Cheating Spouse

[Jimmy Neutron]

Sorry to hear about this. Hope you find the right answers for yourself and your family.

 

I don't believe I could stay with my wife if she cheated, but have seen how tough divorce is on kids even in the best of circumstances.

 

Good luck!

[Atlanta Cracker]

Whoa...you married her daughter? Or did you mean step-mother?

 

Woops. Yeah meant step mother. Can never get all that stuff straight...

 

She didn't have a daughter but did have a son who just got married due to his wife being pregnant. We'll see how that goes.

[polksalet]

btw the wife says she completely agrees with me, especially about the std/hiv test

[untateve]

I have no magic answer. I trust my wife completely and her best friend is a guy. My view has always been that if my wife wants to cheat, nothing short of killing her will stop her. For me, if she cheated, that's a deal breaker. Trust is that important to me.

 

Marital counseling can be very helpful. The comment about whether you like your wife or not is dead on. If you don't like your wife, I don't have high hopes for your marriage. I'm guessing right now your emotions are all over the place. Take some time before making any decisions about your marriage.

 

Regarding your children, here's my advice:

 

If your children are anywhere within a 5-mile radius to you, say nothing--NOTHING--negative about your wife. You want to flk up your kids? Run down your wife in their presence. You want to damage your relationship with your kids? Run down your wife in their presence. Right now, the foundation that their world is built upon has severe cracks and could quite possibly give way. They are going to need a ton of support and reassurance.

[Chavez]

if my wife wants to cheat, nothing short of killing her will stop her.

I think polk finds your options acceptable.

[KSUChiefsTarheelFan]

Had to jump back in really quick. I hung out with a good friend of mine tonight. I made beer can chicken at his house while we drank some hurricanes straight from Pat O'Brians in New Orleans (we bought some mix before we left . all you have to do is add water and Rum!). He is engaged to a girl we have both (he and I) known for the duration of his college career. I asked the question to them....showed em the story, and asked their opinion. Now these two are young and not even married yet, but both had the same response. Marriage is something you commit to...and once you break that commitment, makes it a broken marriage and it should be over. Of course I agree, but I had to bring up the point..."What if she had been addicted to crack? No cheating, just sneaking away, taking money and lying about it, neglecting the kids, and...well....smoking crack.

 

Would the opportunity for marriage repair be more accepted by both parties? Does the hubby give a 2nd chance?

 

 

I would....

 

 

 

But not if she cheated.

 

 

 

Crazy stuff, but at any rate...

 

 

Take time...

 

 

don't listen to us....

 

 

follow your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've noticed that we really haven't heard from Brent since page 2...so if you are out there bud, let us know you are ok.

Edited August 1, 2008 by KSUChiefsTarheelFan

[tbimm]

Had to jump back in really quick. I hung out with a good friend of mine tonight. I made beer can chicken at his house while we drank some hurricanes straight from Pat O'Brians in New Orleans (we bought some mix before we left . all you have to do is add water and Rum!). He is engaged to a girl we have both (he and I) known for the duration of his college career. I asked the question to them....showed em the story, and asked their opinion. Now these two are young and not even married yet, but both had the same response. Marriage is something you commit to...and once you break that commitment, makes it a broken marriage and it should be over. Of course I agree, but I had to bring up the point..."What if she had been addicted to crack? No cheating, just sneaking away, taking money and lying about it, neglecting the kids, and...well....smoking crack.

 

Would the opportunity for marriage repair be more accepted by both parties? Does the hubby give a 2nd chance?

 

 

I would....

 

 

 

But not if she cheated.

 

 

 

Crazy stuff, but at any rate...

 

 

Take time...

 

 

don't listen to us....

 

 

follow your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've noticed that we really haven't heard from Brent since page 2...so if you are out there bud, let us know you are ok.

Hey KCTF. Leah from New Orleans, First off hope you added a whole lot of rum to the water with that Pat O's mix. 2nd..... No relationship advice for your friend I only hope it works out as well for everyone as it has for me and tbimm. Hope to see you soon. Hope all is well. LB

[Atlanta Cracker]

Hey KCTF. Leah from New Orleans, First off hope you added a whole lot of rum to the water with that Pat O's mix. 2nd..... No relationship advice for your friend I only hope it works out as well for everyone as it has for me and tbimm. Hope to see you soon. Hope all is well. LB

 

 

Hey Tom. I think Leah needs her own user ID!

[Cunning Runt]

Since "Brent" has the cleaner hands it will be easier for his wife to try and tear him down in the eyes of the family court judge than it will be to build herself up. I'd recommend taking the high road.

 

Just an FYI on this comment.

 

Adultery doesn't matter one iota in the eyes of the courts. The courts and settlement are strictly legal matters. Most states are "no-fault" divorce states so there is no such thing as "cleaner hands" - at least in the sense that you're considering the faithful spouse to have cleaner hands.

[Clubfoothead]

Sorry to read about yer troubles. The options are pretty simple. You owe it to your kids to try the counseling for a month but make sure you keep your lawyer on retainer. If you can't look yourself in the mirror then you have to change things.

 

I hope things get better for your family.

[Double Agent]

Just an FYI on this comment.

 

Adultery doesn't matter one iota in the eyes of the courts. The courts and settlement are strictly legal matters. Most states are "no-fault" divorce states so there is no such thing as "cleaner hands" - at least in the sense that you're considering the faithful spouse to have cleaner hands.

 

But it may have some relevance when determining custody, right?

[Hugh 0ne]

I wouldn't be able to look at my wife or be in the same room with her, the violation of trust, which our entire relationship was built on, would make me sick to my stomach knowing what she did. I'd have to figure out how to do what's best for the kids, and assuming that she's been a good mother would not prevent her from seeing them at will. But the relationship I have with her would be over. No therapist needed.

 

ETA: I'm not saying that my way is the right way or even a good way to handle things, but it's how I feel and I wouldn't be able to change that.

Edited August 1, 2008 by Hugh 0ne

[Azazello1313]

I wouldn't be able to look at my wife or be in the same room with her, the violation of trust, which our entire relationship was built on, would make me sick to my stomach knowing what she did. I'd have to figure out how to do what's best for the kids, and assuming that she's been a good mother would not prevent her from seeing them at will. But the relationship I have with her would be over. No therapist needed.

 

ETA: I'm not saying that my way is the right way or even a good way to handle things, but it's how I feel and I wouldn't be able to change that.

 

I think that is the reaction most of us have on a gut level, but you truly never know it will play out for you until you are in that situation, with kids involved and all the rest.

[Gonkis]

Hope it works out on some level. I would not want to take her back, but can't imagine not tucking in my kids every night. They still run to me like crazy after work. I have 2 of my own and 2 step children. The step are 12 and 14, I've been involved for 9 years. It has not been easy on their father and the two of us have a good relationship considering the circumstances, but I don't think I could take it on the other side of the fence.

[Brent]

I appreciate all the PM's and kind words. My trouble is, I dont know what I want. I dont want to be a full time Dad, part of the time. I grew up in a broken home, and I know when I turned 13 or 14, I didnt want to go to Dad's because I had a life myself with friends and stuff. I guess teenagers are too cool for parents in those years. I dont think I could handle not being apart of their daily lives. I do still love my wife, as i dont think its that easy to turn off feelings so quickly, and I missed even her when I was away those 2 weeks in the beginning. When you are with someone every day for 15 yrs, they are a huge part of your life. Can I move on without her, absolutely, if I need to. My strongest tie to staying right now is my babies.

 

I also know I played a role in the destruction of our marriage the past year. I take no credit for her actions, but my actions were not exactly treating my wife, the way Jesus did the church. But what Im trying to say is my guilt about things, is what is allowing me to even try. But I cant go through a full day, without thinking about her and him. And I guess time will take some of that away, as it has a great deal already. At first I couldnt go through a minute, then 20 minutes, and now its basically once during the day, and every night until I finally fall asleep.

 

I was definately the person who would be giving advice to run as fast as I could if this was ever done to me. But your perspective changes a bit when you have kids, and its happening to you. I will continue to give counseling a try, though I have gone twice on my own, and basically I tuned the guy out when we started getting to my role in her affair. As I dont think I played a role in what she did. Did I drive her to seek attention elsewhere, possibly. But I didnt have a role in her cheating, and I wont take responsibility for that.

 

 

My guy tells me I still love her, though Im devasted by her actions. I want my marriage to work, and it didnt before this, so I have reason to believe it can if I allow it. And I dont want my kids to ever know about this, or be away from them every night. My problem, I dont know how to let something like this go. I think it might be easier for me anyway, to deal with her dying in a car wreck, than living with her knowing she betrayed me. But I could be completely wrong about that.

[Cunning Runt]

But it may have some relevance when determining custody, right?

 

No.

 

Unless you can demonstrate that she is unfit, and adultery doesn't meet that criteria. It should, but it doesn't. Now if there are extenuating circumstances associated with such behavior, then maybe, but adultery in and of itself means nothing in the courts eyes - for purposes of custody or anything else that goes with a divorce.

[Cunning Runt]

I appreciate all the PM's and kind words. My trouble is, I dont know what I want. I dont want to be a full time Dad, part of the time. I grew up in a broken home, and I know when I turned 13 or 14, I didnt want to go to Dad's because I had a life myself with friends and stuff. I guess teenagers are too cool for parents in those years. I dont think I could handle not being apart of their daily lives. I do still love my wife, as i dont think its that easy to turn off feelings so quickly, and I missed even her when I was away those 2 weeks in the beginning. When you are with someone every day for 15 yrs, they are a huge part of your life. Can I move on without her, absolutely, if I need to. My strongest tie to staying right now is my babies.

 

I also know I played a role in the destruction of our marriage the past year. I take no credit for her actions, but my actions were not exactly treating my wife, the way Jesus did the church. But what Im trying to say is my guilt about things, is what is allowing me to even try. But I cant go through a full day, without thinking about her and him. And I guess time will take some of that away, as it has a great deal already. At first I couldnt go through a minute, then 20 minutes, and now its basically once during the day, and every night until I finally fall asleep.

 

I was definately the person who would be giving advice to run as fast as I could if this was ever done to me. But your perspective changes a bit when you have kids, and its happening to you. I will continue to give counseling a try, though I have gone twice on my own, and basically I tuned the guy out when we started getting to my role in her affair. As I dont think I played a role in what she did. Did I drive her to seek attention elsewhere, possibly. But I didnt have a role in her cheating, and I wont take responsibility for that.

 

 

My guy tells me I still love her, though Im devasted by her actions. I want my marriage to work, and it didnt before this, so I have reason to believe it can if I allow it. And I dont want my kids to ever know about this, or be away from them every night. My problem, I dont know how to let something like this go. I think it might be easier for me anyway, to deal with her dying in a car wreck, than living with her knowing she betrayed me. But I could be completely wrong about that.

 

No one can walk in your shoes but if you feel that you want to save your marriage, then you should try. Lots of couples have done that very thing given the same set of cirumstances. If after trying, you just can't get past it, then pull the plug then.

 

Someone made a post about happiness earlier and I think that pretty much sums it up. You only get one crack at life so be happy. If you were to go the divorce route, I'll say this - as much it hurt when I found out my wife was cheating, time DOES heal the wounds and I am infinitely happier with my second marriage than I ever was in my first. This was 14 years ago and we did have a small child together who will be 16 next month. You CAN be a full time dad and it doesn't have to be part time. It may not be the "full-time" as you envisioned it was going to be, but being a full-time dad is never part time. Your kids will appreciate the effort you make whether you're there in person or not. You'll always be their dad and nothing can ever change that. It would be up to you to show them that.

[Azazello1313]

No.

 

Unless you can demonstrate that she is unfit, and adultery doesn't meet that criteria. It should, but it doesn't. Now if there are extenuating circumstances associated with such behavior, then maybe, but adultery in and of itself means nothing in the courts eyes - for purposes of custody or anything else that goes with a divorce.

 

that is not exactly true:

 

is adultrey or infidelity illegal in the state of texas and how does that go against you in child custody and divoce

 

Answer

 

1) In Texas adultery is not a crime. So you will not be prosecuted for adultery.

 

2) Adultery can affect custody issues and issues such as spousal support and division of property, however adultery is one factor that the court considers as the court applies several factors to the issues.

 

For custody, if the court looks at the extend of the adultery and how it has affected the children. Since custody is determined on the basis of the child's best interest the court will focus on the misconduct committed and how it affects the child. The court will mostly look at the following factors:

 

The court will consider the following factors in deciding on custody:

 

Whether the physical, psychological, or emotional needs and development of the child will benefit from joint custody;

The ability of the parents to give first priority to the welfare of the child and reach shared decisions in the child's best interest;

Whether each parent can encourage and accept a positive relationship between the child and the other parent.

Whether both parents participated in child-rearing before filing for divorce

How close to each other the parents live

The child's preference, if the child is age 12 or older

Any other relevant factors

As to spousal support and division of property the court also will look at the misconduct but the court will not aim at punishing the spouse for their behavior as the main factors to consider are the following. The distribution of property will be based on a case by case basis.

 

 

Earning potential of the spouses (one might be much greater than the other)

Individual property of the spouses (one might be greater in value than the other)

The work to acquire the property

The value of contributions as the homemaker of the family

Economic fault of one spouse in wasting marital assets

Length of the marriage

Age and relative health of the spouses

The responsibility for caring for any children

Penalizing the offending spouse in the case of abuse or marital infidelity

 

another site says this:

Each Court's approach to adultery is completely different depending upon the temperament of the judge, and the county in which the divorce is proceeding. The following bullet points describe possible scenarios - Judge Apple, Judge Ball and Judge Candy are fictitious.

 

Judge Apple does not care about an adultery issue because that which caused the adultery also caused the divorce. In other words, these people were not getting along (discord and conflict within the marriage) causes both adultery (one spouse seeks the companionship of another) and divorce (one spouse seeks out a lawyer).

 

Judge Ball hates adulterers, hates what it does to a marriage, and will immediately remove a child from the adulterer without further ado.

 

Judge Candy takes a middle ground approach. She wants to know what the status of the marriage was prior to the adultery, whether the parties were separated (separate homes or bedrooms), and whether the adultery is the cause of the breakup of the marriage. If the adultery occurred sometime after separation, or during the divorce, she will not give much weight to it. If the adultery is the cause of the divorce, in other words the parties were happily married and had great plans prior to entry of the outside party, then she will attribute fault and rule in accordance.

 

 

In our experience, most judges fall into the Judge Candy category. That is, if marital discord and conflict was the status quo prior to the affair, then not a whole lot of weight will be given to it - especially, if the parties are separated and living apart prior to initiation of divorce proceedings. If all was well with the marriage but the adultery caused the marital discord and conflict, the judge will give great weight to it. They will protect the innocent spouse.

 

so I think the correct answer is that infidelity isn't part of some checklist that automatically decides custody one way or the other, but judges have a lot of discretion as far as how they divvy stuff up and there is no doubt evidence of cheating is something they can and do consider in making determinations in any case.

[Cunning Runt]

that is not exactly true:

 

 

 

another site says this:

 

 

so I think the correct answer is that infidelity isn't part of some checklist that automatically decides custody one way or the other, but judges have a lot of discretion as far as how they divvy stuff up and there is no doubt evidence of cheating is something they can and do consider in making determinations in any case.

 

I agree with this, but in and of itself, adultery is not any sort of grounds for custody or not. That said - it's entirely correct that a judge can award as he/she sees fit. The question then becomes - is adultery an admissible bit of evidence? It may or may not be. I think you would have to show how the kids were affected more than just that "it caused a divorce". I'm not saying I agree with this - just that I went throught it and the adultery was not admissible unless I could show some other damaging behavior associated with it and there wasn't any.

[whomper]

No one can walk in your shoes but if you feel that you want to save your marriage, then you should try. Lots of couples have done that very thing given the same set of cirumstances. If after trying, you just can't get past it, then pull the plug then.

 

Someone made a post about happiness earlier and I think that pretty much sums it up. You only get one crack at life so be happy. If you were to go the divorce route, I'll say this - as much it hurt when I found out my wife was cheating, time DOES heal the wounds and I am infinitely happier with my second marriage than I ever was in my first. This was 14 years ago and we did have a small child together who will be 16 next month. You CAN be a full time dad and it doesn't have to be part time. It may not be the "full-time" as you envisioned it was going to be, but being a full-time dad is never part time. Your kids will appreciate the effort you make whether you're there in person or not. You'll always be their dad and nothing can ever change that. It would be up to you to show them that.

 

 

Great post

[yo mama]

Just an FYI on this comment.

 

Adultery doesn't matter one iota in the eyes of the courts. The courts and settlement are strictly legal matters. Most states are "no-fault" divorce states so there is no such thing as "cleaner hands" - at least in the sense that you're considering the faithful spouse to have cleaner hands.

As to the granting of the divorce, you are correct. But that's not what I was getting at. I was speaking more to the issue of custody, which is where the dirty laundry can become fair game. And that was my point: take the high road so as not to do anything that might jeopardize Brent's chances of getting whatever custody arrangement he'd prefer to have.

[untateve]

As part of my practice, I conduct child custody evals. My best advice, do whatever you reasonably can to avoid one of these evaluations. As part of my first meeting with the parties involved, I always urge them to reconsider (they never have). The custody eval is the most difficult eval I do, extremely stressful for all involved, and incredibly expensive. Try your best, should you end up getting divorced, to keep everything civil. The best way to do this is to focus on your children's best interests/needs. Know that a child custody evaluator is going to meet with your children (I do so on at least two occasions). In the end, who is in a better position to determine custody/visitation with YOUR children--you and your ex-spouse, or a judge?

[polksalet]

As part of my practice, I conduct child custody evals. My best advice, do whatever you reasonably can to avoid one of these evaluations. As part of my first meeting with the parties involved, I always urge them to reconsider (they never have). The custody eval is the most difficult eval I do, extremely stressful for all involved, and incredibly expensive. Try your best, should you end up getting divorced, to keep everything civil. The best way to do this is to focus on your children's best interests/needs. Know that a child custody evaluator is going to meet with your children (I do so on at least two occasions). In the end, who is in a better position to determine custody/visitation with YOUR children--you and your ex-spouse, or a judge?

 

 

in this case I am going judge all the way

[Shotgun Messiahs]

She went back to him over and over with guilt. Which means she wanted what she had but something was not right with that. It's a dog eat dog world. If you don't take care of your woman someone else will. If you can say you loved her with all your heart and always showed her love and attention and never neglected her I would say walk. But you already stated you are the alpha-male. On the other hand. She is neglected by you and you put her attention she wants on the back burner................. I would say this all makes sense. I didn't read all 120 post. So if someone already said this..............then I am sorry for reposting this. If you betrayed her emotionally and mentally, do you think she is wrong for betraying you? Even though as a male it's harder to swallow someone else as another male being in your territory. Or maybe someone has a denial problem and will let this marriage die before admitting it was their fault. Which is more sad then the story this topic was started in. Alpha-Male? I hope pride doesn't get the better of you. Sounds like she loves you alot and really wants this to work. If you put as much effort into this marriage as you do your pride you wouldn't be in this situation. Sad thing is, can you tell your kids the reason for divorce is because daddy neglected momma so much, she went to someone else to make her feel the way he should have and he wasn't man enough to realize he caused all this from the beginning. I feel for your wife more then I do for you. She should have left you before she cheated. I don't blame her for thinking for herself and the kids at the same time. She can do better then you and you think if you are the alpha-male the next marriage will be better. It will turn out the same way. You will neglect her to the point she leaves you or cheats on you. It's not bad luck you have. Maybe you are not challenged enough in your home life. Nothing exciting about a repetitious life. Just sit there and watch TV all night barely know your family exist cuz your wife is doing everything while you tune the world out. Cooks, Cleans, probably mows the yard for you. Probably takes the trash out. Feeds the animals and raises the kids while you play the "alpha-male" role. What would she post on this board about what happened to her prior to her cheating on you? Think about that.

 

From me to you. We all have our ways. I am the same as you in so many ways. I have grown up so much this year. My four month old son has weaken the tough guy in me. I was such a bad arse before he was born. I have treated my wife like she was on the back burner and cheated on her. She has stayed with me. I have never had anybody fight for me like she has. Put up with me on a daily basis. What did I give in return? Nothing. So, I am learning everyday how to be the man she deserves. I will be more then happy to talk in PM if you really want this marriage to work. I just hope the day you realize you need to grow up, she is still there waiting for you. Good Luck.

 

By the way there is a movie called "The Story of US". With Bruce Willis. If you haven't seen it............. It's worth watching.

[BS Miscreant]

it's obvious they are better off with both parents in their lives each day, but not if you two are not able to find a way to coexist that is not destructive to them.

Knowing my personality and how I've handled being hurt in the past, this piece of advice really stood out to me. I am and always have been a kind, forgiving person in most instances but when deeply hurt in matters of trust and of the heart I become a completely mean and unreasonable(according to some) bastard, who will punish you at every opportunity you give me. So if you're gonna, like I probably would, hang around and punish her every day then get out now so you don't make everyone, including yourself, miserable.

For what it's worth,

I was cheated on by a serious girlfriend and treated her as I mentioned above.

My brother-in-law cheated, they're still together and she is making him absolutely miserable.

My sister-in-law cheated and had a baby as a result and her husband(who can't have kids) was right there next to her during the delivery and is seemingly thrilled to be dad.

 

I truly wish you the best.