.There are other options of home care for declining elders like hospice you should look into before any final decisions. Good Luck to you and remember everything you have already done should be commended! Every elderly person should be so lucky to have loved ones who sacrifice for them as they already have for their young ones for years.

[westvirginia]

Sounds like you guys really care about this, so that's a big plus right there. My advice would be this: If you really think she would be better off in the nursing home/assisted care facility, then you have nothing to be ashamed of.

[rocknrobn26]

We moved my 90yo Mom in w/ us in March and so far so good (she's still pretty sharp and no walker or cane), but I know the day is coming when the inevitable will happen.

Several years ago we faced this problem w/ my FIL. We could not take him in as he was wheel chair bound and we have 5 levels to our house. We tried the nurse route, but it was a disaster! $125+ / day and she was calling us constantly w/ "problems" like "Can you come over to bathe him, change his diaper, etc..!" Wait a second, isn't that your job??? He broke his hip about 2 weeks later and was admitted to the hospital and then a nursing home for rehab. The doctor had him admitted full time to the NH. For almost 3 years, my wife and sometimes myself would visit him 3-4 days per week. He kept asking (he was 97yo and had dementia though not real severe) when he was going back to our house. The first year was the toughest, but he actually improved in years 2 & 3 (long story about the changes but they were many in number and dramatic).

 

Mike, don't feel guilty! You've provided her a great service and should be commended. Will she be upset? Of course, but in the long run, as we experienced, she will probably be much better off and a whole bunch safer, physically and nutritionally.

My best to you and your GF. It won't be easy, but I hope all works out well.

I hope this helps.

rr26

[Jimmy Neutron]

Tough spot - one I truly empathize with.

 

Over a year ago, we had to move my FIL to an assisted living residence. We kept him there as long as they could deal with him and them moved him into a full blown nursing home when his health and care required it.

 

Each move was hard on him and hard for the family. In each case, some member of the family was still with him for the better part of every day for the rest of his life. The moves were not a white flag raising in any case - few families are equipped with faciltiies and knowledge to care for many of the eventualities that come with age.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

[rocknrobn26]

Tough spot - one I truly empathize with.

 

Over a year ago, we had to move my FIL to an assisted living residence. We kept him there as long as they could deal with him and them moved him into a full blown nursing home when his health and care required it.

 

Each move was hard on him and hard for the family. In each case, some member of the family was still with him for the better part of every day for the rest of his life. The moves were not a white flag raising in any case - few families are equipped with faciltiies and knowledge to care for many of the eventualities that come with age.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Amen , Brother!

[bigmike4969]

Thanks everyone for the good advice/kind words. It means a lot to us.

 

BeeR - I would rather not go into why my girlfriend's mother is not the primary caretaker for the grandmother. I am not saying that she is a bad person, I guess just not the most nurturing one. I have been with my girlfriend for close to 10 years, and I still don't understand the relationship between my girlfriend's mother and her grandmother.