rocknrobn26 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I don't want to share the particulars here for only one reason. I may ask my wife to read this thread at some point (this is one of the better "serious" threads I have read here), and even though she doesn't know anyone on this board, she would not like her "dirty laundry" aired in public . That said, we attended marriage counseling last night for the first time in about 6 years (as I said, this isn't our first "rough patch"). It went as well as can be expected, we'll see where we end up as it moves along.... 1278005[/snapback] Best of luck, my obsession. There are a lot of people here cheering you on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) Is there a difference between "honor" and "respect" in your opinion? 1277398[/snapback] much of what i will share here comes from Emerson Eggerichs and his books and lectures on 'love and respect.' this concept actually comes from a scripture verse that says "men love your wives, women respect your husbands." there is a fundamental difference between men and women in what they need out of a relationship and when that balance gets thrown off, the marriage suffers. as men, we must have respect. it is at the core nature of a man to feel respected for who we are and what we do. there is no greater blow to be dealt to a man than to not show respect. having this respect from our wives is of paramount importance. if a woman wants to cut a man down at the knees, she can by projecting to him that he is not to be counted on, that he is not a good provider, that he is not in control, that he does not have a spine, that he can't handle the things a "real man" should handle. women don't need this respect, they need love. they need attention, conversation, eye contact, holding, caring ... they need the love connection. contrary to the popular song, women do not need respect as aretha sings, they need love. the song r-e-s-p-e-c-t was actually written by a man. if a man wants to dis his wife, he can do so by avoiding conversation, avoiding eye contact, ignoring his wife, and neglecting to have the tender moments of holding and touching (without the drive for sex). just "being there" they call it - being in the moment, connected, and engaged. so if a woman denies him the respect and he disengages, you have a viscious cycle that will just spiral downward. it has to be broken or it will become destructive beyond repair. what is needed in a successful marriage, recognizing that it still comes with hard times, is unconditional respect for the husband and unconditional love for the wife. no matter what, she needs to stand by you and make you feel like you will pull through for the family and for the marriage and that you can be counted on, regardless of what life throws at you. also, she needs that connection from you reaffirmed every day either with a loving kiss before heading to work or a tender embrace before climbing into bed. i don't know your particulars, but maybe thinking of things in these terms will be helpful. you can look at whether you are indeed loving and whether she is indeed showing you respect. as a final note, an interesting way this plays out is that if you ask a man to write the most impactful, meaningful statement that he can to his wife, he many times will write, "i would die for you." a woman, however, would likely never say that, instead writing something like, "i love you from the deepest part of my heart." hope it helps. Edited January 20, 2006 by tonorator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 thanks, ton....that's exactly what squeegie needs. some good biblical values. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) Some get lucky... some don't. Just like the rest of life, marriage is a crapshoot. And no matter how hard you 'work' at it.... if it isn't going to last.... it isn't going to last. However.... I do agree, marriage is a work in progress. Not like a painting you buy and hang on the wall and forget about except when you happen to pass by and give it a glance. 1277648[/snapback] Once again good info here from Sky. Marriage is a crapshoot, but we can make decisions that lay the best odds for us to be successful in that endeavor: 1. Make sure you are marrying someone who has a similar outlook to life, relationships and the future. You don't have to be exactly the same person as that could be boring, but I think you should be on the same page and have a very serious discussion about these things BEFORE you get married. 2. DO NOT get married too young. You may think you're in love and found your soul mate at the age of 21 or 22, but we do a lot of changing between college age and say 25 or so. Try to wait until at least 25 before getting hitched. Really, what is an additional few years? Not much and you'd be surprised how much your feelings and attitudes can change in that time once you are in the real world. 3. Don't neglect your husband or wife. Always communicate and set aside time to reconnect with each other through the years even when you have kids. I've seen a lot of couples lose each other because they focus on everything else in their marriage except what originally made them fall in love. Edited January 20, 2006 by TDFFFreak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Neutron Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I've always heard that too......never go to bed angry. But for us, it is sometimes better to stop arguing and go to bed before it gets too heated and things are said that cant be taken back. Usually after sleep, its easier to be understanding and put things in perspective rather than when you are tired and cranky. I think really what this means, never go to bed angry, is that you shouldnt let your issues build up into days upon days. Picture each problem or issue thats not resolved as a brick. If they build up and are not resolved, they slowly become a brick wall between you two. Just like whomper said, sometimes resolving issues or bad feelings is as simple as listening to how your spouse feels and repeating it back to her. This lets her know you hear her...then tell her you hear her and care how she is feeling. We all want to be heard and understood. And dont forget to make sure you have fun times......even if you have to schedule them. Otherwise, marriage becomes all about work and the daily grind. There are sooooo many great points made in this thread. I'm very impressed. 1277911[/snapback] Good info here. Most of us get the "don't go to bed angry" advice when we got married. That's just not something my wife and I are able to do - we're both passionate people. As SweetLips said, it is important when to know when a cooling off period is called for. The best advice I ever got about marriage was from my mom. When mom and dad were first married, mom caught dad out washing his car with the hand-stitched kitchen towels she received as a wedding gift from close friends. Of course, she was livid. On her way out the door to dispatch of her new hubby, she had a thought. "This really isn't going to matter 20 years from now." As hard as it was for her, she refrained from talking to dad about it until she cooled off. Dad's life was spared. They talked about it later. Mom got her point across and dad felt like a total putz. My "don't sweat the small stuff" synopsis was derived from this story. Lots of you folks nailed good advice on the head. Honesty, power balance, respect and real love are all keys to a good marriage - so is forgiveness. It's absolutely critical that both partners are able to let things go rather than harbor bad feelings until the next argument. One of the reasons I chose communication as a major is that it is marvelously complex. Many scholars spend their entire careers studying only the differences between gender communication styles and needs. There is a very good reason that even very good marriages hit difficult spots along the road. News Flash: men and women are very different. The age old taking out the trash example is not about the guy being lazy or the woman being a nag. Men communicate primarily for status. They are generally willing to do the things asked of them by their wives, but they want to do it on their own timeframe as to not feel controlled. Some women tend to nag over this stuff not because they really want the trash taken out, but because women primarily communicate for connection - they want to know they are heard and understood. Guys, when you're on the road with your wife and she asks, "Do you want to stop up here and get a drink?" - don't tell her, "no." It wasn't really a question, women simply tend to phrase things differently. Now for the big one - we all know about it, but it still contributes a lot of friction to a lot of marriages. Guys, listen to your wife. Most of the time she doesn't want an answer to her problems, she just wants you to listen - it's how women work through things. Because men communicate for status, they want to solve problems and receive acclaim for having done so. That just doesn't work too well with my wife. FYI - this status thing is also why most men (myself included) refuse to stop and ask for directions. If we openly admit that we do not know something, we lose a little of that status, especially if we have to ask another man for directions. Women on the other hand, ever-anxious to make another connection through communication think we're all plain nuts and want to stop and ask for directions. Sorry for the novel. I had a great class Wednesday night on genderlect and a lot of it applies to this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I don't want to share the particulars here for only one reason. I may ask my wife to read this thread at some point (this is one of the better "serious" threads I have read here), and even though she doesn't know anyone on this board, she would not like her "dirty laundry" aired in public . That said, we attended marriage counseling last night for the first time in about 6 years (as I said, this isn't our first "rough patch"). It went as well as can be expected, we'll see where we end up as it moves along.... 1278005[/snapback] my obsession I've never been married and I'm not equipped to tell someone what to do in their relationship, but you two have been together for a long time and that's not because you DON"T love each other, there are things about each other that have kept you together for that long, and IMO focusing on those things will get you through a lot of the hard times, when I'm going through a hard time with my girlfriend I try to remember what drew me too her in the first place and how she made me feel in the beginning (and still does during the good times). For me it's hard to do but if you can somehow look past the problem even for a minute and remember these things it makes it a lot easier to say I'm sorry, or I understand what your feeling, or even I love you, and in my experience saying these things (or something to that effect) can take defenses down and change the way you communicate during a problem time. I just wanted to throw that out there for what it's worth, and the best of luck to you, you seem like a good guy. I hope everything works out for the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DKF Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I think the key is to geniunely like that person. And I mean really like who they are, where they came from, they essence of who that person really is. 17 years here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sores Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 my obsession I've never been married and I'm not equipped to tell someone what to do in their relationship, but you two have been together for a long time and that's not because you DON"T love each other, there are things about each other that have kept you together for that long, and IMO focusing on those things will get you through a lot of the hard times, when I'm going through a hard time with my girlfriend I try to remember what drew me too her in the first place and how she made me feel in the beginning (and still does during the good times). For me it's hard to do but if you can somehow look past the problem even for a minute and remember these things it makes it a lot easier to say I'm sorry, or I understand what your feeling, or even I love you, and in my experience saying these things (or something to that effect) can take defenses down and change the way you communicate during a problem time. I just wanted to throw that out there for what it's worth, and the best of luck to you, you seem like a good guy. I hope everything works out for the best. 1278289[/snapback] One of the things I said last night in counseling is that if someone asks me, "Do you love your wife?", the true and definite answer is yes, deeply. The emotional answer that can come out from time to time is "No....I hate her right now" (though I have never actually verbalized that to her or anyone else). The Pretenders song "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate" comes to mind. I do and always will truely and deeply love my wife. She is my best friend. The one I think of when I want to share something new or good or bad in my life. But sometimes, well, suffice it to say I need to remind myself of all that is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 One of the things I said last night in counseling is that if someone asks me, "Do you love your wife?", the true and definite answer is yes, deeply. The emotional answer that can come out from time to time is "No....I hate her right now" (though I have never actually verbalized that to her or anyone else). The Pretenders song "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate" comes to mind. I do and always will truely and deeply love my wife. She is my best friend. The one I think of when I want to share something new or good or bad in my life. But sometimes, well, suffice it to say I need to remind myself of all that is good. 1278314[/snapback] I guess you need to think about how bad is the "bad" and can or will the good ultimately outweigh the bad. Is the bad temporary? And why is the bad happening? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 women don't need this respect, they need love. 1278084[/snapback] This is total crap. And why it is not all bad that attitudes toward marriage and commitment have changed since the 1940s. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is total crap. And why it is not all bad that attitudes toward marriage and commitment have changed since the 1940s. 1278333[/snapback] wow. i respectfully disagree (no pun intended). note that i'm not saying that respect is not important to women, it just pales considerably in terms of being and feeling loved. same thing for men - we want to be loved, but, deep down, losing respect hurts more. i don't think the generations change this ... but that is, of course, my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 wow. i respectfully disagree (no pun intended). note that i'm not saying that respect is not important to women, it just pales considerably in terms of being and feeling loved. same thing for men - we want to be loved, but, deep down, losing respect hurts more. i don't think the generations change this ... but that is, of course, my opinion. 1278385[/snapback] Are you a woman? Do you think that all woman want or need the same thing? Or all men for that matter? You are making generalizations based on outdated views of gender roles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Are you a woman? Do you think that all woman want or need the same thing? Or all men for that matter? You are making generalizations based on outdated views of gender roles. 1278455[/snapback] not a woman ... but i do believe in some universal natures in men and women. i guess that might make me outdated ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duchess Jack Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I didn't read the thread - so I am going to skip the obvious answers likely answered 1,001 times... Find things you can do together - share your hobbies or at least take an interest in the other's hobbies. If possible, find a place where in you can both do you hobbies close enough together where you can still talk..... so you can be together and not hole yourself up in a room alone. Deal breakers? Jeeze, who knows. Whatever I say here - it will only be conjecture. I can't imagine a dealbreaker ever happening so I can't possibly imagine how I would feel if a 'deal breaker' ever did happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 not a woman ... but i do believe in some universal natures in men and women. i guess that might make me outdated ... 1278470[/snapback] My husband's respect means very much to me, and I know we wouldn't have married if he didn't respect me as much as he loved me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 In your mind, what makes for a great marriage? 1276480[/snapback] That's easy. The person should be a trusted friend; ideally your best friend. You simply need to be able to turn your back on the person in any and all circumstances with complete and total faith that they won't betray you. If you don't have that kind of faith in the person, you've got no business getting married to them. There needs to be mutual sexual attraction and satisfaction. No brainer here. And I'm not talking about marrying the person who "society" deems to be hot. I'm talking about marrying the person that makes YOU hot. Apologies to those who don't believe in premarital hanky-panky, but if one is making the decision to make a life-long, monogamous commitment to another person, both are better off knowing in advance if this fundamentally important aspect of the marital relationship will be a fulfilling one. Everyone - EVERYONE - has imperfections. Foibles, short comings, flaws, what have you. Finding a person whose flaws don't really bother you, and a person who isn't all that bothered by your flaws, is a secret ingredient I don't think gets mention. You shouldn't ever feel that your going to have to "change" someone down the road in order to be happy together. Also, I believe that you need be together long enough to have gone through a couple of knock-down, drag-out fights and have: (1) resolved the issues constructively; and (2) remain steadfast in your commitment to one another. You will get into fights when married, guaranteed. If your premairrage relationship can't handle that, chances are your marital relationship won't, either. And that, my friends, is why courting should be a protracted affair, people should live together first, and enagements should be long; in order to give both people enough time to figure this stuff out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 And that, my friends, is why courting should be a protracted affair, people should live together first, and enagements should be long; in order to give both people enough time to figure this stuff out. 1278504[/snapback] Agree completely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My husband's respect means very much to me, and I know we wouldn't have married if he didn't respect me as much as he loved me. 1278487[/snapback] simple quiz ... what would mean more to you - a loving embrace and a long conversation about your day or something that you find very interesting ... or ... your husband saying to you that what you accomplished today made him very proud. for guys, turn the question around. also squeeg, i'm not saying it's either or - i understand the need for both. i'm also not trying to wrankle anyone, just interested in the topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 And that, my friends, is why courting should be a protracted affair, people should live together first, and enagements should be long; in order to give both people enough time to figure this stuff out. 1278504[/snapback] I agree. Please see my suggestion from an earlier post in the thread: 2. DO NOT get married too young. You may think you're in love and found your soul mate at the age of 21 or 22, but we do a lot of changing between college age and say 25 or so. Try to wait until at least 25 before getting hitched. Really, what is an additional few years? Not much and you'd be surprised how much your feelings and attitudes can change in that time once you are in the real world. While not saying the same exact thing, they are closely related. The message being: give yourselves time to figure things out and make sure you are compatable. Almost nothing worse then running into something because you are "in love". It seems counter-intutive to say so, but there is so much more to a realtionship then that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 simple quiz ... what would mean more to you - a loving embrace and a long conversation about your day or something that you find very interesting ... or ... your husband saying to you that what you accomplished today made him very proud. 1278542[/snapback] The latter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 The latter. 1278577[/snapback] What would your husband pick? (seriously) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I am going to go against the grain here by saying that having a great marriage isnt alot of hard work. Why should it be work? For us it came as easy and naturally as can be. We never had to "work" at anything. We are both very laid back, with both of us having strong personalities. I always tell people that I wouldnt wish my wife on any other man. But I cant live without her. She is my life. She is my best friend. She is everything to me. Well, her and our 2 kids. And honestly, we dont really work at it. We rarely have serious disagreements. We are committed to each other and the marriage. Its all good! Caveat: The deal breaker: Having to attend more than 1 Couples Shower in one's lifetime. We aint going down that road again.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What would your husband pick? (seriously) 1278599[/snapback] Probably the same. That's why we have a good marriage - best friends, equals, who share a mutual respect. I understand that the dominant ("respect my authority!")-submissive ("I only want to be loved") gender role thing works for some couples, but I think you may over-estimate how many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 We are both very laid back, with both of us having strong personalities. 1278629[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Caveat: The deal breaker: Having to attend more than 1 Couples Shower in one's lifetime. We aint going down that road again.... 1278629[/snapback] Wurd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.