How many of you have a friend........

[tonorator]

You shouldn't automatically assume that the guy is a threat to the kids.  He may be nothing more than a bad example.  Or, on the other hand he may be a good example of what not to become.  If he is abusive in anyway then I would agree with you.

 

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if the kids won't come out of their rooms, they either are afraid of or hate the guy. if he's drunk all day, he's not safe, whether it be due to violence, carelessness, abusiveness, clouded judgement, or many other reasons. bottom line is that i don't want my teenagers around a guy who drinks all day long. why take that risk? would you do that with your kids?

[Squeegiebo]

if the kids won't come out of their rooms, they either are afraid of or hate the guy. 

 

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Or they're being normal teenagers around a stepparent.

 

That's the way I was with my stepmother, and she didn't drink at all. Actually, I was like that around my parents from about age 13 to 18 too.

[rocknrobn26]

I was holding off on this post. I wish I had 1 friend w/ that problem, but I have 2!

 

Joey and George (both fake names). I have been friends w/ these guys for 50 & 45 years resp.. I love them both as brothers. Joey drinks to obsess every night. Has a temper that has no parallel. His son, now 21 is the same w/ the temper and is high or drunk on any given night. Joey had an abusive father, but he is deluded w/ the 'LOVE' he got from him. He is also deluded that his son loves him. They fight constantly. Yes, sometimes physically! I'm no tea-toddler, but his consumption is around a fifth a day. All after work. He has never had a job problem w/ his drinking. He was staying over at my house about 2+ years ago. He must have woke up w/ an urge to crap. Well he crapped all over the bathroom walls, toilet lid, toilet seat, and the floor. He said he cleaned it up, but he didn't. I was gagging throughout my 3 attempts to clean it. Mrs. RR cleaned up the rest. Fast Forward.................I will no longer allow him to sleep over. The worst part is when he woke up he was still drunk. 2 days later when I talked to him, he didn't remember a thing! Not even driving home the next morning! I could go on and on about Joey, but I'll add his son is a duplicate and there is more hate than love.

 

George has a similar problem, but complicated by a cocaine problem. He had a real nasty tour in Vietnam and is still dealing w/ it. My biggest problem w/ him is his GF. He divorced his wife after 25 years w/ 2 beautiful children. He took up w/ this woman who has 3 children, never married, and 3 different fathers for her children. I invited them over last Memorial Day. It was ~ 4pm and she was already so blasted she couldn't walk. They stayed until 2AM! Never slowin' the drinking down and, although I tried I could not convince them to stay over. Did I mention they drove home, w/ their 7 yo! Needless to say, I did not invite them this year, and I'll take crap for that later.

 

In summary:

 

Realize the stories above don't even equate to a "Cliff's Notes" version. This could be a book. I have tried to talk to them both. Joey says "F' that! If I couldn't drink I'd kill myself....DRINKING!". George just trys to compare himself to Joey, stating "I don't drink like that!". But he does.

 

T-bone,

 

Good luck. There is a lot of good info posted above this. I wish I had some advice.

Good Luck!!!

[untateve]

Did I mention they drove home, w/ their 7 yo!  Needless to say, I did not invite them this year, and I'll take crap for that later.

 

 

I have to admit, if my friend would not give me his car keys, I would have called the cops before I let him drive off.

[rocknrobn26]

I have to admit, if my friend would not give me his car keys, I would have called the cops before I let him drive off.

 

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I should have. But that would have had mega-negative results. Different generation maybe?

[Caveman_Nick]

I should have.  But that would have had mega-negative results. Different generation maybe?

 

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I don't think it's a generational thing. I'm not sure I could call the cops on one of my friends either. But I know how I'd feel if I didn't and they got themselves dead or worse killed someone else. Bad dilemma.

[rocknrobn26]

I don't think it's a generational thing.  I'm not sure I could call the cops on one of my friends either.  But I know how I'd feel if I didn't and they got themselves dead or worse killed someone else.  Bad dilemma.

 

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NOD!!! A "No-Win" situation. It didn't turn out bad, thank God. And that's why I did NOT invite him this year.

[TDFFFreak]

I haven't read any of the replies so forgive me if I repeat anything.

 

A group intervention may be the first and only choice you have if you want to do something. If this doesn't work, he may have to hit rock bottom before things can ever get better.

 

I've dealt with an alcoholic situaton within the family and the guy never admitted he had a problem. He is now divorced and don't know where he is.

 

That said, another approach (which, truth be told, may not be that effective) is to see if something else is going on in his life to make him drink or explore his family history to see where some problems are coming from. Often drinking and drug abuse is masking a bigger problem (depression or other mental illness, etc.) that needs to be taken care of. If he ever talks of suicide or hurting himself, get him help any way possible even if you think you are being a bad friend by whatever you have to do. Being that bad friend is better then having no friend because he's gone off and killed himself or hurt someone else.

 

I am sorry about your pain through all of this and I hope this can be resolved in the best manner possible.

Edited May 31, 2006 by TDFFFreak

[godtomsatan]

I think I understand what you are saying, but crack is illegal, alcohol isn't, so there is a difference.

 

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If you want to play semantics, yes that is correct. If you're a drunk, it doesn't make a difference.

[Perchoutofwater]

if the kids won't come out of their rooms, they either are afraid of or hate the guy.  if he's drunk all day, he's not safe, whether it be due to violence, carelessness, abusiveness, clouded judgement, or many other reasons.  bottom line is that i don't want my teenagers around a guy who drinks all day long.  why take that risk?  would you do that with your kids?

 

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Most teenagers hate their step parents, it may have nothing at all to do with his drinking. If his drinking endangers them, then something should be done about it. If they just don't like the guy then maybe it is their problem. This guy may be a total ass, and may be violent, but he may just be a happy, lazy drunk. To answer you question directly, no I wouldn't want my kids around a guy that is drunk all the time, that being said there is a difference between being a drunk and an axe murderer. Someone said something about calling social services or something like that. That is uncalled for unless the guy is abusive.

[Azazello1313]

If you want to play semantics, yes that is correct. If you're a drunk, it doesn't make a difference.

 

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that's a little ridiculous, i'm afraid. all drugs are not the same, nor are all addictions the same. the addictive effects between crack and booze are different. they just are. yeah, i'm sure all addictions have many psychological symptoms in common. but there's still a difference that goes a lot deeper than "semantics"

[Perchoutofwater]

that's a little ridiculous, i'm afraid.  all drugs are not the same, nor are all addictions the same.  the addictive effects between crack and booze are different.  they just are.  yeah, i'm sure all addictions have many psychological symptoms in common.  but there's still a difference that goes a lot deeper than "semantics"

 

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The only difference is that almost everyone that tries crack gets addicted, most people who drink don't get addicted. As far as quitting it is just as hard for a true alcoholic to quit as it is for a crack head. DTs are brutal.

[whomper]

Damn TBone sorry I missed this .computer was down at work for a while today and I didnt jump around to too many threads today..I havent read all the responses but from what I read you took a big step getting the ball rolling and bringing your concerns to the table..What about an intervention? I dont have any experience with them but maybe a room full of people close to him may open his eyes a little. He is going to hit rock bottom soon from your brief description of the situation. When his GF lets him go its going to be a real reality slap. I just hope he can identify booze as his problem and turn it around..Stay with him until as long as you can he needs you more then he knows..

Edited May 31, 2006 by whomper

[godtomsatan]

that's a little ridiculous, i'm afraid.  all drugs are not the same, nor are all addictions the same.  the addictive effects between crack and booze are different.  they just are.  yeah, i'm sure all addictions have many psychological symptoms in common.  but there's still a difference that goes a lot deeper than "semantics"

 

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This guy is on the verge of losing friends, spouse, children, job, home, etc., etc., etc.. You know he drives drunk, you know he's more statistically probable to getting into a fight or creating harm to others than anyone else.

 

How is it any different than being a crackhead?

[Azazello1313]

This guy is on the verge of losing friends, spouse, children, job, home, etc., etc., etc.. You know he drives drunk, you know he's more statistically probable to getting into a fight or creating harm to others than anyone else.

 

How is it any different than being a crackhead?

 

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well. he's probably not sucking skeezy guys off for 5 bucks, for starters

[godtomsatan]

well.  he's probably not sucking skeezy guys off for 5 bucks, for starters

 

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all i got to say is "fat chicks"...

Edited May 31, 2006 by godtomsatan

[chiefjay]

I will be reading this thread very carefully. My buddy / friend is my 26 year old brother. It's not a pretty situation at all. To add to his abusive alcohol nature he is also a paranoid schizopheniac. He truely believes at times that the Gov't and Al Quieda are out to get him; that's just a small piece of what I have heard come out of his mouth.

 

I won't belabor this but it's definately a drain on the family. Parents are divorced so they almost expect each other to handle it or blame the other for their time with him as he grew up (post divorce of course). Both were always very naive about this stuff.

 

He is single with no children; I guess that's a saving grace.

 

As the oldest I think I need to address it but am a bit scared of what he is capable of. I have 4 kids and a wife.

 

Good luck to you T Bone and the others.

 

It's amazing how many of us have these stories and probably several others that border line a post in this thread.

Edited May 31, 2006 by chiefjay

[untateve]

I will be reading this thread very carefully.  My buddy / friend is my 26 year old brother.  It's not a pretty situation at all.  To add to his abusive alcohol nature he is also a paranoid schizopheniac.  He truely believes at times that the Gov't and Al Quieda are out to get him; that's just a small piece of what I have heard come out of his mouth. 

 

I won't belabor this but it's definately a drain on the family.  Parents are divorced so they almost expect each other to handle it or blame the other for their time with him as he grew up (post divorce of course).  Both were always very naive about this stuff.

 

He is single with no children; I guess that's a saving grace.

 

As the oldest I think I need to address it but am a bit scared of what he is capable of.  I have 4 kids and a wife.

 

Good luck to you T Bone and the others.

 

It's amazing how many of us have these stories and probably several others that border line a post in this thread.

 

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If your brother is truly diagnosed with Schizophrenia-Paranoid Type, and he is self-medicating with alcohol, this can be very dangerous. The only time I've ever felt nervous in my career was when a paranoid schiz decided I was part of the conspiracy and let me know he could get me right then (we were in a jail but by the time the officers would have got to us, the damage would not have been pretty).

 

If actively psychotic, you can have your brother involuntarily hospitalized. Simply call the police and explain. Unfortunately, if your brother has no insight into his mental illness, he will likely be noncompliant with any medication regimen, setting himself up for the revolving door of involuntary hosp and/or arrests. You are definitely correct to worry over your wife and kids. If your brother decides you are part of a plot or conspiracy, he could easily bring harm in "self-defense."

[chiefjay]

If your brother is truly diagnosed with Schizophrenia-Paranoid Type, and he is self-medicating with alcohol, this can be very dangerous.  The only time I've ever felt nervous in my career was when a paranoid schiz decided I was part of the conspiracy and let me know he could get me right then (we were in a jail but by the time the officers would have got to us, the damage would not have been pretty).

 

If actively psychotic, you can have your brother involuntarily hospitalized.  Simply call the police and explain.  Unfortunately, if your brother has no insight into his mental illness, he will likely be noncompliant with any medication regimen, setting himself up for the revolving door of involuntary hosp and/or arrests.  You are definitely correct to worry over your wife and kids.  If your brother decides you are part of a plot or conspiracy, he could easily bring harm in "self-defense."

 

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I hear ya brother. Maybe I will call the local police and see what they can do. Obviously he doesn't feel he has a problem on either fronts.

 

He lived down the street from me for about a year, thankfully he moved a few cities away but now he's with my dad again who is somewhat defenseless (in a wheelchair, leg amputee) so we are a bit worried about him as well.

 

Life, you gotta love it at times. Just sneaks up on ya.

[wildcat2334]

Amazing how alcohol is involved in the best and worst of times. Abuse touches us all, from the looks of these posts. The effect it can have on so many people is unreal, especially deep within families, and friendships.

 

Best wishes to all of ya with friends , loved ones having some problems.

[SuperBalla]

if the kids won't come out of their rooms, they either are afraid of or hate the guy.  if he's drunk all day, he's not safe, whether it be due to violence, carelessness, abusiveness, clouded judgement, or many other reasons.  bottom line is that i don't want my teenagers around a guy who drinks all day long.  why take that risk?  would you do that with your kids?

 

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Possibly but I doubt it.

 

Or they're being normal teenagers around a stepparent. 

 

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Bingo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tbone...I am fortunate to not have been in this situation. I hope he gets it together as it is very frustrating to feel bad for someone...constantly. Life is strange and there isn't a "remedy" that you can do for him. I'd definately try to talk to him...which you've done, but I'd recommend other friends to talk to him too. I am sure as long as he thinks he doesn't have a problem...there isn't one to fix in his eyes. Because you are his friend you have the duty of caring and trying to help. It may not work but remember...you'd want him to help you if you needed it.

[tonorator]

Or they're being normal teenagers around a stepparent. 

 

That's the way I was with my stepmother, and she didn't drink at all.  Actually, I was like that around my parents from about age 13 to 18 too.

 

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let's get real ... a "normal" stepparent is not consuming a 12-pack a day. if this is true, i highly doubt the kids are just being normal by shunning the newcomer. this isn't one where mommy and the new daddy are having discussions about how to get the kids to open up. the guy is smashed.

[TDFFFreak]

I will be reading this thread very carefully.  My buddy / friend is my 26 year old brother.  It's not a pretty situation at all.  To add to his abusive alcohol nature he is also a paranoid schizopheniac.  He truely believes at times that the Gov't and Al Quieda are out to get him; that's just a small piece of what I have heard come out of his mouth. 

 

I won't belabor this but it's definately a drain on the family.  Parents are divorced so they almost expect each other to handle it or blame the other for their time with him as he grew up (post divorce of course).  Both were always very naive about this stuff.

 

He is single with no children; I guess that's a saving grace.

 

As the oldest I think I need to address it but am a bit scared of what he is capable of.  I have 4 kids and a wife.

 

Good luck to you T Bone and the others.

 

It's amazing how many of us have these stories and probably several others that border line a post in this thread.

 

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Get him some help ASAP. Contact a psychology department at any local grad school and they may be able to advise you. He needs help and may need to do some inpaitent treatment. In this case, it sounds like more the mental illness that is driving your brother's drinking. Please do somethign before it's too late. Best of luck with a very tough situation.

[T_bone65]

Thanks to all that have replied and shared their own personal experiences as well. I don't know where to start to try and reply to all but I will make an attempt here:

 

As far as his G/F's kids go, he has never done anything physical to anyone, nor do I think he ever would. I know how he is when he is drunk, he isn't someone that you can talk logically to. He thinks he knows everything and wants to share it with anyone within earshot. Her kids are tired of him always being drunk and him trying to tell them how they should be living their lives.

 

I do believe, again MHO here, that there is a difference between being addicted to crack and being addicted to alcohol. Both are physical addictions and both have their own problems. I have not gone through the DT's and such related to alcohol but I have seen enough people go through to know I don't want to. But I think it is hard to stay clean and sober when crack is your drug of choice instead of alcohol. Again that is strictly MHO and not based on any facts or stats.

 

Again, thanks to all for sharing their personal opinions and experiences here. I will do everything I can do to help todd through this and will always be supportive of him. I mean if I can do this with my father years ago after he used to kick my ass and all when I was a young kid I know I can be there for my best friend.