irish Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 (edited) Nothing like good jokes to pass the time. I have some others that I just need to find. Here's one OK one. I also have another good one but it was an email and I can't figure out how to tranfer it. A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family -- a weeping wife and four sons. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child is really mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him, "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are the father." The man dies happy. The wife mutters under her breath, "Thanks God he didn't ask me about the other three..." lol A little early for Fathers' Day but what the hell. Edited April 20, 2006 by irish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address... A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I have arrived Date: October 16th 2004 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Italian Math An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when Ia start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 (edited) there was a man and he had a thread gun... on second thought that wasnt gonna be funny 3 User(s) are reading this topic (0 Guests and 1 Anonymous Users) 2 Members: Menudo, DMD Edited April 20, 2006 by keggerz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aqualung Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Mama mia! :doah: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrobn26 Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hillary in 2008........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcd480 Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 A penguin is driving through Arizona, and he is suffering in the heat. As he is driving along his AC suddenly gives out and then his car starts to die. He struggles to make it to the next town and is now hotter than ever. He pulls into the local auto shop and the mechanic tells him it will likely take a bit to see whats wrong and suggests that the penguin take a walk around town. So the penguin takes a walk, he is out in the sun and he feels like he is ready to die until he comes upon an ice cream shop. He goes into the ice cream shop and orders a huge (hugh) bowl of vanilla ice cream and proceeds to chow down on it with little regard for neatness. He makes a real mess of himself, but he doesn't care since he feels quite a bit better. He then strolls on back the repair shop and sees that his car is done. The mechanic comes out to greet him and says "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin is shocked and replies "no, no its just ice cream." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peeonme Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and sets it on the floor in front of the bar. He then proceeds to flag down the bar tender and orders a shot of vodka. The bar tender gives him the shot and he slams it back. Then he orders another one, pays the bar tender and gets up to leave. The bar tender shouts "Hey! You can't leave that lying there." The man turns around and says "It's not a lion, it is a monkey." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 worst.... joke... ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 worst.... joke... ever. 1429797[/snapback] Whatdya expect from R. Kelly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easy n Dirty Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 President Bush is getting his daily briefing on what is going on in the world. His staffer tells him the following: 10 tourists were killed in a bus accident in California, 7 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a bombing, 100 Iraqi police were killed in an ambush. (Bush interjects, "hum, 7 Brazilians...) 1,000 were killed or injured in a mudslide in China, and... (Bush interjects, "hum, 7 Brazilians...). when the briefing is over, he turns to his aid and says, "So, how many is a Brazilian?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Come on you lazy bastidges, share something funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 President Bush is getting his daily briefing on what is going on in the world. His staffer tells him the following: 10 tourists were killed in a bus accident in California, 7 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a bombing, 100 Iraqi police were killed in an ambush. (Bush interjects, "hum, 7 Brazilians...) 1,000 were killed or injured in a mudslide in China, and... (Bush interjects, "hum, 7 Brazilians...). when the briefing is over, he turns to his aid and says, "So, how many is a Brazilian?) 1429926[/snapback] Sad part is I can actually hear him saying this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 (edited) best one yet! Edited April 21, 2006 by dmarc117 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 best one yet! 1430221[/snapback] +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackshi17 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dread Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Here's a good one for the kids... A bear and a rabbit are in the woods going to the bathroom... The bear asks the rabbit "do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no" so the bear wipes his *ss with the rabbit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!" 1430321[/snapback] This has actual probably taken place many times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Here is another one for the kids: why cant Miss Piggy count to 70? cause every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Here is another one for the kids: why cant Miss Piggy count to 70? cause every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat 1430625[/snapback] Speaking of frogs, is it becaust the French language doesn't have a word for seventy, and have to say the equavalent of sixty-ten? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Speaking of frogs, is it becaust the French language doesn't have a word for seventy, and have to say the equavalent of sixty-ten? 1430641[/snapback] Would have to be Big John's knowledge to throw a BIG monkey wrench into a punch line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NAUgrad Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 What's the last thing a red neck says before he dies? "Hey Bubba, watch this!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Sacrebleu Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 These are jokes guys so remember. Never take anything personally. and no I'm not racist. 1430640[/snapback] You know when you preamble a joke that way you aren't going to get the expected yucks. If you have to explain to your audience that this is not meant to be offensive (regardless of audience) it probably is not the right joke for the moment. was going to say some truly tasteless things about rape and your wife and daughter using a winking graemlin to 'explain' that no harm was meant. The huddle being on sensititvity alert, decided not to. BTW, most jokes involving race play off of stereotypes, and this can be very amusing. The whole humour in your joke involves just using derogatory terms a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 You know when you preamble a joke that way you aren't going to get the expected yucks. If you have to explain to your audience that this is not meant to be offensive (regardless of audience) it probably is not the right joke for the moment. was going to say some truly tasteless things about rape and your wife and daughter using a winking graemlin to 'explain' that no harm was meant. The huddle being on sensititvity alert, decided not to. BTW, most jokes involving race play off of stereotypes, and this can be very amusing. The whole humour in your joke involves just using derogatory terms a lot. 1431054[/snapback] Ah I guess thanks for the input? Was this a joke? If not better add a joke frenchy, instead of constructive criticizm cause it STINKS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junebugz Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Ah I guess thanks for the input? Was this a joke? If not better add a joke frenchy, instead of constructive criticizm cause it STINKS. 1431143[/snapback] He's just upset because he doesn't have a word for 70. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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