Rovers Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 3pm. I arrive at the super market parking lot. It's full. Of course there is the usual line up of cars waiting for a spot near the entrance, because walking over 250 feet would mean cardiac arrest for some of these 300 pounders, and I find a spot at the far end of the lot. Parking so far away, it was easy to find a shopping cart. I really didn't need one, but I had noticed there weren't any near the store entrance. At this point, I decided this would be more than a shopping trip. I would get some revenge against the aisle blockers, the fat cow grazers and generally make what would usually be another annoying food shopping trip an entertaining foray into the world of Joe Q Public. As I approach the automatic doors, I see some 300 pounders limping around, and looking at my cart like a starving dog eyeing a pound of chop meat. Uh-oh... one comes wobbling over.... sure enough, she wants my cart. I could tell. I speed up. She starts wobbling faster. I hit a slow trot, pretending to avoid the maniacs driving at 20MPH in the parking lot because the milk might be gone within seconds. I veer away from her... still, she continues her persuit. I'm almost past the Salvation Army guy, and a big fat hand lands on top of mine. The fingers are barely discernable, lost in the lipids that make them nearly unrecognizable. Stubs they are. Fat, little chubby stubs. With great trepidation, I slowly raise my eyes towards the trunk of the beast that apparently is in control of this appendage. I'm terrified. Rather than actually looking into the eyes of the beast... I run! The automatic door is sluggish in the cold. It takes forever to open. I push it open with the cart, and I hear some high pitched squealing behind me. I am now at level two, the door slowly closes behind me as the din from outside fades to a distant sort of dying animal sound. I'm in a video game. At least in my mind. I enter the produce department. It's a ghost town. Fully stocked. But void of any threats. I select some nice looking Idaho taters, a few apples and some leafy greens for salad. Grab a red onion. The threat level indicator here is at minimum. I exit, and head towards the meats. I turn the corner, and the threat level indicator jumps to 7. Surveting the scenario, I see several aisle blockages accompanied by Jabba the Hut-like operators. I stealthilly park my space ship in an out of the way place. I send in an away team. Phasers set to stun. Remembering the prime directive, I observe the sale signs from a distance, and make my move. Two "Huts" seem to be arguing, and I grab a Perdue chicken right from under their noses. Hah! The next challenge is the dairy aisle. I have no delusions about the danger involved here. I pretend to cruise by under impulse power, and grab a half gallon of 2% before the defenders even knew what hit them. I did take a purse strike in the ribs, but the shields were up. Damage report from deck 3 was minimal. Deck 4 remained undamaged, thank goodness. Now, just cheese, bread, beer and dog food left. Cheese was surprisingly easy. Nuthin like grilled cheese sammiches in a blizzard I thought. But then I turn towards the bread. The planet is decimated. The Borg must have been here. The entire mission is in jeopardy. Then I scanned a stand alone island. There it was. Still nearly half full. Fresh bread. Beamed up a loaf, and was on my way. Apparently, since the Man-Jabbas were still at work, beer was easy. The dog food aisle was empty. I guess most dogs don't eat when it snows. Now... to find a worm hole at the checkouts. I look. Every Jabba had a full cart. Some had two of them. I wondered how they could manage two. I mean they can barely walk. No wonder the Jabba outside was willing to attack for my star ship. Slowly, I scan... three, four deep. The blizzard meteor storm of tomorrow would surely arrive before I cleared interstellar customs. Then... there it was. The express check out. Empty. I look down. One bag of spuds. Lettuces (2). Red onion. Chicken. Cheese. Milk, bread beer. Small bag of apples. Two cans dog food. I am under the limit. I notice a full unused pile of hand baskets. I cruise into the worm hole and am gone in the blink of an eye. I hesitate as I approach the door. Is that Jabba still out there? I grab my bags and 12 pack. I pull the cart behind me. The door opens. I make a run for it, and the Jabbas forget me and battle over the cart. OK, so maybe it's lame... but this trip to the market was forkin nuts. Fat ass idiots fighting and bumping their way around the store like it was armegedon. Note to self: Be sure to go food shopping between Dec 15-18 in 2012. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 you were at my super market? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeeR Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 beer was easy. You wish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Good stuff, Rovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gbpfan1231 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Welcome to Wisconsin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cliaz Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 You wish. Are you freaking kidding me? Obviously you are a racist or ghey. Which one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skrappy1 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Are you freaking kidding me? Obviously you are a racist or ghey. Which one? What makes you think that it's necessarily one or the other? These things are not mutually exclusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Dude, bravo - that was absolutely histerical! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Nicely done, and oh so true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiegie Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeeR Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Are you freaking kidding me? Obviously you are a racist or ghey. Which one? ? First time drunk? Well tis the season - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clubfoothead Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 You forgot potable water. Stay warm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaterMan Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 It's scary at the first of the month when everyone gets their government help, and when it's senior discount wednesday, and payday friday, and when everyone is off on saturday, and like in your case when bad weather is coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbimm Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 That was great Rovers. I liked it back before Katrina when the grocery stores were open 24-7. I used to go at 2 or 3 in the morning and had the place to myself save a few drunken college kids restocking their respective parties. Now I hit the store at 7 am before all the card carriers even think about waking up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westvirginia Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 What's the matter with you guys? I haven't set foot inside the grocery store in years. I hand her $200 and her shoes and tell her to go. I actually did have to go the last couple weeks she was pregnant. Man I hate the f'n grocery store. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowboutthemCowboys Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Man I hate the f'n grocery store. Not me. Wegmans is probly in the top 3 of any stores for me. I like food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrobn26 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Funny stuff, Rovers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chavez Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I liked it back before Katrina when the grocery stores were open 24-7. I used to go at 2 or 3 in the morning and had the place to myself save a few drunken college kids restocking their respective parties. Now I hit the store at 7 am before all the card carriers even think about waking up. Dunno about N'awlins, but if you don't/can't do the dead of night thing, I've found hereabouts that about 8-9 am Sunday morning is pretty hassle-free. All the good people are in church or doing breakfast with the family, all the sh*tbags are hung over or doing the walk of shame out of a stranger's apartment, leaving the store wide open for boring agnostics like myself.* * - this is an assumption, I haven't exactly polled my fellow shoppers on their religious views/marital status. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Dunno about N'awlins, but if you don't/can't do the dead of night thing, I've found hereabouts that about 8-9 am Sunday morning is pretty hassle-free. All the good people are in church or doing breakfast with the family, all the sh*tbags are hung over or doing the walk of shame out of a stranger's apartment, leaving the store wide open for boring agnostics like myself.* * - this is an assumption, I haven't exactly polled my fellow shoppers on their religious views/marital status. I agree with the Sunday morning thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Well done Rovers! I laughed my ass off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I agree with the Sunday morning thing. Nope. The complete extent of my religious observance is to treat Sunday as a day of rest, which means newspaper, lineups and nine hours of football. Except the third Sunday of the month when I have to go into work for three or four hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Dunno about N'awlins, but if you don't/can't do the dead of night thing, I've found hereabouts that about 8-9 am Sunday morning is pretty hassle-free. All the good people are in church or doing breakfast with the family, all the sh*tbags are hung over or doing the walk of shame out of a stranger's apartment, leaving the store wide open for boring agnostics like myself.* * - this is an assumption, I haven't exactly polled my fellow shoppers on their religious views/marital status. I agree with the Sunday morning thing. +3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chavez Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Nope. The complete extent of my religious observance is to treat Sunday as a day of rest, which means newspaper, lineups and nine hours of football. Except the third Sunday of the month when I have to go into work for three or four hours. That is awesome. One less fat old guy clogging up the supermarket on Sunday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westvirginia Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 That is awesome. One less fat old guy clogging up the supermarket on Sunday. As grouchy as ursa is, he'd probably be ramming you with his cart... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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