War of the Roses

[rajncajn]

I would like to note though that if i were a teenager with internet access in my bedroom I'd be jerking it left and right. Scream all you want Mr. Winkey cuz aint no one gonna hear ya."

 

I Personally do not agree with giving teenagers private internet access. When our kids get older the computer will be located in the living room.

I just couldn't stomach the though of walking into my sons room while he is pounding the puma to some german dungeon pron.

Same here, there's just too much trash on the internet these days even in places you wouldn't normally expect and no matter the safegaurds you put on a pc there will always be ways around it. Cliaz's other info is good as well, my parents divorced before I was even born and me & my Brother sound very similar to your wife's kids. My Brother was older an has always carried a bitterness with him throughout his life and while he's mellowed in his older age he still wears it on his shoulder. He & my Stepmom never did hit it off while me & her still have a good relationship and eventually he left to live with our real Mom when things came to a head while he was around the age of 16. I fully believe that was the beginning of the end for my Dad & Stepmom's divorce several years later, it hurt him deeply when my Brother left & he knew it was because he didn't get along with her. It's definately got to be a tough balance raising someone else's kid. If you are that childs natural parent they have no other choice but to accept you as their parent, but as a Step-parent they see you as an outsider trying to control their lives when they feel you really shouldn't have any say over what they do. But as cliaz said, if you can find even a small way to connect with the kid & show him you can be a friend as much as a parent then he'll probably start to come around.

[theeohiostate]

I would like to note though that if i were a teenager with internet access in my bedroom i'd be jerking it left and right. Scream all you want Mr. Winkey cuz aint no one gonna hear ya."

 

 

 

He always has his door locked and i pull my hair out telling the wife what i "think" he's doing up there. I've went so far as to pull the door off the hinges for a week, but once i reinstall it, he locks 'er up like Fort Knox again. Poor Mr. Winkey.

 

On a more serious note, i'd read through many suggestions and i've actually made very good efforts usning all these approaches, my frustration is so great right now, i feel i'm losing it. I can't get my wife to understand that allowing this type of behavior to escalate will not be good for him, he's already getting C's, D's and a few F's on his report cards, this is something i really don't approve of, i never once got a D or an F in any subject, and to me it says, I DON'T CARE, I QUIT.

 

I'm really stressing about this and the wife and i are fighting like cats and dogs over the "right" way to handle this. My view is to ground his ass. until he takes responsibility for his actions, and her view is, i'm too hard on him.

 

Now i do have a 3 year old, and every morning i get up with him and we clean his room together. I'm very firm with him putting away his toys after play time. I don't know if this type of thing will amount to anything in his future, but i'm hoping that it builds some structure and accountability.

 

The thing that worries me most, is his uncle, who is 36 still lives at home with mommy, and THAT ain't flying in these skies ! ! !

Edited January 3, 2007 by theeohiostate

[cliaz]

 

He always has his door locked and i pull my hair out telling the wife what i "think" he's doing up there. I've went so far as to pull the door off the hinges for a week, but once i reinstall it, he locks 'er up like Fort Knox again. Poor Mr. Winkey.

 

On a more serious note, i'd read through many suggestions and i've actually made very good efforts usning all these approaches, my frustration is so great right now, i feel i'm losing it. I can't get my wife to understand that allowing this type of behavior to escalate will not be good for him, he's already getting C's, D's and a few F's on his report cards, this is something i really don't approve of, i never once got a D or an F in any subject, and to me it says, I DON'T CARE, I QUIT.

 

I'm really stressing about this and the wife and i are fighting like cats and dogs over the "right" way to handle this. My view is to ground his ass. until he takes responsibility for his actions, and her view is, i'm too hard on him.

 

Now i do have a 3 year old, and every morning i get up with him and we clean his room together. I'm very firm with him putting away his toys after play time. I don't know if this type of thing will amount to anything in his future, but i'm hoping that it builds some structure and accountability.

 

The thing that worries me most, is his uncle, who is 36 still lives at home with mommy, and THAT ain't flying in these skies ! ! !

 

 

 

 

I also think that you may want to take the wife out to dinner and sit down and talk in a cival manner of this issue. Take in to account her feelings and then express your feels. This is the type of situation that can spill over into a divorce and that is something i'm sure you don't wnat to have.

 

Understand she's been with im longer then you and he is her natural kid so there will be some resistance on her part to let you do what you feel is right. Talk to her. Encourage her to tell you how she feels 100% and then in turn express your feels on the situation. Make sure she understands that as a man it is your job to prepare this young man for the real world. His grades need to come up and he needs to take responisbility for his persona appearance as well as the appearance of his living area. Personal pride is the corner stone for a health live.

 

If you explain that to her without punch her or burning her with cigarettes and still listen to her without getting mad I believe you could very well end that dinner with an understanding.

 

:takesdr.phillhatoff:

[theeohiostate]

Well, thanks for you thoughts. It has been really helpful to me to see another perspective. It's difficult to raise any children and we all want for them to be successful, happy, independent and healthy.

 

There are probably a thousand ways to achieve this with your kids, but as an adult and father, i must try to be more flexible in my approach and keep the same goals in sight. I may have failed him while trying so hard to better him, knowing that .........................is very depressing.

Edited January 3, 2007 by theeohiostate

[Perchoutofwater]

Is it possible the reason that your wife doesn't want to get involved and wants to baby the kid is because she wants to make sure that she is viewed by the kid as the good parent between her and her ex? If that is the case, you have to somehow tell here that trying to be the kids favorite parent isn't the same thing as being a good parent.

[cliaz]

Well, thanks for you thoughts. It has been really helpful to me to see another perspective. It's difficult to raise any children and we all want, what is for them to be successful, happy, independent and healthy.

 

There are probably a thousand ways to achieve this with your kids, but as an adult and father, i must try to be more flexible in my approach and keep the same goals in sight. I may have failed him while trying so hard to better him, knowing that is very depressing.

 

 

 

Oh I wouldn't say you failed him at all. Just know that in management you have to deal with thousands of different personalities. You have to know how to motivate them. Same thing here. You are the CEO of the theeohiostates. I see no reason to believe you've failed.

[theeohiostate]

Is it possible the reason that your wife doesn't want to get involved and wants to baby the kid is because she wants to make sure that she is viewed by the kid as the good parent between her and her ex? If that is the case, you have to somehow tell here that trying to be the kids favorite parent isn't the same thing as being a good parent.

 

 

 

The ex hasn't been in the boys life, but a few times at most per year in the last 10 years. They don't want anything to do with him, much to my dismay, growing up with a father that past when i was 3. I try to tell them how important it is to see their dad, but they refuse, hide from the phone calls, run from the door the few times he's around.

Edited January 3, 2007 by theeohiostate

[chiefjay]

I think it all stems from being a Buckeye. He was put behind the 8 ball from day one. He has no future, nothing you can do about it. The younger one has the right idea by getting into Mickey D's early.

 

Seriously though, NSAB has the right idea.

 

The kid is going down the wrong path. Sure a lot of us are sloppy in our teenage years and eventually pull it together but we are in a different era now. The bad grades, blatant disrespect for authority, liking the Buckeyes, these are all trouble signs.

 

Take the puter away.

[theeohiostate]

I think it all stems from being a Buckeye. He was put behind the 8 ball from day one.

 

 

 

You may be correct. The youngest has Notre Dame painted in his room and he's doing just fine.

[Azazello1313]

if you make it into a war of wills (which is obviously how you're viewing it, just look at the terminology you chose), you basically lose even if you win. the thing you have to realize and accept is that, as the step-parent, your hands are seriously tied. if it's not coming from your wife, it's coming from "that ass hole who's banging my mom", and it's rarely going to get through. even if you've been a major part of the kid's life since he was a tot, that is all you'll ever be to him as long as he is in his adolescent "rebellious" stage. your wife is in the middle and you simply canNOT let her avoid that responsibility. her escapism could really strain more than one relationship here close to the breaking point. to a large degree, you need to lay off, and she needs to take charge.

 

and for the record, i DO know what i'm talking about here, as i grew up with a stepdad. the guy was there for me since i was 3 years old, and i love him more than i can express for what he did for me. but still there was serious rivalry and resentment there during the teenage years. it was always worse the more it was just me vs. him with mom standing on the sideline.

[theeohiostate]

if you make it into a war of wills (which is obviously how you're viewing it, just look at the terminology you chose)

 

 

 

Not making it a war, just used that term, cause i feel like Devito getting ready to pull the rest of my hair out.

[dug]

you could always send him a link to this post... see how he responds.

[theeohiostate]

Yeah this is theeohiostate's wife and she just wanted to let everyone know that the happiest day of her life will be the day she leaves Mr. Theeohiostate......Gee honey i don't think I liked that quote!!

[Coffeeman]

Yeah this is theeohiostate's wife and she just wanted to let everyone know that the happiest day of her life will be the day she leaves Mr. Theeohiostate......Gee honey i don't think I liked that quote!!

 

 

uh-oh.....

[NSab]

Seriously, I grew up a stepchild myself. The kid needs a parent not a friend. If he is getting bad grades in school, doesn't cooperate with the family. Take all his PC stuff away 1st thing. he doesn't deserve it. After his grades go up, and he starts participating with the family, then he can earn his stuff back. If the computer doesn't work, next is the cell phone etc. I have lived through 4 teenagers, all of whom now are in college or Law School etc. This may seem mean but this technique workd for me for all 4. And my oldest daughter is from my 1st marriage. She especially had to learn the hard way.

Edited January 3, 2007 by NSab

[chiefjay]

Yeah this is theeohiostate's wife and she just wanted to let everyone know that the happiest day of her life will be the day she leaves Mr. Theeohiostate......Gee honey i don't think I liked that quote!!

 

 

Showing your Hooters is required to post in this forum. Just ask any of us.

 

One more thing. Is it as hard to live with TOS as we all think it is? Did he leave the couch on Monday?

 

TIA

[Coffeeman]

Seriously, I grew up a stepchild myself. The kid needs a parent not a friend. If he is getting bad grades in school, doesn't cooperate with the family. Take all his PC stuff away 1st thing. he doesn't deserve it. After his grades go up, and he starts participating with the family, then he can earn his stuff back. If the computer doesn't work, next is the cell phone etc. I have lived through 4 teenagers, all of whom now are in college or Law School etc. This may seem mean but this technique workd for me for all 4. And my oldest daughter is from my 1st marriage. She especially had to learn the hard way.

 

 

I like it NSab - getting 'grounded' doesn't seem to change behavior for them like it did for us, esp. when most of their social interactions/entertainment happens in their room via PC, TV or phone. I think the underlying message is "this stuff is a privilege, not a birthright. When you behave appropriately for your age, you can have your privileges back." thanks....

 

Edit: that being said, the pics didn't seem that horrible. But if it doesn't get cleaned up once every couple days at least, it can get frustrating for parents. Hopefully the usual 'lazy' teen can actually see that a couple minutes each day is actually easier and quicker overall than waiting for a week to clean up a huge mess. (To say nothing of improving his view of himself and his place in the home/world, blah, blah.) Appealing to his ultimate laziness might work here....

Edited January 3, 2007 by Coffeeman

[TimC]

I'll offer my services to smack him around a bit. Only $19.99 with this online coupon. You're welcome in advance.

[TimC]

Yeah this is theeohiostate's wife and she just wanted to let everyone know that the happiest day of her life will be the day she leaves Mr. Theeohiostate......Gee honey i don't think I liked that quote!!

 

 

Are all men pigs? We need an independent opinion on this matter ASAP.

[detlef]

She thinks i'm an ass.

 

She's right.

 

Based on the pathetic logic, inclination to make stupid remarks, and insistance on taking indefensible stances that you've shown time and again on these boards, I have no reason to believe that you have anyone to blame but yourself for the lack of respect your stepson shows you. Honestly, based on your perpetual idiocy, I had you pegged to be about 18 years old yourself, so the only thing about this situation that I find alarming is that you are, in fact, old enough to be married 10 years.

 

My anyway.

[rajncajn]

She's right.

 

Based on the pathetic logic, inclination to make stupid remarks, and insistance on taking indefensible stances that you've shown time and again on these boards, I have no reason to believe that you have anyone to blame but yourself for the lack of respect your stepson shows you. Honestly, based on your perpetual idiocy, I had you pegged to be about 18 years old yourself, so the only thing about this situation that I find alarming is that you are, in fact, old enough to be married 10 years.

 

My anyway.

 

Taking the low road detlef?

[Perchoutofwater]

She's right.

 

Based on the pathetic logic, inclination to make stupid remarks, and insistance on taking indefensible stances that you've shown time and again on these boards, I have no reason to believe that you have anyone to blame but yourself for the lack of respect your stepson shows you. Honestly, based on your perpetual idiocy, I had you pegged to be about 18 years old yourself, so the only thing about this situation that I find alarming is that you are, in fact, old enough to be married 10 years.

 

My anyway.

 

 

SNAP!

 

Damn detlef, I don't remember you being so harsh. Did your hiatus not go so well? Why so bitter?

[yo mama]

I don't think your step son is doing anything that I didn't do during various points in my "growing up" years. Still, even though I rejected a lot of what my parents taught me at THAT time, they still taught me stuff I needed to know. (Work ethic, respecting those that earn it, value of a buck, etc). So even if you aren't seeing results today, you've can't stop doing your job. He needs you to do that job, even if he says differently at the moment.

 

I totally agree that kids need some privacy. But putting a computer/TV in that area of privacy is a mistake, IMO, because it makes it too easy for the kid to isolate themself. And, regardless of the privacy issue, bad grades/bad behavior warrants discipline. The method you choose is totally up to you. But if you can incorporate logic and understanding into the (methphorical) clobbering, I think that's valuable: the kid should understand that your discipline isn't arbitrary. But clobber him, you must. Just make sure you and your wife are united in the effort before you take any action. Otherwise you may be setting the stage for a war on two fronts, which could only make things worse.

Edited January 3, 2007 by yo mama

[detlef]

SNAP!

 

Damn detlef, I don't remember you being so harsh. Did your hiatus not go so well? Why so bitter?

 

I'm actually in fine spirits and have had an enormously satisfying last twelve months. It just so happens that I've been trying to engage this mouthbreather in a spirited debate in the college football forum and essentially all he comes back with is the debate equivalent of wet willies.

 

I found it funny that someone who has shown himself to be on par with the UglyTunas, moneymakers, and Sgt Ryans of the world would have problems getting respect from a kid.

[cliaz]

She's right.

 

Based on the pathetic logic, inclination to make stupid remarks, and insistance on taking indefensible stances that you've shown time and again on these boards, I have no reason to believe that you have anyone to blame but yourself for the lack of respect your stepson shows you. Honestly, based on your perpetual idiocy, I had you pegged to be about 18 years old yourself, so the only thing about this situation that I find alarming is that you are, in fact, old enough to be married 10 years.

 

My anyway.

 

 

 

I'm actually in fine spirits and have had an enormously satisfying last twelve months. It just so happens that I've been trying to engage this mouthbreather in a spirited debate in the college football forum and essentially all he comes back with is the debate equivalent of wet willies.

 

I found it funny that someone who has shown himself to be on par with the UglyTunas, moneymakers, and Sgt Ryans of the world would have problems getting respect from a kid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wow that's harsh