An issue with my freshman son away at college

[Cunning Runt]

Background: my ex and I divorced when he was quite young. We each re-married and the 2nd families have been very stable. My ex and I also worked very well together on mutually raising him.

 

That all said, the one thing my ex did was spoil the hell out of him. Her and her husband do well financially. My son is now 19 and has really never worked a day in his life. He's done a few things to earn money, but nothing I consider to be a"job" where you had a boss, had to be somewhere at a specific time, etc.. He's also basically been given a car and insurance.

 

Now he's at Purdue and being given by his mom and I the opportunity to have a college education paid for. He has his car there and we give him an allowance. The only thing we asked in return is that he make grades his priority and that's how he could pay us back - by doing well in his studies.

 

Well, the 1st semester was ok, but he rushed a fraternity 2nd semester and his grades have taken a nosedive and I've been privvy to some twitter posts of his which suggest he's partying.....a lot. Including some posts where he's talked about drinking in the morning. Like yesterday for instance.

 

I'm extremely upset and disappointed in him but also really concerned that it sounds like a drinking problem is brewing if not already in place. I mean I partied in college, but I don't recall doing tequila shots on a class day at 9:30 in the morning by myself.

 

I want to give him the gift of a college education, I do. But not if that gift causes such a sense of entitlement that it actually is to his detriment which right now it seems to be.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. I want him to enjoy the college experience. I don't have a problem with the fraternity per se. What I have a problem with is his not contributing at all, his taking advantage of his mom and I by not concentrating on grades in favor of partying, and maybe that the partying is more than just partying, but a real problem in and of itself.

 

I'm genuinely at a loss.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Cunning Runt

[muck]

Can you make an unannounced visit?

[Cunning Runt]

Can you make an unannounced visit?

 

 

I could. What's your angle?

 

 

[SEC=UGA]

I drank in the AM in college, usually continuing to do so through the next AM... I have not developed a drinking problem and doubt that your son developing a drinking is the biggest worry to have. Drinking like this is what some college kids do.

 

I did however get put on academic supsension for a year due to my grades dropping from my precipitous drinking. This is the concern.

 

I remember asking a buddy of mine once, while we were out drinking" "How do you guys make your grades, you party just like I do..."

 

Him - "No, I usually party about twice a week, you are out every night."

 

After I got placed on academic suspension, my funds were cut off. When I returned to school I had to get a job to pay for my expenses and would be reimbursed some monies for each 3.0 or better. My GPA went from a .7 to a 3.4 by the time I graduated.

 

IMO, working while going to school was the best thing for me. I didn't have a great deal of free time and I didn't have a lot of money to blow on going out drinking (hell, I didn't have a TV for 3 years.)

 

You need to give him an ultimatum... If you get kicked out, you're on your own. When and if you decide to go back, you pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you perform up to our standards.

[rajncajn]

I drank in the AM in college, usually continuing to do so through the next AM... I have not developed a drinking problem and doubt that your son developing a drinking is the biggest worry to have. Drinking like this is what some college kids do.

 

I did however get put on academic supsension for a year due to my grades dropping from my precipitous drinking. This is the concern.

 

I remember asking a buddy of mine once, while we were out drinking" "How do you guys make your grades, you party just like I do..."

 

Him - "No, I usually party about twice a week, you are out every night."

 

After I got placed on academic suspension, my funds were cut off. When I returned to school I had to get a job to pay for my expenses and would be reimbursed some monies for each 3.0 or better. My GPA went from a .7 to a 3.4 by the time I graduated.

 

IMO, working while going to school was the best thing for me. I didn't have a great deal of free time and I didn't have a lot of money to blow on going out drinking (hell, I didn't have a TV for 3 years.)

 

You need to give him an ultimatum... If you get kicked out, you're on your own. When and if you decide to go back, you pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you perform up to our standards.

 

This. Kids who have never had the chance to "party like a rock star" usually go overboard with it when they get that kind of freedom. He needs to be made well aware of the consequences of those actions.

[SEC=UGA]

I would like to add one thing... Tell hime you will keep paying, set a GPA target, but if he does get the boot, he's done.

[Cunning Runt]

I drank in the AM in college, usually continuing to do so through the next AM... I have not developed a drinking problem and doubt that your son developing a drinking is the biggest worry to have. Drinking like this is what some college kids do.

 

I did however get put on academic supsension for a year due to my grades dropping from my precipitous drinking. This is the concern.

 

I remember asking a buddy of mine once, while we were out drinking" "How do you guys make your grades, you party just like I do..."

 

Him - "No, I usually party about twice a week, you are out every night."

 

After I got placed on academic suspension, my funds were cut off. When I returned to school I had to get a job to pay for my expenses and would be reimbursed some monies for each 3.0 or better. My GPA went from a .7 to a 3.4 by the time I graduated.

 

IMO, working while going to school was the best thing for me. I didn't have a great deal of free time and I didn't have a lot of money to blow on going out drinking (hell, I didn't have a TV for 3 years.)

 

You need to give him an ultimatum... If you get kicked out, you're on your own. When and if you decide to go back, you pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you perform up to our standards.

 

 

Thanks. Ya....somewhere working has to figure into things. I personally think this was his mom's greatest disservice to him - always coddling him so he never had to get a job.

[DMD]

My son is a freshman as well and what you are describing is amazingly common. My son has never been a partier much for a variety of reasons but he and his friends were hardly saints in High School. Of the crew he ran around with, several have joined the military or flopped out of community college. One was a national merit scholar who crashed and burned because of drugs and alcohol in just over one semester and is now in rehab. Another friend who was a smart, very stand-up guy that always impressed me moved to the West Coast a few years ago and his first semester in college out there apparently was spent high every day which shocks me.

 

Now we all went through a phase when we were young. But I agree with you - it seems to be like they are taking it to the next level with narcissistic, immature behavior. According to my son, the majority of his dorm is drunk at any given time and that there is a huge contigent there that mostly works out and drinks. It is a gift that you are giving him and I would stongly suggest you intervene in some way immediately because far as I have seen it doesn't get any better until it has done real damage.

 

I have given my kid "eye on the prize" speeches as I am sure you have but they fall onto deaf ears when all their friends support their behavior. What blows me away is that we were less problematic in my college years and we could legally drink at 18 back then.

 

Best of luck to you but I would have a serious conversation with him and set some consequences for him that hits home sooner than waiting to see if it gets better and letting his grades crumble. I'd love to hear how it all ends - I am in nearly the same spot as you as a father.

[nuke'em ttg]

I'm hopin my son got this outta his system in high school good-luck CR, it's a bitch. Agree with SEC, if he's gonna flame out the college will take care of that.

[SayItAintSoJoe]

I mean I partied in college, but I don't recall doing tequila shots on a class day at 9:30 in the morning by myself.

 

Sounds to me like he has a drinking problem. I'm not saying he's a full blown alcoholic or anything like that, but it does sound like he is drinking just to get drunk. I wouldn't sweep this under the rug as just another "all college kids drink" situation. You need to take a really close look at what is going on over there. IMO

[MrTed46]

when i went to college i partied REAL hard and I turned out fine.

 

before jumping to conclusions go talk to him

[Cunning Runt]

 

 

Sounds to me like he has a drinking problem. I'm not saying he's a full blown alcoholic or anything like that, but it does sound like he is drinking just to get drunk. I wouldn't sweep this under the rug as just another "all college kids drink" situation. You need to take a really close look at what is going on over there. IMO

 

 

Ya. This is probably the very most concerning thing right here. I don't know if he posted it on twitter to sound cool or what. He hasn't responded to my texts to him yet from last night but I do want to hear what he has to say for himself on this specific thing for sure.

[whoopazz]

My two cents. Partying my way through college is actually one of my biggest regrets. I know now that I could have accomplished so much more had I just tried to balance the partying with studies. And for me, it did digress into a serious drinking problem that hampered me long term. My parents did foot the bill and when I was academically suspended I felt really guilty and ashamed. That one event probably saved my arse, I went back and kicked butt and finished. In any event you need to have a discussion with him to let him know your concerns. He'll likely get angry and defensive but at least he'll know how you feel. The GPA target is probably a good idea. Tell him to make the grade or you pull your share of funds.

[Brentastic]

Sounds to me like he has a drinking problem. I'm not saying he's a full blown alcoholic or anything like that, but it does sound like he is drinking just to get drunk. I wouldn't sweep this under the rug as just another "all college kids drink" situation. You need to take a really close look at what is going on over there. IMO

 

Isn't that why everyone drinks?

 

Back O.T. I think there is cause for concern. I didn't go to college right away, I went into the military and although I drank a lot in the military, it was still a job. To this day, I still tell people that the USAF saved me from becoming a total drug addict/alcoholic. In high school, especially the last 2 years, I drank obsessively and partied hard. Had I gone to college, I may have ended up dead. The great thing about the military is that I was forced to be responsible early and then received a free college degree thanks to the military benefits.

 

Best of luck C.R.

[matt770]

I agree with the above advice, set clear GPA targets or you cut off his funds. Let him know you're concerned about the drinking and you don't believe it will be possible to make the grades unless he seriously curtails it. From there, he's an adult and needs to make the right decisions to achieve the target you set.

[Cunning Runt]

 

Isn't that why everyone drinks?

 

Back O.T. I think there is cause for concern. I didn't go to college right away, I went into the military and although I drank a lot in the military, it was still a job. To this day, I still tell people that the USAF saved me from becoming a total drug addict/alcoholic. In high school, especially the last 2 years, I drank obsessively and partied hard. Had I gone to college, I may have ended up dead. The great thing about the military is that I was forced to be responsible early and then received a free college degree thanks to the military benefits.

 

Best of luck C.R.

 

 

Thanks. I've thought about introducing the service to him as an alternative. It'd be good for him. I know that. But I really want to figure out how to get the college thing to work. I mean damn, c'mon kid.... This is a pretty substantial gift IMO that I'm watching being pissed down the drain by my son. At great expense to me to boot.

 

[caddyman]

This. Kids who have never had the chance to "party like a rock star" usually go overboard with it when they get that kind of freedom. He needs to be made well aware of the consequences of those actions.

 

I think if I remember correctly that the ex wife is going to be a problem here. If the two of them are not on the same page, there is really nothing that can be done. That is the place to start. If there is a joint effort, then they may solve this. Frankly the ONLY way to get a handle on this is cut off all support. No car, no cash, no tuition. It is up to the kid now. Noone can force him to do anything. Trust me, I know this first hand.

[Cunning Runt]

 

I think if I remember correctly that the ex wife is going to be a problem here. If the two of them are not on the same page, there is really nothing that can be done. That is the place to start. If there is a joint effort, then they may solve this. Frankly the ONLY way to get a handle on this is cut off all support. No car, no cash, no tuition. It is up to the kid now. Noone can force him to do anything. Trust me, I know this first hand.

 

 

Actually the ex and I are on the same page. I would not expect cooperation between us to be a problem.

[matt770]

I think if I remember correctly that the ex wife is going to be a problem here. If the two of them are not on the same page, there is really nothing that can be done. That is the place to start. If there is a joint effort, then they may solve this. Frankly the ONLY way to get a handle on this is cut off all support. No car, no cash, no tuition. It is up to the kid now. Noone can force him to do anything. Trust me, I know this first hand.

 

Yup. The last part of a kid's brain to develop is the part that processes consequences of actions. That's why teenagers make such stupid decisions. He needs to get a taste of the consequences to fully understand. If you waffle at all, he'll try to walk all over you.

[Cunning Runt]

 

Yup. The last part of a kid's brain to develop is the part that processes consequences of actions. That's why teenagers make such stupid decisions. He needs to get a taste of the consequences to fully understand. If you waffle at all, he'll try to walk all over you.

 

 

I've actually heard that it's scientific fact that the part of the brain responsible for decision making doesn't fully develop until around age 23-24 (if not that exact thing then something real darn close but same gist).

[Brentastic]

Thanks. I've thought about introducing the service to him as an alternative. It'd be good for him. I know that. But I really want to figure out how to get the college thing to work. I mean damn, c'mon kid.... This is a pretty substantial gift IMO that I'm watching being pissed down the drain by my son. At great expense to me to boot.

 

Unfortunately, at his age, this is the last thing he's thinking about and I'm not sure a talk will make him understand it either. I don't think there are many 18-21 year olds that are mature enough to attend college, imo.

[matt770]

I've actually heard that it's scientific fact that the part of the brain responsible for decision making doesn't fully develop until around age 23-24 (if not that exact thing then something real darn close but same gist).

 

What's sad is when kids get heavy into smoking pot, then those functions may never fully develop, along with some others.

[Brentastic]

What's sad is when kids get heavy into smoking pot, then those functions may never fully develop, along with some others.

 

I'd like to see the data that supports that. It seems like the kids I knew who smoked pot early are the ones who no longer smoke. Whereas someone like me who started post-military still smokes on occasion.

[matt770]

I'd like to see the data that supports that. It seems like the kids I knew who smoked pot early are the ones who no longer smoke. Whereas someone like me who started post-military still smokes on occasion.

 

I thought it was well established and common knowledge, I've heard it a lot.

 

Really swamped with all my WWF games but I'll try to find some links.

[matt770]

http://www.scienceda...81014111156.htm

http://www.scienceda...90202175105.htm

http://alcoholism.ab...lnida030508.htm