Shouldn't the parents step in?

[Bier Meister]

az->

det->

 

 

 

 

 

bier->

[Big John]

det->

He is bald

[detlef]

But you are the ones that are the adults and have made the decision to allow her to come into your life this often. Not saying the parents shouldn't check up to make sure it is okay for her to come over, but the fact is, from the way you have presented the story, you and your wife more often than not say yes to this child, and by constantly allowing her to come in or offering to take her places (I would assume that your wife has the parents permission to take the child to the farmers market, etc.), it appears you are implicitly stating that you have no problem with the current arrangement.

 

Now, I say this as someone that has kids and has lots of neighborhood kids coming over to play. If I don't want them over, I tell them now is not a good time. I don't need to give them a reason, I don't even need to have one. I say no when I don't want them over, I say yes when it is okay. Additionally, I also try to make it a point to make sure that a parent/guardian of the child that is coming over is aware of the kid's location, make sure they don't need to be home at a certain time, let them know if I need to leave by a certain time so they know when the child is likely to return, etc.

 

Also, and I believe this is where you are coming from, if my kids are going to someone else's place to play, I will take them over there and make sure it is okay and check on the arrangements. Granted, my kids are much younger than the scenario you are in, and when they are closer to that age, I could see them asking to go to a neighbor's house and me letting them go, trusting that they will go where they say they are going and will come back if they are not able to play there.

As I've stated already. We do send her home. Probably as often as we invite her in. But that's not the issue. The issue is that I can't imagine being in her parent's position and just assuming that, since they've yet to hear from us so far, that we're completely fine with having her daughter come by basically every day, often more than once, and asking if she can hang out. Essentially, leaving it entirely up to us to create any and all boundaries up to and including even when she should test those boundaries.

 

Because that's what it's come to. Her testing those boundaries basically every day.

 

I get the whole "feed a stray" bit. But here's the thing. She's not a stray. She has parents. So there's actually someone who is more responsible for her than we are who should be polite enough to at least initiate the conversation with us. I get the fact that we shouldn't expect any differently from her. She's a kid. My issue is not with her. My issue is with her folks for just washing their hands of the situation and assuming that her defacto daycare is more than happy with the arrangement.

 

Think about it this way. Us calling them may or may not be an easy conversation. Us calling them may mean, should her parents not be cool, actually getting her in trouble, or grounded or something unfair to her. There is the chance of it getting confrontational if her parents want it to. We don't know that. Them calling us has no chance, what-so-ever of going the wrong way. Either we say, "Oh yeah, it's fine, she can come over whenever she wants or." "Gee, thanks for asking. We think your daughter is great but, since you ask, we do think this should be hemmed in a bit."

[TimC]

So a 12 year old comes over and helps you sort socks and actually enjoys it?

 

I'd put her to work...wash and wax the car, powerwash the house, vaccuum, empty the dishwasher. Heck, it's like having your very own slave you don't have to feed and find a place in the barn to sleep.

[detlef]

is it out of the question that she talks to the kid herself? I mean, I think talking to the parent might be a good idea in addition (particularly if there is any sort of handicap at play), but it might be nice to treat the 12 year old young lady as an actual person. she'd probably get more out of it.

 

 

MEOW!

 

the low-hanging fruit, phrase plucked out of context was the entirety of your post (before you edited it after I replied).

 

also, I stopped keeping score a long time ago as my own little "mercy rule"

 

:highfive:

The above is a response you wrote to me already saying that we're going to talk to her parents. So, I'm guessing you were already aware we'd decided to do this before you wrote your inane bit about us calling the cops rather than simply talking to her parents? Safe to say? I mean, don't get me wrong. It would have been a great "gotcha moment" had that not already been put to bed.

 

But let me actually again address your point above. Just so I have this clear. This is a child who may have some sort of learning disorder. And you're saying that, perhaps we should talk to the parents about this, but absolutely should confront the kid? Seriously? Can you envision any way at all that could go south? I sure as hell can. I mean, I also covered the possibility of the learning disorder in the very post you made that response to.

 

On the other hand, we can bring up the situation with the parents and they may actually volunteer info about any condition she may have. Gee, wouldn't that be handy and far preferable to quite possibly messing with a kid that has issues?

Edited July 26, 2011 by detlef

[evil_gop_liars]

Edited July 26, 2011 by evil_gop_liars

[Clubfoothead]

The ultimate issue is your wife can't be friends with the neighborhood girls because your wife is an adult. That's why both times it has become tiresome to some extent. I think you can be friendly with the neighborhood kids without being their friends.

 

Your wife should check out the local girl scout troop or junior high to see if they need volunteers for anything, coach a sport or help with some music or theatre stuff. It would give your wife the interaction with the girls she enjoys and it would benefit the kids. You have a nice boundary set up too as the interaction is not taking place in your home.

[Scooby's Hubby]

When I was 12 me and a buddy would go over to a widower's house. He was nearing 80. We would watch The People's Court with him. That was the extent of our stay (30 min). My parents eventually told me "don't wear out your welcome". That was the first time I really thought about it. I think the girl is at that age. If she is anything like I was maybe you'll get a homemade pie during the holidays (I always got my mom to make him a pie around xmas).

[detlef]

The ultimate issue is your wife can't be friends with the neighborhood girls because your wife is an adult. That's why both times it has become tiresome to some extent. I think you can be friendly with the neighborhood kids without being their friends.

 

Your wife should check out the local girl scout troop or junior high to see if they need volunteers for anything, coach a sport or help with some music or theatre stuff. It would give your wife the interaction with the girls she enjoys and it would benefit the kids. You have a nice boundary set up too as the interaction is not taking place in your home.

That seems unfortunate for all involved. Unfortunate for the girls because they do enjoy the time and learn some cool things. Unfortunate for my wife because she does to, provided they keep it in check. Unfortunate for the parents because, provided they initiate just a little control, they do get someone to take their kids off their hands for a few afternoons a week.

 

Seems like something that would be better fixed than shut down.

[bpwallace49]

I thought I solvd this problem on the first page . . .

[wiegie]

Maybe the parents think their daughter is doing you a favor by being the surrogate daughter that you never had. Perhaps they wanted to tell you that they think their daughter spends too much time at your home, but they are worried you will start crying because now you will have to go back to "being childless" again. The parents probably force the poor little girl to come over and spend time with you and pretend that she likes it because they are doing you a favor. But secretly they all wish that she didn't have to come over.

[TimC]

I thought I solvd this problem on the first page . . .

 

It's a detlef thread, so we're not allowed to unanimously answer the question, "Shouldn't the parents step in?" with a simple "yes" and that's the end of it.

[SEC=UGA]

It's a detlef thread, so we're not allowed to unanimously answer the question, "Shouldn't the parents step in?" with a simple "yes" and that's the end of it.

 

Have some class and let him rant, you fu(k.

 

BTW, I got this game worn, autographed, Romo home Jersey from a friend of my wife's who knows I like football, but doesn't realize I hate the Cowboys. I'm gonna set it on fire and wanted your e-mail addy so I could send you the video.

[TimC]

Have some class and let him rant, you fu(k.

 

BTW, I got this game worn, autographed, Romo home Jersey from a friend of my wife's who knows I like football, but doesn't realize I hate the Cowboys. I'm gonna set it on fire and wanted your e-mail addy so I could send you the video.

 

I'm gonna send a 12-year old Tony Romo over to your house, hang out with you everyday, teach you how to hold an extra point snap that will defeat an inferior opponent from a hippie city that shouldn't even exist in America and has no business having a baseball or football team and mix up all yer socks until they commit you. Punk.

[Savage Beatings]

Girl #1 outgrew the clingy stage... maybe Girl #2 will as well.

 

Sounds like she is fairly unique for a little girl and sounds like she has a very gentle heart (just wanting to hang out and help with chores). If you were a man of faith I might suggest that God is bringing her to Diana for a reason (maybe for some kind of special blessing or preparation for future events). Possibly for the benefit of both the girl and your wife. It's been my experience that the people we are supposed to love in this life are rarely chosen, but are more often thrust upon us without any prior consent.

 

There is a neighbor girl accross the street from me who is about 7 or 8 years old. She constantly goes next door to an older couple's home (they are in their early 60's - kids are grown and moved out). I joke around that she is like Dennis the Menace over bothering poor Mr. Wilson all the time. But the truth is, the older couple don't "seem to" mind and they even seem to encourage it by always giving her treats, etc. Not sure if my neighbors have had the kind of talk that you guys require, but it wouldn't surprise me if they have discussed it in order to set boundaries.

[detlef]

Girl #1 outgrew the clingy stage... maybe Girl #2 will as well.

 

Sounds like she is fairly unique for a little girl and sounds like she has a very gentle heart (just wanting to hang out and help with chores). If you were a man of faith I might suggest that God is bringing her to Diana for a reason (maybe for some kind of special blessing or preparation for future events). Possibly for the benefit of both the girl and your wife. It's been my experience that the people we are supposed to love in this life are rarely chosen, but are more often thrust upon us without any prior consent.

 

There is a neighbor girl accross the street from me who is about 7 or 8 years old. She constantly goes next door to an older couple's home (they are in their early 60's - kids are grown and moved out). I joke around that she is like Dennis the Menace over bothering poor Mr. Wilson all the time. But the truth is, the older couple don't "seem to" mind and they even seem to encourage it by always giving her treats, etc. Not sure if my neighbors have had the kind of talk that you guys require, but it wouldn't surprise me if they have discussed it in order to set boundaries.

Nice thoughts. And, again, we like the kid and do enjoy her being around from time to time. Gotta laugh a bit at the implication about the sign from god about what may come, for no other reason than, if that happens, we've got major, major problems because I got snipped several years back. Assuming that's what you were referring to.

 

I do appreciate the bit about those who we're supposed to love perhaps being thrust upon us and we do enjoy and take somewhat seriously even the minor role we have in this kid's life. I keep on her about how often she shows up on her bike without a helmet (she hasn't once forgotten to do so since I really put my foot down), Diana's influence I've noted above.

 

Honestly, I have faith that her parents are reasonable and do hope that we can just come to a suitable situation where she gives us a little room and can continue to come over so my wife and her can enjoy one anothers company from time to time. Like I've said. To a degree, we "don't mind" either but are just a bit surprised and somewhat disappointed with her parents for not checking in and making sure this is all cool. Inane examples of why this may not make sense made for no good reason than to be a contrarian d-bag aside, it just seems reasonable.

Edited July 26, 2011 by detlef

[SEC=UGA]

You guys are giving him a hard time, but I've had a very similar scenario playing out lately.

 

There is this 17 yo hottie that keeps coming over to my house in her skimpy bikini to swim in my pool... I've only talked to her parents once or twice, our dogs play with one another at the fence as they live in the subdivision that backs up to my house. I came home the other day and she was laying there on her stomach top untied and bikini bottom pulled together in her crack to get more sun on her toned buttocks. I'm contemplating calling them and checking to see if it is ok for her to be over at the house so much.

 

My wife isn't too thrilled about all of this, she thinks there need to be some boundaries and that this girl may have a "thing" for me. I told her not to worry about this whole thing, that the girl was just lonely and really enjoyed our pool and our company. Then my wife got really upset about us having a tickle fight by the pool when she came home from work the other day.

 

So, how do you think I should handle this? Should I just tell her not to come over anymore or should I call her parents up and have them talk to her. She's supposed to come over tomorrow afternoon and hang out, she was really exited about keeping me company when she found out that my wifew had a conference to attend after work and wouldn't be home til late. We're gonna grill out some wieners and she said something about her bringing over a cherry pie with whipped cream. Should I talk to her about it then?

 

Any thoughts?

[Savage Beatings]

Nice thoughts. And, again, we like the kid and do enjoy her being around from time to time. Gotta laugh a bit at the implication about the sign from god about what may come, for no other reason than, if that happens, we've got major, major problems because I got snipped several years back. Assuming that's what you were referring to.

 

Nah, I wasn't really trying to imply that pregnancy is in your future... I was more thinking about the girl. Maybe she needs Diana in a way that will help her more than you guys will ever know (but then again, maybe not). Think about how many times you hear about a kid who is different or doesn't have many friends and then later on its revealed that they were almost gonna kill themselves but for a random kind phone call, etc. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to lay guilt or responsibility on you for this girl... I'm just saying that sometimes these special relationships happen for a reason.

[Savage Beatings]

Any thoughts?

 

Do you by chance wear crocs and read a book out by the pool a lot?

[bpwallace49]

Do you by chance wear crocs and read a book out by the pool a lot?

 

Love the deep cut there . . .

[Big John]

Do you by chance wear crocs

Muck is the one who wears crocs.

[matt770]

The Croc folks have branched out into some decent looking casual footwear recently. I almost bought a pair myself.

[detlef]

Nah, I wasn't really trying to imply that pregnancy is in your future... I was more thinking about the girl. Maybe she needs Diana in a way that will help her more than you guys will ever know (but then again, maybe not). Think about how many times you hear about a kid who is different or doesn't have many friends and then later on its revealed that they were almost gonna kill themselves but for a random kind phone call, etc. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to lay guilt or responsibility on you for this girl... I'm just saying that sometimes these special relationships happen for a reason.

Gotcha. Well, this sort of speaks to the reason of our quandary. Wanting our space, but really wanting to tread lightly so she doesn't get hurt. Just in case. Diana does look out for her and, I think, has been a good example. Here's an example of something that went down that I'm sure has contributed to the "problem" but something neither of us regrets at all for going down.

 

One time when she was over, she was talking to Diana about how the other girls were ignoring her and avoiding her and how bad it made her feel. I forgot what Diana said to her about this. But this was right around the time when our chickens were just old enough to be outside, so all the neighborhood kids were wanting to come by. Well, one time Diana and the girl were out in the garden and the other girls came by wanting to hang out. The same ones that had been mean to her. Diana told them that they were welcome to come in and have a look at the chickens, but that the two of them had made plans to hang out today so they'd have to come by another time. Maybe to make her look "cool" in front of the others. Needless to say, not long after, they were all playing across the street together.

[Azazello1313]

you're saying that, perhaps we should talk to the parents about this, but absolutely should confront the kid? Seriously?

 

"confront" the kid? I don't see why it needs to be confrontational. it's a simple matter of saying, "I need you not to call me while I'm at work unless it's some kind of emergency", and telling her she's busy sometimes when the kid wants to come over or whatever. yes, 12 year-olds are often not so great at establishing boundaries by themselves, and they rely on the adults in their lived to help them with that. my point in saying that your wife should talk to her directly is that it can be helpful for the kid's emotional development to sometimes learn stuff like this from people other than her parents. all I'm really trying to say is it might be a good idea to look at the situation and treat her like a young person with her own agency, rather than the kid of those annoying schmucks across the street who don't control their kid.

[Bier Meister]

You guys are giving him a hard time, but I've had a very similar scenario playing out lately.

 

There is this 17 yo hottie that keeps coming over to my house in her skimpy bikini to swim in my pool... I've only talked to her parents once or twice, our dogs play with one another at the fence as they live in the subdivision that backs up to my house. I came home the other day and she was laying there on her stomach top untied and bikini bottom pulled together in her crack to get more sun on her toned buttocks. I'm contemplating calling them and checking to see if it is ok for her to be over at the house so much.

 

My wife isn't too thrilled about all of this, she thinks there need to be some boundaries and that this girl may have a "thing" for me. I told her not to worry about this whole thing, that the girl was just lonely and really enjoyed our pool and our company. Then my wife got really upset about us having a tickle fight by the pool when she came home from work the other day.

 

So, how do you think I should handle this? Should I just tell her not to come over anymore or should I call her parents up and have them talk to her. She's supposed to come over tomorrow afternoon and hang out, she was really exited about keeping me company when she found out that my wifew had a conference to attend after work and wouldn't be home til late. We're gonna grill out some wieners and she said something about her bringing over a cherry pie with whipped cream. Should I talk to her about it then?

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

do we know her level of tardness?