Kid Cid Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 ======================================== ================== Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total - - $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junebugz Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 1371213[/snapback] what kind of girliemen use filter wrenchs? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil inhole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 1371213[/snapback] Not in Georgia with its Blue laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecerwin Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 haha, pretty funny. I used to work at an Oil Can Henry's back in high school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piranha Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 3) Open a beer and drink it.13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 27) Drink beer. 30) Drink beer. 36) Beer. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 41) Beer. 45) Beer. Beer $40.00 1371213[/snapback] Do I see a pattern here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junebugz Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Do I see a pattern here 1371238[/snapback] you would Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 that's sorta what i figured out a few years ago, when i became a regular grease monkey customer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 One of my guilty secrets in life is taking the C5 up to the dealer to change the oil. The drain plug is in front of the pan which requires some type of acrobatic maneuver I'm not ready to attempt if you don't have a lift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junebugz Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 One of my guilty secrets in life is taking the C5 up to the dealer to change the oil. The drain plug is in front of the pan which requires some type of acrobatic maneuver I'm not ready to attempt if you don't have a lift. 1371315[/snapback] did you lose a bet to zzzmanzzzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted March 15, 2006 Author Share Posted March 15, 2006 One of my guilty secrets in life is taking the C5 up to the dealer to change the oil. The drain plug is in front of the pan which requires some type of acrobatic maneuver I'm not ready to attempt if you don't have a lift. 1371315[/snapback] Lift, I'm still trying to convince my wife to let me by jack stands and a jack. You going to CI this year? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junebugz Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 I had a friend that was going to change his oil one time and was under the car for a minute or two and then was getting ready to unscrew the transmission fluid drain bolt. That would have been funny. We took pity and told him he might not want to do that. Of course, when he was working on something (brakes, i think) with another friend of mine he was asked to get a C clamp and didn't know what it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Lift, I'm still trying to convince my wife to let me by jack stands and a jack. You going to CI this year? 1371327[/snapback] Probably not. We're closing on the new house around June 1st. If the closing is delayed for some reason, we may go. Can't even probably make the Waterside cruise on the 25th (which is awesome) because it's my Dad's birthday. Not working out well for me this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Puddy follow first set of instructions Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retrograde assault Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Quit changing the oil in my cars years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetlips Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Hahaha..... I had to snag this to send to my hubby! It proves what I've been telling him all along. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 I never put the new filter on with a wrench. Otherwise the filter won't come back off unless I mangle it completely first. Oh, and I spend the $20 at Walmart or Jiffy instead of getting those ****ing oil spots now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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