aqualung Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) Love is a given. Trust is a must. Edited January 20, 2006 by aqualung Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
montster Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I've been married for over 17 years and the important thing I've learned is it is hard work to have a successful marriage. 1276793[/snapback] eight years in may. i second this -- i think too many people think the hard part is finding someone to marry, and then it's smooth sailing from there. the most successful marriages take a lot of work -- they only look easy to everyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 steve - this comment surprises me and not sure if you are serious. i have known mass quantities of women in my life. i've never met one that has been totally secure about themself. now, i realize that there a different levels of psyco-ism, but i've traditionally just chalked it up that every woman has some degree of jealousness capability built in. 1276628[/snapback] My wife got jealous once when we had been dating for a year or two. No problems since. 1276678[/snapback] Anyone can flake out once, maybe twice. I'm talking about a significant other who is jealous as a personality trait. I just wouldn't want to take that on. The insecurities necessary for such jealousy are simply too much work and typically don't get better without therapy (not a plug for psychologists as I have no therapy clients). Justin, the question is why are the mass quantities of women you've met insecure/jealous? That's not been my experience. Here's the bottom line on jealousy--it is useless energy. If someone is going to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to stop it short of murder (and that has other consequences). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justin Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Anyone can flake out once, maybe twice. I'm talking about a significant other who is jealous as a personality trait. I just wouldn't want to take that on. The insecurities necessary for such jealousy are simply too much work and typically don't get better without therapy (not a plug for psychologists as I have no therapy clients). Justin, the question is why are the mass quantities of women you've met insecure/jealous? That's not been my experience. Here's the bottom line on jealousy--it is useless energy. If someone is going to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to stop it short of murder (and that has other consequences). 1277028[/snapback] Okay, maybe mass quantities is a bit excessive. But most women I've gotten heavy with seem to have some insecurities. Overall, chicks are much more concerned about their appearence, looks, weight, etc. I rarely have patience for that. And maybe it's me, in that I don't like being questioned about my whereabouts. Any display of jealousy irks me and I totally agree that it is useless energy - but more prevelant in women. Bottom line is that I've found a girl that I love. I see ourselves together forever and we are getting married in October. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperBalla Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) We've been married for 33+ years. We've had rocky times. My daughter probably created more arguements than anything else, but that is what the rollercoaster ride is about, i.e. solving problems! All the above worked for us. we went thru poor, comfortable, poor again, and back to comfortable. Divorce was/is never an option for me, but that's me! No offence to anyone divorced. Curious as to why you asked this question? But a good one it is! 1276597[/snapback] My wife had my respect from the beginning. She is beyond beautiful and I know I am lucky to be with her... I try to break my neck for her because it makes me happy. As hard as life can be to actually focus on...when you are in love...the world is hard to focus on because its in the background of your other. I swear I didn't just write that. Edit to add: Married 6 years June...expecting first lil' boy. Edited January 20, 2006 by SuperBalla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retrograde assault Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Married 28 years, most days I like it, some days I could dam-n sure do without it. Guess its a bit of a roller coaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sores Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I thank everyone for their serious responses. Keep em coming....I am married 19 years in June and going through a fairly rough patch....again. Some of your responses are what I expected...others have given me pause and promote some serious introspection.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I thank everyone for their serious responses. Keep em coming....I am married 19 years in June and going through a fairly rough patch....again. Some of your responses are what I expected...others have given me pause and promote some serious introspection.... 1277122[/snapback] "Rough patch" can mean a bunch of different things.... it's your personal business, but if you feel up to it and don't feel as if it's violating confidences or your own personal comfort level, maybe you could give us a vauge idea of the problem or a couple of the instances leading to these tough times. No pressure to do so, but seems like we have some pretty level headed people here that may be able to help. Now this is a biased suggestion, but how I have felt for a long time: seek couple's therapy. If you want to make this relationship work, take every opportunity to give it a chance. I have often found that therapy is a great place to help figure it out as untateve said. A big reason why I am going into the field. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I thank everyone for their serious responses. Keep em coming....I am married 19 years in June and going through a fairly rough patch....again. Some of your responses are what I expected...others have given me pause and promote some serious introspection.... 1277122[/snapback] IMHO, a husband must love and honor his wife; A wife must love and respect her husband. Sometimes it comes natural, and some days it takes a conscious decision to do so. The key to my marriage is to love and honor my wife, even when I don't feel loved and respected by her (and vice versa for my wife). It's tough sometimes, but it has kept our marriage from spiraling out of control when one of us is willing to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cliaz Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) /serious cliaz mode on: The pastor that married us said something that stuck with me: Love will come and go in a marriage; it's just like any other emotion. But the commitment is what makes the marriage stay. What he was saying is this: Some days (or even weeks) you will come home or be sitting in your car and think "Why am I still here, I don't have the same feelings I did for her years ago." But those feeling fade in and out. We are only human. There are days where I think "This really can't be what marriage is about." But it is through our commitment to each other that our marriages work. I know those feelings are only temp. Deep down, no matter how much I love a person, no matter how long we've been together (6 years now, married 2 1/2) I know that there are going to be times when we just want to be left alone. But even deeper down I know that when the times get tough, I have a strong committed relationship with her and it is in that that I put my trust in. Commitment is where we build our foundations to our relationship. Love and friendship can only bring you so far because without that commitment to be with one another, we could go astray. Remember that and all will be fine. Of course this IMHO /serious cliaz off Poop, midgets and donkey shows Edited January 20, 2006 by cliaz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piranha Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I think the things that make a marriage great are fairly obvious, but bear noting: Honesty, Communication, Great Sex, Sharing, Compatability Agreed The dealbreaker for me....Cheating. That's why I'm divorced. She cheated right before we got married, never told me about it, and I found out after we were married. That was that. It's just seems unforgivable to me. 1276480[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I agree with cliaz. My 19th anniversary is this year too, my obsession. We definitely have ups and downs. There are times when every day feels like work and the communication just isn't what it should be, especially after this much time. Generally speaking though, it passes. I can't imagine life any other way, mainly because I'm sure there's no one else who'd put up with my schtick. I do think I'm having a little midlife crisis looming though. Suppose you're having some of that going on? Is it a 'now what' sort of thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegiebo Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 IMHO, a husband must love and honor his wife; A wife must love and respect her husband. 1277308[/snapback] Is there a difference between "honor" and "respect" in your opinion? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grits and Shins Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Blitzkrieg is into his 21st year of marriage and 23rd year with his young bride ... which is right at half of his life. We got married in the little All Faiths Chapel at Texas A&M way back in 1985 while I was still a student (more info for Big John). The decision to get married should never be taken lightly as marriage is a life time committment. Unfortunately these days it is treated more like a temporary arrangement, and that is definitely unfortunate. When a man proposes he should be committing to his bride for life, when a woman accepts she should be accepting a life time committment. As many have already said, your relationship should be built upon friendship, respect, honor and love. If any one of those 4 components is missing it is going to be a rough row to hoe. You should also have realistic expectations. By this I mean its not always going to be easy. Marriage is a work in progress and you always have to work at it. That doesn't mean it isn't rewarding, because if you truly love, cherish, respect and honor your spouse the relationship is very rewarding, despite the down times. I can not imagine my life without my bride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skilly Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Some good stories here. I can offer the perspective of someone who was married for 14 years and is in the process of going through a divorce. Without going into all the details of "why", I can say that my wife is the one who initiatied the divorce. I thought we had all the traits of a good marriage: friendship, love, respect, committment, etc. However, since we got married fairly young, I think we just changed over time (more her than me) and our feelings for each other changed. There doesn't seem to be any ryhme or reason to it. I can say that I don't regret one day of it, and we have two great kids from our marriage. Even though our relationship is ending, the good times far outweighed the bad times. It's great to be in love, but when love is gone......well, it's gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhippens Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 i'm gonna go real simple here. marriage just "works". that's how i knew my wife was the one for me. we both get moody, we both have our quirks, etc. but it "works". we love each other and our good and bad qualities fit together. i would say from my experience and from friends of mine that got married younger than me, money is the biggest deal-breaker. my wife and i are on a similar level of fiscal responsibility and it makes it really easy. we both like to treat ourselves every once in a while, but we save a heck of a lot of money. different spending habits, saving habits, etc. can cause huge issues. and i bow to the experts on here that have been married for a long time. congratulations on successful relationships to all of you. i've only been married for 2 years so their knowledge is probably much more in depth than mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Getting married in the 60's was much different than getting married in the 40's and is far and away different than getting married in any other decade since. Different outlooks, different influences, and different goals. Because of the above, I have refrained from stating my views.... they just don't apply. Times change. Attitudes about marriage and committment change. Marriage has no rules or check-off sheets. Marriage is a 'couple' thing and is as different in each case as snowflakes.... no two are alike and the 'guidelines' are different in each marriage. What made my marriage fantastic and successful just doesn't apply to attitudes and goals from a time later on. Some get lucky... some don't. Just like the rest of life, marriage is a crapshoot. And no matter how hard you 'work' at it.... if it isn't going to last.... it isn't going to last. However.... I do agree, marriage is a work in progress. Not like a painting you buy and hang on the wall and forget about except when you happen to pass by and give it a glance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) good relationship: trust, honesty, shared goals/values, and "getting" each other i don't see any absolute dealbreakers. if one or more of the four things above disappear, then the thing just sort of disintegrates from inside and before long there's no "deal" left to "break". Edited January 20, 2006 by Azazello1313 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RFFL Chump Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Blitzkrieg is into his 21st year of marriage and 23rd year with his young bride ... which is right at half of his life. We got married in the little All Faiths Chapel at Texas A&M way back in 1985 while I was still a student (more info for Big John). The decision to get married should never be taken lightly as marriage is a life time committment. Unfortunately these days it is treated more like a temporary arrangement, and that is definitely unfortunate. When a man proposes he should be committing to his bride for life, when a woman accepts she should be accepting a life time committment. As many have already said, your relationship should be built upon friendship, respect, honor and love. If any one of those 4 components is missing it is going to be a rough row to hoe. You should also have realistic expectations. By this I mean its not always going to be easy. Marriage is a work in progress and you always have to work at it. That doesn't mean it isn't rewarding, because if you truly love, cherish, respect and honor your spouse the relationship is very rewarding, despite the down times. I can not imagine my life without my bride. 1277429[/snapback] Excellent info here. I have been married alsmost 20 years and feel very much the same about my wife. That being said , there are always hard times and marriage is always a work in progress............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grits and Shins Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Attitudes about marriage and committment change. 1277648[/snapback] A sad statement of fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devilwoman Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Trust, Power, and Communication. All the others stem from these 3 aspects of a relationship in my opinion. Power may seem like an odd word and perhaps it is not the right word, but relationships are all about power struggles and if the power is equal on both sides things go pretty smoothly communication is free to flow and trust is high. But when the balance of power is tipped to either side for whatever reason...then problems emerge. Its the give and take the ying and yang...that is why relationships can be difficult...it's the balancing of power that is the key. If both people in the relationship understands this and how each vie for power, a lot of problems can be hashed out or removed all together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Is there a difference between "honor" and "respect" in your opinion? 1277398[/snapback] Subtle difference, but yes. They are not mutually exclusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetlips Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Try not to go to bed angry..Understand each others position on the issues that are important to you kids , finances, religion etc. Have fun. Always be friends..Try and listen. Deal breaker would be if she ever consistently mistreated our kids but that wouldnt happen in a million years. 1276694[/snapback] I've always heard that too......never go to bed angry. But for us, it is sometimes better to stop arguing and go to bed before it gets too heated and things are said that cant be taken back. Usually after sleep, its easier to be understanding and put things in perspective rather than when you are tired and cranky. I think really what this means, never go to bed angry, is that you shouldnt let your issues build up into days upon days. Picture each problem or issue thats not resolved as a brick. If they build up and are not resolved, they slowly become a brick wall between you two. Just like whomper said, sometimes resolving issues or bad feelings is as simple as listening to how your spouse feels and repeating it back to her. This lets her know you hear her...then tell her you hear her and care how she is feeling. We all want to be heard and understood. And dont forget to make sure you have fun times......even if you have to schedule them. Otherwise, marriage becomes all about work and the daily grind. There are sooooo many great points made in this thread. I'm very impressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sores Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Now this is a biased suggestion, but how I have felt for a long time: seek couple's therapy. 1277221[/snapback] I don't want to share the particulars here for only one reason. I may ask my wife to read this thread at some point (this is one of the better "serious" threads I have read here), and even though she doesn't know anyone on this board, she would not like her "dirty laundry" aired in public . That said, we attended marriage counseling last night for the first time in about 6 years (as I said, this isn't our first "rough patch"). It went as well as can be expected, we'll see where we end up as it moves along.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) just random thoughts: Cheating is an automatic deal breaker. I trust my wife implicitly. One of her best friends is a man. Therefore, I posit trust is a necessity. A sense of humor is pretty important. 1276533[/snapback] . Friendship 1276606[/snapback] Trust! 1276611[/snapback] Don't sweat the little stuff. 1276621[/snapback] . It's important to communicate. Don't internalize your issues (took me a while to learn that one). Complete trust. I don't think I could get past infidelity. 1276793[/snapback] that sums it up well Edited January 20, 2006 by Yukon Cornelius Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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