Cheating Spouse

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

Is it bad for me to ask what your religion is?

[REZ]

That sucks. Some decent advise above in a variety of the posts.

Only you know if you can move past this and remain with her.

I know I would have a heckuva time staying with somebody who cheated on me for 4 years but that's me.

Best of luck to you.

[Brent]

Is it bad for me to ask what your religion is?

 

 

Baptist.

 

And no I have never cheated on her. To be honest, I wouldnt have believed she would have ever cheat either. I could have found out about the text message and cell stuff back in December, if I would have just looked. Though I never thought I had a reason to do so.

 

 

Her affair started in December, and I fill guilty for some of the things I have done. Which is why I have considered taking her back. The problem is she started cheating 3 yrs before that, and I dont have a clue why. Even she cant offer a reason, other than she felt lonely and he said to her what she said she needed to hear. But we were not having problems then, and we had a 1 yr old daughter at the time, we both enjoyed spending time with.

Edited July 31, 2008 by Brent

[Savage Beatings]

I really hate reading through this thread... but I've read every word, and it just makes me feel so sad for you.

 

I have not gone through this myself. But my brother and my sister have both gone through this recently (one of them the cheater and one of them the victim). My parents went through it when I was a kid, but now they are back together against all odds. My Mother cheated, and moved out for a number of years. Later, they reconciled. Now they are growing old together in retirement.

 

Some people stay together, but not always because they forgive the cheater or can get past the mistrust. A lot of people are more afraid of losing their kids, the house, their neighbors, etc. than they are of losing their cheating spouse. It's a huge investment that we make in that one other person (on so many different levels). Not at all easy to cut that deep investment loose, even after the ultimate betrayal.

 

I know that some people stay together just until the kids are grown up and then they split up. That's certainly a lot of time to spend pretending, but on the other hand it also gives you the opportunity to let time and familiarity help to heal the wounds.

 

I guess I can only say what I would do in that situation (and realistically, I wouldn't know for sure until it happened) but I think that I would bail. I'm a very jealous man. It's a vice, i know, but it's the reality of who I am. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to get past it.

 

You know yourself. Is it possible? Can you in time get past it? You have some very tough questions to answer... and I guess the only advice that I have is, to try your best to honestly answer those questions before you take any drastic actions one way or the other.

 

I'm sorry. Good luck!

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

Baptist.

 

And no I have never cheated on her. To be honest, I wouldnt have believed she would have ever cheat either. I could have found out about the text message and cell stuff back in December, if I would have just looked. Though I never thought I had a reason to do so.

 

 

Her affair started in December, and I fill guilty for some of the things I have done. Which is why I have considered taking her back. The problem is she started cheating 3 yrs before that, and I dont have a clue why. Even she cant offer a reason, other than she felt lonely and he said to her what she said she needed to hear.

IMO a marriage is a bond. Cheating while dating is totally different than once you are married. When you cheat you break that bond. I am a product of a divorce.My father cheated when I was 9 months old, and my mother left him. I have a great relationship with both. But all my life I have been around kids whose parents tried to make it work to benefit the kids. Which in my opinion is the worst thing to do. If i were in your shoes, I would think seriously about taking this and turning it into a positive. Stats show that a large percentage of marriages don't work. It's sad but true, and there are lots of services offered to help a family get thru situations like this. If you are a religious person, you could look at it like I myself look at a lot of bad things in life...God did this for a reason.

 

It is your duty to make sure you do what's best for your kids, and in turn you will be stronger for it. Have you talked to the 13 year old about the situation?

 

This is a crucial time for you, but you have to let time pass and see how you feel about things once you brain isn't the consistency of jello pudding.

 

Take the advice of everyone, and surround yourself with friends/family/and even your pastor. Stay active, and make sure you take advantage of every moment you can to spend with your kids.

 

In your story when you had problems, you stayed active, spending some of the time coaching your kids. What was it you said she was doing during that time? Nuff said.

 

 

I don't know you, nor am I married. I am 32 and could be, but have said I wasn't gonna do it unless 100% sure. I also know that if I ever DO get married, and had a family, the moment my wife betrayed my family, then that would be the end of it. I wouldn't look at it as her cheating on me...but her cheating on her family. It goes along the same lines as "I would never kill anyone, unless they threatened my family or my kids."

 

 

Harsh? Maybe...

 

And if it is I apologize, but you seem like you got your shyt together, and to read your story absolutely makes my stomach turn in knots. I am sorry for your situation and wish you the very best.

 

 

And cheers to you for being the better man and not beating the ever loving crap out of him...

 

 

if it were me, and it was someone I knew? I would have re-arranged some of his facial features....and made my wife watch....and persuaded his to join in.

Edited July 31, 2008 by KSUChiefsTarheelFan

[CaP'N GRuNGe]

Nothing much to add other than to make sure to spend time thinking about your choices before you make them. Talking to a professional is probably a really good idea. I wish for you, your kids, and even your wife and the other couple involved to come out of all this with a sense of peace.

[wildcat2334]

ok, nothing excuses what she did. again ... nothing excuses what she did. but dude ...

 

 

 

what did you expect?

 

you both need to be putting aside your own individual needs and be thinking about what is best for the kids at this point. you both screwed up ... you in how you treated your wife and she in how she responded. so now it's time to think less about you and all about your kids. it's obvious they are better off with both parents in their lives each day, but not if you two are not able to find a way to coexist that is not destructive to them.

 

 

dats bullchit dood - the affair started back in '04 - newborn kid, and he thought all was well

 

the what did you expect?? card is lame

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

dats bullchit dood - the affair started back in '04 - newborn kid, and he thought all was well

 

the what did you expect?? card is lame

+1

[TheShiznit]

Has anyone here been the victim of a cheating spouse. And what did you do. Take them back, or walk.

 

 

My story -

 

Ive been with my wife 15 yrs, we have a 13 yr old daughter, 7 year old son, and a 5 yr old daughter.

 

I found out on July 5 of this yr that my wife had been having an affair, with one of her co-workers. What is ironic, is I also worked at this company as well until last November, and knew the guy. At a 4th of July party, I got a text message that seemed odd, it had no number associated with it. My wife told me I should go to ATT.com and see if the number shows up there. So around 1 AM, when we got back home, I went to ATT.com and there was no number there either. But as I was backing out, I noticed on my daughters phone line, she had 3000 text messages, which was a ton, but for a teenager, seemed to fit. I had about 300 text messages, usually back and forth with my wife, and then my wifes phone has 1500 text messages. I thought that was odd, who was she texting so much. So I clicked on her number, and I noticed she was texting someone back and forth right now for the past 10 minutes. And the strange thing about it, the number showed to be our home phone number. Im thinking, how can you text a home phone, and on top of that, all my kids are staying with friends, so there is no one home but her and I. So i clicked on the blue hyperlink, which is the number, and a box pops up. Its an alias box, where you can name friends, family etc. But instead of putting a name in this box that shows up online or on your bill, she populated this box with our home phone number. Immediately I called the number, and it went to voicemail, and I recognized the voice and name.

 

I immediately confront her, and she says she is helping this guy out, he is going through a divorce and is suicidal. So the next day, I look this guy up on his home phone, and sure enough his wife answers. I ask her if her and her husband are having problems, she says no way, better than ever. At this point I tell her we have a problem. I looked at past phone and text records and there are hundreds of each ranging from day time stuff during working days, to 11 Pm to 1 AM almost every night once Ive gone to bed. She tells me there have been strange ATM withdrawls on his payday, that he cant explain, which she believes was a gambling habit. She tells me he is out of town at his brothers house, and invites me over to compare notes. When I get there, I see he has 2 daughters 12 and 8, and a attractive wife who is shaking she is so scared her worst fear is true.

 

 

Well we compare cell records and show during the day there are work phone calls to each cell almost every day, but every other Friday, there are cell phone to cell phone calls for like 10 minutes, then nothing for 2 hrs, then another cell to cell call for 10 minutes. This is strange for several reasons, first its the only days they talk cell to cell, which means they are both at lunch at the same time, and almost a 2 and a half hr lunch at that. So we look at the bank records, and magically there is $80 ATM withdrawls just after the 1st phone call. Its now painfully obvious, the ride to the hotel in seperate vehicles, talking the way there, he gets cash, then they talk 2 hrs later while each driving back to the office. So we know now its an affair. And it looks to go back all the way till December, 1 month after I stop working for this company.

 

Tina, the other mans wife confronts her husband later that day with the evidence and she threatens to leave the state with his girls, where her family lives, if he doesnt tell the truth. Dude sings like a canary. At the same time, I confront my wife and she denies anything but being a good friend, and feeds the gambling problem ATMs he is doing. It isnt until Tina the other wife calls me and says, he told her everything, that my wife finally breaks down. But she denies everything until I already know the facts from them. Not only that, but this started 3 yrs earlier than we thought, July 04. But according to him, it was spread out to one time, then they wouldnt talk for weeks, even months, then it would happen again, then same thing. At first it seemed to be every time I pissed her off, she would tell him, and he would prey on that for sex. Tina called me and said her husband wanted to talk to me, he wanted to apologize. I said sure put the POS on the phone, and he was already listening in. He said he preyed on her vulnerabilty early on, said he tried having sex with her every other Friday since 04, but she wanted no part of that, and she felt guilty after each of the 7 encounters from July 04 to this past December. If I didnt know better, I would have thought my wife put him up to saying all this, but his wife is actually on the phone listening to her husband tell me, he preyed on her. And told her he loved her, told her he would leave his wife for her, etc. I was in shock the other woman would even consider taking him back, but this has happened with them before 8 yrs earlier. She left her husband for cheating during her pregnancy of their 2nd daughter, and then took him back 6 months later after he begged her he would never do it again. And she is taking him back again even after all of this.

 

This past December me and my wife were having serious problems. After I left the company and started my own business, money got tight, and my wife was spending/charging more than ever, when we simply didnt have it. We fought daily over money. so I started filling my free time with other activities so I wouldnt have to fight every day. I played softball Sunday nights and coached my sons soccer on Tuesday and my daughters soccer on Thursday. I added 2 more nights of softball Friday and Monday, and started playing poker every saturday night, leaving only Wednessday as a night I had to come home before my wife was in bed, or close to bed on the soccer nights. We had talked about divorce, she was on anti-depressants, and said she was lonely all the time. I neglected her,because I was so mad about the spending, and the constant fighting. This is when she said he said all the right things, and she started to believe he was serious about loving her. She would question why if loved her, and he got to the point he would say I love you, Yes I do, as a way to stop her from asking after he said it. Supposedly he told my wife he had moved out already from his wife, and they stopped having sex in February, but his wife said that was a lie. He never moved out, and they had sex twice a week. He told me, he was sorry, dont leave your wife, she loves you, I just filled her head with lies, oh and please dont kill me. I laughed.

 

I moved out immediately, took my clothes, and stayed at a extended stay place for 15 days. She left love notes on my car, voice messages all day long, text my phone until it almost blew up, saying how sorry she was. Begging me to come back home from the first day I left. I would only see my kids during the day, before she got home, because I didnt want to see her. That became hard, and last Thursday I went back home. But Ill tell you this, I cant seem to get past what she did. Ive stayed at my office 3 nights in the past week, because I get so mad, I have to leave. Last night is one of those nights. Im not sure what I want. I have 3 kids I love dearly, and if I leave her, I will be a full time dad, only part of the time. I came from a broken home and know how hard that was on me as a kid, and said Id never do that, but I never thought my wife would have an affair either. Ive been to 2 counciling sessions, and basically agree Im 50% of the problem with my marriage, but 0% responsible for her actions. Im told Im a classic alpha-Male, which means I only give as much attention and emotional needs as I need. Part of me wants to work this out, but Im not sure I will ever be able to get past her affair, no matter how much counciling, praying, etc...

 

So Im just curious from my huddle breathren, has anyone been through this before, and how did they handle it. If they went back, how long did it take before they got past things. Did you go back, and then couldnt handle it and then leave. PM me if you dont want to share your story here. I know I wrote a book above, but I wanted honest feedback. And I wanted to answer most questions in the post.

 

Thanks in advance

Longtime Huddler who created this new account for some privacy.

 

Going through it right now brother....not to the point of affair...but just prior to it I believe....and it is driving me batty how much she will lie...just tell the truth and lets deal with it...and if we divorce, we divorce...the lies are worse than the truth.

[Cunning Runt]

Sad to say that I've been there, done that.

 

We got a divorce. She re-married the guy she was cheating and appears to be happy. I got re-married 4-5 years later to a woman waaaay better for me than my ex ever was.

 

At the time I wanted to forgive because of our small son together, but in retrospect, while it was painful as hell to endure both emotionally and financially (that part still sucks), I am considerably happier and better off for having gone through it.

 

If you do get divorced, do get a good lawyer though - one that specializes in handling the male side of divorce. It will be money well spent in the long run.

[Sam]

Baptist.

 

And no I have never cheated on her. To be honest, I wouldnt have believed she would have ever cheat either. I could have found out about the text message and cell stuff back in December, if I would have just looked. Though I never thought I had a reason to do so.

 

 

Her affair started in December, and I fill guilty for some of the things I have done. Which is why I have considered taking her back. The problem is she started cheating 3 yrs before that, and I dont have a clue why. Even she cant offer a reason, other than she felt lonely and he said to her what she said she needed to hear. But we were not having problems then, and we had a 1 yr old daughter at the time, we both enjoyed spending time with.

 

I must have missed this part the first time I read through your story. It would probably be a bit easier to forgive if it was only in the past few months when things weren't going so well. If she wasn't getting what she wanted out of the relationship she should have confronted you about it. Once again, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Chargerz]

I'm very sorry you are going through all this!

 

About 35 years ago my first marriage ended in divorce after I found her in bed with another guy. There were alot of problems with that marriage and infidelity was just the final straw. We divorced very soon after I found them together.

 

So far my second marriage has gone alot better. We've been married 29 years and are going strong. I don't think she has ever cheated on me.

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

If you do go thru with divorce, I would do my best to get the kids if I were you.

[T-Scorp]

I take it Polks doesn't like whores?

[polksalet]

I take it Polks doesn't like whores?

 

apparently someone doesn't like my opinions

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

apparently someone doesn't like my opinions

DMD=Da Master Deleter

 

 

 

 

Not that it matters....he read it, and you know he did.

 

 

 

good advice on getting the STD test though

Edited July 31, 2008 by KSUChiefsTarheelFan

[T-Scorp]

apparently someone doesn't like my opinions

 

 

No offense intended, just an observation. My best friends ex wife was a whore! Just seemed to be a lot of hostility. Again, no judgement at all.

[yo mama]

I could never trust my wife again if she did that to me. We're not talking about an isolated incident that she was honest with you about. It was a torrid affair that she continued to lie to you about even after being presented with compelling evidence of the affair.

 

You might still love her, but love without trust isn't enough to justify a marriage on Day 1. I don't know why it should be any different on Day 1 of Year 15 (or whatever), unless you're willing to lower your standards. She lied. She cheated. She made horrible choices in regards to your family's finances. You're better off without her, if only because you'll guard yourself and your kids from those things happening again.

 

I still think you do the counseling. I still think you should maintain a civil and healthy relationship with her, for the benefit of your children, mostly. But also for yourselves. Perhaps, in time, if you're still into each other you can try again in the future. But I see only downside to staying with her until she gets herself straightened out. At a minimum, a legal separation may be in order until you make a decision one way or the other.

Edited July 31, 2008 by yo mama

[darin3]

I could never trust my wife again if she did that to me. We're not talking about an isolated incident that she was honest with you about. It was a torrid affair that she continued to lie to you about even after being presented with compelling evidence of the affair.

 

You might still love her, but love without trust isn't enough to justify a marriage on Day 1. I don't know why it should be any different on Day 1 of Year 15 (or whatever), unless you're willing to lower you standards. She lied. She cheated. She made horrible choices in regards to your family's finances. You're better off without her, if only because you'll guarding yourself and your kids from those things happening again.

 

I still think you do the counseling. I still think you should maintain a civil and healthy relationship with her, for the benefit of your children, mostly. But also for yourselves. Perhaps, in time, if you're still into each other you can try again in the future. But I see only downside to staying with her until she gets herself straightened out. At a minimum, a legal separation may be in order until you make a decision one way or the other.

Yo is an intelligent man.

[polksalet]

No offense intended, just an observation. My best friends ex wife was a whore! Just seemed to be a lot of hostility. Again, no judgement at all.

 

Let's just say I am dealing with an identical situation. My mom did the exact same thing 25 years ago. I have now accepted she victimized me the same way she victimized my dad. Yeah I'm pissed but not so much at her as I am at my own stupidity. Paid friends are no good. I hope they all get uterine anthrax and their organs fall out.

 

BTW, Henry Rollins is the greatest philosopher of our generation.

 

Also, get tested for diseases

[polksalet]

I could never trust my wife again if she did that to me. We're not talking about an isolated incident that she was honest with you about. It was a torrid affair that she continued to lie to you about even after being presented with compelling evidence of the affair.

 

You might still love her, but love without trust isn't enough to justify a marriage on Day 1. I don't know why it should be any different on Day 1 of Year 15 (or whatever), unless you're willing to lower you standards. She lied. She cheated. She made horrible choices in regards to your family's finances. You're better off without her, if only because you'll guarding yourself and your kids from those things happening again.

 

I still think you do the counseling. I still think you should maintain a civil and healthy relationship with her, for the benefit of your children, mostly. But also for yourselves. Perhaps, in time, if you're still into each other you can try again in the future. But I see only downside to staying with her until she gets herself straightened out. At a minimum, a legal separation may be in order until you make a decision one way or the other.

 

this is good advice but I would fake being amiable and peaceful as she will. If she really cared about you she wouldn't be a paid friend. She is going to take you to the cleaners if you don't lawyer up.

[polksalet]

No offense intended, just an observation. My best friends ex wife was a whore! Just seemed to be a lot of hostility. Again, no judgement at all.

 

lol, I edited out the ship chain, torches and pliers part

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

She made horrible choices in regards to your family's finances.

 

 

 

[tonorator]

dats bullchit dood - the affair started back in '04 - newborn kid, and he thought all was well

 

the what did you expect?? card is lame

 

i missed the part about it going back so far.

 

still, all was not well if she was having an affair, so his perception was wrong. even if he thought all was well, something was indeed going on. maybe he did nothing at all and she's just a tramp or maybe back then he was acting in a way that drove her away/alienated her. he was certainly doing it recently. a strong marriage gets together to work through finance issues, they don't arrange other activities to avoid the topic. that tells me this thing has been bad for awhile.

 

still, the overriding point is to think of the kids. every decision made needs to be in their best interest. staying together and fighting or living in a situation where trust is not present is not a healthy situation for the kids, and neither is divorce. i don't know what the answer is because every situation is unique, but brent and spouse need to sit down and put a plan together that thinks first about the real victims here.

[skylive5]

a cuban friend of mine says there are at most two types of women, girl dogs and paid friends lol

 

Okay...you've done enough hijacking... go away.