whoopazz Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Well, the old guy next door is in bad shape and I'm not sure if I'm going overboard by going over there and trying to help. He is an old retired Air Force general, tough as nails, and broke his hip last year. Just near full recovery from hip replacement, they got in a car wreck and (his wife told me) he was permanently paralyzed from the waste down. Fast forward to today, I see an ambulance in their driveway, run over to see whats up, and realize that he has been brought home to spend his last days. He's a total vegetable (looked REALLY bad), and they are installing backup power as I write to keep systems running in case of emergency. I asked if she had Hospice care lined up and she says "I'm a nurse, thats what I do". She does have family support (some fairly local, some overseas), but I am literally 10 seconds away if something goes wrong. I've offered to do whatever. I'm considering going over every day to check on her and do whatever the hell it is she needs for help. Is this overboard?, encroaching on family? I don't really know these people but feel like I have to do something. I've even thought about reading to him, but not sure if he can even hear me. Any huddlers with experience with something like this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Personally I wouldn't check in every day. I think by you offering to "do whatever is needed" is definitely good and perhaps you check on him a few times over the next week or so. Real nice of you to treat your neighbor like family though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 I've been there. Some of the oddest things brought my neighbors such joy during the old man's final days. He particularly enjoyed that I brought my dog over for him to pet, as the old man used to sneak the dog treats through our shared chain link fence when he'd mow his lawn. (Seriously, the guy was like 90 and still started up his old-ass hand-pull mower by himself so he could mow his own grass). We'd offered to help and they did call on us once or twice to help move some heavy stuff to the garage to get things all set up. They also appriciated that we made it to the services. I thought we'd have been opening ourselves up to being used, or perhaps on the flip side might be horning in where we hadn't been asked. But in the long run I'm glad I made the offer; its just part of being a good neighbor. I think you should just offer to help, and let them call on you as they see fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 (edited) I've been there. Some of the oddest things brought my neighbors such joy during the old man's final days. He particularly enjoyed that I brought my dog over for him to pet, as the old man used to sneak the dog treats through our shared chain link fence when he'd mow his lawn. (Seriously, the guy was like 90 and still started up his old-ass hand-pull mower by himself so he could mow his own grass). We'd offered to help and they did call on us once or twice to help move some heavy stuff to the garage to get things all set up. They also appriciated that we made it to the services. I thought we'd have been opening ourselves up to being used, or perhaps on the flip side might be horning in where we hadn't been asked. But in the long run I'm glad I made the offer; its just part of being a good neighbor. I think you should just offer to help, and let them call on you as they see fit. Agree, and as I stated, maybe pop in to give him a reminder him that he's "home"... that could ease his mind (hopefully). Edited October 29, 2008 by darin3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbimm Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Anther idea would be to make an extra dinner plate to bring her from time to time. Save her the trouble of cooking a meal for herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 I think you should just offer to help, and let them call on you as they see fit. This is nice, but I think that in general this never ends up going anywhere. You make an offer and then leave it in her court. She's most likely not going to want to bother you even if you've offered to help. You should tell her that it's your intention to come over and help her every day, unless she would rather that you leave them alone. Let her know that you absolutely don't want to intrude, and that it won't hurt your feeligns if she tells you to get lost... but don't leave it up to her to feel like she needs to call and burden you with a request for help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 This is nice, but I think that in general this never ends up going anywhere. You make an offer and then leave it in her court. She's most likely not going to want to bother you even if you've offered to help. You should tell her that it's your intention to come over and help her every day, unless she would rather that you leave them alone. Let her know that you absolutely don't want to intrude, and that it won't hurt your feeligns if she tells you to get lost... but don't leave it up to her to feel like she needs to call and burden you with a request for help. SB is right on. That generation never asked for help. Your time and giving will be appreciated greatly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Checking on her every day is definitely not going overboard. You're being a caring neighbor and are to be commended for your thoughtfulness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 Thanks guys, I have told her several times to ask me for whatever because the Old General has been in failing health for some time. She never asks. They have a gardener to care for the grounds, not sure about everything else. I think I'll skip the doggy (I have the most precious Cocker spaniel) and reading thing because frankly, I don't think he will acknowledge these from what I saw today. I'll just continue to support her and her daughter (not bad at all BTW) in the "I'm here if you need me" mode, and maybe bring over some meals. BTW, the daughter looked me in the eye and asked "are you really prepared to come over here for the worst at moments notice?". Like a dummy, I of course, I said yes. She replied: "thanks, because we will call you if need be ". Wish me luck... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 (edited) Thanks guys, I have told her several times to ask me for whatever because the Old General has been in failing health for some time. She never asks. They have a gardener to care for the grounds, not sure about everything else. I think I'll skip the doggy (I have the most precious Cocker spaniel) and reading thing because frankly, I don't think he will acknowledge these from what I saw today. I'll just continue to support her and her daughter (not bad at all BTW) in the "I'm here if you need me" mode, and maybe bring over some meals. BTW, the daughter looked me in the eye and asked "are you really prepared to come over here for the worst at moments notice?". Like a dummy, I of course, I said yes. She replied: "thanks, because we will call you if need be ". Wish me luck... Eh, skip the dog if you want. But in my situation the old man and the dog had a relationship. He had dementia real bad during the final days, but when my dog came in he snapped back into reality. It was actually a little weird that the old man didn't recognize his wife anymore, but recognized my dog. But my point wasn't that you should bring your dog over; just that you might be surprised at some of the small things you could do that might actually bring the General or his family a bit of relief and comfort. Heck, maybe just bake them a lasagna and have them toss it in the freezer. Some night, when they don't have the strength to cook, it'll find its way into their bellies. Edited October 29, 2008 by yo mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Suggest to her that she makes a 'little things' to do list, so that whenever anyone calls to offer help, she can think of something to say. Remind her that allowing others to help, even in small ways, helps them to feel better too. (sometimes people who have a hard time asking for help find this a good way to put others to use) Consider rounding up your neighbors to make a meals calendar. Have people sign up for making meals and just drop them off. I would consider talking to some of your neighbor's family first to help coordinate it. We've done this for friends who are having serious illness and it's a tremendous help to them not to even have to think about food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 Suggest to her that she makes a 'little things' to do list, so that whenever anyone calls to offer help, she can think of something to say. Remind her that allowing others to help, even in small ways, helps them to feel better too. (sometimes people who have a hard time asking for help find this a good way to put others to use) Consider rounding up your neighbors to make a meals calendar. Have people sign up for making meals and just drop them off. I would consider talking to some of your neighbor's family first to help coordinate it. We've done this for friends who are having serious illness and it's a tremendous help to them not to even have to think about food. I like these ideas. I'll ask her for a "honey do" list. There must be tons of stuff to do since they own a nice home. Also, I could get the other neighbors to set a meal schedule (obviously, the General doesn't eat and "Jane" is probably not a big eater either), but she has family there most of the time. BTW, now that you're here Cz,...they have a nasty dog. Big yellow lab that bites, but she loves him dearly. Suppose I should just approach cautiously and ask her to keep that bastard in the garage?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrobn26 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Suggest to her that she makes a 'little things' to do list, so that whenever anyone calls to offer help, she can think of something to say. Remind her that allowing others to help, even in small ways, helps them to feel better too. (sometimes people who have a hard time asking for help find this a good way to put others to use) Consider rounding up your neighbors to make a meals calendar. Have people sign up for making meals and just drop them off. I would consider talking to some of your neighbor's family first to help coordinate it. We've done this for friends who are having serious illness and it's a tremendous help to them not to even have to think about food. All good stuff above, but to add to Czar's post....when the inevitable happens, do a neighbor canvass for donations and either buy her some flowers, donation to their charity, etc.. We did this for a neighbor just last year. The wife was ever so grateful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Good idea, Czar! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrudge Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Eh, skip the dog if you want. But in my situation the old man and the dog had a relationship. He had dementia real bad during the final days, but when my dog came in he snapped back into reality. It was actually a little weird that the old man didn't recognize his wife anymore, but recognized my dog.Before my grandmother died a few years ago, she had so many strokes that the family stopped counting. Between the strokes and Alzheimers, she pretty much didn't remember anyone. She was like this for several years. One year, my dad just happened to be in the area (we're in Indiana, she was in Arkansas) and stopped in at the nursing home unannounced. He couldn't stay long and see other family, just his mother and didn't tell any family that he had stopped in for about a week after. Come to find out, just after that visit, she became very lucid for several days talking about how my dad came to visit her and how they talked about things ....but no one believed her. Sometimes someone or something can momentarily fire the right neurons and people who we though were lost mentally momentarily come back. I agree with pretty much everything else that others have said. Don't make yourself a nuisance, but just saying "if you need something" and not pushing it any further probably won't result in you doing anything. When in the past people in our church were in similar situations or had a major surgery or the like, one of the things that most people have really appreciated was making a casserole dish that can be heated up easily and quickly one evening. Taking over something that is hot already may result in it going to waste if they already had plans or made something. Depending on the emotional state of the family (or what you want to handle), maybe just going over and having coffee, talking, etc can be appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Throw the dog a big, juicy bone...far away from where you'll be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Irish Doggy Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Throw the dog a big, juicy bone...far away from where you'll be. Seriously, never been a dog alive that didn't enjoy a person liberally handing out scooby snacks. And good for you, whoopazz. Well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 (edited) Update, the old General passed away peacefully and at home on Friday December 5th at 5:30 PM, he will be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. I saw him on Thursday late at night and it was BAD. I have offered to have his wife over a few times between now and Xmas for company (after her kids go back to their business), but all else seems to be in line, I'll keep an eye on the grounds and whenever we have bad weather. He was ready to go and she's at peace with that. Such is the circle of life. Thanks for all your suggestions, I like to think I've helped her a little through this tough time. Edited December 9, 2008 by whoopazz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 God bless him and his family - which definitely includes you on an extended level. You are a true gentleman for doing what you did for him and his family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I'm sure she'll appreciate your gestures more than you'll ever know. That kind of neighborliness is sorely missing from the world today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retrograde assault Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 You're a good neighbor man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pig devilz Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 you did help her in a tough time. you did the right thing. keep an eye on her, visit, call, during these next few weeks and months she may need you more now than when he was dying. good human work on your part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrTed46 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 You're a good neighbor man. +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Irish Doggy Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Mr. Rogers got nothin' on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 Mr. Rogers got nothin' on you. Can you say wimpy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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