Skippy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Man does this suck. It happens all the time though and very often the other person never even finds out. Trust is the issue. You will never have the trust that makes a marriage work well from this day forward. No one is going to be able to answer this for you. If in your heart you want to try to stick this out then you and her need to very much drag yourselves into some counseling. I wish you the best of luck with a terrible situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSUChiefsTarheelFan Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 this is not hijacking. Before you can deal with a problem you have to define it. He as all men do is having trouble coming to terms with what his wife really is. Until he is able to cope with this aspect of his life he will not be able to deal with it. Do you disagree? +1 and I would like to add that if we were all at the same table having beers with this guy, all of this would be said, no doubt. Is we men or is we men? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 you are full of crap, some women/men just like to sleep around. This is why the might me either paid or non-paid friends. i said she could be a tramp ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well that really sucks for you to be going through this. Staying together because of the kids may actually be worse for them. You don't want to be home so you don't fight or face or wife is no way for the kids to be living anyway. It was a story right from the soul. I hope you feel better now for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Irish Doggy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Best of luck, bro. Keep the counseling going whether you go through with the divorce or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 First of all, I am very sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how tough it must be especially when kids are involed. Second, keep up with the counseling. I am biased because that is my profession, but I have seen it help many people in rough spots and it provides the best hope for the future even if the relationship is to break up. I'm keeping this extremely brief, but feel free to PM me if you have any other questions that I may be able to help you with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 i missed the part about it going back so far. still, all was not well if she was having an affair, so his perception was wrong. even if he thought all was well, something was indeed going on. maybe he did nothing at all and she's just a tramp or maybe back then he was acting in a way that drove her away/alienated her. he was certainly doing it recently. a strong marriage gets together to work through finance issues, they don't arrange other activities to avoid the topic. that tells me this thing has been bad for awhile. still, the overriding point is to think of the kids. every decision made needs to be in their best interest. staying together and fighting or living in a situation where trust is not present is not a healthy situation for the kids, and neither is divorce. i don't know what the answer is because every situation is unique, but brent and spouse need to sit down and put a plan together that thinks first about the real victims here. eh, I'm not really buying the whole "it's his fault she was sliding around on some other dude's pole" argument. yeah, he needs to do some looking in the mirror if the relationship moves forward in any capacity. but her choices are HER choices, and the damage she has done is on her. yeah, playing softball 4 nights a week to avoid her the last 6 months probably hurt the relationship. but I would venture to say her screwing some other dude for the last 5 YEARS has done more damage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 ya...all this crap about 'his' fault is rubbish. if she wasnt happy, get a divorce and then screw whomever you please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I don't know if I could get a divorce or reconcile any time soon. You can't believe what she's saying to you, because she's been lying to you for 4 years. If it were me, I couldn't even begin to think about getting back together with her for another 2 years or so. You need to find out if she actually wants to get back together with you or if she's just totally exposed in a lie right now and scrambling for cover. She's not a very credible person to go to counseling with... yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_am_the_swammi Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 We fought daily over money. so I started filling my free time with other activities so I wouldnt have to fight every day. I played softball Sunday nights and coached my sons soccer on Tuesday and my daughters soccer on Thursday. I added 2 more nights of softball Friday and Monday, and started playing poker every saturday night, leaving only Wednessday as a night I had to come home before my wife was in bed, or close to bed on the soccer nights. . Not passing judgement on anyone, and your wife certainly has the lion's share of the blame... but if things were uber-tight finanically, and you were arguing with your wife over her spending, how did you get away with gambling every Saturday night? I imagine that was a tough sell to the wife, who you were trying to convince to be more responsible. And if things were so tight, how was there so much time for softball? I think you both have issues that need to be figured out...her cheating, and your masking of financial issues....if things were tight (as they have been for everyone), I am shocked you had so much free time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 that is what drove him to softball sorry, it made me laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scourge Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 The fact that this was going on for 4 years is an eye opener. I have known plenty of cheaters and it is a recurring disease for the most part from my experiences. She might be sorry now since her ass was caught. IMO if you guys get back together, things will be good for a while but it is almost inevitable that something like this will happen again. People don't change. I also believe that the kids should not be the determining factor in your decision to stay together. There are plenty of couples who split-up or divorce and are still able to maintain excellent relationships with their kids seperately. It is all about communication. Your situation sucks man and I wish you the best in whatever you decide. To me, cheating for 4 years is a delibrate act of deception and disrespect for your relationship and family. I think I would move on. That is just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiefjay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 (edited) I'm here for you Puddy. And again I'm sorry. Seriously, good luck to whoever this is. I don't have any good advice except to stay strong for the kids as best as possible. Mud slinging during or after the divorce (if that's the route you choose) won't help the situation. Edited July 31, 2008 by chiefjay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiegie Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I was just thinking that if he stays with his wife for the sake of his children, it might actually send his children the message that it is ok to let people lie to you and walk all over you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I was just thinking that if he stays with his wife for the sake of his children, it might actually send his children the message that it is ok to let people lie to you and walk all over you. well, that would depend entirely on what kind of relationship they ended up having in the future. if, by some lucky stroke, they ended up more happily married than ever, then his willingness to fight through the injury to his pride to keep the family together would send the children a very different message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I was just thinking that if he stays with his wife for the sake of his children, it might actually send his children the message that it is ok to let people lie to you and walk all over you. And you're assuming the children would know about the affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSUChiefsTarheelFan Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 And you're assuming the children would know about the affair. He said he stayed at an Extended Stay for 15 days...one of em noticed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I just want to add that I am very sorry this happened and I wish you the very best during this difficult time. I can't even imagine how this would make me feel. Stay strong and be there for your children!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 He said he stayed at an Extended Stay for 15 days...one of em noticed So they assume an affair was the reason? Can't you just tell the kids that Mom and Dad are having problems? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Most people eventually find out. I was 6yo when my parents split up and eventually found out the garbage. It's funny how the one who did the cheating seems to be the one to complain the most to the children, even exposing their betrayal while attempting to bad-mouth the other parent. Yeah...at some point when the kids are adults I'm sure they'll figure it out. But if this happened to me I'd never tell the kids that their mom banged some other guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 well, that would depend entirely on what kind of relationship they ended up having in the future. if, by some lucky stroke, they ended up more happily married than ever, then his willingness to fight through the injury to his pride to keep the family together would send the children a very different message. When my Mother left us for some other guy (note, she left all of us, not just my Father) it pretty much screwed up our family forever. It shouldn't surprise me that my brother and sister are going through divorces now too. But all the while that my Mother was apart, and asking for a divorce, my Father wouldn't sign the papers. He loved her. All he wanted was for another chance to make it work. He waited for years. Finally she came back and they ended up reconciling. It took longer for us kids to accept her again than it did for my Dad. When I look back now, I don't really see her infidelity... instead what I see is the most patient and loving man that I've ever met in my Father. But he is extraordinary... an exception to most rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DemonKnight Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Dam, tough situation to be going through. I wish you all the best. You will know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSUChiefsTarheelFan Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 So they assume an affair was the reason? Can't you just tell the kids that Mom and Dad are having problems? a 13 year old? In 2008? not likely Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riffraff Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 My unprofessional thoughts: 1. Start hiding $$$. Get separate accounts. You can always merge again later. 2. You say you don't know why in '04 she initially started the affair. Ask. If she isn't willing to say, you'll not get through this. If you aren't willing to ask and make changes, you won't be able to get through this. 3. Filing for divorce first has helped a few buddies get the children, which is usually rare in my state. Remember, filing does not mean you complete the act. You can always reconcile. 4. Counseling. Get it. It will help you open up, which was a root cause of the problems in the first place. It may not save this marriage, but it may save future ones. If suicide thoughts have entered into the equation, seek help immediately. 5. Perhaps try the "same house, separate beds" routine. See if you can honestly still live with your wife. Perhaps better than leaving the house, perhaps it'll let you know it's time to fully move on. Also looks decent in a court of law that you are trying to make it work and didn't abandon the children by leaving. 6. Don't turn to alcohol or drugs. It would just compound the problems in divorce, life in general, or as a role model for your children. 7. Occupy your time with your children, friends, a hobby, or work. Exercise to relieve a little stress. If you are religious enough to go to church... go. All can be support structures you may need, even if the prideful man inside says you can do this yourself. 8. Believe in yourself. You WILL get through this. Life works in mysterious ways. The past may hurt, but the future may not have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 1. Start hiding $$$. Get separate accounts. You can always merge again later. my buddy's lawyer said to go buy gift cards. from everywhere. walgreens and your grocery stores too. and then hide them. if they ask, just say it was for groceries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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